Ok, back to the basics of what makes VeggieMacabre what it is. A lot of random shtuff that ties in only if you live on the farthest moon of planet B’pleebip. But today’s post is actually inspired from Pammy Shep’s very intuitive observation of men in Speedos. That being said it was only a matter of a few comments before the topic shifted to the art of manscaping. For those of you who are not aware of what ‘manscaping’ is let me be an informative source for you.

Manscaping is a guy’s answer to removing unsightly body hair. And by body hair I don’t mean removing the back hair, chest hair, arm/leg hair or anything else just above the belly button. No no, I also mean from the “happy trail” to the…..uh…shit, this is harder than I thought. (that’s what she said) Well anyway, you know where I am going with this so bear with me.

When I was in the seventh grade I spent a summer in San Fransisco with my Aunt, her boyfriend and her 7 cats. While I was there I read a lot of books because her beatnik boyfriend didn’t believe in television and they both worked during the day. That being said I snooped around their bookshelves at least twice a day and on one fateful day I was introduced to the classic 1972 book, The Joy Of Sex. It forever changed me and not because of the naked pictures or the sex faces. It was the hair. Even then at age 14, a full four years before I would even see a girl naked, I knew this wasn’t right. I prayed that I wouldn’t grow up to be a bearded bush man. I also looked at my Aunt and her over educated boyfriend a little differently. I wanted to go home.

So let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Why should a guy manscape? Well, that is a question that can only be answered by you and your partner. I can tell you that I do because I have pubeaphobia and I am uber-hygienic. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I fit in the metro-sexual category because I will never iron my jeans and if there is a bar that frowns on my Iron Maiden shirt, I won’t go in. But I have incorporated the manscaping routine in the shower and that is the way it is.

I am not saying that this is for everyone. Many women prefer their guy a little more on the natural side. There is nothing wrong with that. I have heard the case that many women feel manscaping isn’t manly at all and it detracts from the rustic, animalistic (made that word up) sense that I suppose only extreme private over growth can amplify. Hey, whatever sinks your canoe ladies. But to most, and I am only talking about the very few I know, they prefer guys to take the same amount of time that they are expected to when it comes to body hygiene.

For guys that feel this is a sissy practice all I have to say is, it’s not like you are shaving your legs and putting on a dress. It’s merely an extension of shaving surface area. I am not going to get into the details about how much needs to be trimmed but you’ll know. If you look in the mirror and see Buffalo Bill, you will know you went overboard. Start modest and go from there. I would suggest the Remington BT500A body hair trimmer. It’s waterproof and it eliminates razor burn, which is good. Very good actually. I also recommend Sensa Shave for the ol’ straight razor. It’s the guy’s equivalent to Coochy Cream.

So there you have it. I have stated my case for the practice of manscaping. I probably knocked my blog down a few pegs from entertaining to TMI but I felt it needed to be said. I think tomorrow I will write about ALF or cartoons. Something safe for work.

ALSO! Check out Allison’s hilarious mishap at the gym over at Macabrefitness. I was laughing so hard I popped something. Hopefully it wasn’t something important.

31 thoughts on “Manscaping

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  1. A nice thing to read right before I go to bed. I think less hair down there is a good thing because it just in in the way. Screw appearance it’s all about comfort when your doing the deed.

  2. Again… thanks for the credits. How many times have you put me on a pedestal? I’m feeling very unworthy. Here are a few more ideas (some are NOT for the weak, so beware):

    1. While razors are OK, I prefer Veet. This is a European invention (which probably grew out of — yes, I get the pun — Italy because those guys are like walking carpets. I prefer the foam to the pump. Works MUCH better than Nair. It’s a painless hair remover. Do NOT use on your face. Don’t ask.

    2. Tweezing. OK… I only use these on my eyebrows but men shouldn’t think that BERT from Sesame Street fame is a good look.

    3. “Get thee to a salon!” Yes, I have waxed. Down there. It’s embarrassing and painful… especially the first time. Trim before you go. It’s VERY effective and lasts about a month. Warning: does causes hyperventillating and some paralysis. Take an Advil BEFORE you go and don’t do anything strenuous for 30 minutes afterward. Oh, and for the embarrassment factor: yes, it’s humiliating. You are placed in positions your OBGYN (or urologist) doesn’t make you do. I suggest NOT making eye contact and either close your eyes or focus on the ceiling. Don’t watch. Be grateful it’s not your job to wax other people’s snatches.

    P.S. Men: overgrowth does not = being manly.

  3. Yeah, girls have it pretty rough. I waxed my chest hair once. ONCE. Died I almost. I couldn’t imagine making an appointment and laying down on a table preparing for people to rip hair out of you. Especially…..there. Yikes. You are brave Pammy.

  4. “If you look in the mirror and see Buffalo Bill, you will know you went overboard.”

    I am laughing so hard! I loved this post!

    A trimmed man is a manly man! 😉

  5. “I prayed that I wouldn’t grow up to be a bearded bush man.” Priceless. I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes after reading this.

    Yes, we women do have it tough. In my never-ending search to find the perfect/quickest/longest lasting hair remover I stumbled across a natural product the other day – honey wax. So, I bought it, and tried it. Let me just say that honey and pubic hair do not go well together. And it’s one thing having someone else rip the shit out of your nether regions…it’s another when you try to do it on your own.

  6. “I also looked at my Aunt and her over educated boyfriend a little differently. I wanted to go home.” Oh my gosh. I’m dying…again!! I saw a pic of a friend the other day on a boating trip and I thought “hmm, why is he wearing a sweater vest when it’s alm….oh ewww!! That’s hair.” Yes, please let’s keep body hair to a minimal.

  7. I can’t tell you how amusing this is.
    I actually like some man-scaping, and am pleasantly surprised when mine does so. And he does it for himself- how nice! I don’t ever have to say “shave your junk!”

  8. Pammy introduced me to the term “manscaping.” Certainly familiar with the concept, although I personally have never taken my razor south of my chin. That being said, I’ve always made sure all those Southern hair folicles have been safely in place behind appropriate clothing material while in public. Very amusing conversation topic.

  9. Yes, you definitely said what needed to be said, and after the trauma of reading that book at your tender age, I’m just glad you came out of the experience as a well-adjusted human being, manscape or not!

    Phew! 😉

  10. This was kind of…random. But uniquely entertaining. Hmmm…maybe I’ll check out those products you mentioned. If nothing else, I suppose it will lead to some cooler summer days.

    So I guess this is VeggieMacabre extending it’s subject matter. Interesting direction.

  11. As long as I can be a source of information Allison. 🙂

    Michael: I don’t know if I will extend the subject matter like this on a future basis. I try to keep the topic a little less…..jaw dropping? I don’t know, I have a lot of weird shit to say. You should hang out with me on a random Friday night. Sometimes I surprise myself.

    Romi: Thank you. I am glad I came out a head too. 😉

    Ginny: It has always proved successful for me. hee.

    Squee: That stuff is great. The problem is actually buying it as a guy. I think you have to order it, don’t you?

    KB: Did I leave you speechless?

    Dead C: Nice to hear from you as usual. Thanks man, I try and entertain.

    sportsatt: Welcome my friend! Yeah, Pammy tells it how it is. I would take it from her as far as what women want. I hit and miss.

    Kelli: I am sure Rudy does it just for you. I also bet he is somewhere right this second completely unaware that a small community knows about his “Junk cuts”. You are hilarious.

    Blue: I am glad I don’t have any Greek in me. I feel for guys in natural sweater vests.

    LazyD: Honey + pube = yeeeeeowwww! Holy Hannah! I could never do that. I have no idea how you girls do that.

    DC: It’s tough to think of something, I know.
    Here’s to you, Mr. Happytrail shaver…. (a grown man buys Venus razors)

  12. I’m pretty sure I don’t WANT to wax (you read the ‘how to’, right?) but I don’t want to look like a Yeti, either. Oh… and do you really find me crass? I believe that’s a word you used to describe me once upon a not long time ago. If so, I am deeply shamed.

  13. Do you have a link to the actual product page of that Remington BT500A? I’ve been considering doing this for some time and I have to take the fact you blogged about it as a sign that I need to.

  14. “See, if Girly thinks so it’s golden.”

    Yes, because I’m the expert on all things manly!! 😆

  15. You should really get that “something” you keep popping looked at man.

    I’m in the percentage who manscapes.
    As soon as I read a magainze that said “trimming makes it look bigger” I was in.

  16. Just as an FYI you have been elected mayor (and possibly toad master) to the blogger’s party at Toad Suck. It’s all in the comments section of my entry hello…i see you.

  17. Uh, there was no link about a punk ref. I’ve been called a few things in my life (bitch, which has been used multiple times; mean and cold, both frequently attributed your’s truly; aloof, that one hurt; hard, uptight, judgemental, odd, acerbic, sarcastic, and scary… but CRASS has never been one of them until now. But if it’s a good thing then by all means, continue using it. I need all the ego building I can get.

    P.S. You might want to check out the comments under Nandango’s most recent post. It seems as though you were nominated for a psuedo political office.

  18. I think I’m the only one that’s majorly creeped out by the idea of taking sharp things to that area or ripping out the hair there. Facial waxing is tolerable, but hoo-hoo waxing? Count me the hell out.

  19. You failed to mention the single most reported reason to manscape the “road to hell”. Makes everything look bigger. I have that from multiple reliable sources in the local college health clinic.

    I don’t have a problem with manscaping. It’s just the upkeep that’s a problem. Let yourself go just a little bit and you’re working from behind.

    If you’re going to get waxed, I would advise local anesthetic gel prior to going. lidocaine jelly is available without a script. Otherwise you’ll turn into Steve Carell from the “40-year old Virgin”


  20. trim the jungle, dont burn it down. its been my experience that just as many girls like a bit of a hairy guy. i trim my neither regions, but i trim them, with scissors. make them shorter, a little fur cushion is ok. i also dont think its any less attractive if a woman dosent shave either. plus i am of hungarian descent and i am a very hairy guy, it takes a vey long time to shave everything. i just keep it short and looking nice, i still get laid, and the women ive met like it that way. thats all

  21. Thank you, ” the last spartan” on the leg up on the lidocaine jelly!!!. I ‘am scheduling lazar treament’s to get rid of china bush. The razor bit has been a real headache…
    Along with waxing…ugh!. Finally decidedd to take the “last stance”, permanant measure. I’am also sure the lidocaine jelly can work with other function’s.Oooohwheee!

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