Well, as most of you know I have recently left South Florida and now I can finally have the seasons back. It has been two years and I know I am wishing them too soon but I can’t help it. As August draws to a close, Fall has begun to creep in the retail, grocery and drug stores. This means only one thing. Drinking beer with a celebratory purpose! Tonight I have purchased the J.W. Dundee’s Beer Pack because J.W. is directly responsible for me being intoxicated many Halloweens in a row. I consider Honey Brown the poor man’s snooty beer that you can find at Kroger for $10 or less. For that, I love J.W.
There she is! The box of hopes, dreams, loss of virginity, and many nights roaming around fields, talking to myself at 4 in the morning, pissed that Balky Bartakomas never returned to his homeland of Meepose. This box made me what I am socially and now I can pay tribute to the cheap lager that separated me from the rednecks at the party.
Ah, look what we have to choose from! Four glorious beers of different taste and alcohol percentage. By the time one beer was downed the chance of the other three getting their fair shake was iffy at best. So tonight, now that I am 29 with a seasoned liver, the other three will get their time in the spot light.
The cell phone camera doesn’t do it justice but the fine print says “perfectly balanced.” True that, because that is the first thing I will say to a cop when asked to perform a sobriety test. “Officer, there is no way I can fail. I drank 9 perfectly balanced beers and if I falter, I am suing.” People don’t drink health drinks to be sick!
I actually have a normal looking hand but I can’t figure out the dimensions of the picture enough to care. “I am not deformed.” (That is for you Kneg) Pale Bock is the beer you drink at the Hayride Drink-Tank to show how festive you are. Unfortunately this beer can also screw you over because it is too heavy to mix well with Jell-O shots and if you drink this to look sophisticated, you may have your card pulled by yarfing on the girlfriend’s overalls while making out in the pumpkin patch. Not that I know.
This beer, Pale Ale, had to be tasted with a careful balance of Birthday cake ice cream. Sophisticated beer calls for sophisticated ice cream. I drank this while finishing my degree from University of Maryland and believe it or not, people respected my choice of beverage. They form opinions about foreign policy, politics, engineering projects and national policy but they are still impressed by the mere fact I did not drink Bud lite for $1.50 but choose to drink a $3.50 Pale Ale. Did that make me rich in personality or wealthy in appearance? Who knows, but that is the loudest voice of nonconformity and they judged me on what I drank.
Ah….the oldie but goody! This beer symbolizes the end of summer and the beginning of fall. This is the beer that I drank in graveyards at night and behind football stadiums after the varsity game. The best times of my life have been forever linked to this beverage. This beer symbolizes old friends reunited and new friends met. I think that is what the fall season is as a whole. You know what? I am going to pay tribute to Honey Brown and the J.W. pack tonight. I know it is August but what the fuck? What can I carve?
Why not? Jack-o-Lanterns where able to scare away evil spirits so why not peppers? I think I will make a tribute to my favorite Fall time beverage from J.W. Dundee the way I want to. I am going to make the most sincere Pep-O-Lantern (Kristiane) anyone has ever seen and try not to cut off my finger. I am carving under the influence!
It is not the greatest but it makes me happy. Shit, that is all that matters anyway. Thank you for the memories J.W. Dundee. I am a better man because of you and I know, here in August, to not let Autumn go by unnoticed. It will be hard to not notice with Matt’s X-Entertainment.com Halloween countdown anyway. We are lucky to be living right here, right now.
I am going to leave you with that. A pepper that can ward off evil spirits. Do you think I am drunk yet?