What Are YOU Watching?

Poltergeist

If there is one thing I love about this season it is the fact that movies like Cabin In The Woods will be airing on random weekday mornings for the duration on October. Channels like AMC or Freeform (formerly ABC Family Channel) have their annual Halloween horror programing starting as early as the first of October. It’s such a treat to see what spooky films will share time slots with The View giving me a great excuse to work from home.

Thanks to the geniuses over at Nerd Much, we have gotten an early program guide for AMC, SYFY, Turner Classic Movies, and Freeform.  Sure, with subscriptions to Shudder, Netflix and Amazon Prime we can watch most of these without commercial interruptions and Reagan won’t be saying “your funting, daughter” but I think it’s a little more special to watch these scares on primetime with McDonald’s commercials every fifteen minutes.

Below are the scheduled times and dates (all Eastern Standard). So get your calendars out and start cancelling plans early because have horror movies to watch!

Monday: October 1st

  • Resident Evil (Syfy at 2:30PM)
  • ParaNorman (Freeform at 5PM)
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 7:10PM)
  • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 8:50PM)
  • ParaNorman (Freeform at 12AM)
  • Tuesday: October 2nd

    • Sorority Row (Syfy at 1:30PM)
    • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 5PM)
    • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 6:30PM)
    • Monster’s University (Freeform at 8:30PM)
    • Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (1971) (Freeform at 12AM)

    Wednesday: October 3rd

    • Silent House (Syfy at 1PM)
    • Willy Wonka (1971) (Freeform at 4PM)
    • Monsters University (Freeform at 6:30PM)
    • American Psycho (Syfy at 7PM)
    • Monster House (Freeform at 9PM)
    • The Monster (1925) (TCM at 10:45PM)
    • The Final Girls (Freeform at 12AM)

    Thursday: October 4th

    • ParaNorman (Freeform at 5PM)
    • Insidious (Syfy at 6:30PM)
    • Monster House (Freeform at 7PM)
    • The Addams Family (1991) (Freeform at 9PM)
    • Teen Spirit (Freeform at 12AM)

    Friday: October 5th

    • Into the Dark (Hulu)
    • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Freeform at 3:30PM)
    • The Addams Family (1991) (Freeform at 6:10PM)
    • The Goonies (Freeform at 8:20PM)
    • Z Nation Season 5 Premiere (Syfy at 9:00PM)
    • Van Helsing Season 3 Premiere (Syfy at 10:00PM)
    • The Breakfast Club (Freeform at 12AM)
    • Deadly Friend (1986) (TCM at 2:00AM)
    • Demon Seed (1977) (TCM at 3:45AM)
    • Saturday: October 6th

      • Monster House (Freeform at 10:10AM)
      • Willy Wonka (1971) (Freeform at 12:20PM)
      • The Haunted Mansion (Freeform at 2:50PM)
      • The Thing From Another World (1951) (TCM at 4:15PM)
      • The Goonies (Freeform at 4:55PM)
      • Cabin in the Woods (Syfy at 5PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 7:35PM)
      • No Escape Room (Syfy at 9:00PM)
      • Maleficent (Freeform at 9:45PM)
      • Cabin Fever (Syfy at 11PM)
      • Warm Bodies (Freeform at 11:50PM)

      Sunday: October 7th

      • Monster House (Freeform at 7AM)
      • Willy Wonka (Freeform at 9:10AM)
      • The Haunted Mansion (Freeform at 11:40AM)
      • Alice in Wonderland (Freeform at 1:50PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 4:25PM)
      • Maleficent (Freeform at 6:35PM)
      • The Mummy’s Hand (1940) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Sweeney Todd (Freeform at 8:40PM)
      • The Walking Dead Season 9 Premiere (AMC at 9:00PM )
      • Dark Shadows (2012) (Freeform at 11:20PM)
      • Fright Night (Syfy at 11:25PM)

      Monday: October 8th

      • Sweeney Todd (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Dark Shadows (Freeform at 6:30PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 9PM)
      • Clue (Freeform at 12AM)

      Tuesday: October 9th

      • Jurassic Park (Freeform at 3PM)
      • The Addams Famly (Freeform at 6PM)
      • The Quiet Ones (Syfy at 9PM)
      • Warm Bodies (Freeform at 12AM)

      Wednesday: October 10th

      • The Lost World: Jurassic Park (Freeform at 3PM)
      • Lights Out (Syfy at 7:15PM)
      • The Devil’s Bride (1968) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Truth or Dare (Syfy at 8:30PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 9PM)
      • Horror of Dracula (1958) (TCM at 10:00PM)
      • Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1965) (TCM at 11:30PM)
      • ParaNorman (Freeform at 12AM)
      • Horror Hotel (1960) (TCM at 1:15AM)
      • The Face of Fu Manchu (1965) (TCM at 2:45AM)
      • Rasputin, the Mad Monk (1966) (TCM at 4:30AM)

      Thursday: October 11th

      • Light as a Feather (Hulu)
      • ParaNorman (Freeform at 4:30PM)
      • The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Syfy at 5PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 6:40PM)
      • The Boxtrolls (Freeform at 12AM)

      Friday: October 12th

      • The Haunting of Hill House (Netflix)
      • Leatherface (Syfy at 7PM)

      Saturday: October 13th

      • ParaNorman (Freeform at 7AM)
      • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 1:15PM)
      • The Seventh Victim (1943) (TCM at 2:15PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 2:50PM)
      • CUCUY: The Boogeyman (Syfy at 7:00PM)
      • Monsters, Inc (Freeform at 7:25PM)
      • Karma (Syfy at 9:00PM)
      • Monsters University (Freeform at 9:30PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 12AM)

      Sunday: October 14th

      • Sweeney Todd (Freeform at 7AM)
      • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 9:30AM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 11:10AM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 1:15PM)
      • Decorating Disney: Halloween Magic (Freeform at 8PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 9PM)
      • The Robot vs. the Aztech Mummy (1958) (TCM at 10:45PM)

      Monday: October 15th

      • The Black Hole (1979) (TCM at 12:15AM)
      • ParaNorman (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 6PM)
      • Monster House (Freeform at 12AM)

      Tuesday: October 16th

      • Decorating Disney: Halloween Magic (Freeform at 3:30PM)
      • Monster House (Freeform at 4:30PM)
      • Willy Wonka (Freeform at 6:30PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 8:55PM)

      Wednesday: October 17th

      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 6:30PM)
      • The Old Dark House (1932) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Sweeney Todd (Freeform at 8:30PM)
      • The Walking Dead (1936) (TCM at 9:30PM)
      • Isle of the Dead (1945) (TCM at 10:45PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 12AM)
      • Bedlam (1946) (TCM at 12:15AM)
      • Die, Monster, Die! (1965) (TCM at 1:45AM)
      • The Sorcerers (1967) (TCM at 3:15AM)
      • The Terror (1963) (TCM at 5:00AM)

      Thursday: October 18th

      • Sweeney Todd (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Dark Shadows (Freeform at 6:30PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 9PM)
      • Maggie (Freeform at 12AM)

      Friday: October 19th

      • Lore Season 2 (Amazon Prime Video)
      • Dark Shadows (Freeform at 3:30PM)
      • The Goonies (Freeform at 6:10PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 8:50PM)
      • Monster House (Freeform at 12AM)
      • Dreamscape (1984) (TCM at 2:00AM)

      Saturday: October 20

      • Monster House (Freeform at 7AM)
      • ParaNorman (Freeform at 9:05AM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 11:10AM)
      • The Goonies (Freeform at 1:20PM)
      • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 5:35PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 7:40PM)
      • Killer High (Syfy at 9:00PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 9:50PM)
      • The Haunted Mansion (Freeform at 11:55PM)

      Sunday: October 21

      • Paranorman (Freeform at 7AM)
      • Spooky Buddies (Freeform at 9AM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 11:05AM)
      • The Haunted Mansion (Freeform at 1:15PM)
      • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 3:20PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 5PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 7:05PM)
      • The Mummy (1959) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Maleficent (Freeform at 9:15PM)
      • The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb (1964) (TCM at 9:45PM)
      • Pharaoh’s Curse (1957) (TCM at 11:15PM)
      • Sweeney Todd (Freeform at 11:20PM)
      • Eyes Without a Face (1959) (TCM at 2:30AM)

      Monday: October 22

      • Maleficent (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 6:10PM)
      • The Witches of Eastwick (Freeform at 8:20PM)
      • Son of Frankenstein (1939) (TCM at 9:00PM)
      • Warm Bodies (Freeform at 12AM)
      • The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) (TCM at 12:00AM)
      • Frankenstein Created Woman (1967) (TCM at 1:30AM)
      • Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed! (1970) (TCM at 3:15AM)

      Tuesday: October 23

      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 4PM)
      • The Witches of Eastwick (Freeform at 6:10PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 8:50PM)
      • Monster House (Freeform at 12AM)

      Wednesday: October 24

      • Decorating Disney: Halloween Magic (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Monster House (Freeform at 5PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 7PM)
      • White Zombie (1932) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 9PM)
      • Mark of the Vampire (1935) (TCM at 9:15PM)
      • Spooky Buddies (Freeform at 12AM)
      • The Devil Bat (1940) (TCM at 1:30AM)
      • The Corpse Vanishes (1942) (TCM at 2:45AM)
      • Bowery at Midnight (1942) (TCM at 5:15AM)

      Thursday: October 25

      • The Canterville Ghost (1944) (TCM at 9:45AM)
      • Jurassic Park (Freeform at 4PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 7PM)
      • The Haunted Mansion (Freeform at 9PM)
      • The Final Girls (Freeform at 12AM)

      Friday: October 26

      • The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (Netflix)
      • Castlevania Season 2 (Netflix)
      • Jurassic Park (Freeform at 12:30PM)
      • The Lost World: Jurassic Park (Freeform at 3:35PM)
      • The Haunted Mansion (Freeform at 6:40PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 8:50PM)
      • Channel Zero: Dream Door (Syfy at 11PM)
      • Teen Spirit (Freeform at 12AM)

      Saturday: October 27

      • 7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964) (TCM at 6:00AM)
      • Dark Shadows (Freeform at 7AM)
      • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Freeform at 9:40AM)
      • The Adams Family (Freeform at 12:20PM)
      • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941) (TCM at 2:15PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 2:30PM)
      • Monsters Inc (Freeform at 4:40PM)
      • The Power (1968) (TCM at 6:00PM)
      • Monsters University (Freeform at 6:50PM)
      • Dead in the Water (Syfy at 9:00PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 9:20PM)
      • Toy Story of TERROR! (Freeform at 11:25PM)
      • ParaNorman (Freeform at 11:55PM)
      • House of Dark Shadows (1970) (TCM at 1:30AM)
      • Night of Dark Shadows (1971) (TCM at 3:30AM)
      • Black Cats and Broomsticks (1955) (TCM at 5:30AM)

      Sunday: October 28

      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 9:40AM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 11:50AM)
      • Toy Story of TERROR! (Freeform at 2PM)
      • Monsters Inc (Freeform at 2:30PM)
      • Monsters University (Freeform at 4:35PM)
      • Hotel Transylvania (Freeform at 7:05PM)
      • The Mummy’s Shroud (1967) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb (1971) (TCM at 10:00PM)
      • The Goonies (Freeform at 11:20PM)

      Monday: October 29

      • Children of the Damned (1963) (TCM at 10:00AM)
      • Village of the Damned (1961) (TCM at 11:45AM)
      • What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) (TCM at 1:15PM)
      • Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte (1964) (TCM at 3:45PM)
      • The Goonies (Freeform at 4:30PM)
      • The Nanny (1965) (TCM at 6:15PM)
      • Island of Lost Souls (1932) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1932) (TCM at 9:15PM)
      • 25th Anniversary Release: The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 9:20PM)
      • Mad Love (1935) (TCM at 11:00PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 12AM)
      • The Fly (1958) (TCM at 12:15AM)
      • The Frozen Dead (1967) (TCM at 4:15AM)

      Tuesday: October 30

      • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1920 Silent Film) (TCM at 6:00AM)
      • The Magician (1926) (TCM at 7:15AM)
      • The Devil-Doll (1936) (TCM at 10:15AM)
      • The Mysterious Island (1929) (TCM at 11:45AM)
      • Doctor X (1932) (TCM at 1:30PM)
      • The Return of Doctor X (1939) (TCM at 3:00PM)
      • King Kong (1933) (TCM at 4:15PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 4:40PM)
      • Things to Come (1936) (TCM at 6:15PM)
      • The Nightmare Before Christmas (Freeform at 6:45PM)
      • Toy Story of TERROR! (Freeform at 8:25PM)
      • The Addams Family (Freeform at 8:55PM)
      • Warm Bodies (Freeform at 12AM)
      • Night of the Living Dead (1968) (TCM at 2:45AM)
      • The Plague of the Zombies (1966) (TCM at 4:30AM)

      Wednesday: October 31 Happy Halloween

      • Hands of a Stranger (1962) (TCM at 6:00AM)
      • Dementia 13 (1963) (TCM at 7:30AM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 7:30AM)
      • Carnival of Souls (1962) (TCM at 10:15AM)
      • Toy Story of TERROR! (Freeform at 11AM)
      • Decorating Disney: Halloween Magic (Freeform at 11:30AM)
      • Spirits of the Dead (1968) (TCM at 11:45AM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 12:30PM)
      • From Beyond the Grave (1973) (TCM at 2:00PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 2:40PM)
      • Black Sabbath (1963) (TCM at 4:00PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 4:45PM)
      • Dead of Night (1945) (TCM at 6:00PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 6:50PM)
      • House of Wax (1953) (TCM at 8:00PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 8:55PM)
      • Pit and the Pendulum (1961) (TCM at 9:45PM)
      • Masque of the Red Death (1964) (TCM at 11:15PM)
      • Hocus Pocus (Freeform at 12AM)
      • House on Haunted Hill (1958) (TCM at 1:00AM)
      • Theatre of Blood (1973) (TCM at 2:30AM)
      • The Last Man on Earth (1964) (TCM at 4:30AM)
      • Halloween 5: The Revenge (AMC at 1:30AM EST)
      • Halloween 6: The Curse (AMC at 3:30AM EST)
      • THe Invasion of Neptune Men (AMC at 5:30AM EST)
      • Hocus Pocus (FF at 7:30AM ET)
      • Halloween 4: The Return (AMC at 9AM EST)
      • Halloween 5: The Revenge (AMC at 11AM EST)
      • Hocus Pocus Marathon (FF at noon – 11PM ET)
      • Halloween 6: The Curse (AMC at 1PM EST)
      • Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (AMC at 3PM EST)
      • Halloween II (AMC at 5PM EST)
      • Halloween (AMC at 7:30PM EST)
      • Stan Against Evil (IFC)
      • Halloween 4: The Return (AMC at 9:30PM EST)
      • Halloween 5: The Revenge (AMC at 11:30PM EST)

The Noun Game….FROM HELL! Part 1

 

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When I was a kid my family used to play games to pass the time during long car trips. Anything to keep Mom from playing the Les Miserables cassette for the fifteenth time. One of those games was “The Noun Game” and how you play is someone choses a person, place or thing that is relevant to the surroundings. The other players have twenty questions and only three guesses before the person with the secret noun wins that round. It passed the time, at least until All Things Considered came on the radio.

I was up late last night doing hours of video editing for this Hell Show and for some reason I started thinking about that game and what would the Noun Game be like if I had to go into the deepest caverns of my fears. I am not talking about Jason from Friday the 13th or even Linda Blair but far far more disturbing. The kind of uneasy scare that seems to put a gloom over the day and causes one to watch the Boomerang channel for a solid eight hours to wash the “ick” off your mind.

Here in my NOUN GAME FROM HELL!

Person: Shaye St. John

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Traveling down the wormhole of YouTube, you are bound to run into many odd things but nothing compares to Eric Fournier’s creation of a tragic shell of a model/starlet who was hit by a train and then subjected to psychological experiments by the CIA. To call these series of videos weird who be an understatement like dropping a chainsaw on your lap and calling it a boo boo. This taps into some of my more primal fears: mannequins.

I know that the creator died a few years ago but I don’t want to research much more into that. When one searches too much into something it takes the sting out of it. I like to think of it as the movie Tourist Trap but for real. The bizarre nature of these videos and settings are played out as if I am actually watching my nightmares on the computer. Art can be scary and this is fucking scary art.

Places: Monster Plantation at Six Flags, Georgia

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Nothing creeps me out more than when something is meant to be cute and charming but comes off as disturbing and grotesque. Like sweet creatures who lure you in and win you over with kindness then tear you limb from limb. The dark ride, Monster Plantation (now Monster Mansion) was one of those rides that had me wide-eyed as a kid and invaded my nightmares.

Just like many dark ride, you tour the animatronic maze in a boat with herky-jerky monsters who sing songs and talk indirectly to you. It is lighthearted but that was the scariest part for me. There was something unsettling in nature like these things could come off track and tear off someones head. I have irrational fears so if you want to stop reading now, I wouldn’t blame you. But do me a favor and at least watch this awesome video someone made from years ago. Am I crazy?

Thing: “It’s A Good Life” from The Twilight Zone: The Movie

The one thing about being a child in the early to mid-eighties is when it came to sic-fi and horror, that shit was real. I mean, not real in life but someone actually made the things that had us turn our head away in horror from the screen. It was a tangible effect that came from the mind of an artist and used to cause years of sleepless nights. I won’t say that today’s standards are less scary but I will say back then, the heart was in it.

Joe Dante directed this chapter of The Twilight Zone Movie and his adaptation made the skin crawl. The story is of an innocent teacher who by accident, becomes gets entangled with one brat of a kid. To make matters worse, he has telekinetic powers and can wish for anything we wants. When she drives him home she finds that his entire family is held hostage to his will and now she is too.

What tips the scale and qualifies for this noun game is close to the end when the Uncle Walt, played brilliantly by Kevin McCarthy, is asked to do a trick and what follows is a series of horrific monsters that are dreamed up by this sadistic little asshole. And what really shines it on is the Merry Melodies theme playing in the background! I mean, talk about mixing childhood love with doom!

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The monsters kept evolving into some of the most hideous and insane animatronics imaginable. I have to say, whoever was on that set back then probably didn’t want to be the one to shut down at night.

So that is Part 1 of THE NOUN GAME FROM HELL. Part 2 is coming soon to a computer, tablet or phone near you but until then, what are some of your scariest nouns? I want to hear them. They have to be the ones that disturb you the most! Those are the rules.

And so It Begins…

Welcome to the annual Halloween Hell Show or formerly known as The Halloween Countdown. This year will be something that will shift the idea that Halloween is just a holiday and not a season. Oh no, this ghoulish holiday season will be touted from the highest mausoleums and abandoned church bells, letting all good people know that orange is the new black and visa versa. We don’t mess around here at VeggieMacare during the season which specters roam the hollow and devils rap at the backdoor. Oh no, this is the time to embrace the macabre that most shy away from. The sights and sounds which kept us up at night, forcing closet lights to remain lit,  will be faced during the next few weeks. Today, September first, Halloween has begun.

So, with that said, what are we doing this year? Oh boy oh boy, let me fill you in!

PLACES!

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I am one of those jerks who has to see it to believe it. From shows like Ghost Adventures to Unsolved Mysteries, I go to quite a lot spooky destinations that I have always wanted to visit and a few really left me not only scratching my head but actually frightened.

MOVIES!

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What is Halloween without scary movies? That’s like Christmas without a tree! In a new video-cast , I will be bringing you many many many spooky films that you have to include in you Halloween celebration. Some are the ones you have always known and probably not. Either way, you will be enlightened and entertained. I hope.

JOINT OPERATION BLOGGER!

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You can’t have 100% fun without friends. Boy, do I have friends. This season I am combining forces with some of the best people on the planet who have as much fun with this season as I do. Some who you might know and others you will be introduced to. Your friends and are my friends and my friends are your friends so keep your eyes peeled because you might just see yourself!

REVIEWS!

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Nothing beats the new products of Halloween. NOTHING! From the much anticipated monster cereals to the always disappointing Jones Soda cans every trip to the grocery store is an adventure. Any aisle can bring spooky delights so when you go to the store for shampoo, don’t be surprised if you come home with a 6′ skeleton pirate. (True story) It’s all apart of the fun of Halloween.

This intro is a little light but trust me, in like a lamb and out like a lion is how I want this year to be. (Unlike everything else on this site) So kick back and WELCOME TO THE HALLOWEEN HELL SHOW.

The Amityville Horror Gingerbread House

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Hello all and welcome to another long-awaited entry to the Holiday Hell Show. This weekend I decided to step outside of both my comfort zone and my man card zone to construct a gingerbread house. I am not very crafty but when inspiration strikes I try not to ignore it because who knows when or if it will strike again. On Saturday, I listened. Here’s what happened.

For the longest time I have been a huge fan of Ray Keim and the website, Haunted Dimensions. All you need is thick weight paper, a color printer, some glue and scissors and with a little kindergarten recollection, you will have a 3-D model of your favorite horror setting. It’s the nerd in me that makes me want to stand on street corners and shout the website url over and over until the government wraps me in blankets and leads me into a padded van.

So, on Friday I was in my office struggling for something different to cover for the website because, that is what I should be doing at work, right?! Then it hit me. Kinda like this. Why don’t I use Haunted Dimensions as the model for a gingerbread house? It had to work. It just had to! And what better design than the famous 1975 horror classic, The Amityville Horror. It was a movie that terrified me as a child and fascinated me as an adult.

HOOOOKAY! Now, I have never successfully constructed a gingerbread house. The last time I attempted was in Tiger Scouts back when Ronald Reagan was in his first term so it has been awhile. I still remember it today. We had to cover an orange juice container with icing and stick gram crackers to the sides to make it look like a house. I can’t remember the details but I do remember having to be hosed off in the driveway of the scout parking lot. So, this project manager doesn’t have a very good legacy of success.

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Here’s the plan. I have the layout of the Amityville House and in my mind, all I had to do was cut out the pieces, build the model, find gingerbread flat sheets, paste them on top and decorate as I desire. Seems easy, right? Yeah, no way. First problem was the fact that no one sells flat sheets of gingerbread. I don’t know if I made this up in my mind but I could have sworn that’s a thing. It is not.

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So, I had to bake the sheets from mother furkin’ scratch. I’m not lying, I had the iPad on the counter with YouTube guiding me through the basics of gingerbread making. There were eggs and warm butter and flour. It was Hell.

WHEN YOU SAY BAKING I SAY FUCK!

BAKING!

FUCK!

BAKING!

FUCK!

But, I made it and it actually came out okay. The size was right and using the model for shapes worked out surprisingly well. I only burned myself four times which is as rare as getting hit by a meteorite especially when pans are involved.

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So, while waiting for the building materials to cool I set out to construct the model. I figured it would be easy to just glue the gingerbread pieces to the model rather than thinking silly thoughts like making this 100% edible. I was going for looks here. Plus, if people knew what went into my baking procedures, they wouldn’t dream of eating this.

The model is very easy to build but unfortunately, I fail at scissor. I always have because it is half patience and it is half skill, both of which I neither have nor desire. So, not all pieces fit perfectly. There were some jamming and cursing that went into the skeleton but eventually it did come together. After all, it would be covered by gingerbread, frosting and Satanism.

Funny story, while I was finishing the model I heard a ruckus right outside the house. Immediately I went in search of my cat because she isn’t fixed and has been desperately trying to escape to find a male suitor. Well, somehow she succeeded. I don’t know how she did it but she did and was having loud cat sex in the driveway. Let me lend you advice, my friends. Never break up cat sex. There will be blood. And there was.

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A bit later after bandaging both hands and placing my cat in solitary confinement, I was back to proceed with construction. I figured the best way to glue the walls of the house was to keep constant pressure and no better way to do so than place four brake rotors around the structure because they can at least do something until I put them on my car. That’s another project.

It worked so freaking well I can’t even say more. Things like this never work well for me. Usually I get this far only to place kick the project in the backyard and go back to the couch to sulk in the warm glow of cable cooking shows. Maybe my crafty ways are coming back. I mean, my Christmas Sweater article from 2008 still gets like 600 hits a day thanks to Pintrest.

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Oh the roof was the part I was having the most anxiety about. It’s an odd New England style home and that type of roof doesn’t translate in Candy Land. I baked four gingerbread strips and glued them to the model roof. Thank God I didn’t already add the model roof because there was no way for the strips to stick at that angle. So I placed them on the roof model and pressed them for an hour. This project came together like lamb and tuna fish. I don’t get it. This never happens.

Now that the glue was dry and the structure sound, it was fun time. The decorating. I’ll be honest with you, after the long process I had just building this, I gave decorating a half-hearted effort. I used Twizzlers for the roof, vanilla icing for sticky spackle, pretzels for storm gutters, caramel squares to build the chimney, Tootsie Rolls for the logs to keep George warm and cut marshmallows in half to give a snowy appearance. All-in-all, kinda shitty. Completely forgot the bleeding walls that Edie suggested. That would have been awesome.

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So here you are. The house George Lutz claimed to be haunted by the same demonic forces which drove Ronny DeFeo to murder his family. Not exactly the Christmas spirit but I am not sure anyone has attempted to turn this iconic house into a jolly gingerbread house. But I have!

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Oh yeah, and cat? Eat ass.

And thanks to Dinosaur Dracula who does this stuff one million times better and funnier. This was inspired by my long love of that site and X-E. Thanks for reminding us it is okay to be a kid and enjoy the little things. Cheers!

Beers with Movie Sauce: Jaws 2

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I promise I’m not going to say “just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water”.

Well, shit.

Okay, so it really was not safe to go back in the water back in 1978 because Universal Studios cashed in on the cash cow that was Jaws; the original summer blockbuster. As sequels usually go, they can’t hold a candle to the original but with Jaws 2, I would say they made a damn good attempt. Sure, it a silly premiss that a monster shark came to seek vengeance on a small beach community  only a few years after the first monster shark had its head blown off but hey, life is weird like that. Just ask New Jersey.

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So yeah, I am yapping about Jaws 2 but more importantly I want to climb the rafters with a bullhorn and call to prayer that the fine people of Narragansett beer have released a retro-throwback LIMITED EDITION lager that was featured in the first Jaws film. The can is in its original colors from 1975 and was actually crushed by Robert Shaw who played Captain Quint. I have drunk many cans of bud lights in the Army and college just for the purpose of reenacting that famous scene between him and Richard Dreyfus.

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Also, I wanted to take this quick minute to brag about the time I met Jeffery Kramer who played Deputy Hendrix, Martin Brody’s second in command. Such a nice guy and had a blast asking him all the lame-o questions a geek like me could ask. He signed a shirt (claiming that to be his first) but he also signed a couple of autographs to include a very special one. The autopsy scene in Halloween 2 but accidentally signed is “Deputy Hendrix”, his Jaws character.

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Doh! I doubt it increases the value in real life but for the dumb collection in my office, it’s priceless.

So, please watch and sorry in advance about the crazy noises I make after eating this insanely hot, shark themed, hot sauce. It is a doozy. Honest, it will light your face.

 

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