9 Things I Don’t Regret Buying

Before I begin this post about frivolous spending to decorate an office that should be renamed “Josh Baskins’ apartment”, I need to say something about the passing of Robin Williams.

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He died today. I never knew him but the effect he had on me was nothing short of the impact of losing a family member and maybe we can all blame that on this TV generation. I loved him as a small kid on the show Mork and Mindy, cheered in the theater with Hook, confused by Mrs. Doubtfire, cried for his character in Good Will Hunting and forever changed by Dead Poet Society. He is gone but like all great people, his legacy is forever. It’s not like me to be emotional but you, Robin, were a giant and your fall has crushed me.

So! With drier eyes I will now get on with the show. I have been so very busy between work and this crazy upcoming season that I have been finding smaller enjoyment by drinking a couple of glasses of wine at night and let my fingers do the shopping via iPad. You know what that leads to? That’s right, a surprise package a couple of weeks later and possible re-gifts later in the year.

This is what I have acquired thanks to eBay, online links and the random local antique shops who have no idea what gold is hiding in their inventory. Well, not gold they may consider but gold to me.


WUUUUT? You mean to tell me that President Nixon had Charles Shultz in his political pocket? No way. No way, no how. But I have to hand it to the campaign! They knew how to get to the Halloween and Pagan voters, although in the 1960/70’s, being a macabre lover was a bold underground reach. If I had this hung on my doorknob it would be difficult if not impossible to vote another way.

I saw this on eBay and bought it for a friend. I honestly can not believe I won this for only $10 which leads me to question its authenticity. Made of cardboard paper and in amazing shape, I will say this was an actual campaign door-hanger but can not be an original. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love it any less. I never buy things for monitory worth. It’s VeggieMacabre worth and this is worth 17,900,453 Plinkyplanks which is my currency. Equivalent to three pounds of wild cherry Starbursts. So, a lot!


Say it ones, say it twice, third times the charm…

Holy shit, it is the cleverly placed ad that fell out of the Guidebook For the Recently Diseased. Er…Deceased!

I loved this the second I laid eyes on it and I knew it had to be mine. Tim Burton has a way with making the supernatural feel completely normal and this extermination ad has been planted in my brain since 1988. It’s even perfectly torn to hide the treacherous third “Beetlegeuse” so not to accidentally resurrect the deceased graduate of Julliard who has seen The Exorcist way too many times.

The role reversal in this ad is fantastic, even making the fleeing family obese. I have tried pausing the scene in the movie and while I don’t think it’s 100% a match, the fact it’s prepackaged with the same fold lines makes it pretty great. If I find another, I will place this in a gospel next time I go to church. So…stay tuned this Christmas.


Shitassdickticklefuck!- “If I fake Tourette’s I know I don’t have it.” – Bob Whiley

Can you believe Jack Palance was Dracula?!?! This happened. Not only did that happen but the “Queen of Macabre” and “Mistress of the Dark”, Elvira hosted this ThrillerVideo copy on VHS and I feel like smacking my thumbs with a hammer for not having a VCR. Holy shit! I love Jack Palace and he shit bigger than Billy Crystal which we all know, but at the end of the day, it’s all about Elvira. ALL ABOUT ELVIRA.

I paid $1.00. The curse of Dracula ain’t so bad.


Back in my day we like the fast food advertisements. We even wore them to work! Well, maybe some people did who worked there. I lucked out and found this in a pile of ties in the town of Pittsboro, NC. They gave it to me for free. How many McMuffins do you think I will score, mang?


Another conundrum by having the means without the way. I have a classic collection of Simpson episodes placed in amazing packaging and no way to view them. The same place I score the tie and the Jack Palance Dracula video but this time I paid the price of $7.00. Pretty awesome considering the going rate on eBay is $29.

I love the Simpson macabre episodes and this collection is not just the Halloween episodes but the darker ones which makes my cold blood a degree higher. Plus, it’s strange to see the biology of The Simpsons. Their skeletal structure includes their hairline. BEEEESH!


What the fuck was Max Headroom? Seriously. It seemed like a glitchy advertisement which 80’s companies could not harness well until Back To The Future 2 came out and even then relied on the the dickhole from Iran and Michael Jackson instead of Max. “BBBBBeans”.

The only reason I bought this was because of a family get-together in New Jersey with the whole family during Christmas sometime around when the Max Headroom show was popular. My drunk step uncle was telling a joke about how to blame the dog for farts and made my great-aunt laugh so hard she leaned down and started a forward momentum which resulted in a run/fall/hip injury. I was a little kid and before being rushed from the room had to hear, “Rose needs another pair of panties. Go upstairs and get some panties!

This will be passed alone to one of you luck readers.


I own half of a set of Pac-Man glasses. Paid waaaay too much for these. But milk looks better with a black fore-drop.


The toy among toys, the ships among ships, the movie among movies; the Millennium Falcon. Good Christ I wanted this toy so bad but sadly had to get pieces of it at a garage sale in the early 1990’s for .50.  At that time I really didn’t care about the fun of starship toys but rather the defeated marathon race runner who crossed the finished line with the final words, “see…told you I would own it.” Then died.

Today as an adult, I found a place which sells a couple of Millennium Falcons and I bought not only this one but the another just to throw it out of my sunroof. Apparently it IS impossible to make the jump to light speed without R2-D2’s help.

Bought it for a cool $20. Thanks to my buddy at a store already blogged about.

(hint hint read more on this blog)

Okay, we come to the last item. This was not a drunken eBay item or a flea market find. This has been a dream since I was five years old. See, I grew up in Marietta, Georgia in the early 80’s and lived only a half-mile from Showbiz Pizza Palace. My dream was to have a tunnel from my room to the their main game room in that restaurant. Honestly, it was actually proposed to my parents many times before I finally moved out to go to college.


Today, I have all these games in an arcade platform and no quarters are needed. I’ve played seven of the sixty.

I guess old and silly fantasies feel good to finally capture though the chase is sometimes more rewarding than the catch. I love this arcade game, don’t get me wrong, but deep down I still want a tunnel to Showbiz after all.

Thanks for not completely judging me for these silly buys. I thought you might like a few and actually, if you read along you might be the new owner of  most of these finds. FOR FREE! Keep posted because it is coming!

Who is excited for September? Me Me Me!

Emeril’s Tie

Over the course of my life I have had a few interactions with certain celebrities and for the most part they have been fairly good experiences. I always walk away feeling a little surprised that these said celebrities were normal people like me. I can’t understand why I would think that every celebrity burns stacks of money in their furnace or hire poor immigrants to be human footstools but unless they prove me wrong, that’s the assumption I make. Anyway, today’s story is about an odd encounter I had with Emeril Lagasse.

A few years ago I worked at the Alliance Center (pictured above) as a corporate project manager and I must say, I hated it. I am not what you call “corporate material” by any stretch of the imagination. Everyday consisted of going to the same meetings with the same people raising the same concerns and answering the same questions with the same answers. You know you have a bad job when you take breaks through out the day just to ride the elevator. The one good part about the job was I had some perks at the restaurant on the lobby floor because their account was under my project portfolio. The restaurant was ‘Emerils’ inspired by none other than the famous Emeril Lagasse himself.

Since I had a few perks at the restaurant, one including a big discount on a bar tab, I became pretty good friends with most of the staff there. I am a firm believer that people in the food service industry are the greatest American we have. No where else can you find harder workers who have to take shit on a daily basis from the cock suckers of the world. If you are ever at a restaurant and you are snotty to a server for no reason I swear I will stab you in the leg with a soup spoon. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, well over the course of discussion one night the bartender told me they were working double time in preparation for the emperor himself to arrive, Emeril Lagasse. They hated him. Apparently he was a real ass to all the chefs and servers but he is the man so they sucked it up. And since hurricane Katrina shut down his main place in New Orleans he would be staying in the ATL for quite some time.

Weeks past and my job really took a turn towards the busy side so my beer days took a hit and the chance to meet Emeril left my brain. That is until I past him in the parking garage. He really is a lot shorter than I thought. I mean he’s not short like qualifying for a handicap sticker but short enough to play keep away with his hat indefinitely. Regardless of his height, he was the most famous chef in the world and the dude did drive a really nice Mercedes. I couldn’t help but notice that this was one of those cars that had to be the same price as a nice house. I also noticed there was a tie was sticking out of the passenger side door. That’s when my stupidity took over, as usual.

“How cool would it be to have a tie that belonged to Emeril Lagasse?” Actually in hindsight, that’s pretty dumb. Who would believe or care whether I had a tie that belonged to Emeril? It’s not like I could invite dinner guests over and bring them into my closet to look at Emeril’s tie in a glass case. I’m not even a big fan. But that wasn’t going through my head at the time. The only thing that was, was this, “tie..tie…tie..tie..”

So I watched Emeril and the lady in the business suit walk across the drive towards the building and then I started to work on the tie. I pulled with all my might but it wasn’t happening. I guess that is why you pay $100,000 for a car because that door was vacuum sealed and wasn’t giving an inch on that tie. I should have remembered that when I slammed my own tie in the door a few weeks ago. My memory isn’t what it used to be.

Well, the tug of war was turning out to be a stalemate so I did the dumbest thing one could do in that position. I tried the door handle of the Benz. Wouldn’t you know it? The fucking alarm went off. I went out of body the second that “BLEE BLEE BLEE” alarm sound rang out in the echoing garage because I have a vivid memory of me standing there, hand on tie and other hand on door handle. Emeril and the lady he was with stopped in their tracks and looked back to see me there, evidence in hand, wide-eyed, looking directly back at them. They slowly started to walk back towards the said vehicle with me, trapped like a raccoon in a garbage can, obviously guilty of something.

I tried shouting over the alarm at them, “BLEE BLEE BLEE …YOU SHUT…BLEE BLEE..YOUR TIE IN…BLEE BLEE… THE..BLEE BLEE …CAR

Emeril, with a look of both confusion and annoyance, tilted his head to hear what I was saying as he fiddled in his pockets to find the keys and stop the alarm. Finally he hit the alarm button on the key chain and asked, “what’s going on now?”.

God I wanted to run but I assumed that would have just led to a possible termination, police chase and a spot on “World’s dumbest Criminals IV”. So I collected myself and in a shaky voice and a red face I said, “You shut your tie in the door and I tried to get it out for you but I set off the alarm. Sorry about that.”

Emeril looked at the tie sticking out of his door like the tongue of a dead dog and said, “Oh…”. Then came the long awkward silence. I picked up my briefcase and went to gracefully exit. But before i could take a step he looked at me, smiled and said, “thanks”.

I didn’t know how to take that. Was he being funny? Was his agent calling the cops as we exchanged awkward glances? Will I be a story on his show as he kills dead time between sauteing the sauce and adding the “BAM” to whatever he is cooking? Am I about to receive a punch in the nose from his disproportionately sized grabbers? Nope. He extended his hand and introduced himself as Emeril Lagasse and asked my name.

After our introduction he invited me to dinner that night on the house. Wow, and here I was trying to steal his tie. What a shitbag I am. I gracefully declined, saying I was honored but I had to drive to Augusta to see the girl I was dating at the time and that was at least 4 hours with Friday night traffic. He said the invitation was open anytime and we went our separate ways.

I got in my car, hands a shakin’. That could have been bad on so many levels but it taught me a valuable lesson; If you are going to steal a celebrity’s tie from their car, wait until they have left the area.

Be sure to check out Pammy’s story over at MacabreFitness!

Ties And Flies

A couple of weeks ago I found myself in a hurry to make it to a very important meeting. Why was I in a hurry, you ask? It was because I had stopped off at my home for lunch and had to finish an episode of Home Improvement. I mean, they thought Randy might have leukemia and I had to watch the whole thing to see if he would be alright. You don’t expect me to concentrate at sales meeting when Randy’s health was in question, do you? Well, it turns out he was okay, it was just a gland thing. (whew) But that extra five minutes of suspenseful pacing left me little time to make it to the meeting on time. So I raced out the door, hopped in my car and tore off down the road to the corporate suck tank, call I work.

When I am in a rush it is inevitable that every light on the way will turn yellow at the exact point I am too far away to make it before it turns red. It’s a tease from God, I swear it. So, I will slam on my brakes and cause everything from the backseat to transfer to the front and the pissface behind me will mouth the words, “mother dicklick ass shit!”. I of course will make the situation much worse and wave out the window as if to say, “I know…I suck”.

So I rip into the parking lot at top speed, jump out of the car, grab my briefcase, slam the car door and “HERK!”. I slammed my tie in the car door. Now normal people will open the door, sheepishly straighten it and walk away. Not me! I pulled and yanked and pulled and yanked and finally….it came loose. Only it looked like this.

I shredded the shit out of a $70 tie all because I am a half an I.Q. point higher than retard. I walked a little defeated to my meeting just staring at the end of my tie. I had to decide what would be worse; being late or looking dumb. I choose to be late. I ran up to my office and taped the shreds to the back of the tie and believe it or not, it looked half way fixed. I made my way to the conference room and I could here muffled chatter behind the door. I opened it up and walked confidently to an empty seat, feeling twenty pairs of eyes on me. I sat down and the meeting went ahead as if I had been there the whole time. Then I notice the tie on my lap right next to my shirt tail. Shirt tail?

My shirt tale was coming out of my fly that was left unzipped. True mother fuckin’ story.

I went home that night and stopped at a gas station. I bought a Samurai sword. It’s the little things that I have to hold onto after a day like that.

On a happier note, the first article of Macabre Fitness is up. It’s a shoe review! Oooooooooo!


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