Oh boy. I have so much to say and now I don’t know how to begin. So, I’ll just start. My awesome uncle is dating twins. I wouldn’t believe it if I had not gone on a “double-date” with them. And what did this date consist of? We all went out to eat and get our future read by a tarot card reader. I swear to God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, George or any deity you choose. This happened.
If you have been reading VeggieMacabre for a while then you may be familiar with my favorite uncle, Uncle Mark. Never in my life have I known anyone who can become genuinely excited over a road map or a laser pointer. He grasps life with both hands and throws caution to the wind everyday of his life. His heart is three sizes larger than a normal person’s and when it comes time to march, his beat is his very own. What a beat it is!
But with all that known, it doesn’t lessen the hilarity of what Uncle Mark does or the positions he gets in. On a fateful day he was minding his own business in a Dunkin Donuts when two twin sisters spotted him and asked him out. I know, so incredibly random I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. Regardless, his cool points among his peers reached a new high.
So here they are. Do you like my sneaky picture? I had to cough over the “click” sound but to be honest, even if I didn’t, I don’t think they would have noticed. Or rather, I don’t think I would care.
Well, after memorable conversation and my 11 beers and shot to numb the night, it was time for the girls to get their fortunes read. At $25 bucks each my poor Uncle tossed out $50 to Mad’am Stratella (actual name) and they trotted off behind the curtain to find out the inevitable.
While we waited I had to ask my Uncle Mark if he was really serious about these two. I didn’t get the impression that they were using him but for life of me, I couldn’t understand their angle. Mark told me he was just having fun and it was a little flattering that they were fighting over who gets to be with him. I guess I could understand that. I mean hell, they were getting their fortunes read to see who would be the lucky one that gets to have a life of sausage sandwiches and shopping at Cabella’s.
Soon the twins came back to the table looking a little disappointed. The curiosity was bubbling over and Mark wasted no time in asking. Was the $50 bucks worth it? Would they hold the answers to life’s greatest unknowns? Was the meatloaf I ate really that day’s special?
No. They didn’t find out any of that. But what they did inquire about the fate of their sick cat and whether they should put it down or wait it out. I guess there are no tarrot cards for cats. For $50 they were left to decide for themselves. But not without some sound advice from Uncle Mark.
With total sincerity and in all seriousness he offered his services.
“If you want I can just drop it off in front of a Chinese restaurant?”
And with that, the night came to a dramatic end. (sigh….)
There it is! The canvas for my Christmas expression! And it was only $6 so I can’t feel too bad if I butcher it with gaudy crap. It’s not like I went to the mall and picked up a Kashmir sweater. I just pray that no one died in it.
Yes. I went to Hancock Fabrics. Wanna fight about it? Ok, well I decided that on the back of the sweater I needed a reindeer’s ass. This was not on the said lost sweater. This is my invention. So you can see the antlers that I cut off a novelty headband and fabric to cut out the body from. I am the type of person that will always get the carpenter’s rule of thumb, “measure twice, cut once”, backwards. I just jumped in with a permanent marker and scissors and went to town.
Reindeer are males, right? It’s hard to imagine Donner and Blitzen as girls and if I am not mistaken, wasn’t Donner Rudolf’s father? Did I just make all that up? Oh well, he needs testicles so there will be no confusion. Christmas balls!
You can’t buy shit like this, folks! Seriously, where would you find this? Now for the front. This is where I have “borrowed” the idea from eBay. But that was sewn and I am gluing. I feel confident that the glue will hold because Billy May’s said it would. He has an outside voice.
Isn’t he cute? Well don’t get too attached because his head is coming off and I am gluing it to my sweater.
It’s kind of funny but Kootanee actually watches TV. About a second after I took the picture above a bear came on the television and Kootanee ran into the bathroom and it took me about a half an hour to get him to come out. Poor guy. I gave him the headless bodies.
Now that I safely decapped the snowmen it is now time for gluing. But first I had to measure the position they were to be in. This takes both precision and a degree of shamelessness. You’ll see why.
I have no shame. Who do I think I am? My Mom would be so disappointed in me. I apologize, I really do. Me and my naked feet.
As you can see I am going for the Madonna style with the carrot noses. They are not as big as I would like but they’ll do. Why should I complain, though? I have bigger issues like the fact am a 30 year old guy making a Christmas sweater.
I’m not going to lie to you, I am pretty proud of the way this turned out. Making crafts has never been my bag. I went on a date a long time ago to paint pottery and drink wine. It’s a quirky Atlanta thing. Anyway, I finished it, brought it home and it leaked. True, I didn’t make the bowl, but that was a sign that all things creative should not come from my kidneys. (points to forehead)
And it fits! That’s really all that matters anyway, right? Happy Holidays.
Casserole of Disaster 