Well, It Could Be Worse

I am starting to dread Wednesday meetings and it’s not because they are drab or boring. They are but there is a dedicated hour that I have to show my account predictions and compare them to last week’s using only Microsoft Project. That means there are no fancy hand gestures or Wookie defense talk that can save me from the blank expressions after I clearly tell them in numbers whether I had a good week or a bad one. So today I sat there, wrestling with the projector, thinking that there are far worse places to be. Believe it or not, the meeting went over well, even though I showed the room I am a retard with a rubix cube when it comes to a certain account. It’s all about perspective, my friends. Let’s take a look at some examples.

One could always be in here. I try to make it a goal to only be in a port o potty in emergency senerios but when I am, this is never too far from my mind.

Great Whites are by far my favorite animal in the animal kingdom. It’s ironic, but they are the last thing I want to see at the beach. I think the comedian Kevin James summed it up best when he said, “I have the same reaction in the ocean when something touches me foot, whether it’s seaweed or a great white shark.”

I don’t know what would be worse here, wearing a Speedo in public, having a Euro-mullet or getting a face full of ass.

I took a course in Crew Resource Management for pilots and a good portion of it was listening to the black box recordings of the final moments before a crash. I guess it was to analyze the decision making and crew management but I walked away very disturbed. All I thought about were the passengers and how out of touch they were of the dire situation that was unfolding in the cockpit. It’s kind of like my love/hate of the great white. I love flying but I’m nervous as a passenger.

Shot by a monkey. It could happen! They have thumbs you know. I’m just kidding. I do think getting attacked by a primate would really ruin your day. I watched a program on Animal Planet and they had a guy with half a face testify to how bad it sucks to be attacked by a monkey. He also lost his testicles. That solidified it. I can never trust a monkey again.

I’m glad this little guy learned not to chew on pens at an early age. I had to learn it in college during Public Speaking 101.

I have no idea how people get themselves in positions like this but it’s a given that I would rather be in a meeting than having this X-Ray taken.

So you see? It’s all about perspective in life and that alone will power me through a two hour meeting. Tonight I will go to an equally dull dinner so I am thinking I would much rather do that than cut off my lower lip with a rusty pair of scissors. Wow, now I can’t wait to go!

Practical Joke Day!

I think I need to be a little more productive at work. It’s not that I am bored or lazy, it’s just that the days seem to drag on a bit longer than I remember. So today I couldn’t help myself and regressed to a 16 year teenager. I pulled a practical joke on a co-worker and I must say, I am pretty proud of myself. It wasn’t a Jim Halpurt “calculator in Jello” maneuver but it was on the same level.

To defend myself the person on the receiving end deserved it. He’s a good guy but one, he plays competitive handball. That’s disturbing. And two, he asked me if I ever have a serious side. Well pal, here is your answer.

Here is how it went down:

  • Conducted inner office reconnaissance from 8-10am
  • Observed that the subject left his cubicle to the printer station at least 5 times in an hour.
  • When he was at the printer station I pulled up a YouTube clip and paused it
  • Turned his processor backwards toward the wall and turned his speakers all the way up.
  • Before unplugging the mouse I pressed play and turned off his monitor.
  • Crawled on my hands and knees all the way to my office without anyone noticing
  • Watched all the gofers pop their heads from the top of the cubicles
  • Saw said person come unglued
  • Then went back to work worried that I took it too far.

Here is the video. Imagine it’s in a quiet office and this is way loud.

I shouldn’t be in corporate America.

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