How A Guy Makes A Christmas Sweater


It’s that time of year again! Time to roll out the holly, deck the halls, drink the eggnog and buy your dad English Leather. But this year I am adding a new tradition. I am going to make my own Christmas sweater and attend at least one holiday ugly sweater party. Lucky for me I was invited to one and I don’t have to crash a complete stranger’s shindig.

So now is the question of how does a guy go about making a Christmas sweater, anyway? Well, I need a sweater. That’s the first step.  TO VALUE VILLAGE!

img_0365There it is! The canvas for my Christmas expression! And it was only $6 so I can’t feel too bad if I butcher it with gaudy crap. It’s not like I went to the mall and picked up a Kashmir sweater. I just pray that no one died in it.

What you are about to see in the next few pictures was inspired by a lost bid on eBay and even as I write this I am still stewing over that loss. I take the most stupid shit personally sometimes. Anyway, I lost and now I am stealing the concept and doing it myself. I hope who ever bought that sweater online is happy they paid $210. Maybe it’ll give them a rash.

I am starting with the back of the sweater because the front is 3D. You know where I am going with this.

img_0377Yes. I went to Hancock Fabrics. Wanna fight about it? Ok, well I decided that on the back of the sweater I needed a reindeer’s ass. This was not on the said lost sweater. This is my invention. So you can see the antlers that I cut off a novelty headband and fabric to cut out the body from. I am the type of person that will always get the carpenter’s rule of thumb, “measure twice, cut once”, backwards. I just jumped in with a permanent marker and scissors and went to town.

img_0378img_0379Reindeer are males, right? It’s hard to imagine Donner and Blitzen as girls and if I am not mistaken, wasn’t Donner Rudolf’s father? Did I just make all that up? Oh well, he needs testicles so there will be no confusion. Christmas balls!

img_0383img_0385You can’t buy shit like this, folks! Seriously, where would you find this? Now for the front. This is where I have “borrowed” the idea from eBay. But that was sewn and I am gluing. I feel confident that the glue will hold because Billy May’s said it would. He has an outside voice.

img_0370Isn’t he cute? Well don’t get too attached because his head is coming off and I am gluing it to my sweater.

Oh, and there is Kootanee. We are best buddies now.

img_0372img_0373It’s kind of funny but Kootanee actually watches TV. About a second after I took the picture above a bear came on the television and Kootanee ran into the bathroom and it took me about a half an hour to get him to come out. Poor guy. I gave him the headless bodies.

img_0374Now that I safely decapped the snowmen it is now time for gluing. But first I had to measure the position they were to be in. This takes both precision and a degree of shamelessness. You’ll see why.

img_0380I have no shame. Who do I think I am? My Mom would be so disappointed in me. I apologize, I really do. Me and my naked feet.

img_0381As you can see I am going for the Madonna style with the carrot noses. They are not as big as I would like but they’ll do. Why should I complain, though? I have bigger issues like the fact am a 30 year old guy making a Christmas sweater.

img_0392img_0393I’m not going to lie to you, I am pretty proud of the way this turned out. Making crafts has never been my bag. I went on a date a long time ago to paint pottery and drink wine. It’s a quirky Atlanta thing. Anyway, I finished it, brought it home and it leaked. True, I didn’t make the bowl, but that was a sign that all things creative should not come from my kidneys. (points to forehead)

img_04031And it fits! That’s really all that matters anyway, right? Happy Holidays.

55 thoughts on “How A Guy Makes A Christmas Sweater

  1. I can’t believe you didn’t take home a blue ribbon for this gem. Your craftiness puts my baking skills to shame… so why aren’t you smiling like you were for that animal art t-shirt?

    I think the contrast of the frown and the snowmen boobs makes for a funny picture. It’s hard to look serious when you have reindeer balls on your back.

  2. Mystie’s not gonna like this bombshell. Or maybe she will. She doesn’t seem to be THAT engaged. 😉

    That whole picture has “Facebook” written all over it. You should join us. At least for the XE group.

    I am on Facebook and apart of the XE group. Add me to your friend list!

  3. When you’re done with the sweater, turn it into a bikini.

    Snowmen for the breasts – little string between, around and more for a halter strap. There has to be some way to turn the reindeer’s ass into a bottom? The bell balls could then be a nice little centre front decoration (where a rose or a bow might ordinarily go)…

    It’s always nice to make the most out of one’s crafts. Winter. Summer.

    Reduce, Reuse, Recycle my friend.

    I’m on it! I may breach some photo rating thing when I post pictures of me in a bikini and Christmas balls. But, who cares. 😉

  4. WOW! That is sooo creative! I’m so proud! I like the front and the behind idea… like an old woman’s cat sweater… with the cat butts… I think you know what I’m talking about… 🙂

    I do know those. That’s funny. You’re proud? I’m proud of it even more now. 🙂

  5. That is stupendous! You’ll be the belle of the ball. Now, THIS is a sweater that should be auctioned on E-Bay.

    There’s an XE group on Facebook? I just joined Facebook last week. I had no idea!

  6. Way to go Crafty McCrafterson!! I’m truly impressed. I may have to hire you to help me out with some of my crafts.

    When wearing the sweater just be careful not to lean too far back when you sit down…you wouldn’t want to crush any reindeer balls.

  7. Extra hugs for you because you are bff with the second cutest dog in the world and he is your baby now.

    My mother-in-law, her sisters and I decided to do an either make your gift or buy it from Goodwill kind of Christmas. You’ve given me some great ideas.

  8. That sweater is beyond brilliant. And I’m betting that if you put it on e-bay, that ass who beat you out for the original would pay a LOT more than $210 for it.

  9. I heard a dumb fact recently…male reindeer shed antlers in the fall, females in the spring. SO if Santa’s reindeer have antlers, they are female. But then again, we are talking about a never dying man who flies in a sled. I think if he can do that, he can make the males keep their antlers as well.

  10. Ohh man. I love those reindeer balls.
    I’d love to do a front and Back of that…
    a happy little front with a Rudolph with a red ornament nose and the back witha pair of ornament reindeer balls.

  11. Willie Bill,

    I adore you and if I weren’t old enough to be your slightly older sister, what wouldn’t I do.

    You are brilliant and hilarious and you make this old….er uh, I mean, bold..BOLD that’s.. bold woman laugh her bulbous…er, I mean ebullient ass off.

    I wish you a happy merry and nothing but good things in 09 my darling.

    This post had me in stitches. I love the sweaters. They’re an homage to Testaclese, the patron saint of Christmas Nad-tivity.

    Much love to you baby,
    Laurie the K
    Houston, TX.

  12. My dad was always a Brut or Stetson recipient.

    You are so freaking funny. This sweater is the best. The reindeer balls are genius. What a masterpiece. I think if you use your talents for good instead of evil (or at least bizarre) you will be running the world in a very short time.

  13. OH MY GOSH…how did I miss this!?!?! A fine accomplishment in Arts and Crafts, and you look absolutely precious!!! 🙂

    Just call me snow-tits

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