Octoberific Day

Some days you just can’t help but recognize them for what they are. The chill in the air with no humidity, a brilliant blue sky that looks almost black the higher up you stare; how can one possibly be expected to work on a days like these? So, that’s exactly why I blew it off to have an adventure. And I highly recommend you do the same before the calendar flips to November.

It seems to happen like clockwork this time of the year. I warned everyone in the office months ago that during late September and October I will be throttling back on projects and travel but the opposite transpired. So far in the past three weeks I’ve been handed two multimillion dollar account opportunities and acquired them both, thrusting me into more than 60 hours of intense work that leaves me at night nursing a glass of wine while staring blankly at a computer screen. The drafts of Halloween posts number in the twenties but they are without wit or charm. It reads like a dull salesman with a bad back who is forced to enjoy a bouncy castle then told to write whimsically about it. The result is rushed, without heart and if excellent writers like J.W. Ocker and Matt Caracappa have taught me anything it is quality over quantity wins every time.

I needed this day to put myself and the Halloween Hell Show back on track. Between the massive workload and the unexpected hurricane, October is zipping by in a blur and the show has had serious neglect. If there was any hope in doing so a physical action was needed because in many ways, physical motion leads to a positive mental emotion. It’s science, man.

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First: The music. My choice to get into the perfect Halloween mood is absolutely the Halloween Pandora station. For what ever reason, it seems to have been contoured to exactly what I like. A bit of oldies, a bit of the 80’s, some soundtrack classics and even some spooky jazz. I get up early and crank it up.

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Second: Fill the crock pot up! If the mood of the season needs to hit on all notes, the house has to smell right and there is nothing better than long slow cooking to accomplish that. My go-to choice is always pot roast. I believe I have perfected this one from years of watching The Food Network. Taking recipes from various chefs and putting in a little of my own additions (hot peppers), it’s hard to argue with this one. Also, I learned the use of corn starch for gravy. I am growing up! This recipe and crock pot speed will engulf your home with the best fall smell imaginable and combined with $50 Yankee candles, it’s an olfactory orgy of Halloween.

IMG-7700 Third: Grab a friend and seek out the most sincere roadside pumpkin patch. This one is a biggie. Seeing how I don’t have many friends who can take off on a workday afternoon, I had to enlist my dogs. Summer seemed the most eager and while the others would be happy to adventure with me, she is the one I could count on to not puke in my new car.

IMG-7697 I have been reconnoitering the area so I knew of a few pumpkin patches to visit but there was one in particular that demanded my visit. It was the perfect blend of nostalgia and country making every picture look like an airline travel magazine spread. The day was getting later and the shadows grew long in the orange light. Summer was trying to take in all the excitement as best as she knew how but after some frustrating photo attempts, the strain was too much and she succumb to what a lab puppy must do. She jumped into the apple bin spilling about forty-plus apples. Cost: $37.40.

IMG-7695IMG-7720 All-in-all, it was a nice trip to the pumpkin patch with a girl who still needs to grow out of her impulsion. I now have more apples than I know what to do with so it looks like my neighbor will have plenty for pies. I’ll just skip the fact they were paw selected.

Forth: Get Halloween junk food! After the trip to the pumpkin patch I decided I needed some other items and definitely fall beer if I was to cap off the day properly. Perhaps some firewood for the outdoor fire pit as well? I left the car running with Marylin Manson covering Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas songs on the radio while Summer was in timeout for her apple episode.

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I don’t know what happened but I was on such a Halloween-High I passed by the Halloween junk food display and went mad. We all go a little mad at times, right? I began shoveling in everything that had a witch, was orange and black, gummy or chocolate, both evil and benign. I must have looked like I was on a grocery store game show and the clock was ticking. The last time I went this carefree in a grocery aisle was when I ate a death wing challenge and emptied half the anti-acid shelf.

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Before we went home we stopped at my favorite little beer bar which happens to be dog friendly. Still a little wary of Summer’s puppy-like impulsion, her lead was a little shorter. The people there are always so charming and the fact Halloween 4 was on the TV, the decorations were displayed with heart, it was clearly the perfect last stop of the afternoon.

When we got home from an afternoon of fall scenes and adventure, the house smelled like heaven. I unloaded the haul and started the backyard fire while sipping on a fall IPA. I made the conscious effort to stop and listen to the breeze blowing leaves from the trees, the crackle of the fire and kids off in the distance playing outside. The dim orange glow illuminated the yard and I started to truly embrace this time of the year. I needed this.

IMG-8048 Later that evening my buddy called and asked what I was up to and I told him about the kickass autumn day I had including Summer’s assault on an apple bin. But we were not done yet! The new Halloween movie with Jamie Lee Curtis opened that night and I had completely forgot! It was as if Samhain orchestrated this entire day to give back the spirit so many were trying to suck out. I got on Fandango and holy shit, the 10:30 showing looked completely empty.

After dinner and fifteen cowtails (candy not the actual cow’s tail), I waited on Paul to arrive to have a pumpkin beer before heading out to see the new Halloween and end this Octoberific day the best way possible. I blared Oingo Boingo’s “Dead Man’s Party” from my ridiculous office and probably posted too many embarrassing pictures on social media but I didn’t care. I was going to see Halloween on the big screen for the first time in twenty years with my good friend.

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It was the perfect end to the perfect day. Well, perfect is a strong word. There are always people I want to share these days with but if you can’t be around people, a cute lab is the next best thing. I’ll post more on Halloween if not to at least acknowledge the time capsule for the 2018 Halloween Hell Show. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

I challenge you to get out there and have an Octoberific day. Just embrace it all, even if it’s sitting in the park sipping on cider. Don’t let the daily drudge steal this away because that drudge is here all year-long. It can wait.

Halloween at Applebee’s?

Boy, it has been a busy few weeks. It’s a hell of the thing running a sales team, starting a  company, raising a zoo, traveling around the US and running a two month-long Halloween show. There are never enough minutes in the day but we must persevere anyway. I believe it was Matt from then X-Entertainment who said it best, “…Time wants to chop off my dick and feed it to Minutes the dog.”. I get that.

Now it’s on with the show.

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Last week I was cruising around the interwebs and noticed the restaurant chain Applebee’s was getting into the Halloween spirit by featuring a few spooky cocktails and even a $1.00 “Zombie” drink which turns out to be not worth the savings the next day. I coaxed a few friends to accompany me so I wouldn’t be the only one drinking four gigantic fishbowls full of Blue Curacao and telling the bartender my theories of Atlantis. Only in middle-age do I know thyself.

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Before I get into the Halloween cocktails I do need to address how awesome-ly retro and simplistic the Halloween decorations were there. Grilled chicken salads taste so much better under an orange and black streamer and I don’t think there is really anything better than a cozy bar on a chilly night this time of the season. It always made me wonder what the rush was to leave the Slaughtered Lamb?

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The first cocktail was the Cauldron Cocktail for only $5.00! It’s a mix of rum and fruit juices with a shot of Sprite for bubbly texture. Basically your average cocktail in a Florida beach resort but without having to sell your first-born to afford it. I wouldn’t say this is very spooky but I like the effort. Also, if Applebee’s was held at gunpoint this glass weighs about the same as a medium dog so it can double as a liquor/juice holder and a defensive weapon. IMG-7009

Next we tried the two premium cocktails; Dracula’s Juice and Boo Lagoon. Dracula’s Juice was actually pretty good because it had the added element of frozen lemonade which helps even out the super sweet Razzmatazz. I am not a huge Razzmatazz fan unless I am playing Scrabble.

Boo Lagoon is absolutely adorable in name only. Well, the name and the gummy shark. Blue Curacao and I parted ways years ago at Myrtle Beach. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say a certain someone is not invited back to a certain amusement ride.

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Now for the main event. Appleebee’s decided to go all in on a one dollar horror drink made from Bacardi Rum, passionfruit, cherry and a splash of Sprite but really the magic is the gummy brain resting on top. It’s made quite an impact around the web so I think this will be a big hit for 2018. Is it as cool as a Candy Corntini from Rockafellas in Salem, Massachusetts? No way but it is pretty good for a place that has a long list of banned patrons across the country. You haven’t lived unless you’ve retrieved your car the next day from an Applebee’s parking lot in the hopes no one recognizes you.

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These days I’m not really that big on the drinking during a weeknight but on certain of occasions, one has to make an exception. I always find these little trips are what makes the season memorable, even if it’s clouded with a massive liquor/sugar hangover the following day.

So, A+ for the Halloween effort, Applebee’s! The price is right for what you get and the gummy candy brains are a nice touch. I probably would have preferred something to remind me of the event like a Halloween mug or something but for a dollar, what am I complaining about?

You can watch the Periscope live event reviewing all of these in Applebee’s with my friends here. It gets stupid but what do you expect? It’s Applebee’s and booze!

Halloween Bratwurst, Beer and Hot Sauce

Oh World Market. How I love thee, especially during the Halloween season. Every year you bring out the strange and unusual and fill my Hell Show with content. I can’t say great content but nonetheless, content.

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Over the last couple of Halloween Hell Shows, World Market has been the place to be for rare Halloween sodas and adult beverages. Unfortunately, this year the pace of new flavors has slowed in those particular categories but that is not slowing anything down here! Tonight I am reviewing a few items I picked up over the past week and will give them a fair shake in the CoD HQ.

I also picked up a large amount of “horror” themed beer and wine but that will have to wait for the weekend. Lately, the week days have been pretty slammed with work issues so no time for a foggy head during the 9 to 5.

Come join me for Halloween Brats, Beer and Hot Sauce from one of my favorite retail chains; World Market. If you are asking yourself how I filled twelve minutes in a video review I will tell you I don’t know. I just don’t know. But come watch anyway. Or just play it as background noise for Jack-o-lantern carving. Either way.

Halloween Sodas!

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Holy cats! This one took a while to shoot, edit and re-edit. When you are so amateur to video reviews and Final Cut software you have to watch hours of YouTube tutorials from an eleven-year-old, it’s going to take a while for anything of substance. If you are not easily offended, you should definitely give this one a watch.

Probably what I love most about the Halloween season is the hunt. I love exploring all the shops come August and see what new additions there are to the market and no item better represents the macabre creativity like soft drinks. Hear me out.

Sure the name brands change their cans to include silly monsters but nothing beats the private little companies and their novelty Halloween beverages. There are no giant analyst meetings with board members judging if “Frankenstein Cola” will ruin people from their brand forever or stocks at risk before the end of a fiscal year. No, just fun people concocting strange brews to bottle and label with spiders and witches. I love it so very much and when you find them, it’s a race to social media to spread the spooky fun. What a weird little world I chose to live in.

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This year, World Market is the keeper of the faith with five new flavors over the previous years to include Lemon Drop Dead and Blood Orange from Jones Soda Company. We have Dr. Jekyll Pepper Elixir, Flying Cauldron Butter Beer, Salem Sister’s Green Apple, Cheshire’s Vanishing Cream Soda, and last but not least, Ghoulish Grape (It’s Fang-tastic!). All have their own little spooky magic and I taste them all for you with some help from beyond.

Come watch me summon the new Halloween Sodas that are exclusively at World Market from now until Halloween.

Spooky* Sweet Heat Starburst and Skittles

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I have bantered around whether or not to include the new Sweet Heat additions to the Starburst and Skittles family for about a week now and judging by the apparent lack of Earth-shattering releases like the past few years (i.e. Frute Brute, Ecto Cooler, black bun-ed Whoppers…) I figured, what the Hell? After all, I did find them under the Halloween banner for a new release in Wallgreens. That should at least qualify it for something?

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I heard about these from the annual Chicago Candy Faire this past year because I always make sure to keep my finger on the pulse of new items coming around because when original Bonkers make their return, I will repent because I know the rapture is near. Until then, all bets are off to include pants.

Wrigley Inc. debuted the new flavors of Skittles and Starbursts to include the addition of “heat” or spicy to compliment the sweetness. It is a bold move because it’s tough to imagine a 10-year old eating something that is confusing to the palate especially when he or she is raised on a steady diet of mac&cheese and chicken fingers. They are definitely targeting an older market which I kinda like in a candy company.

A little inside baseball, these were not supposed to be released until December of this year. In my mind I would like to think these are an attempt to nudge their way into the Halloween season although there are specific Halloween versions out of both candies. It’s a strange flavor which I think belongs in the world of strange and unusual and that is what Halloween does the best. Right, Winona?

So how do they taste? Well, let’s see starting with Starburst, the obvious winner of the two and don’t you dare disagree!

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There are four flavors which are “Fiery Watermelon”, “Flamin’ Orange”, “Strawberry Mango” and “Pipin’ Pinapple”. My many years of eating ridiculously hot food and two broken noses, I must say, telling these flavors apart beyond the obvious flavor notes like “this is definitely watermelon and not strawberry” is kinda lost on me. I will tell you that there is a definite tingle near the end of the taste test proving the “heat” is actually there. Looking on the package I was curious to see what the element was in the ingredients which is responsible for this faint buzz you get. All I could really see and assume was an uptick in the amount of citric acid. If we ever figure out time travel we can proudly inform the Colonials that in the future we eat acid. That should scare ’em.

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The Skittles were a little less pronounced with the flavors and heat. These had five new flavors: “Lemon Spark, “Fiery Watermelon”, Sizzlin’ Stawberry”and “Flamin’ Orange”. Again, nothing too nuts about these other than the feeling you wished you didn’t eat a handful of Skittles without washing the table pepper from your hands. The same normal tropical fruit taste with a little “ting” in the back of the throat.

All-in-all, not a bad little macabre treat to the mix. I will definitely be adding these to my 2017 Halloween additions this year because as of the first week of September, it’s looking a little lackluster. I am still waiting the big over-dominating item that will hit but not getting hopes high. That’s okay, tough, because this year’s Halloween Hell Show is shaping up to be pretty epic. The first week is always a bit wonky especially with apocalyptic storms and work emergencies, but believe it or not, I anticipated a lot of these contingencies. “Not the first rodeo”, said the clown.

Given a scale of 1-10 I would say a 5 on taste and an unintentional 7 on the Halloween fun. If you see them, give them a try and if you think I am underselling the heat, let me know! I am curious and so is my doctor.

Stay tuned tonight for this year’s first Halloween video review! It will scare your pants off.

 

Shakesburger In Love: The Angriest Whopper

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“Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. The Burger King Crown.”-Shakespeare (Henry IV: Bill and Ted’s Midlife Crisis)

Burger King has done it again! I know I am a little late to the party and other sites which aren’t in a zombie state like mine have already covered this week-old pop culture phenom, but it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t throw my hat into the ring of fire. And that fire is the new and limited time only, Burger King’s Angriest Whopper.

During last years Halloween season, Burger King shocked the community of Satanists and Halloween lovers with a black bun-ed, horror burger called the Halloween Burger. It had an A-1 steak sauce infused black bun and made the season 1000x more special because horror can be translated into bat shaped Reese’s cups pretty easily but burgers? That, my friends, is something amazing. Too bad it made people shit green.

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But beware of the ides of March, dear readers, because on the last day of that month, Burger King gave us a new weird Whopper and this time it’s pissed off, so look busy! The Angriest Whopper is brilliant red from the hot sauce infused in the bun. It has fried and pickled jalapenõs accompanied by some weird spicy yet sweet mustard sauce along with bacon because even if it really sucked, bacon is the extra credit to save the moron. Nothing has ever completely failed with bacon on it.

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When I review these weird limited-time-only items from fast food restaurants it is rare that I will eat the whole thing. As a guy in his mid…late thirties who hurt his back sneezing last week, eating a 900 calorie burger is just not in the cards. But, for preservation sake, I will eat half. 450 calories can happen at Starbucks if you don’t pay attention.

I must say, for a fast food burger it is not too bad and *gasp* a little on the spicy side! I know the hot sauce infused bun should add to the spice but I really couldn’t pull that away from the sauce and the jalepenos  because the overall construction was pretty damn complimentary to one another! It really seems less of a fast food burger but more of a dine-in chain restaurant burger and that is like the golden prize to fast food joints. I don’t know what is going on in the Burger King lab but I have a feeling it is involving the revitalized head of Andy Worhol and Walt Disney.

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So, while I crawled out of the grave to review this Angry Whopper, I feel it deserves a pretty good grade. I will give it an B+. The only reason I am giving it a B instead of an A is because it had a typical fast food presentation and it reminds me of the time my lunch was smashed and leaked juice all over other kids back packs on a field trip and the teacher made a huge deal about it. Every time I see a smashed sandwich I think of Mrs. Tanner’s smoker’s pucker and lipstick covered coffee mug. So, sorry Angriest Whopper. It’s not you. It’s me.

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Well folks, parting is such sweet sorrow so it is back to the coffin with me on VeggieMacabre. If you still want to follow my antics and read/watch about silly stuff, checkout the Tumblr site, VeggieMacabreTV until I make a new and better place.

Thanks for reading!

The Star Wars R2-D2 Pizza Cutter!

If I can say one thing for certain, it is that I will always be late to the main event. When something is at its most zenith, the top of popularity, the thing to pay attention to, I will usually catch up with it a year or two later. It happens with almost everything that the populace is engaged with. For example, I just finished The Sopranos on Amazon Prime last month. This show had references to Netscape, for Christ Sake! I loved ever minute of it and have been bring it up in social events only to be left empty of witty dialogue because most of my friends where finishing college in the heyday of the HBO classic. Shit, I just recently became an Amazon Prime member, too!

With that in mind, (I am not a hipster) it is no surprise that I am rolling in Star Wars novelty junk like my dog Theodore rolls in cat puke. With the year leading up to one of the biggest movie events in modern history, The Force Awakens jammed the stores with all sorts of silly shit from a galaxy far, far away. Not to mention the franchise is now owned by Disney who is only second to Gene Simmons when it comes to branding merchandise.

This is kind of why I blog, really. I blog to talk about or review the items that makes us smile not because we need them but because it’s just there. And with the new Star Wars movies slated to be pop-culture fodder for the foreseeable future, I will say that VeggieMacabre should never run out of silly things to talk about and perhaps smile over.

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So, with that being said, let us chat about the Star Wars R2-D2 Pizza Cutter! This is not just your ordinary pizza cutter because when you divide up the pie, you get delighted with a series of “bleeps” and “blurps” as authentic R2 sounds emanate from the tool. It’s pretty loud and if someone wasn’t a huge Star Wars fan, I could see them committing mass murder in a Pizza Hut. For one pizza on a Friday night and a movie, however, R2-D2 would be an awesome droid to pretend he is approving of the topping selections.

Come and watch my quick video, review and demonstration of the R2 series Astromech Droid pizza cutter. It is sure to leave you saying, “He paid $24.95 for that?”.

Electricity and Crystal Pepsi Both Suck

It is 2016 and I am still doing this dance. That slow waltz, yapping about horror films, weird travels, crappy food and silly observations of life. I have had huge aspirations here with not-so-hot results. I know, the Halloween Show fizzled and Christmas was just a disaster. I even tried to do a thirteen day give-away and truth be told, only half the winners have gotten their winnings still and its halfway through January. They will but I managed to drag this gift thing out long enough that I should just put “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” on the box.

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So what’s up? Everything going well? Did you see that Dustin Diamond (Screech) had to report to jail for stabbing some guy in a bar? It seems that dude had some pent-up aggression from being portrayed as a goof for ten years. What were we talking about again?

So, things have been changing for the better over here in VeggieMacabre land. Work damn near killed me but dawn has broken. My career can be described like…imagine you are a professional juggler. You can juggle anything; bowling balls, tennis rackets, chainsaws, knives…anything! Now, imagine you are performing and you are mid-juggle and ask an audience member to toss something into the items you are currently juggling. One person tosses in a soda fountain drink. That is how these past few months have been. Expected to do the impossible because people are fucking dicks.

By the way, I am not a professional juggler. I can’t even juggle tissues.

So, I am here to say, I miss this place. I love writing about the dumb things in life and reviewing things no one cares about. It’s a strange hobby but it allows one to live in the moment and share it with someone in Romania. I get a lot of inspiration and if I am being honest, even imitation of other sites and blogs. I guess that is the greatest form of flattery.

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So I am going to tell you a little story of my dumb childhood. That is, after all, the foundation of VeggieMacabre. It’s about Crystal Pepsi, Faces of Death and electrocution.

Back in middle school, I hung around the pretty much everyone but I felt more comfortable with the nerds than the athletic types. My friends Ben and Brendan where the two I spent the most time with and during the weekends we would always be at one of our houses. Those days were filled with comic book shops, Street Fighter 2, Blockbuster and any stupid adolescent food a kid could ingest. It was a great time to be thirteen.

This particular long weekend we lucked out and had a snow day. It was a typical snow day in Georgia which meant enough snow to cancel school in the morning but gone by 2:00 in the afternoon. No matter because the three of us were content to indulge in the finer things in a young dork’s life. Like reading Lobo comics, doing a blind fold taste test of Crystal Pepsi vs regular Pepsi and rent movies with suggested parental consent.

That day I found out three things about myself:

  1. Yes, you can actually be disturbed enough from a film that it ruins a weekend
  2. Crystal Pepsi is not good
  3. Electricity is pretty damn scary

We were at Ben’s house for that snowy Friday. He was my British buddy whose Mom was sweet as could be and his father was the size of dumpster and could possibly punch through a fridge. He was a professional rugby play in his youth back in England and you could tell from the fact he only had ONE EAR!. He had only one fucking ear because it was ripped off in a game against Norway back in the late seventies, before protective headwear was made mandatory. Watching him wear glasses was something of great mystery.

That aside, Ben’s father was a jovial man who joked with us kids and no longer a rough and tough rugby player, he was a rough and sweet CPA for some firm in Atlanta. He used to have weird nicknames for us that didn’t really have any meaning rather it just rhymed. For example, my name was “Willy-McBilly” and Brendan was “Brendan My Friendan”. Silly, I know, but at thirteen you just thought it was a normal part of being a kid when interacting with parents.

The three of us always hung out in Ben’s semi-finished basement. It had everything we needed like a TV, a Super Nintendo, a crappy couch and a poker table behind it. Ben’s dad was finishing it bit by bit, doing all the drywall, pluming and electric work himself and it didn’t matter if we were down there, fully engrossed in Diehard, Ben’s dad would be drilling away.

The movie of choice for that day was somewhat taboo back then and was the talk of every recess since I could remember. Every kid with a jerk older brother had been told about this and whether they had seen it for themselves or just by word of mouth, they captured the attention of an entire lunch table. You know the movie. Faces of Death Vol. 1-3.

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Faces of Death was a macabre documentary of people being filmed in there last few minutes of life. A morbid fascination to horror loving creeps like us, it was narrated by a coroner named Francis B Gröss, who showed us everything from real autopsies to a parachutist landing in an alligator farm to a real electrocution/execution. It was graphic, grainy and completely disgusting. It made us feel as if there was a dark film covering our skin and the paranoid reflections in our own mortality encompassed our thoughts for possibly the first time in our life. It would be an exaggeration to say this was as far away from a feel-good film as you could get. A better example would be to say White is to Black as Care Bears: The Great Happy Snuggle Nubbles is to Faces of Death.

To be honest, I don’t think we even made it through volume one before we had to turn it off and focus on something that didn’t involve awful people hammering open live monkey heads. It was time to find something more productive. A taste test.

Now I don’t recall how long Crystal Pepsi aka Pepsi Clear had been on the market when we decided to do this blind taste test but I do know I was no stranger to the product. In fact, I remember being very disappointed my first time trying the “uncola”. It had an after taste that seemed almost soapy. Besides Van Halen, I really didn’t care for the drink and didn’t understand why drinking clear soda was such a big buzz. Obviously I was oblivious during the eighties and early nineties because these campaigns with silly color changes were everything to people. (Google “purple ketchup”)

Trying to focus our attention away from the awful deaths of 1978, we laid out the little plastic cups across the poker table and used a rolled up t-shirt for the blind fold. Each of us would take a turn guessing what was regular and what was clear.

Meanwhile, while we were hard at work doing a fake marketing test for our own amusement, Ben’s dad was hard at work installing a light switch on the wall approximately ten feet away. A tough guy, knowing how electricity works was mere elementary science and turning off the breaker would be for amateurs or ninnies. He had been finishing out this basement for the better part of the fall and winter so by this time, little things like safety were just annoyances.

It was finally my time to test my senses and see if these taste buds could tell the difference between Crystal Pepsi and boring ol’ regular. With sight removed I raised the first cup to my lips and took a sip. Undeniably , it was Crystal Pepsi. At this point it dawned on me we were really bored and needed to go outside or do something more productive. But, like a good sport, I still had three more tastes to complete. (We did two of each to make sure we just weren’t lucky guessers)

As I took the second sip I smelled something strange, like a battery operated toy that was red-hot from running too long. The hairs on my arm raised and it felt like I could have touched someone and possibly blown a finger off from the charge in my body. I lifted the blindfold and saw both Ben and Brendan looking   passed me and I turned around to see Ben’s dad rigid and holding a screwdriver inserted in the switch on the wall.

Almost the instant I looked over at Ben’s dad, he made what I can only describe as a muffled Grandpa Simpson scream and he broke the circuit with a loud *POP*, the electricity went out and he collapsed to the floor.

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Holy shit! Right after watching Faces of Death, we saw Ben’s father get electrocuted in real life! We were frozen in shock and looked at him for a second before realizing we needed to do something. But before we could even get to our feet we saw Ben’s dad sit straight up and exclaim, “Bloody dickens! I just shocked me fuckin’ self!”

He looked over at us and to see if we had seen his brush with death and he could tell from the horror on our faces, we saw it all. Never breaking a moment from character, he laughed loudly and fell back on the carpeted floor. It was almost a gesture to reassure us that he was okay and a little sorry for scarring us for life.

After a brief moment of levity, we helped him up and Ben ran up to inform his mom that her husband shocked himself and smelled up the basement. She, obviously, went screaming down the stairs and made a huge scene (rightfully so). I had never heard such a wonderful array of British loving profanity.

Ben’s mom carted him off to the emergency room to get looked over. At 49, you don’t take a shock like that and not at least make sure it didn’t toast your heart. Electricity is a funny thing; a lightning strike could just knock you out while a getting toast out of your toaster with a fork could kill you before you hit the floor. Since that innocent, I don’t mess with it. I don’t even trust myself jumping a car and a few years ago I installed a ceiling fan and texted a friend goodbye before I started.

So, that was my dumb story. I will always link to Crystal Pepsi, Faces of Death and electrocution and with the reintroduction of Crystal Pepsi this June. I hope that doesn’t prelude to more electricity incidences.

I am back! Currently I am snowed in so this whole weekend I will be posting videos of me slowly going insane.

 

 

 

13 Days of Christmas: Target Hot Sauce Challenge!

Holy crap I am late but I am here! Apparently Final Cut wanted to be a real asshat and wouldn’t render this video unless I talked to it in baby-talk. Weird, I know.

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The first episode of the 13 Day Christmas Countdown we discuss novelty gifts. You know, the under $20 gifts that you have to bring to holiday parties for dumb games like “Dirty Santa” or “White Elephant”? The type of gifts that twelve-year olds give their siblings who they can’t stand? The crap that is re-gifted nine times until finally someone gets the motivation to throw it away? Ah yes, the Christmas novelty gifts that makes up for 14% of annual Christmas sales.

But there is one gift I might be able to dance with and that is Target’s Hot Sauce Challenge set that ranges from mild to “Blazing Butthole”. (Just kidding about the butthole) Still, unlike 2013’s disappointment of hot sauces I reviewed, this promises something different. A challenge, so to speak. And I accept.

Lucky for me, I enlisted the help of Laura who is by far one of the most easygoing people you will ever meet. What better person than to help me do a hot sauce challenge because those who get upset easily probably shouldn’t be forced to ingest acid and asked how they feel on camera.

Watch and see how this $13.99 pack of ten hot sauce challenge gift compares to the gourmet versions I have come to love. And stay till the end because we do one bonus hot sauce that DJ D almost died over. I will say, that kinda upset Laura. Ah, she’s a trooper.

ALSO! Be sure to like this review, comment below or hashtag #13daysofchristmas and I’ll toss your name in the hat for one of 13 boxes of neat stuff and send it right to you! FREE AWESOME PRESENTS!

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