Limahl Is A Guy

Don’t you just love finding out at the age of 30 that you had a gender confusion with a particular song? I do. Today I was looking for YouTube clips to write an article about memorable movie intros when I ran across The Never Ending Story. Low and behold, that song was performed buy a guy. I was shocked. Probably more shocked than when I found out Wayne Newton sang “Danke Schoen“. There is no way a guys voice could sound that feminine! I bet if the fate of the world rested on how confident I was that The Never Ending Story was performed by a girl, I would have screwed us all over. I imagine it would look something like this:

But alas it is not a woman belting those tunes but rather British pop phenomenon, Limahl. Never heard of him? Then you probably will recognize him from his original band Kajagoogoo and their song “Too Shy“. That’s what I know him from. Actually I am sure that is what most will know him by. He’s very popular in Germany today. But then again so is David Hasselhoff.

So, Limahl is now apart of my vocabulary and we can rest assured that if a villain had his hand on the detonator to a nuclear warhead and asked me whether or not The Never Ending Story theme was performed by a girl or a guy for the fate of the world, I would choose correctly. I only imagine these scenarios while sitting at mass on Sunday. Catholics don’t get much out of church. At least this one doesn’t.

Check him out! It’s a guy, I promise!

Where Did You Go? Part 6

I guess it is time for another installment of “Where Did They Go” so I can have an excuse to cruise the world of IMDB and Wikipedia searching for those random few who rarely get the spotlight anymore. It’s part curiosity and part obsessiveness because I don’t want them to be forgotten. I have always been the one to remember the supporting cast or the scene that no one cares about. Really, that’s pretty much the whole theme of this blog; the odd and random that people don’t or shouldn’t think about. And we’re off….

“But i didn’t know you were going to be giving me electric shwocks!”

Steve Tash was the poor student who fell prey to Bill Murray’s experiment on ESP for five bucks and 80 volts. Actually if I’m not mistaken he told Venkman we could keep the five bucks. Regardless, he gets and A + when for the gum being shocked out of his mouth. Besides Ghostbusters, Steve was in a few movies like Stephen King’s/ John Carpenter’s Christine, Beach Balls and Snowballing. (I don’t think I want to know what “snowballing” means.) I am pretty sure you can find Beach Balls and Snowballingon Showtime around 3am. He has even been in a couple episodes of Diff’rent Strokes as the character “Weasle”. But other than that it looks like Steve’s career in acting came to an end. Poor guy didn’t even get a name in Ghostbusters. He was named “male student” in the credits.

I have no idea what happened to Steven Tash after 1988. I mean, he didn’t even get a guest star spot on Murder She Wrote! It seems every actor around that time at least had some part in that show. I don’t even know if this guy is still above ground. Literally! He might be dead. Ghostbusters was 24 years ago and he has to be at least 44. I’m just saying, heart disease is a bitch. So, Steve, if you are still kicking, let us know.

 Oh man, it’s Thunder, Lightning and Rain from the movie, Big Trouble In Little China! That movie has always been a favorite of mine and oddly enough it has come up in conversation more than once this week. So that got me wondering what ever happened to these three mystical beings.

 I am going to start with “Rain” played by Peter Kwong. He was the sword swinging, long haired  bad guy that weirdly enough, didn’t have a Chinese accent. I always think of the battle between him and Wang (Dennis Dun) and that strange moment when Rain was caught looking at Wang’s, uh, wang I guess. Wang responded with an exaggerated eyebrow raise. Check it out the next time you see the movie. I’m not making that up.

  Peter has been in a shit load of TV episodes prior and after BTILC (Had to abriviate. That’s such a long movie title.) to include “MaGyver”, “Miami Vice”, “227”, “Tour of Duty”, “Dynasty”, “The A-Team”, “Manimal”, “Amazing Stories”, “Full House”, and on and on and on…. As far as film he was in The Golden Child and others but maybe they were SciFi TV movies. You know the ones like Gator Man or Tyrano Dog. Regardless of what movies he did, Peter Kwong is still cranking out TV show appearences today. He resides in LA and it looks like he is doing better than ever. He teaches Tai Chi at a 24 hour Balley’s gym and serves as Governer of the Preformers Peer Group at the Acadamy of TV, Arts and Sciences. Good job Pete and thank you.

  It’s Lightning! This guy was my favorite and I am still unsure how they killed him off in BTILC.  The guy who played him is James Pax who, like Peter Kwong, has a few appearances in a lot of well known TV shows like “MaGyver”, “Nash Bridges”, “Tour Of Duty”, “Matlock” and “Scarecrow And Mrs. King”.  Makes you wonder if they have the same agent?

  Man, James Pax has been a busy man. He was born in Japan, lived in Italy, educated at New York University in International Business, became a professional ballet dancer and master of Kung Fu, sang in South America, was a model in Milan, was on Broadway and currently resides in China working on the Chinese version of “Sex In The City” called “I Just Really Want To Fall in Love”. I guess “Sex In The City” doesn’t translate too well. It’s like the word pool. In China it’s called a “swimming gym”. So anyway, his life just wore out my fingers. Fucking over achiever.

  And finally we have Thunder. I didn’t really understand his specialty besides blowing himself up. If that is his power then I thing Lo Pan really fucked up his choice of body guards. I must admit that his few lines were ones to remember. “I con hep yuuu.” Classic!

  Carter Wong is a real bad ass in life. BTILC was one of only a couple movies he did in America. Before that he was in real Kung Fu movies to include a few staring roles with the late, great Bruce Lee. He even taught martial arts at the Royal Hong Kong police department. Now that is a dude who can kick your ass six ways to Sunday. I hope Kurt Russel was nice to him. By the way, how many people named Carter come from China? I’m just saying.

  “My name is Horace!” Actually it was Brent Chalem who played the tubby kid that was the weenie Monster Squad memeber. But I had to give him props for kicking the Wolfman in the nards. Yes Horace, Wolfmen do have nards.

  I found this out from our beloved Mystie who wrote one of the best reviews for the movie Monster Squad that I have ever read. It’s true, Horace is dead. Brent died in 1997 at the age of 22 from Pnemonia in Las Vegas, Nevada. I still can’t believe it. He was working as a legal assistant for a law firm at the time. I guess his career never took off even though he did appear in “Punky Brewster”, “Quantum Leap” and “Mr. Belvedere”. We even have the same birthday too. I’m sorry Brent. We hardly even knew you.

 

Streaks on the china,
never mattered before,
who cares.When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.
But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.
All hands look out below T
here’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

 

 

 He sure did live the good life but Mr. Belvedere is dead too. Poor Christopher Hewett died in 2001 from complications with his diabetes in Los Angeles but before he checked out he left us with years of wonderful work to remind us of his talents. He had been acting from the fifties until his death and was in a number of plays and TV shows to include ‘Murder She Wrote” (shocking), “E/R”,  “Fantasy Island” and of course the immortal “Mr. Belvedere”. The funny thing is he was really only cast as the “English proper” or “Butler servant”. He wasn’t complaining though. I remember Mr. Belvedere being as big as Alf back in the day.

   It’s Tiffany Brissette from the show “Small Wonder”! There aren’t many people who remember this show when I bring it up but if they saw this picture I am sure it would jog the memory. I always feel silly when I describe it. “You know, it’s about this guy who builds a robot named V.I.C.K.I. and everyone treats her like a member of the family. And one time she smoked pot on the show and blew a fuse and acted strange. And another time she fell in the pool and blew a fuse and acted strange. And they had this red headed girl named Harriet and she sucked. Ring a bell? Huh? Huh?……huh.”

 I’m not too proud to admit that I had a huge crush on Tiffany Brissette as a kid. I thought she hung the moon and this may sound strange, but when “Small Wonder” was on TV I refused to watch in in my pajamas. I can’t quite explain why but I had to be in my favorite themed sweater and corduroys. I guess I thought there was a chance she could see me through the TV. I was a weird kid.

  All though Tiffany was in a lot of TV shows in the 1980’s and early ’90’s like “Webster”, “Teen Win Lose Or Draw”, “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” and even the post Return Of The Jedi TV show “The Ewok Adventure”, she left Hollywood and never returned. After getting her degree at Westmont College in California she dedicated her life to helping children and teens as a counselor. She also is a marathon runner and rides horses during her free time. Man, I think I still have a crush on her. It would be nice to see her back on the TV again. Hopefully now I can watch without the need to put on a sweater with a bear on it.

  Well, part 6 is done. That’s all I have for now and I can cross off these few from the list that grows exponentially everyday. Hope you had fun.

AC/DC And Walmart

Well, it’s official. Rock and Roll has finally sold it’s soul to corporate America. One of my all time favorite bands, AC/DC announced that their next album will only be sold exclusively in Walmart stores. I’ll say it again. If you want AC/DC’s new album you can only get it at Walmart. It wasn’t enough that Walmart swallowed middle America and forced Mom and Pop shops to conform or be destroyed, now they bought Angus Young too. This is it! One hundred years of darkness, seas boiling, dead walking the Earth, cats and dogs living together……mass hysteria! It’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock, my ass! SAD PANDA!

Am I making too much of this?

On another note, every so often VeggieMacabre gets linked on a cool site. This week I was found on the WOW Report. Thanks, guys at World of WOW!

Let’s Go To The Beach

I am not dead! Sorry it has been so long. Work and life has been a real pain as of late but that is neither here nor there. What does “here nor there” mean anyway? I say that all the time but until I wrote it I just never thought about it. “To shake a stick at” is another one. I have never shaken a stick at anything in my life, much less many things.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, so life has been a bag of dicks but that’s not your problem. I am going to share a feel good memory about the beach because I miss it and I want to take a virtual trip. You are invited so don’t forget the beer, sunscreen, blanket and alkeselzer tablets for the seagulls. Just kidding.

So here we are at the beach house in Sea Isle City, NJ. I have to admit that right when we arrive the clock will be ticking for the trek down the street to the shore. But I know that we will have to do the lame job of unpacking the car, putting away all the food, making the beds, and opening all the windows to air out the vacant home. But little do you know that I have already cracked open the first of twenty Budlights that will be consumed before the end of the day. I am sorry but it is already half way done and I can’t stop the cold flow of alcoholic vacation goodness.

Finally it is beach time! We will be in our respected suits, yours much cooler than mine I am sure. But it’s fine because you can walk far ahead of me. I will take the a chair, the cooler, the radio and you can grab the other chair , blankets and bag full of the extra items like books, magazines, lotion and my emergency swim trunks. It’s a long story but one time I lost mine in the waves. The beach house never seemed so far away. I’ll take the heavy stuff because I am already on beer number four and that’s about the time when the term heavy means nothing.

The walk to the shore is less than a block but it’s a tough one when you refuse to wear flip flops. I have a thing about having sand rub in between the flip part of the flop. So that means my virgin feet will be scorched from not only the black topped road but also the loose sand at the beginning of the trail over the dunes. You will be behind me watching my high steps that would embarrass even Rick Moranos. But soon all the pain in the feet will fade as we peer over the top of the dune and the breeze from the ocean hits the face and the crashing waves muffle all the sounds of pedestrian traffic. We made it.

Finding the perfect spot to set up camp is always a challenge, especially when the feet are hovering around 400 degrees Celsius and possibly full of shells. It’s important not to be down wind of cigar smokers, away from possible football game outbreaks, at least 50 yards from any kid and not around old people who don’t like beer drinking and the tendency for impulsive dance. On top of all that, I am the type who will be there until the tide comes in so we will have to find a lunar gravity friendly zone. It takes a minute but when the perfect spot is found, all will be right with the world.

Off comes the shirt and on comes the suntan lotion! Most people will use a generous amount of SPF 70 for their first exposure to the summer sun but not me. I don’t believe that putting on a liquid shirt everyday of vacation will give you the true sense of the beach. I like having a little sunburn to let me know the next day as I take 15 minutes just to put one leg in the shower, that I have gone 100 percent in my relaxation. Just call me melanoma head.

Well, the blankets are laid out, the chairs are unfolded, the cooler is set, we are lathered with SPF and sun attractor, and the radio is on. Now for the pivotal moment when I introduce you to my mixed tape that has been with me on many beach vacations. This tape signifies that summer is here, we are on vacation and at the beach. If I ever lost it I may go camping in the woods for the rest of my life and never see another ocean again. Here is a sample of it. It’s a must for the beach and you have to listen.

The Monroe’s “What Do All The People Know”. My god I love this song. It will cause me to dance so if there is any shred of dignity that you may have, you may want to take that time to hunt down the Lemon Ice cart.

“Tenderness” from General Public is such a feel good song. Don’t know why this symbolizes summer but it does.

I wish this wasn’t the theme song for Look Who’s Talking because I love this song and I hate Kristy Alley. I can’t put my finger on it but I believe the synthesizers in this song is a symbol of 1985 at the beach. Or Pete Townshed’s huge nose. It must be murder when that guy has a head cold.

So the tunes are set and now it’s time to soak in the rays. This will last for approximately thirty minutes before I am compelled to run into the surf as if I was on fire. I won’t get out until either I have ingested too much saltwater or I need another beer. But I am guilty of not paying attention as I swim around the surf and before you know it the tide has pulled me 100 yards down the coast. This is a little confusing when trying to find the beach blanket. Last time I had to actually go out on the street to figure out what avenue number I drifted to. I may need you to keep an eye out for me. I’ll be the grown man with one arm floaty so it’ll make it easier for you.

There is one thing about salt air, it induces quite a hunger. I think a couple hours of beach fun will work up an appetite for turkey sandwiches, chips and Hi-C Echto Cooler. There has to be a break in the copious amount of Bud Light. The only problem I have with eating at the beach is that no matter how hard I try, I will always get the crunching of sand grains with whatever I am chewing. I will almost always touch something sandy and put my hand in the potato chip bag. It’s just a fact. I will also have sand on my beer can rim. Blech!

After we eat our sandwiches like they were our first meal in weeks it’s nap time. I can dig taking a nap on the beach. There is something that is so soothing and lulling about the ocean waves. But never far from my mind is a seagull shitting on my face. You may think this is an irrational fear but I saw it happen to my uncle. Yeah it was funny as hell but it could have been anyone of us. From then on I sleep with a hat on.

So the restless sleep is finished and it’s time to crack another beer. I think by that time it should be at least beer number 11. That sounds about right. Do you know what else it is time for? Velcro catch! I know this is sissy catch but with the wild pitches I have been known to throw, it is far better to hit an old lady in the head with a tennis ball than a real baseball. I’m kind of like a high strung dog. You will have to decide when this game is up. I can throw pretend pop ups all day.

I think by now it will be time for one final rinse in the ocean to clean all the sand from the suit’s waist line and pack it up. There is still dinner to go to and a boardwalk to walk. It will be a good possiblity that I will shake the blankets and towels up wind causing another trip to go rinse off. But that is a lesson that is easily forgotten over a whole year. By now the first sign of sunburn starts to show. I always check by pressing my hands to my stomach to see the print. Yep. I’ll be sunburned.

The greatest thing about the beach house is the outside showers. I love showering outside. Actually being naked outside is a good thing. This is the only time I can get away with it, legally. I’m sure the familiar sting on the thighs from the sun exposure will be apparent but that can be combated by two more beers, a shot of Patron and a little aloe. I know I committed to the sunburn but shit, I’m not trying to kill myself.

We will have to pace ourselves for first night because there is still a few more to go. I think after a great dinner, buying shot glasses and airbrushed shirts on the boardwalk we will go back and crank up the stereo. Then sit on the front deck with a few beers and meet the neighbors by playing Billy Idol way too loud. It has always been an ice breaker for me. Hopefully this time it will not include a police introduction as well.

So that’s our virtual beach trip. I say we do this for real. How ‘boucha?

Poor Jon Arbuckle

I confess I was a huge Garfield fan when I was younger. In fact I think I had numbers 1 through 32 of the comic books in my library. They would keep me occupied on the sixteen hour road trip to see the grandparents or any social event where children are to be seen and not heard. As a kid, of course I read them as a Garfield the cat fan but now that I am older I realize how sad Jon Arbuckle was. In real life, if there was a guy who confided in his cat I would feel compelled to say he was pathetic. If you remove Garfield all together, I would say it is disturbing.

Dude needs some serious meds.

Where Did You Go…In Space?

Here I go again. Curiosity has taken the best of me and I find the need to ask what rational people never think about. Today’s “Where Did You Go” theme will be a space one. It’s funny to think that a lot of the movies back in the eighties were based off a magical box called a computer and through that unknown resource of technology anything was possible. Whether it was taking pieces of discarded junk to construct a spaceship, plug in a processor making the magic of space travel possible or start World war 3, computers made any story believable. But I digress. Actually, I don’t know where I was going with that at all. So without further ado, here are some Astronauts from the 80’s.

Joey Cramer from the Disney movie, Flight Of The Navigator. I swear that this was on HBO for 10 years straight when I was growing up. This was the only real notable role for Joey. He played David Scott Freeman, a kid who was abducted by an alien at 12 and returned back to Earth, only it was eight years later and he had not aged a day. For some reason he always struck me as a whiny little dick. “I wanna go back to my family…Jack gets all the attention…..You took me away from my family…but I want a Golden Goose….” Regardless, the one cool thing is the brief appearance of the Foot (Sarah Jessica Parker). I love the scene in reference to Twisted Sister when David asked, “who’s she?” Sarah replied, “It’s not a she it’s a he. Actually it’s a them…”

The Canadian born actor has not done much since Flight of the Navigator besides a few odd movies and a guest appearance on “Murder She Wrote”. He did win the Saturn Award for Flight of the Navigator so I guess that’s pretty cool. Where ever he is, he is 34 and I will not bet my life on it but here is a picture of him from 1996. The only one I could find.

I hope that is him. It’s from some off Broadway play but since then, I got nothin’.

 

We all know this movie! Like I said in the beginning, anything is possible with a computer and a Tilt-a-Whirl. Most people remember Ethan Hawk and the late River Phoenix but not me. I remember Jason Presson, the lesser known actor but the one I liked the best. Ethan was too much of a windbag in this film and River was plowing a pretty grotesque alien, so the only one left to respect was Jason Presson, (Darren Woods).

I guess Jason took a different road after The Explorers because River Phoenix and Ethan Hawk’s career really shot off. Since then he has stayed primarily with TV and lower budget films. But I do have to give him props for Gremlins 2. He hasn’t done much that I can find since 1997 but I did find a recent picture of him. I hope he goes back to film. We need more Pressons out there.

I remember seeing this movie, but I don’t recall the specifics. All I know is Larry B. Scott was in it. Whether his role was the token character or not, he is one of my favorite actors. I love this guy and I have been a fan since Iron Eagle.

Larry B. Scott played the role of Rudy Tyler, a science geek that fell short of a few essential skills like… understanding it. He was really an entrepreneur who loved french fries and dreamed of one day opening a restaurant in space. We are still waiting, Rudy.

Larry’s resume really stands alone from other recently obscured actors. His films include Iron eagle, Revenge of the Nerds, Karate Kid, Snake eater 2 and his debut movie, A Hero Ain’t Nothin’ But A Sandwich. I challenge anyone to bring that film up in a conversation. I have personally said it 10 times aloud and each time a couldn’t help but laugh. Love ya’ Larry! Here is a recent side shot.

Still a winner so many years later.

Hello Ally Sheedy! Goodness gracious she’s a hottie. I know I am drifting from the space theme but stay with me here. The movie War Games is about two teenagers who play with their computer magic box and the mystical, yet prehistoric Internet when the Web only had a few strings, and almost start a world war. I take the space theme because one, ICBMs go to space and two, I love Ally Sheedy. Two should be a good enough reason.

I think we all know how Ally has been but I just wanted to include her because I haven’t seen her around. Actually since she kicked her sleeping pill addiction I haven’t seen her in anything mainstream. The last project that I remember was when she played the ticket agent in Home Alone 2. That’s no place for a Goddess! Get you act together agents! Right? (crowd response- RABBLE! RABBLE! RABBLE!)

JINX the robot from Space Camp! Well, I can’t find a picture of him for the life of me so I will give you a clip of him in the most unrealistic scenario in cinema history.

Shame on you Tom Skerritt for being in this crap! But anyway, there is JINX. The robot that had a boy crush on Max (Joaquin Phoenix) granting his wish and shooting him into space. To me JINX sounds like a three year old with a trachiotomy. But what ever. If there was any truth to this movie I think we could currently find JINX looking like this:

Oh man, I have rambled through this one. Thanks for putting up with me. Now off to a meeting with Fuck stick One and Fuck Stick Two. Have a stellar weekend!

The Government At Work

When talking to a customer service representative over the phone do you have a picture in your mind of what they look like? I do. I have an image of them as if they were talking directly across the table from me. Today, however I had the joy of dealing with the government and we all know how that goes. I have been on a quest for months to track down a DD-215 which is a corrected form of a military service record. In order to do that it requires patience, six months to kill, a virgin sacrifice, a goat and a pretty good handle on The Force. Here is how today’s conversation went.

Me- *beep boo bop boo beep beep beep* (phone sounds)

Gov- ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring…… Hello, you have reached the Department of Veteran Service Archives. All agents are busy helping other service members at this time but your call is very important to us. Please hold and the next available agent will be with you. The current wait time is 10 to 40 minutes.

(music)

25 minutes later

( My imagination)

Gov- Thank you for holding this is Nadeen, how can I assist you today?

Me- Hi Nadeen, how are you today?

Gov- uuuuuhhh…fine?

Me- Great! I have sent a written request for a DD-215 last January and I received an email from VASR that my packet was available and I was just wondering when I can expect it to be delivered.

Gov- You received an email from who?

Me- The Veterans Affair office of Service Records.

Gov- Did you send in a written request to our office directly?

Me- Yes…..

Gov- Can I have your social?

Me -Sure, it’s 255-**-****

Gov- 264-97-345783?

Me- No, and I think you have too many numbers. It’S 255-**-* * * *.

Gov- 2 5 5 – **-* * * *

Me- That’s it!

Gov- Is this William?

Me- Yup!

Gov- Hrm…………It says here that you wrote in a request in January. And……It says that you wanted a dd215. Annnnnd, it says that this is a request to have it mailed to your current address. hmmmm.

(my imagination)

Me- That’s all true. Do you know when I can expect to receive it?

Gov- Oh, I wouldn’t know that.

Me- No? Do you know who I can contact to find out?

Gov- I don’t know, would you like me to find out?

Me- If you don’t mind.

Gov- Please hold for me William.

( dial tone)

Me to myself- Mother bitch! She hung up on me! I can’t believe…..

*beep boo bop boo beep beep beep* (phone sounds)

Gov- ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring…… Hello, you have reached the Department of Veteran Service Archives. All agents are busy helping other service members at this time but your call is very important to us. Please hold and the next available agent will be with you. The current wait time is 10 to 40 minutes.

(music)

Oddly enough it was only 10 minutes

Gov- Thank you for holding, this is Nadeen. How may I help you?

Me- Hi Nadeen, this is Will. I think we got disconnected.

Gov- Was I helping you?

Me- It’s William. I’m pretty sure.

Gov- Oh, William. I don’t know how we got disconnected. Ok, I talked to my supervisor and she said it will be delivered (counts under her breath) about 8 weeks for your delivery.

Me- What? Eight weeks? Really? The email said it will be sent out 3 to 4 business days. How will it be eight weeks?

Gov- We are really backed up.

Me- Are you sure? I am looking at the email and it clearly states that the delivery will be in 3 to 4 business days. You have the right person, right?

Gov- Let me get your social security number again.

Me- 255-**-****

Gov-245-67-871542?

( now my imagination)

Me- Noooooo. It is 2 5 5 – * *- * * * *

Gov- Is this William?

Me- Let me check……yup.

Gov- It says that your written request was received.

Me- Annnnd?

Gov- And that we received it.

Me- (labored breathing) Nadeen. Can you give me someone who can help me find out when my dd-215 will be sent to my house? I have an email from your office requesting me to call for verification since I have to sign for it. Is there someone who can just answer me that question?

Gov- That’s me! But I can’t tell you that.

Me- Why not? (In an angry Steve Martin from Planes Trains and Automobiles voice.)

Gov- Because it doesn’t say on my computer. Is there something else I can help you with?

Me- Yeah, what’s the capitol of California?

Gov- It’s San Fransisco isn’t it?

Me- sigh…… ( hangs up and sprints into the wall)

I give up folks. I think I am going to move to Nova Scotia.

Well, It Could Be Worse

I am starting to dread Wednesday meetings and it’s not because they are drab or boring. They are but there is a dedicated hour that I have to show my account predictions and compare them to last week’s using only Microsoft Project. That means there are no fancy hand gestures or Wookie defense talk that can save me from the blank expressions after I clearly tell them in numbers whether I had a good week or a bad one. So today I sat there, wrestling with the projector, thinking that there are far worse places to be. Believe it or not, the meeting went over well, even though I showed the room I am a retard with a rubix cube when it comes to a certain account. It’s all about perspective, my friends. Let’s take a look at some examples.

One could always be in here. I try to make it a goal to only be in a port o potty in emergency senerios but when I am, this is never too far from my mind.

Great Whites are by far my favorite animal in the animal kingdom. It’s ironic, but they are the last thing I want to see at the beach. I think the comedian Kevin James summed it up best when he said, “I have the same reaction in the ocean when something touches me foot, whether it’s seaweed or a great white shark.”

I don’t know what would be worse here, wearing a Speedo in public, having a Euro-mullet or getting a face full of ass.

I took a course in Crew Resource Management for pilots and a good portion of it was listening to the black box recordings of the final moments before a crash. I guess it was to analyze the decision making and crew management but I walked away very disturbed. All I thought about were the passengers and how out of touch they were of the dire situation that was unfolding in the cockpit. It’s kind of like my love/hate of the great white. I love flying but I’m nervous as a passenger.

Shot by a monkey. It could happen! They have thumbs you know. I’m just kidding. I do think getting attacked by a primate would really ruin your day. I watched a program on Animal Planet and they had a guy with half a face testify to how bad it sucks to be attacked by a monkey. He also lost his testicles. That solidified it. I can never trust a monkey again.

I’m glad this little guy learned not to chew on pens at an early age. I had to learn it in college during Public Speaking 101.

I have no idea how people get themselves in positions like this but it’s a given that I would rather be in a meeting than having this X-Ray taken.

So you see? It’s all about perspective in life and that alone will power me through a two hour meeting. Tonight I will go to an equally dull dinner so I am thinking I would much rather do that than cut off my lower lip with a rusty pair of scissors. Wow, now I can’t wait to go!

Practical Joke Day!

I think I need to be a little more productive at work. It’s not that I am bored or lazy, it’s just that the days seem to drag on a bit longer than I remember. So today I couldn’t help myself and regressed to a 16 year teenager. I pulled a practical joke on a co-worker and I must say, I am pretty proud of myself. It wasn’t a Jim Halpurt “calculator in Jello” maneuver but it was on the same level.

To defend myself the person on the receiving end deserved it. He’s a good guy but one, he plays competitive handball. That’s disturbing. And two, he asked me if I ever have a serious side. Well pal, here is your answer.

Here is how it went down:

  • Conducted inner office reconnaissance from 8-10am
  • Observed that the subject left his cubicle to the printer station at least 5 times in an hour.
  • When he was at the printer station I pulled up a YouTube clip and paused it
  • Turned his processor backwards toward the wall and turned his speakers all the way up.
  • Before unplugging the mouse I pressed play and turned off his monitor.
  • Crawled on my hands and knees all the way to my office without anyone noticing
  • Watched all the gofers pop their heads from the top of the cubicles
  • Saw said person come unglued
  • Then went back to work worried that I took it too far.

Here is the video. Imagine it’s in a quiet office and this is way loud.

I shouldn’t be in corporate America.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: