Friends From A Distance

So, I stopped over at a friend’s house after work to grab a few beers with him. I am not great friends with him and his wife but I have had a few delightful conversations over the course of the past few months and I finally took them up on a long standing invitation. And that is when I learned that some friendships should stay at the place they were formed. At the bar.

Don’t get me wrong, these people are really sweet but I guess there are just people in life that are meant to be friends from a distance. You think I’m a dick, don’t you? Well, just hear me out and then you can be the judge. I am sure there are a number of people in the world that wouldn’t want to come over to my house too. I’m not perfect. Okay, let us begin.

Right when I got there I knew this night was shaping up to be interesting. I wasn’t in the driveway yet and my gut was telling me to just go home. I guess it was from their yard with grass 4 feet high. But like usual I ignore my instinct and went with my retardo-sense. That always proves to be deadly. So I pulled in, barely missing 6 bigwheels, a bike, a pork roasting barbecue barrel thing and what looked to be a chewed up Lazy-Boy recliner. I got out of the car, walked up to their door, rang the doorbell and out jumped my buddy’s wife who gave me a really long and uncomfortable hug. It was clear that they had a six hour drinking head start on me.

I walked into their house and was met by a half a dozen other people, all very drunk. Now that doesn’t bother me but when you are dead sober and the people at the house are the type that will arm wrestle you for your girlfriend, it is strange. On top of that all the guys there played high school football together and now in their 40’s, they still act like they just walked off the homecoming field. I treated that night as a twisted sociology project, trying to use really big words out of context, just to see if someone will correct me.

Well, I began to drink very fast. So fast that I was drawing the attention of the said football team and before I new it we were shotgunning PBR’s. I really thought those days were behind me but it seems that they are not. So, about four beers later I had to pee like no other. I walked into there bathroom and right above the toilet was this.

What the fuck is that? Who buys art like this? I was completely transfixed and could not pee for the life of me. I am in no way a snob art connoisseur because, let’s face it, I collect horror movie posters as art pieces, but come on. Upon closer inspection I also found this.

Why is that frog blowing chunks? There is no theory to explain this. I have never seen a picture that caused me to have a bladder block before. There were four 16oz PBR’s begging to be set free and the pissing boy/frog yarf painting sucked out my will to relieve myself. Then my friend’s wife knocked on the door to make sure I was ok.

What the hell is with that anyway? Are there people who disappear in bathrooms around the country and I am the last to know? Why do people feel the need to knock on the bathroom door to check the status of whoever is in there? Next time I will ask them to come in and give me a back rub. That should keep them from asking anymore questions.

Well, I finally gained composure and finished what I started. I walked out and found my buddy, drunkenly gazing at his neighbor’s boobs and telling her about the new schooling zones that Alpharetta is starting. I walked up to him and inquired where they got that painting. It went like this.

Me- Fred, I have to know…where did you get that painting in the bathroom?

Fred- You like it? (hick-up)

Me- Ho..uh…where would one find something like that?


Nancy- Oh you do! Our niece painted that for us! Isn’t it cute?

Me- Well, it kept me from peein’.

Nancy- That’s so nice! I’ll tell her that when she comes over again.

I so wanted to tell them fire wouldn’t even touch that but I didn’t have the heart. No, I am caddy but I am not a dick.

So, I drank my limit and went home. It wasn’t a bad night by any means but I prefer them in a neutral setting, without seeing them set up plans to swap partners, being obvious about having coke upstairs or being being asked who I am voting for when I am sure it is the opposite of everyone there and could ignite a fight. No, I like those two at the bar where I can enjoy the company free of vomit frogs. They are good people.

A Little Help From My Freinds

I have been meaning to do this for some time so here it goes. It never ceases to amaze me that people read this stuff on VeggieMacabre. More over, people who actually have a common bond with my topics. Really, I think the most fun I have is reading other blogs. There is something to be said for people who can express emotion whether it be humorous or of the serious nature and make oneĀ feel through written words. I believe that is a gift and I want to share some people on my blogroll that have that.

The Pilver (Kristiane) : I’ve known Kristiane for a couple of years now. Many people who visit this site know her so it comes as no surprise when I say that she an amazing writer, Mom, multi-tasker and over all good person. The Pilver is one of the funniest, honest and most heartfelt sites on the Internet and if you have not been there, go! I am pretty sure we are somehow related because there is now way two people can operate on the same frequency like KB and I do. Trust me, it’s weird.

Laurie Kendrick : Laurie and I are good friends and I am a little bit smitten by that. Her blog is read by hundreds of thousands and there is great reason for that. She is funny. You can not read this in public because something will come out of your nose. I promise, I now know what coffee feels like in my nasal cavity. Her years in TV and radio have shaped her humor and wit to that of a God like skill. I hope that one day I can write as well as her.

The Evolution Of Me (Essaytch) : This is another funny girl that writes about the daily grind and my days feel a little less complete without checking in to read her hilarious letters to Mr. Manager, Paul Allen, or even WordPress itself. I also think Pippen the cat is just aces. There is something about Essaytch that makes you want to take her out to get drunk and then go see a live performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Maybe it’s the Seattle in her?

That’s What She Blogged (Allison) : I’m not sure how I found Allison on here but I am glad I did. Her daily events, 80’s and 90’s nostalgia, story’s of the “Imp” and stretch pants will keep you reading for hours. This is a must go to, because I believe everyone can find something in common on here. Whether it’s about being a parent, corporate work, funny dogs, The Office, or New Kids On The Block, trust me, it is worth reading. Her husband Matt is really funny too. It’s a double win.

Kittymao: It’s a breath of fresh air to have a friend that is honest, artistic and loves metal. She is a fellow Maiden fan and for that alone she has a place close to my heart. She also sent me this kick ass artwork she did that will be hung up in the den as soon as I get it back fro the matting store.

Shuanfu : A fellow X-E’er, Shuan and I have known each other for a while. I think it started when I gave him advice on women showing that I really have no idea how they work. I think I told him to run in zig zags and when in doubt play dead. It turns out that was advice for bear attacks. Regardless, if you want honest reviews for movies, collector items, or Wii games, go there. He’s a smart guy.

Furry Chocolates : If you couldn’t tell by now, I mostly have blog buddies that are funny. This one is no exception because if you don’t laugh from this Canadian, I think your laugh thingy is broken. Also, her husband is a very talented photographer as well as her cook book, also listed on Furry Chocolates.

Pammy-Girl : Oh, the very popular Pammy Shep in all her blogging goodness. She is the left-coast rep for VeggieMacabre and a great insight to the world of girls. I try to keep a distance from knowing too much but she is so talented with her writing and wit, I find myself reading on without a care that I may know too much. It’s nice to find open, honest, very educated people that can still admit to tripping into an elevator.

2 Lazy Dogs : I just recently found this thanks to Allison’s blog. I have to admit, she is a really talented artist. I don’t know if this has ever happened to you, but one of her paintings she posted left me speechless (which is quite a feat) and I stared at it for a good 10 minutes before sharing it with the entire office. Stop by, feel inspired and read the 101 page. Guaranteed to find at least 50 things in common.

Pistol Pete : Do you ever get down, need guidance, or just want to be lifted a little? Go here. I’m not the most religious guy but man, I read this almost daily just to refocus and it works. It works well. I am the type of person who goes to church, the entire time I daydream about everything not “church like” and yell at drivers leaving the parking lot. He brings it back to living a fruitful life and does it in a way that you would never know. If my computer was ever stolen, this would be one of the top 10 things that would force me to replace it that day.

jdevore : It’s Goob! Jodi is a great friend and I’m richer in life to know her. She has a great perspective on life and keeps the little things sacred which is a lesson most missed in life. If it wasn’t for the that, I would be lost in life.

Hopping In Puddles : You have to read some of these letters on here. Talk about heart felt! I wish I could find the words at times but clearly Micheal has.

Dohopoki : Have you ever met someone and you just know from a brief interaction that their IQ is probably 180. That’s doho. He is hilarious but the witty comebacks in his responses is where the magic is. It’s a great look into the mind that borders genius and insanity, and that’s a compliment. I’m glad he has recently decided to join the blogging community because it’s just too good not to read.

Kirbyann : Read the poems. Most of the time poems are over my head, and many English college courses have confirmed that. These are wonderful and at times will give you goosebumps.

Vonnegut’s Asshole (Eric Spitznagel) : One of the most famous people on this site, he is an accomplished novelist, magazine contributor and one of the funniest bloggers I have read. Some day I hope I can write like this guy. I have read his books but really lucked out to find his site. I still can’t believe it is for free.

Squee : It’s hard not to love Squee from X-E. She as been a rock in the comment section on X-Entertainment for years and I was ecstatic when she commented on one of my posts. I felt like I had a visit from the Queen or something.

Keywork : Much like Doho, this is a smart guy. He is cleaver, funny and if you don’t agree with him politically, watch out. He can hold his own. I pop in regularly as a lurker. I learn a lot.

MaryJane : Amy pops in from time to time but each time is like Christmas. You have to love the way she writes and topics of choice. She is a fellow X-E’er and it’s worth stopping by to listen to her mixed tape from 1996.

Crown Combo : Misty has been and still is an inspiration to me. If you ever want to find out about girl nostalgia go here. She is funny, brilliant and here blogs as well as her articles are more of an adventure than anything else. I don’t think a day has gone by without me checking in to see what she has gotten into. It really is a fun site and she is a good, good friend.

Social Pariah : I am not sure how I was found but I am glad she did. I have read every post and it is so funny. Go there right now and look at the midget in the leprechaun mask with the guy smoking a bong. It still haunts my dreams.

X-Entertainment : And of course, Matt Caracappa’s site. This is the reason I started writing. If you have never been there please go. Then you will understand where VeggieMacabre came from. Every post is quality, every topic will keep you interested and before you know it you will be assimilated into the X-E’er club. Actually it’s more of a cult. Matt is by far the most talented writer I have ever read. He can spark your interest in things you normally would never care about. His humor is dry and but never over your head. I don’t know if this is a sad thing, but if I left this world early, X-Entertainment would be one of the things I would miss the most. It is that good. There is no were else that you could travel back in time from the safety of your desk and relive the most innocent chapters of your life. Thanks for the Matt.

Well, that’s my shout out. I thoroughly enjoy reading everything on my blogroll. I usually don’t add many to it unless it meets my standards of humor, intelligence and over all non offensiveness in nature. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your personal thoughts, memories and life lessons. My job in life keeps the stress levels high but you guys bring me down to reality like nothing else. Keep the great posts coming.

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