Let’s Go To The Beach


I am not dead! Sorry it has been so long. Work and life has been a real pain as of late but that is neither here nor there. What does “here nor there” mean anyway? I say that all the time but until I wrote it I just never thought about it. “To shake a stick at” is another one. I have never shaken a stick at anything in my life, much less many things.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, so life has been a bag of dicks but that’s not your problem. I am going to share a feel good memory about the beach because I miss it and I want to take a virtual trip. You are invited so don’t forget the beer, sunscreen, blanket and alkeselzer tablets for the seagulls. Just kidding.

So here we are at the beach house in Sea Isle City, NJ. I have to admit that right when we arrive the clock will be ticking for the trek down the street to the shore. But I know that we will have to do the lame job of unpacking the car, putting away all the food, making the beds, and opening all the windows to air out the vacant home. But little do you know that I have already cracked open the first of twenty Budlights that will be consumed before the end of the day. I am sorry but it is already half way done and I can’t stop the cold flow of alcoholic vacation goodness.

Finally it is beach time! We will be in our respected suits, yours much cooler than mine I am sure. But it’s fine because you can walk far ahead of me. I will take the a chair, the cooler, the radio and you can grab the other chair , blankets and bag full of the extra items like books, magazines, lotion and my emergency swim trunks. It’s a long story but one time I lost mine in the waves. The beach house never seemed so far away. I’ll take the heavy stuff because I am already on beer number four and that’s about the time when the term heavy means nothing.

The walk to the shore is less than a block but it’s a tough one when you refuse to wear flip flops. I have a thing about having sand rub in between the flip part of the flop. So that means my virgin feet will be scorched from not only the black topped road but also the loose sand at the beginning of the trail over the dunes. You will be behind me watching my high steps that would embarrass even Rick Moranos. But soon all the pain in the feet will fade as we peer over the top of the dune and the breeze from the ocean hits the face and the crashing waves muffle all the sounds of pedestrian traffic. We made it.

Finding the perfect spot to set up camp is always a challenge, especially when the feet are hovering around 400 degrees Celsius and possibly full of shells. It’s important not to be down wind of cigar smokers, away from possible football game outbreaks, at least 50 yards from any kid and not around old people who don’t like beer drinking and the tendency for impulsive dance. On top of all that, I am the type who will be there until the tide comes in so we will have to find a lunar gravity friendly zone. It takes a minute but when the perfect spot is found, all will be right with the world.

Off comes the shirt and on comes the suntan lotion! Most people will use a generous amount of SPF 70 for their first exposure to the summer sun but not me. I don’t believe that putting on a liquid shirt everyday of vacation will give you the true sense of the beach. I like having a little sunburn to let me know the next day as I take 15 minutes just to put one leg in the shower, that I have gone 100 percent in my relaxation. Just call me melanoma head.

Well, the blankets are laid out, the chairs are unfolded, the cooler is set, we are lathered with SPF and sun attractor, and the radio is on. Now for the pivotal moment when I introduce you to my mixed tape that has been with me on many beach vacations. This tape signifies that summer is here, we are on vacation and at the beach. If I ever lost it I may go camping in the woods for the rest of my life and never see another ocean again. Here is a sample of it. It’s a must for the beach and you have to listen.

The Monroe’s “What Do All The People Know”. My god I love this song. It will cause me to dance so if there is any shred of dignity that you may have, you may want to take that time to hunt down the Lemon Ice cart.

“Tenderness” from General Public is such a feel good song. Don’t know why this symbolizes summer but it does.

I wish this wasn’t the theme song for Look Who’s Talking because I love this song and I hate Kristy Alley. I can’t put my finger on it but I believe the synthesizers in this song is a symbol of 1985 at the beach. Or Pete Townshed’s huge nose. It must be murder when that guy has a head cold.

So the tunes are set and now it’s time to soak in the rays. This will last for approximately thirty minutes before I am compelled to run into the surf as if I was on fire. I won’t get out until either I have ingested too much saltwater or I need another beer. But I am guilty of not paying attention as I swim around the surf and before you know it the tide has pulled me 100 yards down the coast. This is a little confusing when trying to find the beach blanket. Last time I had to actually go out on the street to figure out what avenue number I drifted to. I may need you to keep an eye out for me. I’ll be the grown man with one arm floaty so it’ll make it easier for you.

There is one thing about salt air, it induces quite a hunger. I think a couple hours of beach fun will work up an appetite for turkey sandwiches, chips and Hi-C Echto Cooler. There has to be a break in the copious amount of Bud Light. The only problem I have with eating at the beach is that no matter how hard I try, I will always get the crunching of sand grains with whatever I am chewing. I will almost always touch something sandy and put my hand in the potato chip bag. It’s just a fact. I will also have sand on my beer can rim. Blech!

After we eat our sandwiches like they were our first meal in weeks it’s nap time. I can dig taking a nap on the beach. There is something that is so soothing and lulling about the ocean waves. But never far from my mind is a seagull shitting on my face. You may think this is an irrational fear but I saw it happen to my uncle. Yeah it was funny as hell but it could have been anyone of us. From then on I sleep with a hat on.

So the restless sleep is finished and it’s time to crack another beer. I think by that time it should be at least beer number 11. That sounds about right. Do you know what else it is time for? Velcro catch! I know this is sissy catch but with the wild pitches I have been known to throw, it is far better to hit an old lady in the head with a tennis ball than a real baseball. I’m kind of like a high strung dog. You will have to decide when this game is up. I can throw pretend pop ups all day.

I think by now it will be time for one final rinse in the ocean to clean all the sand from the suit’s waist line and pack it up. There is still dinner to go to and a boardwalk to walk. It will be a good possiblity that I will shake the blankets and towels up wind causing another trip to go rinse off. But that is a lesson that is easily forgotten over a whole year. By now the first sign of sunburn starts to show. I always check by pressing my hands to my stomach to see the print. Yep. I’ll be sunburned.

The greatest thing about the beach house is the outside showers. I love showering outside. Actually being naked outside is a good thing. This is the only time I can get away with it, legally. I’m sure the familiar sting on the thighs from the sun exposure will be apparent but that can be combated by two more beers, a shot of Patron and a little aloe. I know I committed to the sunburn but shit, I’m not trying to kill myself.

We will have to pace ourselves for first night because there is still a few more to go. I think after a great dinner, buying shot glasses and airbrushed shirts on the boardwalk we will go back and crank up the stereo. Then sit on the front deck with a few beers and meet the neighbors by playing Billy Idol way too loud. It has always been an ice breaker for me. Hopefully this time it will not include a police introduction as well.

So that’s our virtual beach trip. I say we do this for real. How ‘boucha?

30 thoughts on “Let’s Go To The Beach

  1. omg thank you for the laugh! I am still laughing at “I’ll be the grown man with one arm floaty”! πŸ˜† Felt like I was right there with you πŸ™‚ Good to see you… missed ya!

  2. I can’t quite walk on the sand wearing flip flops and I don’t enjoy setting my feet on fire when I go barefoot, so it’s always an interesting dance to go from the car / beach house to the desired ocean location. And sunblock? I’m more of a sun accelerator kind of a girl. Bring on the cancer because I look way more attractive when I’m sporting a tan.

  3. This is the kind of beach trip I’m willing to take. Living in southern California I don’t go to the beach because the water is green and packed full of seaweed. I’ll help with the drinking. Of course I did that this weekend while swimming in a pool and I now have a huge hematoma on my thigh and a swelled and bruised foot. Maybe I’ll just be the one to guard the towels and the cooler. πŸ˜‰

  4. Oh man. Being a Nor-Cal gal means Beach Trips like this are very rare. In fact- the only time I’ve ever really had a trip like the one described have been in WATER PARKS. How sad, huh?

    But I love it.
    I really do- You sound like a rad dood to chill with, and having brews with ya sounds like a good way to pass a beautiful day.
    Maybe someday, right?
    *sigh*

  5. July 13th, we’re all going to Wilmington! The NC beaches are fine, i guess. I’ve never been. But I’ve lived here three years so I think it’s time I go. There are nine of us going and OF COURSE Billy is invited. However. Believe it or not, I have a summer mix tape too and we have to make sure ours are compatible. I have The Ronettes’ “Be My Baby,” When In Rome’s “The Promise,” Toto’s “Hold the Line,” The Smiths’ “This Charming Man,” Pet Shop Boys’ “West End Girls,” and, inexplicably, Iron Maiden’s “Hallowed by They Name.” Will this work? No, seriously. SERIOUSLY.

  6. all the beaches around here are lakes, and now they are all either empty (see: lake delton) or filled with untreated sewage due to flooding. i want to go to your beach.

  7. “β€œTo shake a stick at” is another one. I have never shaken a stick at anything in my life, much less many things”

    OMG is that what 30 is like? I am going to have to not live to 30 then I just decided that!

    “Oh yeah, so life has been a bag of dicks but that’s not your problem’

    Ok ok WHEW that was a close one I am better now! πŸ™‚

    Of course Will the beach it is. I think the outside shower is just to rinse and not to do a full shower. And you have a mix tape ‘snickers’ talk about being in a time warp and being proud of it. I have three cd’s I made that I titled them truck mix 1,2 and 3 that I burned from various random songs I liked at the time or I remembered liking and found on the net again and felt it was worthy to put on the CD. I chose the title truck mix because we had a truck at the time with a CD player. We have a 2001 minivan now WITH NO CD PLAYER can you believe that?!?! I have a portable cd player and a car kit for it but I have haven’t used it yet.

    The one thing I would of added in your description is what the beach towels looks like. Are they the goofy cartoonish kind or do they have a nicer picture then that? I know when I was 12 we were on vacation and I saw someone over a fence had hanging there to dry beach towels and one of them was a bart simpson towel he was in the middle of it in all his glory I was so jealous I wanted it so bad I was thinking about if I stole it would they catch me and all sorts of greedy evil thoughts but I let them have their towel.

    I am trying also with all my might to think of a game I would suggest but I am blank. I once when I was a teenager played beach volleyball and oh man did that suck because you are so slow walking and jogging on that sand.

    I would wear sunblock, a t-shirt and shorts w/ some crocs. Why not a bathing suit you ask? Horrible memories of being self conscious in a bathing suit in swimming class in middle school. I wanted to skip swimming class so badly. You are practically naked in front of everybody!! I did like to jump off the diving board though. For everyone that doesn’t know about crocs they are like foam slip on shoes with a strap that you can push to the front and just wear them like slippers. I am wearing some dark blue ones right now.

    Like everyone else I was missing ya. I was wondering where my little Willy went to 😦

  8. Well, good to see ya back, man! I gotta say, I’ve never had a trip to the beach that involved drinking loads of Bud Light but it sounds like a good way to go. My family goes to Myrtle Beach every year but I’ve sat it out for the last few years cause Myrtle’s changed so much the last few years ever since the Pavilion was taken down and it just got so stupidly expensive. But, I’d like to go on another trip soon, preferably without the family. It’s kind of hard to cut loose with them kind of cramping my style, ya dig?

    “Tenderness”! Yes! Great selection. I’ve always loved that song and it will always remind me of Weird Science. “What Do All The People Know” is a great one too. I think we would have very similar tastes in road trip mix tapes.

    socialpariah, I’m digging some of your selections as well. The fact that it skews a little dark makes it all the better, if you ask me.

  9. Yeah DJ D, you should check out Socialpariah! She’s in two really great bands. The fact that she listens to King Diamond and Iron Maiden won me over.

    I think the one arm floaty will keep me swimming in circles so the chance of me ending up five miles away is not as great.

    Losing the swim trunks was awful. I just knew the lifeguard would spot a shark or something and evacuate the water. I would have swam for England.

  10. Funny nevertheless. I can just picture some poor unsuspecting children building sandcastles a few miles up the beach when your trunks come floating in on a wave. Maybe they were used as a flag for someone’s castle.

  11. I have been listening to “Number of the Beast” by Iron Maiden in the truck for like two weeks… and every time “Hallowed be thy Name” comes on, I lsiten to it twice. That is a GREAT SUMMER SONG, man.
    wo-man.
    whatevs.

  12. Ummm…20 Bud Lights? Seriously, do you know who you’re dealing with here? That will just not do. I’d drink half of those in no time and then we’d have to run our asses to the store. Sorry, nope…let’s just get a 1/4 keg. You can carry it. I have faith.

  13. Hee…A couple of years ago I drank a case of Budweisers in a day and almost lost my jeans to the great Atlantic. Thank goodness for a friend who saved them.

    Shoot, let’s get a keg.

  14. Wow, once I clicked on the Monroes clip and got that rocking, I really felt like I was there “Hi-C-ing it up” with you, sand in the bum-crack and alll….sigh….thanks for the virtual trip πŸ™‚

  15. speaking of virtual trips, i’m about to go on a real one in august to go see motorhead and judas priest. if only iron maiden was on the bill, my life would be complete. i will drink a bud light for you. i am a high life girl (it’s the champagne of beers, you know) but i will drink one for you. or 20. or a case. but if i lose my bathing suit i will cry.

  16. Priest is my favorite. Hands down. Just had Green Manelishi on the turn table. That’s so sweet you would lower your standards to have a drink for me. πŸ˜€

  17. Hmmm…you’re putting my recent beach trip to shame. So much to ring true…the telltale sunburn finger press…the one danged grain of sand that gets in your mouth while you’re eating. I love that velcro catch ball thing….we took some kind of ‘track ball’ thing. I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I was able to catch a ball with it so it must be for beginners.

    I will stop writing my ‘Where are they now…in cyberspace’ post now.

  18. Oh maigawd! I totally forgot about that Judas Priest/Motorhead show!
    *Beats self with Cat O’ Nine Tails*
    I even have “free” tickets to it since we got the new priest CD…
    I’m gonna go look into that shit RIGHT NOW.

  19. Waitaminute…..Priest AND Motorhead at the SAME SHOW?? Where??…..and more importantly, why didn’t know I know about this? Please tell me it’s some place that I wouldn’t have a snow ball’s chance of going to anyway. I’ll feel better about that. But if it’s in like, Charlotte or someplace I can get to easily I’m going to be really bummed.

  20. Attention DJ D: Bristow, VA on August 7. Priest, Motorhead, Heaven and Hell, and Testament. That is close enough to you, I think? I mean, it should be, if Charlotte is close enough to you. Sorry, Billy, for using your comments section as a Ticketmaster Update Center.

Speak to me, Egor.

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