13 Days of Christmas: Target Hot Sauce Challenge!

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Holy crap I am late but I am here! Apparently Final Cut wanted to be a real asshat and wouldn’t render this video unless I talked to it in baby-talk. Weird, I know.

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The first episode of the 13 Day Christmas Countdown we discuss novelty gifts. You know, the under $20 gifts that you have to bring to holiday parties for dumb games like “Dirty Santa” or “White Elephant”? The type of gifts that twelve-year olds give their siblings who they can’t stand? The crap that is re-gifted nine times until finally someone gets the motivation to throw it away? Ah yes, the Christmas novelty gifts that makes up for 14% of annual Christmas sales.

But there is one gift I might be able to dance with and that is Target’s Hot Sauce Challenge set that ranges from mild to “Blazing Butthole”. (Just kidding about the butthole) Still, unlike 2013’s disappointment of hot sauces I reviewed, this promises something different. A challenge, so to speak. And I accept.

Lucky for me, I enlisted the help of Laura who is by far one of the most easygoing people you will ever meet. What better person than to help me do a hot sauce challenge because those who get upset easily probably shouldn’t be forced to ingest acid and asked how they feel on camera.

Watch and see how this $13.99 pack of ten hot sauce challenge gift compares to the gourmet versions I have come to love. And stay till the end because we do one bonus hot sauce that DJ D almost died over. I will say, that kinda upset Laura. Ah, she’s a trooper.

ALSO! Be sure to like this review, comment below or hashtag #13daysofchristmas and I’ll toss your name in the hat for one of 13 boxes of neat stuff and send it right to you! FREE AWESOME PRESENTS!

13 Days Of Christmas

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It’s 13 days till Christmas! It’s practically here!

That’s right, you freaks, we are creeping our way down to the day of Christmas when we get loaded on eggnog, open gifts and watch The Christmas Story 12 times in a row and smash the hand of anyone who dares change the channel. (Sorry about last year, Grandma) With the busy life and time of your’s truly and the crash landing of the Halloween Hell Show, I figured committing 13 days is way more doable than an entire month. But don’t fret, we have lots in store and 13 videos too! I can say that with certainty since most are already shot.

OH! I am also doing a few horror gift giveaways to brighten your Christmas season. Each will be different and announced on Twitter so if you don’t follow me, you might want to. Details will follow on the first prize announced tomorrow.

So, get ready for the unholy number of days as we countdown to Christmas day and have the time of our life doing it. Bring it in. I have hugs for you.

Until the official start (late tonight) spread your love of the holiday and checkout Matt’s annual holiday fantasmo over at DinosaurDracula. It’s tradition, mang.

 

 

The Damn Double Down Is Back

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I know it’s been a while since I have done another installment of “For A Limited Time Only” and for good reason. Between travel and the awful situation with my little dog buddy, there hasn’t been too much time for anything. But I am not going to let this one escape the vault of limited time items just because it’s too ridiculous not to include. The infamous KFC “Double Down” is back for a short time and it wants to kill you.

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I am not going to lie to you, I was a little embarrassed ordering this thing. I’ll explain what it is in a minute, just incase you are unfamiliar, but I almost wanted to ask for a vegetable to balance out the order. KFC, however, scoffs at the thought of anything good for you so I was forced to look like the guy who just doesn’t give a shit. (I also had a Texas Pete stain on my shirt which I found later this evening. Class act)

The Double Down is the fast food’s middle finger to the FDA, American Heart Association and Surgeon General. Since its inception back in 2010, it’s been called everything from the “Fankensandwich” to “the worst thing freedom has to offer”. Personally, I find it fascinating. Not because it has an entire days worth of sodium and weeks worth of saturated fat, but because there are people out there who will eat this as a low carb option. You know, to lose weight?

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“Jesus wept”

There she is. All 580 calories and it’s packed in a cute little box. Deconstructing the “sandwich” you have two fried chicken breasts, two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese and the Colonel’s secret sauce. Alone, these items seem harmless but when their forces combine they become the Double Down, champion of a fat ass.

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This is what it looks like to laugh in the face of danger. I tried it and I am still here. No better; no worse. The taste is exactly what I expected given the nutritional facts before hand. Just one bite (and I only had one bite) required a bottle of water from the sodium shock. And believe it or not, this comes in a grilled version however it has more sodium than the abomination you see above. That’s right, the Colonel has a plan of doom for everyone. Even the delusional who think they are healthier going the grilled route.

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I didn’t think eating a bite would harm me but I have heard the mere sight of this sandwich causes a rare form of sudden obesity. I don’t believe any of tha-

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Aw shit…

PETER LOOK AWAY!

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Sorry, man. Looks like the urban legend is true.

 

 

McBoo Pails…Sort Of.

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As a kid nothing signified that Halloween was truly here like the launch of the McDonald’s Boo Pales. I am guessing the first ones came out around 1986 which carried strong all the way through the 90’s and then something happened. Maybe kids got fat and Burger University did a study and came to the conclusion that tradition and awesomeness was to blame? Whatever the reason, the Boo Pails disappeared for a few years leaving me sad and broken with nowhere to put candy that it can marinate in french fry smell. But luckily for us nostalgia nuts, they brought them back in the mid-2000’s. Happy days were had by all until now, 2013.

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What the Hell is this? What does this have to do with Halloween? WHO SOLD THEIR SOUL TO DISNEY AND….GIRL TOY MAKER? You can actually hear the boardroom conversation where McDonald executives laugh evilly as they award contracts to Monster High, Star Wars, Lucas Film Ltd and Angry Birds. This sucks and I hate it.

And that is when I need to remind myself I am in my mid-30’s and what is neat to a six-year-old is probably total dog shit to me. I just hate when companies like these ride on the Halloween wave with no intention of giving a nod to the holiday. Or the people who made them a success.

Well, since I bought two of them I might as well see what they are all about.

Let us start with the girl bucket. (Or boy bucket if they so choose. I wouldn’t but that’s me.) From the Monster High toy line we see Frankie Stein and her diva face performing a hip 1960’s dance with a severed arm. Okay, I guess that is a little Halloween but it’s also clearly a year-round toy line so, I am sorry, it does not count.

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Inside the bucket we have the same old Happy Meal that you can get in April; a tiny french fry, burger or chicken nugget, apples and small drink. McDonald’s cuts a corner with the toy but does provide stickers which I am sure all parents will be chiseling off the TV and a link to a phone app where kids can play a game. This will make parents even happier. RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE SARCASM RABBLE RABBLE.

The Angry Bird Star Wars  bucket is exactly the same; stickers to be stuck somewhere and phone apps to smudge apple-sticky fingers on mom and dad’s iPhone screen. I don’t feel I need to give a side by side comparison.

 

The app is the only real Halloween themed part of the pails this year. I guess I am okay with this but McDonald’s really doesn’t hide the fact it’s all about low overhead. It’s as if the entire American society blamed little Fat Fatty Kevin’s obesity on puppet McNuggets dressed in Halloween costumes and demanded McDonald’s be lame and provide fruit.

Oh…wait. They actually did.

Let’s take a look at the app. Maybe there is some soul preserving qualities here.

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“Hey kids, this is advertising!”

Noooo shit, McDonald’s. I guess it’s just a little funny to see them state that in such a way. It’s even funnier that they are addressing kids when clearly it’s meant for adults (with no life) who care.

Okay, I feel the spooky vibe they are giving here. It’s very much like an Angry Bird skill where you pull the ball back and try to land it in the cauldron using trajectory and a bit of gentle skill. The hilarity begins when you have to collect vegetables, protein and fruit. Notice how the protein is a fish?

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Who does McDonalds think they are? I bought two buckets to write this review and Lord knows I don’t have any self-control so I ate two tiny fries, a hamburger, four chicken nuggets, two sprites and half an apple that I am sure is 40% preserves. Absolutely nothing in this meal is good for me or for my diet (yes, I am on a diet) so to have a game where you need to collect a carrot, a fish and a pear gives me the giggles. Sorry McD’s, you ain’t health no matter what you shove at kids. Sure, deep-fried meat pellets have protein but they also have fat-butt.

In conclusion I will say, I looked forward to what McDonalds was going to bring to the season since August. Not that I feel good about buying kids meals at 11pm and getting the weird eye from the McDonalds employee who HAS ONLY ONE EYE but I feel that a bit of my childhood is alive in Boo Pales and kids of today should experience them without having shit they already enjoy everyday plastered all over it. LET IT BE HALLOWEEN AND UNHEALTHY! IT WON’T KILL ANYONE!

D Minus. Try again next year.

 

 

 

Four Drinks That Are Terrible For You. But Fun.

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I think this is a good time to write this particular post since I am beyond exhausted after a hellish trip to nowhere. Literally, I ended up nowhere only to come into work destroyed and ready for another weekend. I half blame US Air and half blame the fucking asshole who took my briefcase when I was shutting my eyes after not sleeping for a day. But that is history and now I want to tell you about themed energy drinks from pop culture gold. Ba-zing.

I found these tucked in the far back aisle of the Five Below store. If you are unfamiliar with the Five Below store, it’s like a general store but specifically for an eleven-year-old girl. Why was I there, you ask? I needed 3 foot long Twizzlers and I heard they sold them. They did. But in that endeavor, I also found these.

Okay, let’s get this one out-of-the-way. I know almost nothing about My Little Ponies and to be honest, I needed a tough and macabre background just to save a little dignity for this site. But who am I kidding, I kissed dignity bye-bye a long time ago. You will notice the Famous Monsters magazine from an older post as the backdrop and 3-D Monster dot com’s art in sticker form below the can. I say that makes up for a girl toy.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash’s Fizzy Cherry Splash energy drink is something you never want to feed a kid. Why it exists at all, I have no idea. It is a pink sour drink that only has a purpose to quickly transport 28 grams of sugar into the veins for an instant up and a terrible crash. If you give this to an eight year old girl she will grow a beard, jump on the roof and start singing “Strange Love” by Depeche Mode until the high disappears leaving her trapped on the roof. Then you will need to throw up another can but she will only be chasing the dragon, much like what Rainbow Dash is appeared to be doing. It’s a sad and twisted cycle. But what do you expect when you read “Hasbro” on the side of an edible product?

To sum this up, take a cherry Otter Pop and melt it. Then add a wee little bit of carbonation and ta-da, you have Fizzy Cherry Splash. And it will kill you.

Here we are! Pac-Man will always save the day when it comes to weird novelty items. There is something that is timeless about the big ol’ wheel of ghost eating cheese. I never got into the spinoff cartoon or future video games that expanded on the Pac-Man universe so it’s hard for me to really understand his diet. I guess it was primarily ghost sheets, an occasional cherry and a lot of Kix cereal? But we are drifting from the drink.

It’s not quiet as in-your-face-terrible-for-you like the My Little Pony energy drink because this one actually has vitamin B and B12. Not a lot but hey, even 1% is better than none. The flavor is pretty tough to put a finger on especially when the color hints at cherry but it’s not. The can doesn’t even help. The closest guess I had was either cyanocobalamin or hydrochloride. HYDROCHLORIDE??? What the fuck am I drinking? Isn’t that what takes the algae off house siding? What ever it is, the taste is closest to Juicy Fruit. Poisonous, poisonous Juicy Fruit.

Power up with Nintendo Power! Boy, if there is something that will get me to look away from a burning car for a second it’s a glimpse of Nintendo nostalgia. It’s not that I was really into Nintendo growing up all that much (unless you are talking about Super Mario 2) but it’s just gets me warm and fuzzy. And the thought of getting a real 1up in a can from Mario makes me warmer.

God, that last sentence doesn’t sound good.

Upon tasting this Power Up energy drink it was equally mysterious in flavor. So I compared the Pac-Man drink against this one and it was like comparing two blank sheets of paper. Then I realized I am an idiot and confirmed both energy drinks are the exact same. I felt like I had been looking for my sunglasses in the house and being pissed off at how dark things are only to find them. On my face.

Yes folks, it’s all in the packaging so if you want to know how this energy drink tastes, try to remember what you just read above.

This next drink deserves a little more attention. So I shot a video.

Well folks, there you have it. A few energy drinks from iconic 80’s and 90’s pop culture and it only cost me a year off my life and possible tooth abrasion. I do it all for you.

The evil geniuses behind these drinks are the good people of Boston America Corp. I guess I should thank them.