Oh If They Could See Us Now


Do you ever wonder what people back in the 1950’s would think if they were able to get a glimpse of life today? I do. I do because that is where my mind goes when I am not being productive. I would imagine they would be a little disappointed that we are not flying to work in Jetson cars or living on Mars yet, but that goes with out saying. I am mainly curious what they would think about our everyday life. If I was to go back in time and take Jimmy Smith from his tree fort and bring him to 2007, what would he say?

“What did you do to your dog?”

That’s right Jimmy, we dress our pets in costumes. I don’t think man’s best friend was would be sporting a dress when Ol’ Yeller and Lassie was the ideal dog. Back then if you stepped out on your porch with the family dog in drag you may have an issue on your hands. Surely it would be the influence of Communism and kids would most certainly fall victim to the wrath of the Greasers.

“Do you want to play catch?”

No he doesn’t Jimmy. Or maybe I should say he can’t. He can’t because he is a level 40 Deathdealer Elf from the land of Delvasar. If that is confusing to you Jimmy that is understandable. I am too. But believe it or not, he is just as confused by what a sandlot is. Kids today will usually go outside for the following reasons: earthquake, burger runs, fire, the rare occasion for social interaction, or if there is a power outage. Today, what may look like the family television is really a gateway to friends, fortune, popularity and magic. Oh yeah, and none of it is real. Mind-fucked yet Jimmy?

“Holy Cow! Is that a space ship? Whose the girl that needs more sandwiches?”

Oh Jimmy, if only we all thought that way. Yes we go to space but for some reason that is not as important as the girl who does need a sandwich. It’s hard to explain but that girl and her lifestyle, that seems to be circling the drain, is all we hear about. I heard a rumor that the shuttle went up in orbit the other day but I’m not sure. Linsay, on the other hand, is doing fine and she was seen today getting a tan during rehab. What is rehab you ask?

“Whoa! Did we get invaded?”

No Jimmy, that is not an alien. Believe it or not, to avoid getting old or to make ourselves feel better about our looks we can cut our faces off, stretch it out and sew it back on tighter. People also inject a fat-like substance into the lips to make them puffy. Most of the people who do this are the rich that find out money can’t always make you feel better. Oh yeah, we can also take off our noses and trade them for new ones. Jimmy? Did you just get sick in your hat?

“Santa! This year I want a BB gun, a fire engine, Cowboys and Indian figures and…….why does Santa look mad?”

Well Jimmy, Santa is pissed because we can no longer say Christmas. It is Holiday. It seems too many people were offended by the term Merry Christmas so we replaced it with Happy Holiday. If you say Christmas your thumbs will be cut off and sewn onto you elbows. And Santa? This was an artists rendering of him a few years ago before he finally lost his mind over little kids not being allowed to have an imagination from network TV choosing to skip classic Christmas specials and saying Mom and Dad are really Santa. He started strangling kids in there sleep and SWAT had to take him down. Sorry Jimmy.

“Jesus! Look at the size of that bag of dicks!”

Oh yeah, we ruined baseball too. Sorry again.

5 thoughts on “Oh If They Could See Us Now

  1. anyone who can blog about dave mustaine, richard scarry, and how dorked up we’ve become is aces in my book. that makes you…aces in my book. not that it matters, i’m just sayin…..

  2. You’re funny Billy and your topics are very random. I am jealous of your ideas. Please don’t say that baseball is dead, if it were I think we’d only have hockey left. And Jetsons rules all.

  3. Interesting article. I seen a dog shirt today that was a bright green with pink glittery writing that said “little flirt” I thought it was cute then, but now I think it’s disturbing. Dogs don’t know how to read (from what we know) so how can we force our dogs to announce to the world they are whores? I don’t get it.

    But this is why I enjoy the book Fahrenheit 451, the Terminator movies, the song by Bad Religion “21st century digital boy” and probably other things that I can’t remember right now.

    And also I think the reason why we haven’t evolved as quickly as we thought we would and why we aren’t living like the jetsons, is because we like preserving things, we don’t like to change 100 percent. If we like something, we think, if it’s not broken, we won’t fix it. We are also very stubborn.

  4. Oh Bill…I clicked your name and this came up instead of your old myspace page. I have to say I was pretty excited because you are crazy funny.

    I read them all but this is my favorite so far. Glad you are writing on a regular basis, for as much as I love your Special Olympics story, it’s good to have something new once in awhile.

    Now get out there and do something silly we can all laugh about!

Speak to me, Egor.

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