Category: work

I Need A List

I have been such a bad blogger I ought to be dragged out in the streets and floggered. Was that a stretch? Well, if it was, all I can say is that you are right. And to get back in the real swing of 2010, I need all the help I can get. So here we go! This is one of my many posts of what I know to be true.

  1. I watch violence on TV with much trepidation. When did this happen? I keep asking myself questions like “what is that poor guys mother going to do?”. I need to not take things so seriously.
  2. I don’t believe in the moon. I just think it is the back of the sun. (scrubs) I agree.
  3. I Tweet. Fuck. I Tweet. Three verbs and one is expressive. Take your pick.
  4. At almost 32, I still believe there is a chance that God can turn off the gravity at any minute. I hang out near trees.
  5. My iPhone sucks. I’m always connected to everything. Remember when life was simple and no one knew what anyone else was doing?
  6. I think I am in love with the Nurse Ratchet’s assistant from One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest.
  7. I have a cat. A cute one actually. But I travel a lot and I think getting a buddy for her would be fair. I have images of her meowing at the wall for hours out of boredom. Sometimes I leave the Animal Planet on just because I think she watches it. So I have decide to buy another kitten. Now I will be the guy who has two cats. shit.
  8. Sandwiches make me way too happy. I mean really, way too happy. Did a dance the other day that I call the “Turkey Pastrami Slide”. I kind of wish it was in private though.
  9. This commercial makes me want to scream at an elderly man. I hate eating sounds in food commercials. It’s like a Hulk reaction. I will split a shirt and steal a tricycle from a 3 year old when I see this. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

10.  I get so excited for Christmas but when it gets here, I hate it. This year, Christmas will be prepped way ahead of time. No more last-minute travel or last-minute gifts. To be honest, my Amex  and Visa card took a few thousand dollars worth of hits that should have been better thought out. And Delta? Fuck you too!

11. I tried it again. I am not a gin man. Actually, hard alcohol as a whole I think will end starting today. It just doesn’t do it.

12. I listen to The Cure and think of KB. I listen to… actually that is my next post.

13. I prefer the old Devil in The Simpsons to the Flander’s Devil in the newer ones.

14. I have Netfilx steaming to my TV and I gave the series Weeds a chance. It failed miserably. So miserably it made me finally realize that Kevin Nealon is an ass-hat of staggering scale and should have hard fruits thrown at him in all public venues. I envision a pineapple.

15. I had a meeting with the owner of a restaurant chain called Taco Time for work last week. I told him his chain made me laugh when I first heard the name. He, however, did not find my humor funny.

16. I want the sax to come back. The Night Court theme makes me pretty overjoyed.

17. Don’t Google Image search your own name.

18. Have you ever heard of the 80’s toy call “Beeoples”? Just curious.

19. I had a dream that I was shoplifting old Halloween candy from a dollar store and was caught. For some reason, this is really bothering me.

20. I think I will smile like this for everything. No matter how small.

fin

//

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Auto-Text Disaster: Part 2

It is kind odd how I rely on non-verbal communication for over 90% of my everyday conversations. I suppose it is the “get to the point” way that attracts me to use it more often than making a personal connection. I just recently blogged about how I hate texting during dinner and personified a few people into one and ended up hurting someone I didn’t mean to. I feel very bad about that and I am sorry. But this isn’t a post about taking words back. This is my rant on auto texting because, once again, I can’t comprehend how iPhone replaces misspelled words with…embarrasing ones.

I balance work, the hospital and school by a thread. A thin, old and frayed thread. Any wavering and it will break leaving me in a state of utter shit. So I balance my time as best as possible and even though my social life is a joke, I can still get out to enjoy a few things. Like the dart league at work.

This is a pretty good way of having the employees and bosses get together for a friendly night of drinking and team cohesion. Every Thursday night we get together to toss darts and laugh about office bullshit that just hours before, was not very funny at all. But this week I have been working on a project that has me traveling so I needed to find a substitute  for myself. I text the only sales girl we have, Mandy.

Back story: Mandy is a pretty tough girl but she is the only girl we have in the sales side of the office. She has to compete with ego-driven guys on a constant basis and I suppose that makes her that much harder of a worker. I have a high degree of respect for her. That’s why this next part really bothers me.

Before I was hired, she was in a meeting with all the said sales guys and they were ribbing her and making her laugh hysterically. So much so, she farted. I try to keep this site here clean of low-brow humor but that is what happened. From then on she has been teased and it has become a real sore spot for her. I pretend to know nothing about it.  Until this…

I texted her to see if she wanted to throw darts. Why darts was auto replaced with this I have no idea but I firmly believe, this could only happen to me.

“Hey Mandy, want to do me a favor?”

“Hi Will! What can I do?’

“You want to throw farts?”

“What?”

“Farts”

“Will, not you too. That’s not cool.”

(Then I become confused and reread my message.)

“Oh! Sorry, I meant darts. My phone messed up”

“Ha Ha I am sure. I can’t. I will see you on wed.”

“Seriously, I meant darts. I am not making fun! I am so sorry. It really is my phone!”

“Will, it’s fine. Are you with Dave?”

(Dave is the worst at rubbing her the wrong way)

“No, I am in Moscow! I really need a sub and wanted to ask you.”

“I will see you wed.”

I am so pissed at myself right now. For one, how did I not catch that? Two, how in heaven did it auto “fart” to the one person that could take offense to that? Is my karma that bad? I don’t know how to regain repor.with this girl but I suppose letting the issue go would be the best bet. Fuck my life.

I think this was worse than the last time.

Edit: You know, now that I think about it, F and D are pretty close to eachother. Fuck my life.

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UGH

I’m sick. I am achy head, stuffy nose, congested chest sick. Usually I am the healthiest one around and never understood how people were so susceptible to these annoying little viruses. But not today. Today I have been kicked in the balls by a rhinovirus so hard, I am seeing stars and speaking in a high A. Just look at me yesterday afternoon driving to the hospital before school practicing my duck calls.

duckcall

Healthy and happy as a horse! Little did I know that by the night I would be fighting a fever and looking like this:

sick

Cheese and rice! I look like I just fell off the roof. Everything hurts and everything is loud. It just so happens that my neighbors upstairs have a combined weight of a 1989 Dodge Shadow so you can only imagine the creeks and groans and thuds happening right now. I swear, any minute a fat leg with a high heel is going to come crashing through the ceiling. If that happens, I’m keeping the shoe.

happy

What are you so happy about, fucker? You are about to get sick! Turn around! Ugh….I never listen to myself.

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Is This Seat Taken On The…

totg-short-bus2 copy

That’s rights folks, I am back on the short bus going straight to Hardee’s, er, Hades with a front row seat reserved. I guess it is just a perfect end to an amazingly shitty-ass week. I mean, this week was a humdinger. Let’s recount this for posterity sake, shall we?

I have been having tire trouble with my right front for a while. Every so often it loses pressure and though I have had it checked, there was no indication that a hole was in it. So, I concluded that gremlins sneak air out of it in transit because any other explanation could only lead to ridicule from the Les Shwab tire dolts.

gremlintz

Well, I came back from a trip to find it completely flat in the parking lot. Mother fucker. At that point I knew I had to call it quits with the mystery tire and just change it. So I proceeded to get to work. The only issue was that I had a hell of a time trying to get the jack off (haha) the tire mount resulting in a great gash up the wrist. No biggie, I have had worse.

Long story short I managed to get the car jacked up and took the flat tire off. But before I could put the spare on I noticed a strange creaking sound. While I was trying to pinpoint the odd sound there was a terrific POW and the car came crashing down on an empty wheel rotor-thing, nearly severing my flip flopped wearing foot. The jack completely buckled and busted.

Holy shit I nearly shit a shoe! I kid you not that was more nerve racking than getting into a moving accident. Not only did I almost cut/crush my foot in half but now my car was crippled on pavement with a bent brake and tire mount. I have never heard of a jack completely failing like that. Have you? It’s nice to know that 28K car has a $5 jack in it. Someone is getting a letter!

So, yay for triple A. Car is in recovery and I am in credit card debt.

office-space

I like to say that I am a professional firefighter but in the spring, hours and shifts became hard to get so I was forced back into corporate America as an office solution consultant. This week the “said” boss from Vegas took off for his cabin and left me with the glorious responsibility of firing two people. And anyone who knows me, knows that if I, so much as bump into your shopping buggy at the grocery store, I feel like I should load your car, so one can imagine how much I have been looking forward to canning people who look at me as the “wiffleball tony” of the office. (wiffleball Tony is the guy at the picnic that everyone loves and is the one to start the wiffleball game)

One of the guys I really didn’t mind letting go because, to be honest, he sucked. I have about as much use for him as I do a 4 foot novelty monkey wrench and while that sounds harsh, it really is not. He told a client her breasts didn’t look real while fixing her copier. I fired him with extreme prejudice.

The other, it was difficult and when ever I am in a position of awkward difficulty, I get the giggles. Yup. It’s awful and I am definitley bus-bound to the 7th circle. But even though I handled that like a roller skating party for the Nealy School of the Mentally Challenged, I managed to find him possible employment from a competitor. Don’t ask. People owe me favors I suppose.

To cap it all off, yesterday sealed it for me that this week ranks high on the one out of 52 to forget.  I was walking downtown and past a large window front of a small office space. On the window were pictures and at first glance I thought they were employees showing off how much fun it is to work there. I then stopped and focused in on a particularly funny photo that look much like this one:

awkward

I couldn’t help myself. I let out a thunderous laugh that scared birds from trees. It was one of those contagious laughs you see and while you don’t know what is funny, you find yourself laughing to share their joy. But soon my joy was replaced with a cold sweat of embarrassment and shame as I browsed the other photos and looked past the pictures to see people staring back at me with a look of disgust.

Remember how I mentioned earlier about the Nealy School for the Mentally Challenged? Yeah, I was standing infront of their school. When the realization hit me of what I looked like laughing at these pictures I would have rather been in these ten other places at that particular time.

  1. Driving a Baptist Bus around Baghdad
  2. Having a “meet in the middle” banana eating party with 62 year old Russian prostitute.
  3. Farting in a yoga class full of girls
  4. Setting up a PETA booth at the Idaho State Fair
  5. Having a moped accident on live TV
  6. Watching Boogie Nights with my Mom
  7. Getting a job as a stage hand for the Hannah Montana Tour
  8. Cursed with permanent sand grain in mouth
  9. Teaching T Pain grammar lessons
  10. Eating this laptop

I swear on all that is holy I did not know they were retarded. I really thought the guy was just caught in a bad picture. That didn’t seem to matter and any other week I would apologize and make amends but this week proved to be too much. So I ran. I ran hard and fast with tie flapping in the wind. I think karma owes me an IOU for this week.

Think less of me?

21

Death By Taco (and truck)

I was driving to the office the other day on I90, letting my mind drift from thoughts of work to contemplative analysis of what am I doing with my life when it was rudely interrupted by a brief encounter with death. A Taco Truck merged three lanes of traffic causing me to veer off the road, nearly missing a road construction sign that was held up by a ten ton street sweepeing truck. Thankful to “cat-like speed and reflexes” I managed to skirt the taco-packing truck but not before making a sound like this:

Well, I thought I needed to share that because if I were to buy the farm via tacos, truck or a street sweeper, I would want you to know that I went out in the style I choose; something to keep the obituary lighthearted.

taken with a shakey hand and exposed middle finger
taken with a shakey hand and exposed middle finger

*Another “Where Did you Go” post is almost done and…and…Macabre Fitness is being resurrected. I am on the last couple of weeks before my first marathon in a few years. I need a new fitness forum to complain and bellyache.*

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