Commercials That Make You Open A Savings Account

It is truly amazing what people buy. I will admit that I have blown my money on utter shit before but spending last evening watching TV with a particular attention to advertisements it is clear that there is a market for idiots. I must have stayed up until 3 am just listening to an elderly lady make small talk about a poodle cookie jar. I believe someone called in to buy it just to shut the old lady up and move on to the next dump in a jar. Somewhere in the United States there is a poodle cookie jar being bubble wrapped and shipped to some poor soul’s door mat.

Before I rail on internet dating I would like to make it clear that I don’t look down on it. I know it must be hard to be a professional and have the time to meet people of the opposite sex but the commercial for eHarmony really creeps me out. That old guy just looks like he is secretly getting off on people’s profiles. I actually heard that people have been rejected from this service too! How’s that possible? There is a 29 point compatibility questionnaire sheet! Watch the commercial to see. They have this guy LJ, who you might remember on the commercial say, “I don’t have to put on a false front.” Remember him? He sounds like an absolute moron. He must have put all C’s for his 29 point compatibility because somehow, someway, he found a normal looking chick. At least she looks normal. LJ may wake up to find his man hood cut off and made into a door-stop. I hope not LJ.

This commercial cracks me up. It is an ad for, what I believe it is, the birth control Yasmine. I can’t believe I am blogging about birth control but this commercial was to painful to ignore. It is set at a hip, outdoor club with three late 20’s girls talking about their birth control methods. The snotty brunette takes center stage and give a 7 paragraph rant with arrows, x’s and o’s all about how wonderful Yasmine is. To top it off she boasts, “I didn’t go to medical school for nothing.” Lady, you went to medical school after you flunked acting school. Don’t say it was for nothing. Every time this commercial comes on I have to buy a new remote because I break the old one over my head in disgust.


Billy Mays, the man without an indoor voice! I watch his infomercials and all I can think of is how this guy must be at dinner in a fine restaurant. It must go some like this:

Waiter: What will you have, sir?


Waiter: Very good sir, please keep your voice down.


Waiter: Sir, could you please lower your voice. We have other patrons.


Waiter: Sir, you’re going to have to leave.


His poor wife must have a hearing complex. But they must have one hell of a clean bathroom!

I am absolutely positive that the only parents who buy their kids video games from from TV infomercials are the same ones who home school their kids. This proves my point further that even if they try and socialize their kids they can’t because anyone who comes over to play will be forced to play Math Frogger, Spelling Donkey Kong or wost yet, Bible Knock Out. I would like to believe this is a form of child abuse.

On topic of bad toys that people add to their credit card bills because of momentary stupidity while innocently watching TV, Blow Pens take art to a new level of wrong. Don’t add oral fixations to a creative output.


Don’t get me wrong, I like Rob Zombie. I liked him in White Zombie back in the nineties and as a painter when he redecorated the Headbangers Ball’s studio with B horror art. But now he has the artistic license and money to take on films as a visionary director. I saw House of 1000 Corpses and believe it or not I really liked it for what it was. He has a knack for reviving the old drive-in horror for it’s intended purpose. Now, however, he has taken the project of remaking the classic, Halloween. Please don’t put a bad name on this great movie. They shot the original in 21 days with a budget even I could afford and made an immortal mark on US cinema. Good luck Rob!

I hope the new Halloween starts out like this. I doubt it will but there is always hope. I remember when I saw this movie and much like Jaws, the beginning musical score really set the tone. When ever I hear it I actually smell pumpkin innards. It will be hard to follow what Clive Barker wrote by just messing around on his piano. Rob might be tempted to go quite a bit further.

What a classic introduction to a sequel! With the creepy “Mr. Sandman” song everyone is quickly brought up to speed on how Haddonfield, Illinois is still not done with their Halloween night. I saw Halloween II before the original so I was one of the many who appreciated it. Believe it or not, this was my first horror movie. When I saw that chick boiled in a rehab bath I knew my relationship with Micheal Myers would be special. He’s my pal.

Even the young Myers is a drastic change. One looks pretty scary and the other one looks like the drummer from Hanson. I truly got the creeps from the first Mike. His blank stares give an open ended question to how a little kid could be so sadistic. The surfer to the right is just trying too hard. Now that I think of it, I am pretty sure this kid flicked me off while I was in Star-buck’s. Fuck you little Hanson.

That’s why I am worried that Rob Zombie will put too much of a character behind the mask. The whole reason that Mike Myers was scary to begin with was that there was no reason. I heard that the new movie will delve deep into Micheal Myers psyche and give reason for his psycho behavior. I just want to leave it that he was that Boogieman. For once there has to be a bad guy that is just evil for no reason! Don’t let me identify with the killer! That’s not scary!

Well, good luck in remaking this timeless classic, Rob. Don’t fuck it up. Samhain is watching.

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