I have unintentionally labeled myself a pontificating mouth around the department. Whether it is giving advise about personal problems that I have no business giving or sharing stories about past military experiences that usually end with “and that’s why you don’t stick your finger in this”, I am now the go-to guy for all non-essential advise and knowledge. Don’t believe me? Well I came onto shift today and found a dry erase board with the title, “Will-dom Of The Day” on it. My job is to write wise sayings, directed by order of the Chief. Me and my big feed hole.
So, I guess I better practice my Will-dom here so you can see what I am passing on to our men and women of the fire service. Be prepared for enlightenment.
- If you have a black light throw it away. Unless you want to know how much dander your friends have.
- Never trust a guy that 1) shaves his sideburns totally off 2) wears a charmed necklace on the outside of his shirt 3) orders milk with dinner at a fancy restaurant 4) says words “practically” “anyways” and “you know” in every other statement 5) wears a visor upside down and sideways. Actually number five qualifies as a ‘never talk to’.
- Most girls will never see eye to eye with guys when it comes to Star Wars, The Godfather movies, watching golf on TV, that beer qualifies as an appetizer, and large malls should only be visited on December 24th. Just accept this, love them for who they are and the things you share and know deep down in your heart, that they are wrong.
- Cross dressers are people too. It’s ok to laugh just don’t make eye contact with them when you do it. They don’t follow a guy code and have the prerogative to kick you in the balls.
- Like the advice above, if you do feel a laugh coming on, don’t fake a yawn to cover it because it comes across that you are having a stroke and you fool no one.
- Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Unless you have a dolphin obsession and feel the need to wear an airbrushed dolphin shirt from your 1989 Daytona Beach trip.
- When monkeys attack they go for the face, thumbs and genitals first. Still think Virgil from Project X is cute? Yeah, he is. Him and his alligator.
- Try not to make up your own exclamation sayings. Most will never catch on and the shock of the situation will be interrupted by your peers asking, “what the hell did you just say?”. ex.”What the Frippin’ Froop?!?!?” and “Mother Bitch!”.
- Golf is not a sport; it’s a game. I am hard pressed to believe a 230 pound fat guy playing golf while eating a hot dog, drinking beer and smoking a cigar is actively engaged in a sport. Anyone one who disagrees with this notion is welcome to a slap contest at 3:00.
- I have never heard of anyone beating their loved ones while high on pot. At worst someone probably received an angry hug. Why is it still illegal I ask you?
- Why do people put election stickers on their automobiles? How bad would it suck to drive a car with a Gore ’04 sticker on the bumper? I am a firm believer in magnetic bumper signs.
- When you fake a phone call to get out of a situation or conversation, always remember to turn the ringer off.
So what do you think? I say the people the fire department a getting sound words of wisdom free of charge. I think this is a promotable service. I am sucking IQ points straight out their heads and they don’t even know it. Mmwa hahahaha!
So, is bullet two a case of never trust someone who does all those things or is it a person who does any one of those things, because, well…you know…
Golf is a sport if you play it right! It just so happens that most snooty golf courses don’t allow tournament ready autoguns and tracer rounds, golf-carts with V8 engines and 4-wheel drive or a scoreboard to record points based on a sliding scale of garish trouser patterns.
Now that’s more like it. I applaud your creativeness to finally give golf the twist it so desperately needs.
It behooves me, as a woman, to tackle your 3rd point. Cough. Cough.
Star Wars (The original ‘prequel’ series – the newer ones are crap – I don’t care who or what sex you are…) contains muppets, a young Harrison Ford, one of the first princesses who I ever saw fight for anything ever, light sabers and the explosion of a Death Star… What’s not to like? I mean, if you want a serious conversation about quality science fiction I can’t really lump Star Wars in that category but they are full of fabulous entertainment, compelling characters and even if the only special effect had been the words at the beginning receding into space they would have been awesome.
The Godfather movies (I’ve never seen the third cuz the first two are sacred and the third offends me on principal) are fantastic. I may love other movies more (I do love other movies more) but I would have to have four times as many ovaries as I do to not think they are amazingly crafted films. Moreover, I don’t care how obese Brando got – that man had mojo. Serious mojo. The sequence in Italy is beautiful and sad and that moment when Diane Keaton gets totally excluded with the closing of a door… So powerful… So simple… The massacre at the tolls… Seriously? Who doesn’t love that?
You got me with the golf. No clue why anyone would watch that game.
I see absolutely no reason why beer cannot be an appetizer. As is wine, vodka, hard cider, tequila… Food just ruins a buzz and should come later as far as I’m concerned.
Malls are the ninth concentric circle of hell. I am not immune to occasionally buying something nice for myself and making sure that I renew the collection of long or short-sleeved shirts when they get too stained or start to smell, but malls make me sick. LIterally.
Perhaps I should turn in one of my X chromosomes? Either that or you and/or your firefighting compatriots need to get out more. Just sayin’. (wink).
Other than that: “5) wears a visor upside down and sideways. ”
Ba ha ha haaaaa HAAAAAAAAAA
Do people really do that? Clearly I need to get out more too….
I stand corrected at my will-dom of girl hates. I guess there are Star Wars and Godfather girl fans out there after all. And food completely sucks the buzz out of beer. 😀
I saw and enjoyed the original Star Wars trilogy. I have watched only one of the more recent films because Jar Jar Binks was unforgivable.
Godfather movies – #1 was awesome, #2 was good with awesome parts, #3 sucked.
Golf is boring no matter where you watch it.
Beer qualifies as an appetizer unless you’re making me appetizers.
Malls should NEVER be visited. Buy the holiday gifts from Amazon.
It’s nice to see girl-love for the original Star Wars and girl-hate on Jar Jar. I too didn’t care for The Godfather3 because of the director needing to cast his own daughter who sucked duck dick in it. Not literally of course.
Thanks for the visit!
Will, thank you for the laugh this morning… I so badly needed it!!
That’s my job! 😉 Hope you are doing ok!
I’ve never seen a Godfather movie, but I love to watch golf on tv…I learned everything I know from Tiger Woods PGA Tour 06 on xbox.
Gotta see Godfather 1 and 2. I personally was a part 2 fan but I can see why that might get me shunned in certain circles. That’s why I hang with the Who’s Harry Crumb and What About Bob circles.
Heh, I’m the one that likes the prequels AND Godfather 3. Yessa, dat’s right. Alternatively, every time I get out, they pull me back in 😉
It doesn’t surprise me at all that you can’t help but earn a platform for your wisdom.
You’re right. That is a great line. And when the guy gets shot through the hand in the face. Killer. Thanks Squee! I’m going to pop over and ooh and aww at your creative lunches. I still think they deserve a spot on the Food Network.
Project X made me cry hysterically :-(.
I think you should charge your lucky co-workers 5 cents like Lucy from Peanuts. My keyboard doesn’t have a cents symbol. Is that normal?
The music in the movie makes me misty. Just a little.
I don’t have a cent key either. I think you have to go to a Microsoft word program and use the tool to symbol pull down for that option. Whoa, I sound like I knew what I was talking about. scary
You a very wise, William-son. What is your take on the “cough over an insult” thing? I don’t think it is funny anymore, personally, but would like to hear your thoughts.
I agree with Allison on Project X – I cry every time when that old monkey is about to get blasted and he just looks so pitiful sitting there not knowing what is going to happen to him. It is so sad.
what the frippin froop are you trying to say?
I’ll let the ladies slide on not liking Star Wars movies, but I defy anyone to watch the first two Godfathers and not see the sheer genius that went into crafting those. Cinema doesn’t get much better than that.
Once again, you had me in stitches here. I’m coming to you for sagely advice from here on out. I guess it falls on me to confess now that I shave my sideburns clean off. Always have. I hope that doesn’t kill any of my credibility.
nice observations. the first ever political sticker I put on my car was Obama. I’ve only been driving through 3 elections. i was too apathetic during 2000, kerry was too much of a clown in 04. anyway, I always thought they were silly looking, but this year, being a winner, I feel good about keeping that sticker on the car. If I’d lost, I think we’d all be dead by now anyhow.