Ties And Flies

A couple of weeks ago I found myself in a hurry to make it to a very important meeting. Why was I in a hurry, you ask? It was because I had stopped off at my home for lunch and had to finish an episode of Home Improvement. I mean, they thought Randy might have leukemia and I had to watch the whole thing to see if he would be alright. You don’t expect me to concentrate at sales meeting when Randy’s health was in question, do you? Well, it turns out he was okay, it was just a gland thing. (whew) But that extra five minutes of suspenseful pacing left me little time to make it to the meeting on time. So I raced out the door, hopped in my car and tore off down the road to the corporate suck tank, call I work.

When I am in a rush it is inevitable that every light on the way will turn yellow at the exact point I am too far away to make it before it turns red. It’s a tease from God, I swear it. So, I will slam on my brakes and cause everything from the backseat to transfer to the front and the pissface behind me will mouth the words, “mother dicklick ass shit!”. I of course will make the situation much worse and wave out the window as if to say, “I know…I suck”.

So I rip into the parking lot at top speed, jump out of the car, grab my briefcase, slam the car door and “HERK!”. I slammed my tie in the car door. Now normal people will open the door, sheepishly straighten it and walk away. Not me! I pulled and yanked and pulled and yanked and finally….it came loose. Only it looked like this.

I shredded the shit out of a $70 tie all because I am a half an I.Q. point higher than retard. I walked a little defeated to my meeting just staring at the end of my tie. I had to decide what would be worse; being late or looking dumb. I choose to be late. I ran up to my office and taped the shreds to the back of the tie and believe it or not, it looked half way fixed. I made my way to the conference room and I could here muffled chatter behind the door. I opened it up and walked confidently to an empty seat, feeling twenty pairs of eyes on me. I sat down and the meeting went ahead as if I had been there the whole time. Then I notice the tie on my lap right next to my shirt tail. Shirt tail?

My shirt tale was coming out of my fly that was left unzipped. True mother fuckin’ story.

I went home that night and stopped at a gas station. I bought a Samurai sword. It’s the little things that I have to hold onto after a day like that.

On a happier note, the first article of Macabre Fitness is up. It’s a shoe review! Oooooooooo!


23 thoughts on “Ties And Flies

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  1. Oh. My. God. That’s like the equivalent of a girl tucking the back of her skirt into her underwear and then walking out of the bathroom back to her desk. Luckily, that’s never happened to me. I SWEAR!!! 🙂

  2. I hate when I have to rush because it’s inevitable that I will do something stupid. A couple of years ago at work I also had a meeting to go to. I knew it was after my lunch. Well, the damn place I went to get lunch at was sort of busy. I was running short on time. I quickly pulled into the parkng lot, parked, turned off the car and put my keys on my lap while I grabbed stuff from the passenger seat. As I stepped out my keys fell to the ground, since I was in a hurry, I quickly bent over to pick them up…and slammed my head on the car door causing my eyebrow to bust open! Luckily I keep a small first aid kit in my car. So, I quickly stopped the bleeding and put a band aid on. Yep, I was late and I also had many pairs of eyes looking at me. I had to explain the situation and constantly have people quickly look away as I caught them staring at the GIGANTIC band aid across my eye!!!

  3. oh Will, didn’t you know better then to think they would kill off Randy on Tool Time. Those boys made that show, well… them and Al’s beard but I have a thing for facial hair so ::shrugs::

    and I am sorry you tore up your $70 tie. Being a half a point above retarded is better then being one step below transvestite 🙂


  4. c’mon, you cant post stuff like this while some of us are still at work!

    can i ask why your fly was undone while you were watching home improvement though?

  5. That was awesome….the tie…the fly…the samurai sword. It all made me smile.

    Did Randy have a goiter (sp?)? I remember that episode.

  6. It was a goiter!

    Amy: I have a thing for Al’s beard too. 😀

    Kirbyann: I think you are the only girl i know who likes beards. Every girl I know hates them. I don’t know why?

  7. DC: Did you get a cool scar for all that? In some weird way I always wanted a facial scar so I could look a lot tougher than I really am.

    Essaych: are you sure that has never happened to you? Really? 😉

  8. The sword is the best $15 bucks I ever spent. I am working on a post for it. The clerk told me it was not for fighting with. I told him I was i needed it to cut coconuts in half, midair. Regardless, the walk to the car with a sword in hand was a trip I will never forget. Hiiiya!

    Josh: Me too, pal. Time will tell.

  9. I misspelled tail not once but twice. What’s going on with me today? That’s a four letter word! I think a first grader would be down about that mistake.

  10. Ya know, my boyfriend did that once.
    Not like… the tie thing, or the fly thing…
    but the “Buying a Samurai Sword at a Gas Station” thing.
    He spent $70, but the scabbard is wrapped in snakeskin, has a brass cobra head at the pommel, and was probably the most awesome thing he bought on that trip to Washington state. Mind you- he bought a GUN on the same trip.

    We couldn’t help but loudly wonder if it was wise to sell weapons where employees are liable to be held-up.
    “Did you forget your weapon today, Armed Robber ? Well, here’s a SWORD! Hop to!”

  11. Eh, I didn’t like the design of that tie anyway. You need a woman to pick out your ties. That one looks like it was made out of golf pants.

  12. Too bad the shirt tail was coming out of your fly…it blocked what would have otherwise been a better view for all the ladies in the room (and perhaps some fellas…who knows)…and don’t be surprised by the candor of my comment, ’cause it just so happens that the stench of desperado on my blog attaches itself to my flesh, and travels with me wherever I go 🙂 ….now let me straighten up my tie and escape this thread all professional-like 😉

  13. Great story! Too bad no one was around to see you shut your tie in the door. We have these stupid lab coats that we’re supposed to wear here at work, I’m now on strike and refuse, but back in the day I wore it. They had these slight slits on the side that would ALWAYS get caught on the cabinet handles but you wouldn’t know until you went to move. One day we were having a tour (people get to walk just outside the lab and look at us through these huge windows. I hate this. I’ve always wanted to jump up from my seat and start mimicking a monkey and fling some melted chocolate on the window for the poop effect) and naturally my coat got caught on the handle and flung me backwards as they were watching. Lovely.

  14. i actually think that tie is very cute.

    and romi, if you’re looking for what i think you’re looking for, just request that billy poses in his velcro pants sometime soon 😉

  15. Hi Amy, yes we’re on the same page 😉 …actually I’m a relatively new member of this weird dude’s blog-cult (lol), but I’ve started to catch up from the archives, and I SO read that velcro-pant post! Hahaha…if only I had been in that particular Kinko’s, on that particular day…. 😉

  16. Your capacity to get yourself into these situations knows no bounds. If an opening becomes available at your office, let me know. It would be worth the move just to experience some of these antics in person.

    I embarrassed the heck out of someone at my last job. Our sales manager was giving a presentation and passed out some reading material. It was a toy company and along the margins of the pages she gave us was little generic clip art pictures of toys that she had found on the computer. Most of these things weren’t even toys that we sold. Well, one of them, much larger than the rest, and centered right at the bottom of the page, was a dreidel. Now, we didn’t sell dreidels. We didn’t sell anything like dreidels. We didn’t even sell spinning tops of any kind. So, jokingly, I asked her what a dreidel was doing on the page. It turns out she had no idea what a dreidel was. I explained it to her and she got really red-faced. For extra fun, it turns out I apparently was the only person in the meeting who did know what a dreidel was. When asked how I knew so much about it, I replied that I was Jewish and used to play with them all the time. I’m not Jewish. Not one bit, but seeing everyone else get embarrassed, especially her, at being so culturally insensitive (snicker) was hilarious. I couldn’t keep up the ruse though and finally confessed I was just having one on with everybody and wasn’t Jewish at all. I never let her live it down though and every time I saw her I would ask her a particularly Jew-y question just to rib her a little.

Speak to me, Egor.

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