Voices Kerry?

Every so often I find out that I have been wrong about a particular saying, name, word, ect. Today it was a song. I have been singing this in the car for years only to be corrected when I muttered the words under my breath. The girl in the office asked, “what are you singing?” Immediately I became self conscious as I slowly muttered what I sang. Of course hysterical laughter followed suit as I asked what the real lyrics were. I was way off.

The song was “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday. It has always been a great song in my mind but I have been consistently wrong about the lyrics and what the song was about. I haven’t even watched the video until today. Not only did I have it wrong years ago but I self corrected the lyrics and made it worse.

The line “Hush hush, keep it down, Voices carry” never sounded that way to me. I originally thought it was “Hello Josh. You came downtown. This is Kerry”. As if the boyfriend or who ever, came late to downtown to meet his girl who is introducing him to her friend Kerry. I even had a scene in my head about how the interaction would go. Well, that was wrong and the more I thought about it the sillier it seemed. So I changed it.

Now it was “Oh Josh, keep it down now, you’re so scary.” That was the line I shot out this morning. It seemed to be more conducive with the tone of the song but alas, this too was wrong. So I get to be taunted for the next week or too with ‘Voices Carry” and I’m too stubborn to sing it correctly. Josh is scary.

EDIT!

I feel it is my duty to do this. I am now going to ruin Celine Dion’s song from the movie Titanic, “My heart Will Go On.” When she sings “..I believe that the heart does goes on” replace it with “the hot dogs go on”. I swear, you’ll never listen to it the same way again.

Just Not The Same

Is it just me or does getting older really ruin all the little things in life. For example, a good friend corrected me when I used the term “conniption fit.” For the longest time I thought it was “connip-shit” and I have been using that for as long as I remember. It’s embarrassing to admit but that’s the truth. So it prompted a hard look at somethings that just aren’t the same anymore.

Ewoks suck. For the longest time I regarded Return Of The Jedi as the greatest Star Wars movie of them all. Now that I look back i just see it as one giant toy revenue stream, which was fine when I was 7 but now I feel a little bored with it. Much like finding out your are really a conservative when you give into corporate America, I require more in a movie than “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” and latex muppets. I consider myself an Empire Strikes Back fan now. Plus, thanks to a picture at Social Pariah, it just dawned on me that Wicket was really the downs syndrome Ewok that tends to wander through Endor. I imagine he lives in the lowest hut at the Ewok Village. He also looks like a smelly. “Yub-Yub”.

Hotels suck. The thrill is gone when it comes to travel. I think I realized this on a trip a few months ago when I was spoiled by a five star room and the next week I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. That drastic change turned me into a snob. Everything about the room annoyed me from the TV only having 20 channels to the air conditioning being too loud. I remember a time when I would drink at the lounge, meet new people, order room service, even go to the pool. Now, I work in bed, read a book and complain in the morning that my back is stiff. I even bring my own pillow case for fear of getting some face disease. What a shit I am.

I will never ride on this. When I was growing up we used to South Jersey for the summer and the days were all the same. During the day we would be at the shore and at night we would ride the rides. It must have been a thrill for my poor folks but I lived for it. Today when I see a fair, all I can think about is the amount of insurance that goes into portable roller coasters. Beside the fact that just looking at them makes my equilibrium off balance I am absolutely positive that I will not be killed on the “Scrambler”. I can see the local news story now. “Local man flung off the Scrambler in a bucket seat. Witnesses said he was making squealing sounds before he landed in the donkey ride. He did not survive.”

Buffets are ruined. I have a hard time eating at Chinese or even American buffets and I think it is because I just think about it too hard. My imagination takes the best of me and all I imagine is sneezey people, grubby kid fingers and flies. I am the jerk that orders off the menu when everyone one else is elbow deep in Lo Mein. However, I do miss eating Kung Pao chicken and corn dogs at the same time.

The excitement of the theater. I actually do miss going to the movies but I just cant find the time to spend two hours anywhere for recreation. The last film I saw was Cloverfield and it was reminiscent of the old movie experience but lately I don’t have the desire. I blame friends that i used to hang out with for that. They were the couple that dressed like the characters of the film. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why people dress up for the opening of a film. As you could imagine I was pretty embarrassed when the last Star Wars movie opened up.

I am sure there plenty of other items in life that I have grown to see differently. It’s hard to think of them right off the top of my head but be sure, I’ll let you know. That reminds me, up until today I have used the term “to no extent”. It is “to some extent” and “to no end”. It’s good that I figured that out at 30.

Top 10 Movie Scenes

Everyone has their all time favorite movie scenes and I am no different. The other day I was in a deep discussion with a not-so-deep person. The subject of favorite movies came up and I sat there while she listed 27 Dresses, Pretty Woman, Titanic, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, ect… Some of those movies were not a surprise to me but when I listed mine she gave me a look that seemed to say, “that’s sad that you are a geek”. When I recognized the look I asked her what are her favorite scenes from the movies. To that, she didn’t know. All she knew was that the films were pleasing as a whole and that is as deep as she got. So I gave her a look that said, “oh, that is sad she is retarded”.

Loved by many as well as hated by many, the movie Clifford really went down as one of my favorites because of one particular scene. Martin Short plays Clifford, a mischievous 10 year old that is on a quest to go to Dino-World and in doing so, upends his uncle’s (Charles Grodin) life as he knows it. The scene that put this movie on the top ten list is when his uncle (Grodin) asks Clifford to look like a normal person for one minute. Martin Short’s attempt is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I do this impression when ever I am asked to look at someone when they are talking. Please watch and enjoy. (Is it just me, or does Charles Grodin’s head look weird in that picture above?)

Twilight Zone The Movie caused me to lose my faith in cartoons. It was all because of the chapter about a boy with telekinetic powers who kept his family hostage and slave to his every want and need. That is until he lured a kind hearted woman to his home. The scene that propelled this movie to the 10 list is when his imagination took form in real, not CG, special effects that scared the shit out of me. Even today I get the willies when I see these things. This trumps any scary thing in my nightmares and the folks can thank a hike in their power bill from the hall light being left on thanks to the Twilight Zone.

The “Brownie Incident” in the movie The ‘Burbs will always be etched in my mind as being way too funny for the intended purpose. I have a hard time watching this in public because I wheeze when I see that scene. It can be embarrassing but more times than not, the laughter is contagious and it is cause to rewind and play over and over again. On another note, anything that I drop will always be followed by a “I dropped the goddamn (insert item here)!”

I love this movie. I always have and believe it or not I first saw it on a Catholic retreat weekend in the 80’s. I believe the first scene when Carolann has a conversation with the “TV people” was not only creepy but it was a subtle chill that I deem next to Godliness. Spielberg has a knack for that. He really is underrated, wouldn’t you agree? Plus, the Metro Goldwyn, Mayer lion will forever be the intro, in my mind, to the National Anthem.

Oh the classic! National Lampoon’s Vacation was the greatest film to me and my dad. I couldn’t find the exact clip but when Clark (Chevy Chase) returns from his trek through the desert, I must say, it went down in history as the quote of quotes. “Hey kids, ya’ thirsty?!?!?” Most people don;t find that scene as the pinnacle of the movie but boy I do. Here’s a compilation of one of my favorites and lately, one of TBS’s.

In case you are wondering this is the glorious soundtrack to the movie Iron Eagle. I can pick a few great scenes out but nothing compares to the testing range when Doug says, “Damn it Chappy, I’m doing it my way!” If you haven’t seen this flick you should. Only in the 80’s could there be a film about a kid who steals an Air Force jet from, I don’t know…California, fly to Iran in a few hours, bomb the bag of dicks back to the stone age, rescue the father, fly home and be rewarded by an appointment to the Air Force Academy.  Pure genius.

Definitely less fun than the other movies but still I had to include it. The Exorcist was one of those movies that I had seen from the safety of the banister rails when the folks thought I was safe in bed. Little did they know I was scarring myself for years. One of those scenes that did the job was Father Carras’s first dialog with the already possessed Reagan. I can’t tell you why, but I believe this is the scariest thing on American film.

I have a real tough time watching the beginning scene of Saving Private Ryan without shedding a tear. I can’t describe it and I don’t think there are words that could. Please watch.

I love this scene from the movie, There’s Something About Mary, because as many of you know, it’s personal. There are things that are far worse than stepping in dog poop and tracking it in the date’s house. It is hard to pick a scene that is the best from this movie. Every thing from warren’s flip out to the 7 minute abs scene I think this one was strictly by default. The only testicle shot to be seen in the theater that didn’t include bums and extra napkins.

Last but no least we come to the greatest cinema scene to me. This one is shared by many and I believe it to be some of the greatest acting in the world. If the shark wasn’t scary enough the audience gets chilled to the bone by Quint’s tales of how terrifying being eaten alive is. I have read the book and I believe Robert Shaw did it justice.

So that is the top 10. I bet next week it will change but for now, there you go.

Bonus! The worst scene!

Tim Cappello!

Showbiz Pizza And The Rock-Afire Explosion

I believe Showbiz Pizza for me as a child was much like an opium tent for Ralph Dunning. When I was there time flew by so fast because it was like a system overload. It was just too much for a 7 year old to digest when placed in an environment that had pizza, video games (they were new back then), a pool of plastic balls, skee-ball, and tickets to trade for things like this. There was, however, an animatronic band that I was less than enthused about. The Rock-Afire Explosion.

I can remember a specific birthday party and sitting at the table closest to the stage. While all the kids were busy drinking cups of suicide soda and shoving pizza in their face I was keeping a suspicious eye on the animatronic rock band. Perhaps I was too close to the stage because I heard less music and more of hydraulic hissings and the metallic hurks and jerks. The smell of the electronic heat from the cyborg-like apes and bears over powered the smell of pizza and sweaty kid. After the ten minute show was over and the curtain closed, curiosity over powered me and I crept to the stage to peer behind the curtain to make sure they weren’t taking a five minute smoke break. But what I saw was just eerie.

Behind the curtain the band stood silent with their eyes open, staring straight a head at the closed curtain. The dim lighting and the motionlessness of the characters gave me an uneasy feeling much like sleeping in a room with a three foot doll. In the background the sounds of screaming kids and the bells and whistles of the games were heard but I was fixed on the duality of life and death represented between what happens when the curtain opens and closes. Then it happened.

Before the curtain opens the band starts to move. While I was deep in thought about the eeriness of the lifeless band the hydraulics kicked in with the “pfffftts, screeeeee, weeeng” and they began to move. I can’t recall how it happened but before I knew it I found myself in the ball-pit with my shoes on. This terrified me to no extent and I didn’t even mind getting yelled at for wearing my Keds a “no shoe zone”. For the rest of the day I stayed close to the front, skipping the birthday cake and present opening. At the end I grabbed my parting gift bag and was all too happy to leave.

That night I had a terrible nightmare that Fatz Geronimo, the ape keyboardist, jumped over his keyboard and chased me around Showbiz.

Insanity Has A Face: 2

I don’t know if many of you have read my first post about the much beloved Norma Lee so here is a refresher. Many moons ago I was a working stiff that spent at least three hours a day in Atlanta traffic. To pass the time and keep my sanity there was a morning radio show called The Regular Guys on 96 Rock. Every so often they would hit a home run with musical guests but none quite as unique as Norma Lee. From the very first note she sang, she had my heart. It may sound as if I am making fun but really I do have a lot of respect for her ability to be who she is. I present to you again, Norma Lee.

Norma starts off playing us a tune written and produced by Barney. Who Barney is we are left to wonder but regardless, it’s catchy and yes, I did hum along. There isn’t a congruent theme but I was able to take a couple of key points. One, Norma doesn’t have freckles. She claims sandpaper works better than cow manure at removing them but if you want my advice I would opt to stay out of the sun. Two, don’t spit on the worms, because you might get germs. But then there is a contradiction. Right after her song she claims it attracts more fish. I’m confused. So, do you spit on the worms or not?

I really like the multiple themes in the Norma Lee Show. This one starts by providing us a quick guide to healthy dental hygiene. I can’t lie, when she began talking about baking soda I thought she said bacon soda. Is it wrong that I made that assumption? Well, after the lesson on how to brush and floss she sings us the song, “Honey, You Married Me,” thanks to the help of the producer. Is it me, or did that song make you a little sad? I hope that wasn’t about Mr. Lee.

Wait a minute. Didn’t we just get advice on how to maintain healthy teeth and gums from Norma Lee? And now we find out Norma doesn’t even have teeth? I feel like I was just sold shoes from an amputee. Whatever. I ain’t mad at ya’ Norma. The University of Kentucky would be lucky to have you. I dig your offensive skills but you might want to take a look at your face paint. The “K” is backwards.

I think this one may be my favorite. It’s not because of the pantyhose over Norma’s head or the attempt of humor, but we get a quick shot behind the scenes of the Norma Lee Show. At the end Norma takes off the hose and gives a gesture as if to say “Good enough?”. It makes you wonder who is the creative mastermind, Norma or whoever is behind the camera? I hope it is all Norma because this would be very creepy.

If you look closely you can see Harley the dog blink in morse code, “S-P-C-A”. Am I the only one that had to stand up and scream, “give him the dang nab cookie!”? I doubt it. That was a little embarrassing since I was at work, though.

I can’t express how happy the Norma Lee Show makes me. She is a free spirit in every sense of the expression and I hope that one day she can come back to Atlanta to play live. Reading some of the comments on YouTube it’s apparent there are some rude assholes in the world but never you mind them, Norma. Keep singing and know there are fans everywhere you turn. God Bless ya.

Make sure to send her some love on her website. I leave you with this.

Things I Know To Be True

  • I’m a 10CC, Seals and Crofts, and Gary Wright fan. Deal with it.
  • I love bad horror movies and I force them on my friends.  They hate me for that.
  • I’m cocky when it comes to cinema history, rock/metal history, military history, darts, beer drinking, flying and project management issues. Everything else, I am a little intimidated by.
  • Given the choice of style, I always go with the style of ’73.
  • I snore but if I roll over, I stop.
  • I’m a shoe freak, thanks to a certain someone.
  • The best live show I have ever seen was Foreigner. I know, I still can’t believe it. They rocked.
  • Drive”by the Cars is the greatest make out song of all time.
  • I’d rather eat hamburgers than anything else.
  • Every time I go to the beach I sing “Take On Me” by Ah HA.         No idea.
  • I hate eating in public.
  • I spent 6 years in the military and spend everyday in guilt for not being back active.
  • I like naps, but hate waking up sweaty with something stuck to my face.
  • Two tattoos. Used to have two pierced nipples. Don’t judge me.
  • I am closer to Dad than Mom. I feel bad but it is what it is.
  • The prettiest thing I have ever heard is Vicki’s singing voice.
  • I get freaked out when I stand next to skyscrapers. I tend to crouch.
  • I think Dick Ducommun is the coolest person in the world.
  • My metal roots were planted by Heart
  • My turn offs are ignorance, racism, and sexism. You’ll never recover from that with me.
  • I love golf but don’t like the people who play it. Story to come later.
  • Wine makes me randy, beer makes me drunk and liquor makes me “that guy”.
  • I have seen What About Bob three hundred times and it keeps getting funnier, every time I see it.
  • The bend of the arm and knee and that soft part of the neck gives me the willies.
  • I like wallpaper over paint.
  • I have been arrested.  It was dropped but I still have a mugshot. It was over a traffic ticket that I paid but was never, I don’t know, sent to the magic land of driver license ticket already paid file. I hate them all.
  • I met Kevin Costner. When we met he said “I won’t sign an autograph but I’ll let you shake my hand.” My college roommate said, “Bullshit…you can shake mine.” I always looked up to that dude.
  • I will get into “Sex In The City” kicking and screaming. It is inevitable but I am giving the good fight. Sarah J. Parker does look like a foot.
  • I want what I can’t have.
  • I have been awake for the sunrise hundreds of times. I want to see it someday.
  • Lacey is turning 27 this weekend.
  • I used to throw a perfect spiral. It’s gone.
  • Kids who go to bed hungry make me stay awake at night.
  • I fart on escalators on purpose.
  • I tend to confuse escalators and elevators.
  • I miss my grandmother on my Dad’s side and my Granddad on my mom’s.
  • I think spinach was found to be edible on accident.
  • I want to be a dad
  • I don’t like to be touched by people I don’t know.
  • I’m waiting for the mustache to come back.
  • I want my best friend to know I am sorry.

Decline Of My Civilization: Part 1

This is a shitty intro to this post. Here are some of my favorite songs from an era when I had pajamas with feet and slept with the hall light on.

There is something about true British names that I dig. XTC’s “Making Plans For Nigel” has been one of my all time favorites for years. Between the drums on phase effect and the over simplified guitar riffs it is hard not to hum this for everyone to enjoy. I do it a lot in the office. If I ever have kids I think the first born male will be Nigel. I’d raise him completely oblivious to his English name so when asked if he is from Great Britain he will roll his eyes and say, “no idiot, I’m from Georgia.”

God I love The Buzzcocks. I bought my first Buzzcock album in ’88 when forced to decide between that and Queen; Live At Wembly. It was a good choice because this song “Every body’s Happy Nowadays” was the theme of that summer. When most kids were rocking Beastie Boys and Winger I was forming my roots as a British Punk fan for life. I finally saw The Buzzcocks in’04 and I’ll be honest, Pete Shelly didn’t age as well as others. They still ruled though.

Gang Of Four can be tough for many to take. Personally I think they are brilliant and this song “He’d Send In The Army” was featured on the documentary Decline of Western Civilization: Part 1. I can best describe Gang Of Four as if someone swallowed a hand full of Alphabits, threw them back up and then tried to read what they spelled out. I attribute Radioheads success to what Gang Of Four started.

The Jam is the most underrated band in the United States. They were pretty big in the UK but for some reason they never really impacted the States like they should have. Paul Weller is my favorite front man and if you ever read his lyrics it is pure poetry. Bruce Foxton on base, well, listen and try to argue he isn’t the greatest post punk era bassist ever. His master of the base even makes up for his mullet.

Hang the DJ D! Just kidding pal. I am a Smith’s fan all the way but sometimes there can be too much Morrissey. I listen to “Panic” and it takes me back to 1996, sitting on the steps of the Cotton Club in Atlanta between shows smoking Camels and drawing pen art on my Doc Martins. Oh, I need to pick up smoking again.

The Godfathers really broke it down with the song “Birth School Work Death”. I think if I was ever to be in a band it would be like The Godfathers. They save money to produce amazing albums by only budgeting $100 for the videos. There is no need to be flashy when the band already kicks ass. Axel Rose missed that lesson. (Ok, you are going to have to look this one up on YouTube. Apparently the guy who posted this didn’t want to share. And I think he may be in the band. Get a life, man. I already bought your albums and now I’m kissing your coin purse. Take the compliment. Double negative.)

Midnight Oil are angry Aussie’s aren’t they? Actually it’s mostly the singer, Peter Garrett who, for the longest time as a child, I mistook for Michael Berryman. And please watch the full video to see Garrett’s dance moves. He dances just like my Great Uncle Mel, except Uncle Mel wasn’t dancing. He was having a seizure at a family reunion. It took the full song of the Electric Slide before we knew he wasn’t dancing at all. (That story is slightly exaggerated. I forgot what the song was.)

See? Very similar.

It’s true. I have had and have a huge thing for Kim Deal. I would love to be sung to sleep to “Gigantic” while I have my head petted. Somehow I think Kim would probably just lick her finger, stick it in my ear and spit in my eye. A guy can dream I suppose. The Pixies are never more than a CD case away on road trips. I even have a tattered Pixie t-shirt that has been banned by many a friend. I wear it proudly as I drink beer……alone. Sad Panda.

The Misfits are mostest bestest thing that ever happened to a skinny, bifocal-ed, themed sweater wearing nerd in middle school. To others I may have been little Billy but in my heart I was Glenn. “Astro Zomies” was on repeat in my head and one fateful day a few lines slipped out and was quickly recognized by the metal loving ostracized kid of the sixth grade. Soon we were like peas and carrots and out went the themed sweaters. Being a Misfit’s fan does have it’s advantages, right Kittymao?

Well, that is part one of my decline of civilization. I hope there are a few songs you like and maybe some you have never heard. It is true that many people believe I am a music snob. I don’t believe that. Unless you ask me about Shania Twain. Then I may get angry. You wouldn’t like me if I was angry…

Dog Poop and Homecoming

I don’t believe I have made a very good case for my luck here on VeggieMacabre. Really, I like writing down all the bad karma events in my life because in some way I feel that if I can share my misfortunes, than maybe someone can learn and lead a better life. Who am I kidding? I know people laugh and for that reason, it makes me feel a little better about the event. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you aren’t doing it right.

So today will be no exception. I wasn’t going to tell this one but after my teaser from the post about my hydrocephalic CareBear, I think it is time to let this one out of the vault. I’m going back to 1995 when life was simple. I just received my drivers license, Beavis and Butthead was the show to watch, Nirvana still topped the charts and I was focused on Homecoming. It’s no surprise that girls were a mystery to me at that stage but regardless I had a date and anxiety was high.

I went to a private high school far away from the town that I lived in and it forced my to have two social lives. I had my school chums and then I had my pals from the neighborhood. The school chums were great but I was never as close to them as I was with the neighborhood pals. We spent every weekend catching up on the times lost over the week. It usually involved MTV and this great quest to be the next Metallica. I know, I was in a shitty band, but who wasn’t back then? The real treasured memories I have of them is our complete lack of knowlege of the opposite sex. As the first in the group to go on an actual “date” they had me so spun up, the night was doomed before it even began.

I will admit, the days preceding Homecoming night was kind of a kick. My friends were absolutely certain I would be in the position to find out the workings of the female species so I needed to prepared. This involved concocting ridiculous assumptions on what girls liked to hear, buying cheap cologne and drawing straws to see who would purchase condoms from the gas station. We even went as far as putting my friend’s sister’s bra on the overweight Labrador to figure out the locking mechanism. The reason for that is no one would be a test subject and wear the bra for a realistic simulation. Regardless, the bra proved to be tougher than we thought. I think a person who is color blind has a better chance at solving a Rubix Cube than we would at unlocking that thing.

So the day came for me to go to the Homecoming dance. If it wasn’t for my buddies I probably would have treated it without much concern but I felt as if this was the turning point of my life and come Sunday morning, my view of the world as I knew it would be different. I had all my bases covered; tickets in pocket, reservations for the restaurant, money in wallet, flowers, cheap suit on, cheaper cologne on, and condoms in the….ok, condoms not in the car. I’ll get to that one in a minute.

Soon I arrived to pick up the date. She was from a rival private high school and I knew her from a mutual friend. Really, I had no business going out with her. She was smoking hot, popular and had every quality a 16 year old girl should not have. The summer before school we were at the pool and every college aged dude practically killed themselves just to talk to her. But for what ever reason she wanted to go to Homecoming with me, a skinny goof that had to borrow his dad’s tie to complete his used car salesman suit.

I parked the ’91 Explorer in the driveway, looked in the review mirror just to confirm I looked the same as I did 20 minutes ago, sprayed the final Binaca in the mouth and cut across her drive and some of the yard to the front door. As I rung the doorbell my pulsed race and I could her my heart beat in my ears. Then she opened door and man, she was stunning. I don’t know what goes into that transformation on prom and homecoming but somehow they start off as girls and then become princesses. I felt completely inadequate but a little smitten because I was taking her to Homecoming. Unless I completely screwed this up no one would be the wiser. So I walked into her house and I specifically remember my right foot feeling just a tad heavier.

I followed her around the den, through the living room and into the kitchen so I could meet the parents and put on the picture perfect corsage. This night was beginning to shape up perfectly until her sister came running down the stairs and around the corner screaming, “Ewww! Someone stepped in dog poop!” Instantly everyone’s eyes shot straight to the floor to see poop tracks starting at the front door, around the den, through the living room and into the kitchen, right to my foot.

They say at moments of sheer panic and distress you can have an out of body experience. I am fairly certain that happened to me because I saw the blood drain from my face. There isn’t much one can say when faced with such a dilemma. I looked at my date and she saw in my eyes that I was mortified so she immediately made an attempt to lessen the severity of the situation. Her mother followed suit with “honey this isn’t a problem” and “that happens to the best of us”. It didn’t matter what they said, I built this night up for a month and managed to destroy their carpet before we even met.

Her father opened the garage door and we chatted as I hosed off my shoe in the driveway. I could tell he didn’t have the words to console my broken spirit so he asked about our football team. I was a wide receiver so I used he opportunity to try and impress him. But that fell short because our team was 5 and 5 and her school was sitting on an undefeated season. I admired him for trying but it came back to the problem at hand when her mother stated that they needed to get to Home Depot to rent a steam-cleaner.

Before we left I apologized for the fifth time and made sure to not walk across the lawn. I saw her dog behind the fence racing back and forth and I just scowled. So with the shoe cleaned we headed off to dinner. The ride was a little quiet but soon we began to talk, leaving the thoughts of poop far behind.

The rest of the night was kind of a blur. I know I managed to not step in anything else and we left the dance a little early. Driving back we stopped at the river park and made out to “Emerson Lake And Palmer’s Greatest Hits” cassette, side A and B three times over. It was a perfect end to a disastrous beginning. I brought her home by the midnight curfew and walked her to the door with a final kiss. As I was backing down the driveway she wave from the window and I waved back simultaneously running over the curb. It was wonderful.

I drove home and pulled in the driveway elated by the first make out session and gathering thoughts of victory speeches for my buddies. Noticing the light was still on down stairs and I walked in to see my Mom sitting at the kitchen table. And then I saw the box of condoms that I had dropped in the driveway resting in front of her.

Died, I did.

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