Yup…
Words Of Will-dom
I have unintentionally labeled myself a pontificating mouth around the department. Whether it is giving advise about personal problems that I have no business giving or sharing stories about past military experiences that usually end with “and that’s why you don’t stick your finger in this”, I am now the go-to guy for all non-essential advise and knowledge. Don’t believe me? Well I came onto shift today and found a dry erase board with the title, “Will-dom Of The Day” on it. My job is to write wise sayings, directed by order of the Chief. Me and my big feed hole.
So, I guess I better practice my Will-dom here so you can see what I am passing on to our men and women of the fire service. Be prepared for enlightenment.
- If you have a black light throw it away. Unless you want to know how much dander your friends have.
- Never trust a guy that 1) shaves his sideburns totally off 2) wears a charmed necklace on the outside of his shirt 3) orders milk with dinner at a fancy restaurant 4) says words “practically” “anyways” and “you know” in every other statement 5) wears a visor upside down and sideways. Actually number five qualifies as a ‘never talk to’.
- Most girls will never see eye to eye with guys when it comes to Star Wars, The Godfather movies, watching golf on TV, that beer qualifies as an appetizer, and large malls should only be visited on December 24th. Just accept this, love them for who they are and the things you share and know deep down in your heart, that they are wrong.
- Cross dressers are people too. It’s ok to laugh just don’t make eye contact with them when you do it. They don’t follow a guy code and have the prerogative to kick you in the balls.
- Like the advice above, if you do feel a laugh coming on, don’t fake a yawn to cover it because it comes across that you are having a stroke and you fool no one.
- Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Unless you have a dolphin obsession and feel the need to wear an airbrushed dolphin shirt from your 1989 Daytona Beach trip.
- When monkeys attack they go for the face, thumbs and genitals first. Still think Virgil from Project X is cute? Yeah, he is. Him and his alligator.
- Try not to make up your own exclamation sayings. Most will never catch on and the shock of the situation will be interrupted by your peers asking, “what the hell did you just say?”. ex.”What the Frippin’ Froop?!?!?” and “Mother Bitch!”.
- Golf is not a sport; it’s a game. I am hard pressed to believe a 230 pound fat guy playing golf while eating a hot dog, drinking beer and smoking a cigar is actively engaged in a sport. Anyone one who disagrees with this notion is welcome to a slap contest at 3:00.
- I have never heard of anyone beating their loved ones while high on pot. At worst someone probably received an angry hug. Why is it still illegal I ask you?
- Why do people put election stickers on their automobiles? How bad would it suck to drive a car with a Gore ’04 sticker on the bumper? I am a firm believer in magnetic bumper signs.
- When you fake a phone call to get out of a situation or conversation, always remember to turn the ringer off.
So what do you think? I say the people the fire department a getting sound words of wisdom free of charge. I think this is a promotable service. I am sucking IQ points straight out their heads and they don’t even know it. Mmwa hahahaha!
Come Visit Summertime Here
It’s official! I am on the summer countdown now. The snow and ice in North Idaho has taken this southern boy from happy-go-lucky to Pissy McPissface in less than three months. And after looking at the week forecast that is calling for snow, I have decided to light up a pinacolada candle, put on some Hawaiian surf rock, lather up in Banana Boat and start the mind trip to late May. Here is your Summer fun list for 2009.
MOVIES!
Holy shit this is a great movie! Sure the more sophisticated summer movie connoisseur would pick Caddy Shack if given the choice of Bill Murray movies but there is something about camp that gets me in the summer mood. It kind of sucks that I am too old even to be a counselor but it brings back so many great memories. Memories like late night practical jokes on other cabins, the nervous tension of being forced to spend a week bunking with kids you don’t know, the sadness of the last campfire, and how we all thought the counselors were so cool and the subject of camp rumors and gossip. I still remember thinking that a blow job was something done to an ear. I want that innocence back.
THE POOL!
There are three different but distinct pool days I have in my memory.
Rumor has it this kid was in mid-stream when this picture was taken. That’s a lie, but it kind of looks that way, huh? Anyway, I grew up in a neighborhood that didn’t have a community pool so we were forced to jump through the sprinklers or breakout what my Dad called the “yard killer”; the kiddie pool. I remember these plastic pools from K-Mart to be as much fun as they look above. Even for an only child who had an imagination that could keep him entertained for an eternity during Catholic mass, this pool, with floating pine needles and drowned yellow jackets, really sucked. Especially when you have a friend over and the suck is multiplied by two. Ugh! I can still smell the hose water and see the pool toys that were just fancy McDonald Happy Meal boxes in the shape of boats.
The next step up is being invited to the friend’s neighborhood pool. That’s an exciting summer day.
Wow…sharks and minos, underwater tea parties, chicken, handstands, cannonballs, jackknives, and of course my famous 1/3 flip off the diving board. That’s always good for a laugh. I also remember the packed lunch and how Hi-C, peanut butter sandwiches, Doritos and Sunkist Fun Fruits never tasted so good. I tried it the other day and it just isn’t the same without chlorine and uncontrollable shivering.
Being a grown up now, the pool is a different place than it was when I was a kid.
First off, it’s a place I generally drink beer and read. Those are the two things I didn’t do when I was a kid. Also I rarely go into the water because it is usually occupied by 12 year olds and that age group really pisses me off in recreational environments. It’s just a great time to catch up with a good book, drink a dozen beers and sweat them out while working on a one-sided tan because I hate laying on my stomach. I can never get comfortable. Are you suppose to stick your face between the chair straps?
BOATS!
Boats are great with the right people. You need fun couples or perhaps your drunk buddy who constantly impersonates the scene in Forest Gump when he spots Lt. Dan on the dock and wave/walks off the side of his own vessel. But one summer I spent a week on a houseboat with my best friend at the time and his family. Sounds great, right? Well…they were from Great Britain and we had a steady diet of bake beans and toast and Christmas cake (fruit cake with icing). Oh yeah, and I was stung by a bunch of wasps while tying the boat to a tree trunk. It was a C- week at best.
SUMMER FOOD!
The other day I was having dinner with some friends and we barbecued steak and corn on the cob. It hit me when I confused the texture of the corn with the steak and the tomatoes in the salad and also the baked potato, that I miss food that is in season. Here are some yums we get to look forward to in the next few short months.
Anything that comes in one of these is great. If it is served by this guy it will be a minor explosion of amazing.
Pasta salad is the must at all outdoor activities that includes food. If I am present at a picnic and the is no pasta salad expect me to remove the picnic blanket and use it as a cape as I run around and step on the rest of the food. Expect it.
Couple of dogs and a beer. It’s hard to imagine lips, assholes and yeast to be a summer must but it is. Especially at a weekday 1pm Cubbies game when you skip work to go. “Heyyy batta batta, sawingg batta!! He can’t hit he Can’t hit he can’t hit…”
Quarter sliced watermelon that is wrapped in Reynold’s Wrap. Don’t know why but this is summer to me. But every time I eat watermelon I get a dull pain in my tongue from a watermelon eating race gone bad back in 1985. I remember I bit my tongue and lost the race. As I sat there in failure, holding ice wrapped in a paper towel on my tongue, I was awarded a “nice try” gift. It was bubbles. Insult!
BASEBALL!
Spring training cranked up and baseball is only a few short weeks away. But here in Idaho I have to rely on minor league games for my live game fix. That’s cool. Maybe they’ll have a “bring your horse day” or something. There is a reason that Field Of Dreams was not filmed here. The line “..is this Heaven?” would not be followed by “No, it’s Idaho”. I believe it would be, “No…are you fucking high?”.
OUTSIDE RUNNING!
This is one I sorely miss. Soon I will not have to make the choice to run in the morning when it is 15 degrees out or wait until night when it is 22 degrees out. No longer will I be five miles out and step in a slush/ice puddle and have to finish with a frozen foot. I mean, a real frozen foot. No, soon it will be perfect for hauling around the lake and getting a tan.
OUTDOOR MUSIC FESTIVALS!
Do I really need to expand on this one? It’s part of the reason the Earth tilts on it’s axis, you know. But remember, if you see Megadeth this summer, leave the laser pointer at home. See below. I’m pretty sure the guy in the audience is no longer with us.
Now I know what you’re thinking, why did he not include the beach? Well, I did. Last year and you were with me. Remember? Click Fizgig for a memory jog. Remember, just because it’s minus 2 outside it doesn’t mean we can’t get dream. If you need me I’ll be refreshing my surfer language with slang note cards. Check it out here. We have finally dumbed down English that even the retards have note cards. Don’t forget Fizgig click!
Baron Mind, This Is A Random Post
Every so often I come across something on the Internet so brilliant, I just can’t keep it to myself. I feel like I have to share it with my friends (you are my friends, right?) because I know they will like as much as I do. And if they don’t, I’ll storm out and kick the cat. Well, I’ll give it the finger at least.
So what is this awesome of awesomeness I speak of? Why it is none other than the nemesis of all civil minded people, the great Baron Mind.
Created by a very funny guy over at Revelation XIII, the character Baron Mind, played and written by Mike Revenaugh and filmed/edited by Kyle Camping, is on his way to become an international web-sensation. And finally, long over do, he is up for an award. The Horrible Awards from Dr. Horrible of the Evil League of Evil, has nominated Mike’s character for the ‘So They Say Award’ for the best non-musical video for the Evil League of Evil. So pop over to here and scroll down to the best non-musical video for the ELE and vote for Baron Mind. It takes literally 23 seconds. Watch the great Baron Mind and check out Mike over at Rev XIII.
In other news, I found out something. Did you know instant coffee has 120 cups compared to the brewing coffee that only has 90 cups for less money? Why didn’t anybody tell me this? Sure, you have to sacrifice some taste but like the great Crocodile Dundee said, “You can live on it, but it tastes like shit”. You know Mick? I can live on this and damn it, I kind of like it. The smell of instant Folgers reminds me of my Grandmother’s house in Pennsylvania. You want me to take you on a tour? The correct answer is yes.
My whole life I have moved at least every few years but this house you see above has remained a constant when I was growing up. I was here as an infant, every Christmas was spent here, more Nerf boomerangs have been eaten by the roof and more light saber battles have been waged in this backyard than Lucas could ever imagine. It’s hard to believe that there are over 30 years of personal memories here.
To get in the house we will go around back to the covered porch. The only people who come through the front door are deliveries and company. You’re with me so we will go this way. See that cooler over there? It’s always full of beer. There is nothing better than sitting on the porch with the space heater blaring, drinking Yeungling and reading my Grandmothers Parade magazine. I’m not joking. Just looking at this picture I smell the stale cigarette smoke and electric heating coils. *sniffffff……ahhhhhhhh*
From the back porch we get to the kitchen. This is where my love for instant coffee was forged. But this picture is bitter sweet because as I look at the chairs my mind drifts to the days when I was forced to finish my cooked carrots, no matter how long it took. You see, my grandparents grew up during the depression and not finishing your food was as insulting as telling them the Pope is a bag of dicks. So I would sit there and endure a child’s equivalent to water boarding as I would choke down cooked carrots, dry heaving and tearing. I do, however, have a great memory of my Uncle Mark coming to my rescue and scarfing down my carrots when my Grandmother left the room, giving me a wink and a shush finger as he headed out for his night on the town. I love that guy.
Leaving the kitchen we come to the dining room. It’s funny, but this room elicits a little bit of anger from me and it comes from a silly pet peeve. I hate eating in a quiet place and listening to eating noises. This side of the family eats….well…like a G-damn horse. They never have the TV on so all yo hear is crunching, smacking and nose-whistling. I always show up to the table with two forks; one to eat with and one to stab into my leg out of anger.
The living room! This is where we gather to watch TV and I swear, the local news is on at least half the time. To this day, coming home to Grandma’s is not official until I hear the channel 6 theme song, “Move Close To Your World”. Still makes me smile. I have so many memories in this room like playing with a Hasbro X-Wing fighter, using the Persian rug as the perfect play mat and ruining a vacuum with a missing Micro machine. But, now that I am older this is where my Dad and I have a book read-off because there isn’t shit to do. This past holiday I won with four books. But it back fired on me and I was robbed a few million brain cells after reading Bill O’Reiley’s book, Culture Warrior. I get his points but damn, that guy really talks down to people.
My Grandfather passed away a few years ago. Every time I am alone in this house I tend to stare at the old pictures and remember him. He really was the product of the greatest generation. He served in the Navy in WW2, came home, started right to work at GE making rotatory rocket engines for ICBMs, got married and had kids. I constantly think about his work ethic. Every year he worked like a dog to provide for the family and only had the one week vacation at the shore to look forward to. He never complained though and he never quit to find greener pastures. He was tough, selfless and had a heart the size of Gibraltar. But cancer came and took him from us in 2003. God I do miss him.
We are now upstairs. You are looking at the only bathroom in the house. If you look closely at the frame on the right you will notice that it has a slight curve to it. When the weather changes the wood swells and this leads to the door sticking. I can not take a shower without locking the door so that means the door has to be flush with the frame. So, I spend 15 to 20 minutes in the bathroom and 30 minutes prying the door open. Two years ago I pulled the knob straight off.
We are going to skip the other two rooms up here and go right to Uncle Mark’s room. This is where I usually sleep when I visit. Notice the folded cot on the right? Yeah, sleeping in here is a challenge to say the least. I try to beat Uncle Mark to bed because if he falls asleep first, it’s like sleeping in the trombone section of an orchestra. There is nothing worse, besides eating sounds, than trying to fall asleep over super sonic snoring and four-note sleep farts. Try to find your happy place during that!
GAAAA! Don’t forget who sleeps in the next room.
Now we are in the basement and this is the best room in the house. My Uncle Mark has occupied the basement ever since I could form memories. This was the place where I spent most of my time and I know that was a little selfish because I should have spent more time hanging out with my elderly great aunts and eating their blue mints. But seriously though, how could a kid resist cable TV, a bag full of candy next to the recliner, a computer with Duke Nuke ‘Em, and every cool gadget known to man. I mean, I didn’t grow up with cable so HBO and old school Nickelodeon was something you had to take advantage of. I swear I saw the movie The Explores and the show Pinwheel more times than necessary on these AstroTurf-covered recliners. If you clicked on Pinwheel I am sorry, but you will have that in your head for the next 12 years. My gift is your curse. Here are some quirky things around the basement.
The hat collection. This is actually willed to me. I’d like to say I can’t wait but that means somebody has to die. I’ll wait for the hat collect.
Here we are! The vacation fund and it’s full….of dimes…..and there is a lock on it. 
Uncle Mark’s ex-girlfriend was a graphic artist an she designed screen savers. This is one of them. I really hope this was the reason he dumped her because, WTF?!?!
Well, now you have had the tour. Very few people have seen the place that I call home away from home. I hope you enjoyed it.
Here is a survey question: I stayed at my Aunt’s house while I was in town and slept in my cousin’s room while she was away for college. If you weren’t paying attention, in the picture below, what would you brush your teeth with? I hope I am not the only one picked wrong.
I’ll post my failed pick tomorrow.
EDIT: If you picked this, we have something in common. That stuff really doesn’t taste as good as one would think. Actually, it was the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth. Ha Ha…I know where you are going to go with that Ginny.
What Do You Mean This Is Forever?
I learned something new about myself over the weekend. It turns out I have a slight claustrophobia issue. Who knew? Let me lay it all out for you.
So I show up for my shift (I am a firefighter) on Saturday and within ten minutes of arrival the alarm goes off for a fully involved house fire. I absolutely love these calls even though it usually sucks for the people who are standing in the yard watching their whole lives go up. But with all the foreclosures it is oddly coincidental that house fires are on the rise. Or maybe people just need to clean their chimney. Regardless, it was hot, hard work and about halfway through I was thinking that Friday night beers were a bad idea.
Well, we finished our job and headed back to the station. It was about that time that the chief felt that it was great idea to keep the momentum of the day going and squeeze in some training. And what kind of training? Oh, we trained on emergency egress training through a confined space. That means we had to crawl through two 20 foot long tubes. One was 24 inches in diameter and the other was only 18 inches. I didn’t think anything of it. Until I was in the tube.
We were pretty tired and switching out the bottles of air was laboring enough after pike-poling ceilings and water cannoning a house. So by the time I was suited up, I severely underestimated my ability to complete this task.
So this is what we had to do. With all the gear on, including oxygen bottle (SCBA) and mask, we had to first crawl through a 20 foot long tube that was only 24 inches around. There isn’t enough room to move the arms to you have to go in hands first and push with your toes and pull with your fingers. After a long morning this proved to be a challenge but after completing that length, the obstacles just got worse.
Above is the 24 inch tube and for some reason I felt it was a better idea to wear my SCBA on my back while going through. That basically exerted a lot of energy because I had to get all the equipment off my back while still lying on the floor and push it out in front of me before I crawl in the 18″ hole.
So, by the time I was ready to start my journey through the tube I was completely exhausted, hot and sweating so bad my mask was fogged over. I pushed my oxygen tank out in front of me and pulled my body into the hole. It was so tight I could only push the tank with my finger tips and move only inches at a time with my toes. You can’t move your arms, bend your knees or even lift your head. The temperature was over a 100 degrees inside and all I could see was black as I was sucking my tank empty. That’s when I began to feel the sensation of sheer panic. I needed to get out and it had to be now. There was no way to go back and I was directly in the middle of the tube. I really felt as if I woke up to find myself in a coffin, six feet under. Never in my life…
I closed my eyes and inched my way to the end. It took about ten minutes to complete the distance but it felt twice as long. When I crawled out my brothers dragged me out and I sat on the ground collecting myself. And then my SCBA alarm sounded indicating my air was about to run out. I couldn’t imagine dying in an 18″ tube while suffocating. Now that scared me.
When I finally collected myself, I hobbled off to drink some water and get my mind off what had just happened. I checked my phone and was going to go back to take more pictures when I accidentally took my own photo. I look pretty shook up. That was my first experience with claustrophobia and managed to capture my dilated eyes and pale face. Super.
The next day I had breakfast with a friend and her roommate. Her roommate is a very intelligent guy that many people rely on for quirky trivia and life advice. He’s all around a great person to talk to. Well, I told him my dilemma about claustrophobia and asked him how I can get over it. He told me that people never get over it. So that is swell. But I’m not giving up without the good fight.
So I am writing this in full SCBA while doing laundry and watching the news. It may be all for not but I have to try. Tonight I will sleep under my bed blind folded. If my methods prove to be successful, I’ll write a therapeutic book. Maybe it will be a children’s book. I’ll title it, Wigout Will and the Big Black Tube. NY Times best seller list, save a spot for me. Until then I’ll be running with a fishbowl on my head.
Casserole of Disaster 
