Voices Kerry?

Every so often I find out that I have been wrong about a particular saying, name, word, ect. Today it was a song. I have been singing this in the car for years only to be corrected when I muttered the words under my breath. The girl in the office asked, “what are you singing?” Immediately I became self conscious as I slowly muttered what I sang. Of course hysterical laughter followed suit as I asked what the real lyrics were. I was way off.

The song was “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday. It has always been a great song in my mind but I have been consistently wrong about the lyrics and what the song was about. I haven’t even watched the video until today. Not only did I have it wrong years ago but I self corrected the lyrics and made it worse.

The line “Hush hush, keep it down, Voices carry” never sounded that way to me. I originally thought it was “Hello Josh. You came downtown. This is Kerry”. As if the boyfriend or who ever, came late to downtown to meet his girl who is introducing him to her friend Kerry. I even had a scene in my head about how the interaction would go. Well, that was wrong and the more I thought about it the sillier it seemed. So I changed it.

Now it was “Oh Josh, keep it down now, you’re so scary.” That was the line I shot out this morning. It seemed to be more conducive with the tone of the song but alas, this too was wrong. So I get to be taunted for the next week or too with ‘Voices Carry” and I’m too stubborn to sing it correctly. Josh is scary.


I feel it is my duty to do this. I am now going to ruin Celine Dion’s song from the movie Titanic, “My heart Will Go On.” When she sings “..I believe that the heart does goes on” replace it with “the hot dogs go on”. I swear, you’ll never listen to it the same way again.

Just Not The Same

Is it just me or does getting older really ruin all the little things in life. For example, a good friend corrected me when I used the term “conniption fit.” For the longest time I thought it was “connip-shit” and I have been using that for as long as I remember. It’s embarrassing to admit but that’s the truth. So it prompted a hard look at somethings that just aren’t the same anymore.

Ewoks suck. For the longest time I regarded Return Of The Jedi as the greatest Star Wars movie of them all. Now that I look back i just see it as one giant toy revenue stream, which was fine when I was 7 but now I feel a little bored with it. Much like finding out your are really a conservative when you give into corporate America, I require more in a movie than “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” and latex muppets. I consider myself an Empire Strikes Back fan now. Plus, thanks to a picture at Social Pariah, it just dawned on me that Wicket was really the downs syndrome Ewok that tends to wander through Endor. I imagine he lives in the lowest hut at the Ewok Village. He also looks like a smelly. “Yub-Yub”.

Hotels suck. The thrill is gone when it comes to travel. I think I realized this on a trip a few months ago when I was spoiled by a five star room and the next week I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. That drastic change turned me into a snob. Everything about the room annoyed me from the TV only having 20 channels to the air conditioning being too loud. I remember a time when I would drink at the lounge, meet new people, order room service, even go to the pool. Now, I work in bed, read a book and complain in the morning that my back is stiff. I even bring my own pillow case for fear of getting some face disease. What a shit I am.

I will never ride on this. When I was growing up we used to South Jersey for the summer and the days were all the same. During the day we would be at the shore and at night we would ride the rides. It must have been a thrill for my poor folks but I lived for it. Today when I see a fair, all I can think about is the amount of insurance that goes into portable roller coasters. Beside the fact that just looking at them makes my equilibrium off balance I am absolutely positive that I will not be killed on the “Scrambler”. I can see the local news story now. “Local man flung off the Scrambler in a bucket seat. Witnesses said he was making squealing sounds before he landed in the donkey ride. He did not survive.”

Buffets are ruined. I have a hard time eating at Chinese or even American buffets and I think it is because I just think about it too hard. My imagination takes the best of me and all I imagine is sneezey people, grubby kid fingers and flies. I am the jerk that orders off the menu when everyone one else is elbow deep in Lo Mein. However, I do miss eating Kung Pao chicken and corn dogs at the same time.

The excitement of the theater. I actually do miss going to the movies but I just cant find the time to spend two hours anywhere for recreation. The last film I saw was Cloverfield and it was reminiscent of the old movie experience but lately I don’t have the desire. I blame friends that i used to hang out with for that. They were the couple that dressed like the characters of the film. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why people dress up for the opening of a film. As you could imagine I was pretty embarrassed when the last Star Wars movie opened up.

I am sure there plenty of other items in life that I have grown to see differently. It’s hard to think of them right off the top of my head but be sure, I’ll let you know. That reminds me, up until today I have used the term “to no extent”. It is “to some extent” and “to no end”. It’s good that I figured that out at 30.

Top 10 Movie Scenes

Everyone has their all time favorite movie scenes and I am no different. The other day I was in a deep discussion with a not-so-deep person. The subject of favorite movies came up and I sat there while she listed 27 Dresses, Pretty Woman, Titanic, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, ect… Some of those movies were not a surprise to me but when I listed mine she gave me a look that seemed to say, “that’s sad that you are a geek”. When I recognized the look I asked her what are her favorite scenes from the movies. To that, she didn’t know. All she knew was that the films were pleasing as a whole and that is as deep as she got. So I gave her a look that said, “oh, that is sad she is retarded”.

Loved by many as well as hated by many, the movie Clifford really went down as one of my favorites because of one particular scene. Martin Short plays Clifford, a mischievous 10 year old that is on a quest to go to Dino-World and in doing so, upends his uncle’s (Charles Grodin) life as he knows it. The scene that put this movie on the top ten list is when his uncle (Grodin) asks Clifford to look like a normal person for one minute. Martin Short’s attempt is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I do this impression when ever I am asked to look at someone when they are talking. Please watch and enjoy. (Is it just me, or does Charles Grodin’s head look weird in that picture above?)

Twilight Zone The Movie caused me to lose my faith in cartoons. It was all because of the chapter about a boy with telekinetic powers who kept his family hostage and slave to his every want and need. That is until he lured a kind hearted woman to his home. The scene that propelled this movie to the 10 list is when his imagination took form in real, not CG, special effects that scared the shit out of me. Even today I get the willies when I see these things. This trumps any scary thing in my nightmares and the folks can thank a hike in their power bill from the hall light being left on thanks to the Twilight Zone.

The “Brownie Incident” in the movie The ‘Burbs will always be etched in my mind as being way too funny for the intended purpose. I have a hard time watching this in public because I wheeze when I see that scene. It can be embarrassing but more times than not, the laughter is contagious and it is cause to rewind and play over and over again. On another note, anything that I drop will always be followed by a “I dropped the goddamn (insert item here)!”

I love this movie. I always have and believe it or not I first saw it on a Catholic retreat weekend in the 80’s. I believe the first scene when Carolann has a conversation with the “TV people” was not only creepy but it was a subtle chill that I deem next to Godliness. Spielberg has a knack for that. He really is underrated, wouldn’t you agree? Plus, the Metro Goldwyn, Mayer lion will forever be the intro, in my mind, to the National Anthem.

Oh the classic! National Lampoon’s Vacation was the greatest film to me and my dad. I couldn’t find the exact clip but when Clark (Chevy Chase) returns from his trek through the desert, I must say, it went down in history as the quote of quotes. “Hey kids, ya’ thirsty?!?!?” Most people don;t find that scene as the pinnacle of the movie but boy I do. Here’s a compilation of one of my favorites and lately, one of TBS’s.

In case you are wondering this is the glorious soundtrack to the movie Iron Eagle. I can pick a few great scenes out but nothing compares to the testing range when Doug says, “Damn it Chappy, I’m doing it my way!” If you haven’t seen this flick you should. Only in the 80’s could there be a film about a kid who steals an Air Force jet from, I don’t know…California, fly to Iran in a few hours, bomb the bag of dicks back to the stone age, rescue the father, fly home and be rewarded by an appointment to the Air Force Academy.  Pure genius.

Definitely less fun than the other movies but still I had to include it. The Exorcist was one of those movies that I had seen from the safety of the banister rails when the folks thought I was safe in bed. Little did they know I was scarring myself for years. One of those scenes that did the job was Father Carras’s first dialog with the already possessed Reagan. I can’t tell you why, but I believe this is the scariest thing on American film.

I have a real tough time watching the beginning scene of Saving Private Ryan without shedding a tear. I can’t describe it and I don’t think there are words that could. Please watch.

I love this scene from the movie, There’s Something About Mary, because as many of you know, it’s personal. There are things that are far worse than stepping in dog poop and tracking it in the date’s house. It is hard to pick a scene that is the best from this movie. Every thing from warren’s flip out to the 7 minute abs scene I think this one was strictly by default. The only testicle shot to be seen in the theater that didn’t include bums and extra napkins.

Last but no least we come to the greatest cinema scene to me. This one is shared by many and I believe it to be some of the greatest acting in the world. If the shark wasn’t scary enough the audience gets chilled to the bone by Quint’s tales of how terrifying being eaten alive is. I have read the book and I believe Robert Shaw did it justice.

So that is the top 10. I bet next week it will change but for now, there you go.

Bonus! The worst scene!

Tim Cappello!

Showbiz Pizza And The Rock-Afire Explosion

I believe Showbiz Pizza for me as a child was much like an opium tent for Ralph Dunning. When I was there time flew by so fast because it was like a system overload. It was just too much for a 7 year old to digest when placed in an environment that had pizza, video games (they were new back then), a pool of plastic balls, skee-ball, and tickets to trade for things like this. There was, however, an animatronic band that I was less than enthused about. The Rock-Afire Explosion.

I can remember a specific birthday party and sitting at the table closest to the stage. While all the kids were busy drinking cups of suicide soda and shoving pizza in their face I was keeping a suspicious eye on the animatronic rock band. Perhaps I was too close to the stage because I heard less music and more of hydraulic hissings and the metallic hurks and jerks. The smell of the electronic heat from the cyborg-like apes and bears over powered the smell of pizza and sweaty kid. After the ten minute show was over and the curtain closed, curiosity over powered me and I crept to the stage to peer behind the curtain to make sure they weren’t taking a five minute smoke break. But what I saw was just eerie.

Behind the curtain the band stood silent with their eyes open, staring straight a head at the closed curtain. The dim lighting and the motionlessness of the characters gave me an uneasy feeling much like sleeping in a room with a three foot doll. In the background the sounds of screaming kids and the bells and whistles of the games were heard but I was fixed on the duality of life and death represented between what happens when the curtain opens and closes. Then it happened.

Before the curtain opens the band starts to move. While I was deep in thought about the eeriness of the lifeless band the hydraulics kicked in with the “pfffftts, screeeeee, weeeng” and they began to move. I can’t recall how it happened but before I knew it I found myself in the ball-pit with my shoes on. This terrified me to no extent and I didn’t even mind getting yelled at for wearing my Keds a “no shoe zone”. For the rest of the day I stayed close to the front, skipping the birthday cake and present opening. At the end I grabbed my parting gift bag and was all too happy to leave.

That night I had a terrible nightmare that Fatz Geronimo, the ape keyboardist, jumped over his keyboard and chased me around Showbiz.

Insanity Has A Face: 2

I don’t know if many of you have read my first post about the much beloved Norma Lee so here is a refresher. Many moons ago I was a working stiff that spent at least three hours a day in Atlanta traffic. To pass the time and keep my sanity there was a morning radio show called The Regular Guys on 96 Rock. Every so often they would hit a home run with musical guests but none quite as unique as Norma Lee. From the very first note she sang, she had my heart. It may sound as if I am making fun but really I do have a lot of respect for her ability to be who she is. I present to you again, Norma Lee.

Norma starts off playing us a tune written and produced by Barney. Who Barney is we are left to wonder but regardless, it’s catchy and yes, I did hum along. There isn’t a congruent theme but I was able to take a couple of key points. One, Norma doesn’t have freckles. She claims sandpaper works better than cow manure at removing them but if you want my advice I would opt to stay out of the sun. Two, don’t spit on the worms, because you might get germs. But then there is a contradiction. Right after her song she claims it attracts more fish. I’m confused. So, do you spit on the worms or not?

I really like the multiple themes in the Norma Lee Show. This one starts by providing us a quick guide to healthy dental hygiene. I can’t lie, when she began talking about baking soda I thought she said bacon soda. Is it wrong that I made that assumption? Well, after the lesson on how to brush and floss she sings us the song, “Honey, You Married Me,” thanks to the help of the producer. Is it me, or did that song make you a little sad? I hope that wasn’t about Mr. Lee.

Wait a minute. Didn’t we just get advice on how to maintain healthy teeth and gums from Norma Lee? And now we find out Norma doesn’t even have teeth? I feel like I was just sold shoes from an amputee. Whatever. I ain’t mad at ya’ Norma. The University of Kentucky would be lucky to have you. I dig your offensive skills but you might want to take a look at your face paint. The “K” is backwards.

I think this one may be my favorite. It’s not because of the pantyhose over Norma’s head or the attempt of humor, but we get a quick shot behind the scenes of the Norma Lee Show. At the end Norma takes off the hose and gives a gesture as if to say “Good enough?”. It makes you wonder who is the creative mastermind, Norma or whoever is behind the camera? I hope it is all Norma because this would be very creepy.

If you look closely you can see Harley the dog blink in morse code, “S-P-C-A”. Am I the only one that had to stand up and scream, “give him the dang nab cookie!”? I doubt it. That was a little embarrassing since I was at work, though.

I can’t express how happy the Norma Lee Show makes me. She is a free spirit in every sense of the expression and I hope that one day she can come back to Atlanta to play live. Reading some of the comments on YouTube it’s apparent there are some rude assholes in the world but never you mind them, Norma. Keep singing and know there are fans everywhere you turn. God Bless ya.

Make sure to send her some love on her website. I leave you with this.

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