Category: Random

Ties And Flies

A couple of weeks ago I found myself in a hurry to make it to a very important meeting. Why was I in a hurry, you ask? It was because I had stopped off at my home for lunch and had to finish an episode of Home Improvement. I mean, they thought Randy might have leukemia and I had to watch the whole thing to see if he would be alright. You don’t expect me to concentrate at sales meeting when Randy’s health was in question, do you? Well, it turns out he was okay, it was just a gland thing. (whew) But that extra five minutes of suspenseful pacing left me little time to make it to the meeting on time. So I raced out the door, hopped in my car and tore off down the road to the corporate suck tank, call I work.

When I am in a rush it is inevitable that every light on the way will turn yellow at the exact point I am too far away to make it before it turns red. It’s a tease from God, I swear it. So, I will slam on my brakes and cause everything from the backseat to transfer to the front and the pissface behind me will mouth the words, “mother dicklick ass shit!”. I of course will make the situation much worse and wave out the window as if to say, “I know…I suck”.

So I rip into the parking lot at top speed, jump out of the car, grab my briefcase, slam the car door and “HERK!”. I slammed my tie in the car door. Now normal people will open the door, sheepishly straighten it and walk away. Not me! I pulled and yanked and pulled and yanked and finally….it came loose. Only it looked like this.

I shredded the shit out of a $70 tie all because I am a half an I.Q. point higher than retard. I walked a little defeated to my meeting just staring at the end of my tie. I had to decide what would be worse; being late or looking dumb. I choose to be late. I ran up to my office and taped the shreds to the back of the tie and believe it or not, it looked half way fixed. I made my way to the conference room and I could here muffled chatter behind the door. I opened it up and walked confidently to an empty seat, feeling twenty pairs of eyes on me. I sat down and the meeting went ahead as if I had been there the whole time. Then I notice the tie on my lap right next to my shirt tail. Shirt tail?

My shirt tale was coming out of my fly that was left unzipped. True mother fuckin’ story.

I went home that night and stopped at a gas station. I bought a Samurai sword. It’s the little things that I have to hold onto after a day like that.

On a happier note, the first article of Macabre Fitness is up. It’s a shoe review! Oooooooooo!

http://macabrefitness.wordpress.com/

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10 Things I Have Become Aware Of In One Week

 The other day I was asked if I am self aware. I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t aware. I am, however, very tuned into the strange little things that are around me. This has become more and more apparent since I have blogged about mostly that for a year now. It is also apparent because I have been asked more than once “besides you, who thinks about that stuff…”. So maybe I am not completely aware of me but the randoness of life never misses my attention. Perhaps I have an attention disorder.

  1. I passed a guy last week while walking to my office after lunch. He was walking and eating corn on the cob. He was also in a suit, obviously going to an office as well. I have never seen anyone eat corn on the cob while walking in the city.
  2. I counted 34 “uh’s” in a presentation this guy gave at work. And I completely missed the point of the meeting.
  3. Last week I met a gentleman who believes that UFOs visit the Earth regularly. I asked him if he thought aliens would be too weird looking for humans to accept. He asked me if I thought Yoda looked weird. That made a lot of sense to me.
  4. I have seen this bike more and more at the running park. One question: How do you start the riding process?                   

 5. We are breeding kids to be wusses.

    6.  It has become clear that I am the last one to figure out that Bill O’Rielly is a real jerk and Fox News is really caddy. Can a news channel be caddy?

    7.  I notice when other guys check out girls’ butts and cleavage. Then I wondered if people notice    when I do it. It turns out they do and I am bad about hiding it. Maybe I am a little self aware.  

    8.  People who are assholes or idiots at the bar are most likely the people who rarely get drunk. I call them the “Friday after nine o’clock crew”. And I hate them so.

    9. No matter what the noise level is in a public place, the volume will always dim at the exact point you say “penis”, “vagina”, “herpes”, “prostitute”, “left testicle” and “I’m awesome”. I don’t know why that is but it’s definitely paranormal.

   10. Actually to be completely honest, I am only aware of nine things this week. I can’t make a list that has nine items or I will get a rash. I wasn’t aware that I have an issue with odd numbers like that until now. Hrm, I guess that is 10 after all.

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Limahl Is A Guy

Don’t you just love finding out at the age of 30 that you had a gender confusion with a particular song? I do. Today I was looking for YouTube clips to write an article about memorable movie intros when I ran across The Never Ending Story. Low and behold, that song was performed buy a guy. I was shocked. Probably more shocked than when I found out Wayne Newton sang “Danke Schoen“. There is no way a guys voice could sound that feminine! I bet if the fate of the world rested on how confident I was that The Never Ending Story was performed by a girl, I would have screwed us all over. I imagine it would look something like this:

But alas it is not a woman belting those tunes but rather British pop phenomenon, Limahl. Never heard of him? Then you probably will recognize him from his original band Kajagoogoo and their song “Too Shy“. That’s what I know him from. Actually I am sure that is what most will know him by. He’s very popular in Germany today. But then again so is David Hasselhoff.

So, Limahl is now apart of my vocabulary and we can rest assured that if a villain had his hand on the detonator to a nuclear warhead and asked me whether or not The Never Ending Story theme was performed by a girl or a guy for the fate of the world, I would choose correctly. I only imagine these scenarios while sitting at mass on Sunday. Catholics don’t get much out of church. At least this one doesn’t.

Check him out! It’s a guy, I promise!

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Where Did You Go? Part 6

I guess it is time for another installment of “Where Did They Go” so I can have an excuse to cruise the world of IMDB and Wikipedia searching for those random few who rarely get the spotlight anymore. It’s part curiosity and part obsessiveness because I don’t want them to be forgotten. I have always been the one to remember the supporting cast or the scene that no one cares about. Really, that’s pretty much the whole theme of this blog; the odd and random that people don’t or shouldn’t think about. And we’re off….

“But i didn’t know you were going to be giving me electric shwocks!”

Steve Tash was the poor student who fell prey to Bill Murray’s experiment on ESP for five bucks and 80 volts. Actually if I’m not mistaken he told Venkman we could keep the five bucks. Regardless, he gets and A + when for the gum being shocked out of his mouth. Besides Ghostbusters, Steve was in a few movies like Stephen King’s/ John Carpenter’s Christine, Beach Balls and Snowballing. (I don’t think I want to know what “snowballing” means.) I am pretty sure you can find Beach Balls and Snowballingon Showtime around 3am. He has even been in a couple episodes of Diff’rent Strokes as the character “Weasle”. But other than that it looks like Steve’s career in acting came to an end. Poor guy didn’t even get a name in Ghostbusters. He was named “male student” in the credits.

I have no idea what happened to Steven Tash after 1988. I mean, he didn’t even get a guest star spot on Murder She Wrote! It seems every actor around that time at least had some part in that show. I don’t even know if this guy is still above ground. Literally! He might be dead. Ghostbusters was 24 years ago and he has to be at least 44. I’m just saying, heart disease is a bitch. So, Steve, if you are still kicking, let us know.

 Oh man, it’s Thunder, Lightning and Rain from the movie, Big Trouble In Little China! That movie has always been a favorite of mine and oddly enough it has come up in conversation more than once this week. So that got me wondering what ever happened to these three mystical beings.

 I am going to start with “Rain” played by Peter Kwong. He was the sword swinging, long haired  bad guy that weirdly enough, didn’t have a Chinese accent. I always think of the battle between him and Wang (Dennis Dun) and that strange moment when Rain was caught looking at Wang’s, uh, wang I guess. Wang responded with an exaggerated eyebrow raise. Check it out the next time you see the movie. I’m not making that up.

  Peter has been in a shit load of TV episodes prior and after BTILC (Had to abriviate. That’s such a long movie title.) to include “MaGyver”, “Miami Vice”, “227”, “Tour of Duty”, “Dynasty”, “The A-Team”, “Manimal”, “Amazing Stories”, “Full House”, and on and on and on…. As far as film he was in The Golden Child and others but maybe they were SciFi TV movies. You know the ones like Gator Man or Tyrano Dog. Regardless of what movies he did, Peter Kwong is still cranking out TV show appearences today. He resides in LA and it looks like he is doing better than ever. He teaches Tai Chi at a 24 hour Balley’s gym and serves as Governer of the Preformers Peer Group at the Acadamy of TV, Arts and Sciences. Good job Pete and thank you.

  It’s Lightning! This guy was my favorite and I am still unsure how they killed him off in BTILC.  The guy who played him is James Pax who, like Peter Kwong, has a few appearances in a lot of well known TV shows like “MaGyver”, “Nash Bridges”, “Tour Of Duty”, “Matlock” and “Scarecrow And Mrs. King”.  Makes you wonder if they have the same agent?

  Man, James Pax has been a busy man. He was born in Japan, lived in Italy, educated at New York University in International Business, became a professional ballet dancer and master of Kung Fu, sang in South America, was a model in Milan, was on Broadway and currently resides in China working on the Chinese version of “Sex In The City” called “I Just Really Want To Fall in Love”. I guess “Sex In The City” doesn’t translate too well. It’s like the word pool. In China it’s called a “swimming gym”. So anyway, his life just wore out my fingers. Fucking over achiever.

  And finally we have Thunder. I didn’t really understand his specialty besides blowing himself up. If that is his power then I thing Lo Pan really fucked up his choice of body guards. I must admit that his few lines were ones to remember. “I con hep yuuu.” Classic!

  Carter Wong is a real bad ass in life. BTILC was one of only a couple movies he did in America. Before that he was in real Kung Fu movies to include a few staring roles with the late, great Bruce Lee. He even taught martial arts at the Royal Hong Kong police department. Now that is a dude who can kick your ass six ways to Sunday. I hope Kurt Russel was nice to him. By the way, how many people named Carter come from China? I’m just saying.

  “My name is Horace!” Actually it was Brent Chalem who played the tubby kid that was the weenie Monster Squad memeber. But I had to give him props for kicking the Wolfman in the nards. Yes Horace, Wolfmen do have nards.

  I found this out from our beloved Mystie who wrote one of the best reviews for the movie Monster Squad that I have ever read. It’s true, Horace is dead. Brent died in 1997 at the age of 22 from Pnemonia in Las Vegas, Nevada. I still can’t believe it. He was working as a legal assistant for a law firm at the time. I guess his career never took off even though he did appear in “Punky Brewster”, “Quantum Leap” and “Mr. Belvedere”. We even have the same birthday too. I’m sorry Brent. We hardly even knew you.

 

Streaks on the china,
never mattered before,
who cares.When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.
But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.
All hands look out below T
here’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

 

 

 He sure did live the good life but Mr. Belvedere is dead too. Poor Christopher Hewett died in 2001 from complications with his diabetes in Los Angeles but before he checked out he left us with years of wonderful work to remind us of his talents. He had been acting from the fifties until his death and was in a number of plays and TV shows to include ‘Murder She Wrote” (shocking), “E/R”,  “Fantasy Island” and of course the immortal “Mr. Belvedere”. The funny thing is he was really only cast as the “English proper” or “Butler servant”. He wasn’t complaining though. I remember Mr. Belvedere being as big as Alf back in the day.

   It’s Tiffany Brissette from the show “Small Wonder”! There aren’t many people who remember this show when I bring it up but if they saw this picture I am sure it would jog the memory. I always feel silly when I describe it. “You know, it’s about this guy who builds a robot named V.I.C.K.I. and everyone treats her like a member of the family. And one time she smoked pot on the show and blew a fuse and acted strange. And another time she fell in the pool and blew a fuse and acted strange. And they had this red headed girl named Harriet and she sucked. Ring a bell? Huh? Huh?……huh.”

 I’m not too proud to admit that I had a huge crush on Tiffany Brissette as a kid. I thought she hung the moon and this may sound strange, but when “Small Wonder” was on TV I refused to watch in in my pajamas. I can’t quite explain why but I had to be in my favorite themed sweater and corduroys. I guess I thought there was a chance she could see me through the TV. I was a weird kid.

  All though Tiffany was in a lot of TV shows in the 1980’s and early ’90’s like “Webster”, “Teen Win Lose Or Draw”, “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” and even the post Return Of The Jedi TV show “The Ewok Adventure”, she left Hollywood and never returned. After getting her degree at Westmont College in California she dedicated her life to helping children and teens as a counselor. She also is a marathon runner and rides horses during her free time. Man, I think I still have a crush on her. It would be nice to see her back on the TV again. Hopefully now I can watch without the need to put on a sweater with a bear on it.

  Well, part 6 is done. That’s all I have for now and I can cross off these few from the list that grows exponentially everyday. Hope you had fun.

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Let’s Go To The Beach

I am not dead! Sorry it has been so long. Work and life has been a real pain as of late but that is neither here nor there. What does “here nor there” mean anyway? I say that all the time but until I wrote it I just never thought about it. “To shake a stick at” is another one. I have never shaken a stick at anything in my life, much less many things.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, so life has been a bag of dicks but that’s not your problem. I am going to share a feel good memory about the beach because I miss it and I want to take a virtual trip. You are invited so don’t forget the beer, sunscreen, blanket and alkeselzer tablets for the seagulls. Just kidding.

So here we are at the beach house in Sea Isle City, NJ. I have to admit that right when we arrive the clock will be ticking for the trek down the street to the shore. But I know that we will have to do the lame job of unpacking the car, putting away all the food, making the beds, and opening all the windows to air out the vacant home. But little do you know that I have already cracked open the first of twenty Budlights that will be consumed before the end of the day. I am sorry but it is already half way done and I can’t stop the cold flow of alcoholic vacation goodness.

Finally it is beach time! We will be in our respected suits, yours much cooler than mine I am sure. But it’s fine because you can walk far ahead of me. I will take the a chair, the cooler, the radio and you can grab the other chair , blankets and bag full of the extra items like books, magazines, lotion and my emergency swim trunks. It’s a long story but one time I lost mine in the waves. The beach house never seemed so far away. I’ll take the heavy stuff because I am already on beer number four and that’s about the time when the term heavy means nothing.

The walk to the shore is less than a block but it’s a tough one when you refuse to wear flip flops. I have a thing about having sand rub in between the flip part of the flop. So that means my virgin feet will be scorched from not only the black topped road but also the loose sand at the beginning of the trail over the dunes. You will be behind me watching my high steps that would embarrass even Rick Moranos. But soon all the pain in the feet will fade as we peer over the top of the dune and the breeze from the ocean hits the face and the crashing waves muffle all the sounds of pedestrian traffic. We made it.

Finding the perfect spot to set up camp is always a challenge, especially when the feet are hovering around 400 degrees Celsius and possibly full of shells. It’s important not to be down wind of cigar smokers, away from possible football game outbreaks, at least 50 yards from any kid and not around old people who don’t like beer drinking and the tendency for impulsive dance. On top of all that, I am the type who will be there until the tide comes in so we will have to find a lunar gravity friendly zone. It takes a minute but when the perfect spot is found, all will be right with the world.

Off comes the shirt and on comes the suntan lotion! Most people will use a generous amount of SPF 70 for their first exposure to the summer sun but not me. I don’t believe that putting on a liquid shirt everyday of vacation will give you the true sense of the beach. I like having a little sunburn to let me know the next day as I take 15 minutes just to put one leg in the shower, that I have gone 100 percent in my relaxation. Just call me melanoma head.

Well, the blankets are laid out, the chairs are unfolded, the cooler is set, we are lathered with SPF and sun attractor, and the radio is on. Now for the pivotal moment when I introduce you to my mixed tape that has been with me on many beach vacations. This tape signifies that summer is here, we are on vacation and at the beach. If I ever lost it I may go camping in the woods for the rest of my life and never see another ocean again. Here is a sample of it. It’s a must for the beach and you have to listen.

The Monroe’s “What Do All The People Know”. My god I love this song. It will cause me to dance so if there is any shred of dignity that you may have, you may want to take that time to hunt down the Lemon Ice cart.

“Tenderness” from General Public is such a feel good song. Don’t know why this symbolizes summer but it does.

I wish this wasn’t the theme song for Look Who’s Talking because I love this song and I hate Kristy Alley. I can’t put my finger on it but I believe the synthesizers in this song is a symbol of 1985 at the beach. Or Pete Townshed’s huge nose. It must be murder when that guy has a head cold.

So the tunes are set and now it’s time to soak in the rays. This will last for approximately thirty minutes before I am compelled to run into the surf as if I was on fire. I won’t get out until either I have ingested too much saltwater or I need another beer. But I am guilty of not paying attention as I swim around the surf and before you know it the tide has pulled me 100 yards down the coast. This is a little confusing when trying to find the beach blanket. Last time I had to actually go out on the street to figure out what avenue number I drifted to. I may need you to keep an eye out for me. I’ll be the grown man with one arm floaty so it’ll make it easier for you.

There is one thing about salt air, it induces quite a hunger. I think a couple hours of beach fun will work up an appetite for turkey sandwiches, chips and Hi-C Echto Cooler. There has to be a break in the copious amount of Bud Light. The only problem I have with eating at the beach is that no matter how hard I try, I will always get the crunching of sand grains with whatever I am chewing. I will almost always touch something sandy and put my hand in the potato chip bag. It’s just a fact. I will also have sand on my beer can rim. Blech!

After we eat our sandwiches like they were our first meal in weeks it’s nap time. I can dig taking a nap on the beach. There is something that is so soothing and lulling about the ocean waves. But never far from my mind is a seagull shitting on my face. You may think this is an irrational fear but I saw it happen to my uncle. Yeah it was funny as hell but it could have been anyone of us. From then on I sleep with a hat on.

So the restless sleep is finished and it’s time to crack another beer. I think by that time it should be at least beer number 11. That sounds about right. Do you know what else it is time for? Velcro catch! I know this is sissy catch but with the wild pitches I have been known to throw, it is far better to hit an old lady in the head with a tennis ball than a real baseball. I’m kind of like a high strung dog. You will have to decide when this game is up. I can throw pretend pop ups all day.

I think by now it will be time for one final rinse in the ocean to clean all the sand from the suit’s waist line and pack it up. There is still dinner to go to and a boardwalk to walk. It will be a good possiblity that I will shake the blankets and towels up wind causing another trip to go rinse off. But that is a lesson that is easily forgotten over a whole year. By now the first sign of sunburn starts to show. I always check by pressing my hands to my stomach to see the print. Yep. I’ll be sunburned.

The greatest thing about the beach house is the outside showers. I love showering outside. Actually being naked outside is a good thing. This is the only time I can get away with it, legally. I’m sure the familiar sting on the thighs from the sun exposure will be apparent but that can be combated by two more beers, a shot of Patron and a little aloe. I know I committed to the sunburn but shit, I’m not trying to kill myself.

We will have to pace ourselves for first night because there is still a few more to go. I think after a great dinner, buying shot glasses and airbrushed shirts on the boardwalk we will go back and crank up the stereo. Then sit on the front deck with a few beers and meet the neighbors by playing Billy Idol way too loud. It has always been an ice breaker for me. Hopefully this time it will not include a police introduction as well.

So that’s our virtual beach trip. I say we do this for real. How ‘boucha?

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