Friends From A Distance


So, I stopped over at a friend’s house after work to grab a few beers with him. I am not great friends with him and his wife but I have had a few delightful conversations over the course of the past few months and I finally took them up on a long standing invitation. And that is when I learned that some friendships should stay at the place they were formed. At the bar.

Don’t get me wrong, these people are really sweet but I guess there are just people in life that are meant to be friends from a distance. You think I’m a dick, don’t you? Well, just hear me out and then you can be the judge. I am sure there are a number of people in the world that wouldn’t want to come over to my house too. I’m not perfect. Okay, let us begin.

Right when I got there I knew this night was shaping up to be interesting. I wasn’t in the driveway yet and my gut was telling me to just go home. I guess it was from their yard with grass 4 feet high. But like usual I ignore my instinct and went with my retardo-sense. That always proves to be deadly. So I pulled in, barely missing 6 bigwheels, a bike, a pork roasting barbecue barrel thing and what looked to be a chewed up Lazy-Boy recliner. I got out of the car, walked up to their door, rang the doorbell and out jumped my buddy’s wife who gave me a really long and uncomfortable hug. It was clear that they had a six hour drinking head start on me.

I walked into their house and was met by a half a dozen other people, all very drunk. Now that doesn’t bother me but when you are dead sober and the people at the house are the type that will arm wrestle you for your girlfriend, it is strange. On top of that all the guys there played high school football together and now in their 40’s, they still act like they just walked off the homecoming field. I treated that night as a twisted sociology project, trying to use really big words out of context, just to see if someone will correct me.

Well, I began to drink very fast. So fast that I was drawing the attention of the said football team and before I new it we were shotgunning PBR’s. I really thought those days were behind me but it seems that they are not. So, about four beers later I had to pee like no other. I walked into there bathroom and right above the toilet was this.

What the fuck is that? Who buys art like this? I was completely transfixed and could not pee for the life of me. I am in no way a snob art connoisseur because, let’s face it, I collect horror movie posters as art pieces, but come on. Upon closer inspection I also found this.

Why is that frog blowing chunks? There is no theory to explain this. I have never seen a picture that caused me to have a bladder block before. There were four 16oz PBR’s begging to be set free and the pissing boy/frog yarf painting sucked out my will to relieve myself. Then my friend’s wife knocked on the door to make sure I was ok.

What the hell is with that anyway? Are there people who disappear in bathrooms around the country and I am the last to know? Why do people feel the need to knock on the bathroom door to check the status of whoever is in there? Next time I will ask them to come in and give me a back rub. That should keep them from asking anymore questions.

Well, I finally gained composure and finished what I started. I walked out and found my buddy, drunkenly gazing at his neighbor’s boobs and telling her about the new schooling zones that Alpharetta is starting. I walked up to him and inquired where they got that painting. It went like this.

Me- Fred, I have to know…where did you get that painting in the bathroom?

Fred- You like it? (hick-up)

Me- Ho..uh…where would one find something like that?

Fred- HEY NANCY! WILL LIKES YOUR PICTURE IN THE CAN!

Nancy- Oh you do! Our niece painted that for us! Isn’t it cute?

Me- Well, it kept me from peein’.

Nancy- That’s so nice! I’ll tell her that when she comes over again.

I so wanted to tell them fire wouldn’t even touch that but I didn’t have the heart. No, I am caddy but I am not a dick.

So, I drank my limit and went home. It wasn’t a bad night by any means but I prefer them in a neutral setting, without seeing them set up plans to swap partners, being obvious about having coke upstairs or being being asked who I am voting for when I am sure it is the opposite of everyone there and could ignite a fight. No, I like those two at the bar where I can enjoy the company free of vomit frogs. They are good people.

32 thoughts on “Friends From A Distance

  1. oh wow Will, that is one crazy night. I can’t believe they have a frog vomiting in their bathroom!

    P.S. I wouldn’t advice the request for a backrub because something tells me the wife would have been all too eager 😉

  2. I think you are right about that. I was getting really weird vibes all night that those two are pretty liberal with the marriage thing. yikes.

  3. This is such a great blog. WTF is going on with the frog?? I have no idea why he’s throwing up like that? Hilarious though. Even greater is that you carry your camera around with you.

  4. I had an odd experience once too. I went to what was a friend, of a friend, of a friend’s place…you still following? ok. When we got to the hosue there was about 5 old undriveable cars in the driveway. Once inside we came across Dory…the creepy redneck drunk uncle who was standing there holding a Gatorade bottle filled with beer! Because we all know gatorade makes a beer colored flavor. He hung around staring at evryone’s boobs and if we left even a drop of beer in any bottle he made sure to drink it before the bottle got thrown away. He also kept asking when we were going to put our bathing suits on…it was Nov. and they had no pool. Needless to say I never went back there again.

  5. Why oh why do I read you at work? I was laughing so hard I shook my desk!

    Do you worry that this initial visit will set the stage for more inviations, like to Thanksgiving? If that tacky “painting” prevented you from peeing, I’m pretty sure the wife massaging your back following the great American meal might (just might) turn YOU into a barfing frog? I hope you remembered to wash your hands.

  6. Sounds like you had a very comfortable evening.

    On the topic of the painting, here in Newfoundland there’s a lot of great art like that, I once saw a painting of Jesus fishing, but it made me wonder, why would he have to fish?
    I understand he might like it as a hobby and everything, but he wasn’t using a pole, he was on a commercial fishing boat.
    Fun.

  7. Oh maaaan.
    That’s just amazingly terrible.

    I am living vicaciously through you, and reminding myself to never do that “again”.

  8. I’ve always imagined that this would be the scenario that would play out if I ever visted the house of one of my frat brothers that I’m not that familiar with.

  9. Abarclay-Thank you! I have been a stalker on your blog. Hil-arious! Actually that’s my trust camera phone. It has some odd glow to it. It takes pictures like Glamor Shots.

    DC- Oh my goodness. I stay away from anyone who drinks beer from containers meant for soda or juice. Beer usually comes in it’s own container, right? Creepy old dudes are the worst. I pray I age well.

    Girly- I thought I heard someone tell me I had a pretty mouth. I’m serious.

    Pammy- Some of your stories made me hurt something as I was trying to muffle laughter. If I go there for Thanksgiving you have my permission to shot my eye out.

    Josh- I thought Jesus was a carpenter. Well, I guess he does have that “walk on water” superpower.

    Kelli- *again* is right. I wouldn’t be surprised if I catch momentary weakness and go there again. This time I will come for the picture.

    Invader Norbert- I went to frat brothers house one time and it wasn’t very far off from what happened here.

    Furrycocoa- I was a bit tramatized by the grinding hug I got from said buddy’s wife. *chills*

    KB- You and I are a lot alike. Then again, you started my blogging addiction so I guess that makes sense.

  10. I just read you saying that your camera phone takes pictures like Glamour Shots and I spit red pepper up on my laptop screen!! 🙂 (ya I eat sweet red pepper, what are ya gonna do about it?)

    And DUDE the close up shot of the yakking frog killed me! 🙂 Hahaha…maybe he had just eaten a fly who had just eaten some sushi that had gone bad or something…that is my only theory on that one.

  11. It sounds like you’ve been initiated into the inner circles of white trashdom. Congratulations! Now, if you ever need to have something hauled to the dump, you will definitely know who to call, cuz I guarantee they all own several pick up trucks. Sure, some of them will be on blocks in the front yard, but not all.
    Vomiting frogs eh? I….can’t think of anything funny to say about that.

  12. Oh God, that was hilarious. Though I personally would have made up some excuse to get the fuck out of there. I’m not a drinker and drunk people kinda creep me out, haha.

  13. I think the frog is “blowing chunks” because he was swimming in that water before the boy started pissing in it. Either that or he was the first thing painted on there and had to watch the rest of it, dare I say, come to life.

  14. DC Hilarious! I am so sorry that happened to you though! When are you going to put on your bathing suit? Hehehehe 🙂

    So that is the kind of artwork I should make for some extra cash huh ok 🙂

    The beginning of your story reminded me of about 3 or 4 years ago I babysat 5 kids. The mother never paid me (she said the next time she got paid was the next Friday I think and if I could babysit beforehand) but I have the story that is just as valuable as I think it was 25 dollars and I spent the night which I was sleeping in my car at the time so that was actually a bonus to sleep on a couch inside even in this place rather then our 92 buick. They lived in a double wide trailer and I don’t remember the outside being bad but the inside was something else.

    Now I have lived in a double wide trailer before I am not dissing the trailer exactly just what was in it. They had toys and random kids books and things scattered all over. And not just general clutter but you could tell it was like that all the time and the adults didn’t clean up that often. I saw leap frog toys, barbies, dora the explorer, barney you name it. The adults had a wood panel black and white tv with no remote and knobs on the front. One of the guys that lived there (one guy that was like a cousin or something that just moved in another guy was someone’s boyfriend, two women that were sisters) had a recliner with a side table to himself with his yearbook sitting there like he goes through it alot. These people were in their mid 30’s. And he had his high school yearbook there on the table. I thought that was odd and yes I did read it and look through it lol. On the right near the front door they had a little colored tv with a regular NES with about 5 games with it.

    She apologized for the laundry, they had a couple three loads of laundry that needed to be folded on the couch that they moved so I could sleep on the couch. The kitchen had tons of dirty dishes.

    Their pantry was filled with kids type food like froot loops and mac n cheese. Apparently they had mac n cheese for dinner. The living room area had sheets that were put up like walls and two of the younger toddlers slept there with a hammock they shared. No shit. With toys all around there. The kids bedroom had a regular bed and I think three of them slept in the same bed they were no older then about 6 so I guess that’s ok. They had a ton of dvds and tapes with a durabrand (which for people that don’t know that is the Walmart brand for electronic types of products) dvd player, flat panel tv, and vcr with the vcr and dvd player set on top of each other and the kids knew how to use them no problem. They had the spongebob movie and at the time it came out a week or two before that. I watched the end of Spongebob when I first got there then watched the first half hour or so of Shrek 2 and then they all passed out asleep. I carefully put the youngest girl into bed (into hammock?) with the other one that was asleep the whole time I was there.

    Harry is still pissed because they didn’t pay me and she should of but I am not that upset the kids were just too cute. The mother said that they try to butter you up so they can get into trouble lol. The youngest girl said Jodi? Can I sit on your lap? So throughout Shrek she sat on my lap. The other kids acted like they were jealous but just like I am jealous just kidding. They all vowed they wanted me back someday. I never went back though. One of the older girls said do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I said no thank you I just ate. And she said ok but if you want one just let me know I know where the stuff is to make it. She was so serious when she said that I will never forget it. It was like her job in the household. But anyway that was one of the most white trash places I have ever been in. BTW the black and white tv only had one channel, fox. So I watched about an hour of poker and then finally I watched Madtv for about 20 minutes then they staggered home.

  15. Oh. my. gosh!! This just reinforces my standard rule of saying no and rarely committing to something. I love that you took a pic of the barfing frog and love even more that it was painted by their niece…and they actually hung it up. Yep, pretty much an awesome post.

  16. Um, sweetheart. About your impending visit. . .you may recall my grass was four feet high until I mowed it for the first time in a year, along with several pieces of garbage and assorted shrubbery. Also, above our “boys’ toilet,” there is a photo of a naked girl hovering over a litterbox with a very put-out-looking cat sitting next to it. It is a very artsy picture though. I just wanted to warn you. In case you wanted a hotel instead.

  17. and plus, I am pretty sure you guys won’t try and eat me. I wasn’t entirely sure at Fred and Nancy’s. The BBQ barrel had a tennis shoe in it. I’m not making that up.

  18. Why do you think we invited you over for dinner? You ARE dinner, silly. Bring some, like, carrots and potatoes and shit. We don’t have any of that.

    God, really? A shoe in the BBQ barrel? WTF? Don’t ever go there again. I will cry.

  19. The detail of the shoe in the BBQ turned this from “a bad idea you were sticking to in order to be polite” to “Jesus Christ why has your brain not told you this isn’t the time for courteousy? You’re a deer in the headlights, get out!” story.

  20. Two more things to add:

    My Grandma bought a sign once that she put in the bathroom but then she took down just because she didn’t think guests would appreciate the humor (she was normal and considerate) that said “we aim to please so you aim too please” we loved it as kids.

    Also, ever since last night reading this blog I have had the song from a distance by bette midler stuck in my head so you better sleep with one eye open from now on buddy.

  21. When I was a kid a dude I hung out with had a sign on the gate to his pool that read “we don’t swim in your toilet don’t pee in our pool”
    I guess what Im trying to say is we all have problems.

    Bette Midler?!

  22. That picture is almost as bad as those late 70s/early 80s wooden plaques “Be a sweetie and put down the seatie” that hung in all my white trash neighbors johns. Too funny! Found you via Romi’s link!

  23. Please do not ever turn down invitations like that in the future because you would be depriving your readers of most excellent reading….and art gazing. That.is.hideous. Truly, extraordinarily hideous. My BFF growing up had a sign over her toilet that read:
    If you tinkle when you sprinkle,
    Please be sweet and wipe the seat.

    That sign always bothered me. Couldn’t a little family meeting take care of the problem?

  24. Pingback: Easily Amused « Green Apples & Kool Aid

Speak to me, Egor.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s