Category: 1

Man Crush

I’m going to throw this out here, not because I feel that I have to but just to make sure there is no confusion. I am a straight male. I am not going to beat this to a pulp and risk painting VeggieMacabe into a “hey I’m not gay” blog because there is nothing in the world wrong with being gay. I just wanted this post to be in the appropriate perspective. Hey, I’m a 90’s guy! Anyway, tonight I am going to name a few of my man crushes. I think this is a funny term that was called to my attention thanks to Pam when she accused me of having a man crush based on my respect for a certain celebrity. So what? So I have a man crush? I am secure in my manly male maleness.

Alton Brown. This guy is to culinary science what Newton is to gravity. I could watch Good Eats for days on end and be better for it. How can this guy possibly know so much about food? He knows the chemical beak-down of a snow pea and some how makes it relevant! Unbelievable! There has never been a time when I turned off Alton from the tube and said, “well that was a waste of time”. Each show has a quirky way about it filled with humor and valuable information like in South America people eat toasted ants instead of popcorn and beets can look edible when talked up proper. Mr. Brown, I am in awe of you sir.

It’s Hal from Malcolm In The Middle! Actually it’s Bryan Cranston and this guy is the funniest dude in the world. In. The. World. World as in Earth. I have seen every episode of Malcolm In The Middle and the only ones I truly love center around Hal. No dude can rock tighty whities like Bry-Guy and no one can wear a body suit with the intention for speed walking. His duality between physical comedy and his dark portrayal of a professor turned meth maker in his latest AMC series leaves no question in his acting ability. One of the greats!

Bear Grylls. I know there was a question about the validity of his show, Man vs Wild, but his resume far out weighs whether he spends an entire night in a snow cave or not. So lets see, he was in the British SAS, the youngest guy to scale Mt. Everest and did so only a year after breaking his back from a bad airborne jump, volunteered to attend a French Foreign Legion bootcamp in AFRICA, and…well…you’ve seen the show. My point is, this guy is a badass in every sense of the word. I have much respect for him, especially for the British Special Air Service (SAS) since I used to work with them in Kosovo. In order to be in that elite team you have to be special. Bear is the man and I’ll go heels with anyone who says otherwise.

I consider Joel McHale somewhat of a hero. Who else keeps the retards of current pop culture in check? No longer can MTV and Tyra Banks get away with the crap they put out. Even the untouchable queen of daytime TV, Oprah gets hers. Oprahs Vagay-jay! And here I thought South Park were the only ones with all the balls. Joel’s snarkiness is a great conduit to rip on all the ridiculous crap we as views have to endure. Thank you Joel.

Still have mad respect for young Jame Hetfield. This picture embodies the changing face of metal and the brain behind “Kill ’em All”, “Puppets” and “Ride The Lightning”. He was an absolute genius and a model for all front-men from then on. I truly believe young James Hetfield was one of the greatest artists ever to bless rock.

Old Hetfield, no thanks. I am so tired of the whiny disposition that Metallica portrays. Between him and Urlich talking at length about how hard it is to do what you love all the time. How it sucks to be on the road and being a dad is the center of all life. Yeah, we get. So retire already before you put out a Kidz Bop album. God I wish I didn’t see Some Kind Of Monster! There is a reason why Bruce Dickinson and Lemey don’t do shit that that. Ugh!

Thomas Jane did a bang up job as The Punisher, didn’t he? He did many of his own stunts and trained with Navy SEALs just to get in the appropriate shape that reflects what Frank Castle would look like out of the comic book. That dedication is admirable. I have been killing myself in the gym for the past few years and the Thomas Jane look is what I’m going for but….apparently he doesn’t eat Dijorno pizza and beer. What are you going to do?

So that is my list of “man crushes”. See? You can be straight as an arrow and feel perfectly confident it is ok to say you have a man crush. It’s more like the “guy’s guy” or the “man’s man”. I’m going to stop here before I embarrass myself any further. If you need me I’ll be doing curls while watching Nascar and burping.

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Ninja In North Idaho?

Why didn’t anybody tell me the master of martial arts lives not only in the same state, but in the same area as me?!?!? Here I drove 2,400 miles thinking that all North Idaho had to offer was bears, moose and possibly Bigfoot. Oh how wrong was I! In this great state of Idaho, a young man holds the power and knowledge of some pretty frickn’ sweet moves. If you generally skip the YouTube videos on here I urge you to reconsider. It will change your opinion on the ability of the human body……and mind.

I know you are laughing right now but hear me out. Dude is punching while weighted down with at least 5lbs. Can you imagine when those beasts are released? And did you check out the facial intensity? It is like his eyes can wield the power of Earth Wind and Fire. We are in the presence of greatness my friends.

I could live without the commentary but if I was filming this I would be in awe too. Perhaps it’s the height of the kicks or the almost round, round house kicks. I might be ignorant to the fighting style but I have to find a comparison. Or at least a look-a-like.

Maybe. The intensity is definitely there but the execution is different. I wouldn’t compare the two like apples and oranges. More like apples and salad tongs.

Well, the equation is coming together but it’s still a bit off. Perhaps if we combine the two together and include massive head trauma we would get…

Perfect! It’s shockingly perfect. The Great White Ninja of North Idaho and his dojo/backyard is only a few miles from my residence. I must seek out the master and learn his ways.

This guy has a great imagination. You can almost see his creative world and the imaginary predicament he is in. I bet in his mind he is surrounded by 5, no, 15 guys and he is warning of the intensive training he holds thanks to the three “Kung Fu and You” instructional videos.

“You guys don’t want to tangle with me unless you want a little bit OF THIS!!! AND SOME OF THAT!!!!”

Thank you Idaho Ninja. And thank you dickhead neighbors.

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Ghosts: Maybe?

Ok, let me throw out a disclaimer before you read this. I am normal and I put science and reasoning before all oddities and paranormal conclusions. BUT, it is fun to think the things that go bump in the night might actually be spooky. So, read this with a level of skepticism, as I only believe what I see. I just find it fascinating.

Have you ever watched the show Ghost Hunters on the SciFi channel? I love this show and it’s not because of the scare factor. Really, it’s neat to watch blue collar folks take a hobby to an epic scale and then get thrust into celebrity status by doing what they love. Jason and Grant, the founders of TAPS (The Atlantic paranormal Society) and plumbers for Roto-Rooter, travel around the country with a few other members “debunking” claims of paranormal happenings. Sometimes they are able to do so but at times they can not. There is nothing cooler than watching their evidence of paranormal anomalies. Check this out from the St. Augustine Lighthouse. INSANE!

Yikes! I have been to that lighthouse and I can attest to the fact there is no way to fake this video. Unless of course everyone is in on the hoax. But that isn’t likely. I like to live in a world of blind naivate’ so let me believe in that.

The next video is also from a Sci-Fi show called Ghost Adventures. Now this chilled me to the bone. I like to think that I am an even keeled person and all that is on TV should be looked at through an eye of skepticism but what these guys film had me believing. I don’t know what’s going on in these south western ghost towns but jumpin’ Jesus it was frightening. Mainly because you can hear the sheer terror in their voices that you know is legit. I have been in real life situations where I have heard grown men scream in a way that I have never heard in any movie by any actor. I heard them scream that way in the documentary and that alone frightened me very badly.

You can’t believe everything people tell you and I understand that. I don’t understand why people would make up stories though. Personally I would be embarrassed if I was dealing with a problem of no specific origin. I mean, who would you turn to and what would people think? It’s not like you can walk into a church and fill canteens full of holy water. Plus, the people who dabble in the occult and paranormal, for the most part, can be eccentric at best.

The next couple of videos is from a British documentary and I must say it is creep as hell. You be the judge but I can’t say that it is hooky. The dude being choked in the beginning looked kind of funny but the ninth minute of the first video was just cool. I’m sorry, but that looked as ghostly as anything I have ever seen. And the pictures at the beginning of the second one just gives me the heebs. I’m glad I am writing this at night, alone on a mountain in a rainstorm. I think I just saw Scuzzlebutt.

Sorry about that last part. I hope you didn’t spill something on yourself. Fuckin’ eh, I did.

So if you are asking yourself, “why is this dude writing about such a ridiculous thing”, I will answer, “because I want to assmaster!” Just kidding. But seriously, I have had an experience and it has had me thinking for sometime. But most of all, it has been comforting. Do you think that is crazy? So here is my story.

I have been to Savannah, GA no less that one thousand times. Shit, I used to live there when I was in the Army. But it has only been the past few years that I have taken interest in the history of the old city. And it is a dark and macabre past. Did you know that most of the city is one giant grave yard? They just buried people where ever back in the day. Only the rich were given Christian burial privileges. So Savannah is known to be the most haunted city in America and it was there that I became a believer.

It happened here at The Pirate House. I knew about this place and the fact real pirates used to drink here as well as the ghost sightings but as many times as I had been there before, no luck. Only a fat bill and over priced beer. I dragged my poor ex-girlfriend there every time we visited and she had to put up with my dumb questions about peoples’ experiences.

But last year I went on business and I was able to pop over there at 10pm for a quick few Ghost Ales (excellent). They close at 11pm so I was the lone person at the long bar. I kept my dumb questions to myself because the bartender was busy closing down and didn’t seem like the chatty type. I couldn’t blame her. So, I half payed attention to the game on the flat screen at the opposite end of the bar and flipped through my Blackberry.

Then I heard someone running down the steps, very fast and loud, just out of view where the TV was. The figure stopped smack infront of the screen. I didn’t look right at him but kept flipping through old messages on my phone, quite aware that this rude figure made a better door than a window. Finally I put my phone down, picked up my beer and looked to see who was blocking the view and there was no one there.

I felt like I was floating. Finally, I have touched the ethereal plain. I can’t remember if I was holding my beer or I put it down but just as I was about to close my open jaw the bartender kick the double doors open from the kitchen, holding a glass rack. I about jumped out of my skin. She saw my face and just ginned.

“You saw something, huh?” Her candor towards the matter was about as shocking as the experience itself. I told her what happened and she smiled and nodded the whole time. When I told her about the loud noise of running down the stairs she stopped me and asked me to follow her to the end of the bar. I did so and when I turned the corner every hair stood on end.

There were no stairs at all. It was just a wall and an old wine barrel with a model ship on top. She explained that before the kitchen expanded there used to be a staircase to the upstairs but that had been removed years ago. I think she felt that I needed another drink so she and I went to another bar and proceeded to get drunk. I needed that.

The more I thought about my experience the more comforting it felt. Maybe there is something beyond death? I am hard pressed to believe that when we die there are pearly gates and a list but maybe we do go on? The thought that is disturbing is whatever came down the stairs, stopped for a good five minutes and I don’t think it was looking at the TV. It was looking at me. Goooood God that is creepy!

Do you think I’m crazy? Have you had any experiences?

Sleep tight!

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Random Misconceptions In My Life

I have been on this planet for 30.674 years and in that time I have learned alot. But I have also been quite ignorant of a few things as well. Have you ever figured out that you have been saying words or phrases completely wrong your entire life until you read it in a book and then it dawns on you that you are indeed completely retarded explaining why people just sigh openly in your presence?  Happens on a daily basis for me. That is why I have an alias as an extraterrestrial and eat bananas with the peel on. Here are a few of my blond moments. Sorry Pam and SH,  I’m not suggesting blonds are dumb. It’s just a saying. 🙂

Words and Phrases:

“One fail swoop”– Yep, I have been wrong this whole time but really, I think my version is much better. I have always said “one fowl swoop”. The correct phrase makes no sense what so ever! At least you can visualize mine as a fowl (duck), swooping down and picking something up in one said motion. The notion of a fail swoop? Whatever. You fail!

“Conniption fit”– I will admit I sound like an idiot on this one. Even though I am sure I have posted this little faux pa on here before I have to share this again. I have been saying, up until a few months ago, “canipshit”. A friend of mine finally stopped the madness and corrected me but too little too late. There are currently at least a thousand people walking around this great country of ours with full knowledge that there is a guy with the last name of Webster who has the loosest interpretation of the English language. I think canipshit sounds like a great name for cat litter.

“For all intents and purposes”– I’m one of those who have said “for all intensive purposes”. I know, you can hate me but I have cured it. I have also dropped the ‘s’ from “anyways”. There is a cure for those little annoying slips. Much like a rubber band snap on the wrist for cursing, I take a cap full shot of Drain-o. Broke that habit in a day!

“I would just assume”– You know you say “I would just as soon” too. I can’t be the only one? Or maybe I can.

Chest of drawers– Are you sure it’s not Chester Drawers? I thought he invented those?

People and Places:

Whaaaaaaaat? What do you mean Brent Muscant from Faster Pussycats is a guy? I have always tipped my hat to the Pussycats for having a hot chick guitarist to break the mold of the all guy hair band in the late eighties. Now I just feel dirty. Especially since I thought that this cover was a weird Asian boob shot as a kid. Well Hell. Next you are going to tell me that the bassist of 4 Non Blondes is a girl.

Well slap my butt and call me Booberella! The bassist is Christina Hillhouse. I feel kind of bad about that but if it’s any consolation, she is one hell of a base player. Even if she looks like Justin Timberlake with a better nose. What are you going to tell me next? That Cabo Wabo isn’t a city in Mexico and Sammy Hagar isn’t the mayor either?

No wonder my letters to Mayor Hagar requesting political asylum have gone unanswered! Cabo Wabo is a bar and Sammy Hagar is just the owner. I have had daydreams about getting the key to Cabo Wabo from Sammy for rocking the greatest Karaoke likeness to his song ‘Heavy Metal’. “Heavy Metal Noiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!”

Dumb Misspellings:

I am the king of funny spellings. I am sure you have witnessed some real humdingers here on VeggieMacabre and actually, I wear that badge of stupidity with pride. Why you ask? Well, my Dad is near super genius and he spells much like a dyslexic four year old transcribing a lecture on micro biology. Here are words that no matter what I do, I will always misspell them.

Brilliant and genius- Irony! I always add an ‘ou’ or an ‘e’ to these.

Friends- ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’, you big dum-dum.

Surprise- Nope! No ‘Z’!

Accidentally- I write like I speak and I speak like a slack-jaw yokle at times. That’s why I spell this accidently.

Banana- Bananna? Bananah? Bannana? Banananananaaanah? Banannannannannannaaannaa? Banannannnanaaananannaa…oops, just pooped a little. 😐

I hope I haven’t painted the picture that I am in need of a helmet and a harness. I just want to make it known that even though you may think that I am perfect, I am really less of a God, but still more of a man. now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. It’s not everyday you get to be the keynote speaker at Big Heads Anonymous.

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Movies That Make You Shower

Have you ever seen a movie and felt so disturbed that you feel like brushing your teeth and taking a shower? God I have and for some strange reason, I love it. Almost to the point that if I don’t walk away with that dark, creepy feeling, I am somehow let down. I need help, I know. Here are a few of the movies that have stuck with me over the years and resulted in my carbon footprint being much larger thanks to the amount of lights left on over night. Now that it is almost October I feel a little less weird posting this.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

This is the king of all movies disturbing and macabre. I can never quite get through the whole dinner scene without taking a break and reminding myself that it’s just a movie. I guess the real reason this movie is so scary is the fact it is not supernatural at all. It is a realistic account of sick, cannibalistic killers that torment a poor girl to the point of making her completely insane. Another creepy factor is the fact a majority of the movie happens in the daytime and that plays on the mind. But the good thing about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is you can take away some good points to live by. Never pick up hitchhikers, never buy BBQ from a gas station, skip driving through central Texas and above all else, before you watch this movie be sure to have plenty of soap in the shower. You’ll need it.

Basket Case III

They sure don’t make movies like this anymore. I saw it when I was a young teen, flipping back and forth between this and the original HeadBanger’s Ball. The movie itself is very campy but the freaks and Grammy Ruth chilled me to the bone. Today’s feature flicks leave out the latex special effects and that is too bad. Kids of today might not get to experience a complete appetite killer like this B rated dump in a box which proves what I have been saying for years: we are raising little wussy kids. Here is the trailer and please, if you are eating something, you might want to put it down for a minute.

Troll

I bet you have seen this flick and you are asking, “why is this on the ‘need to take a shower’ list?”. Well, to be perfectly honest, I saw this when I was 8 and it was the frickin’ singing mushroom, man. And it was a good mushroom too! I can’t quite explain it but the fact there was singing fungus made me cringe. It’s funny what bugs a kid. I also hated Falcor the Luck Dragon’s back in The Never Ending Story. I thought it looked like white corn on the cob.

See? I was a weird kid.

The Stuff

Thanks to this cinematic gem I wasn’t able to eat yogurt, sour cream, mayonnaise, cream cheese, cottage cheese, vanilla pudding, marshmallow, the center of an Oreo, mozzarella, ricotta, or whipped butter. My kid cholesterol level was happy but it made dinner preparation for mom a little difficult. I never got over my mayo hate but luckily time heals all wounds and The Stuff faded from my mind over the years. I can once again scrape the white Oreo center with my front teeth.

The Gate

Oh The Gate! This was on HBO at least 30 times a day back in the mid eighties. I told myself not to watch it but every time, I found myself on the recliner with Cheese Puffs out of the can in hand, preparing to not sleep for a week. Its not that the movie is scary by any means, it just has a few gross parts and some disturbing claymation. And really, that’s all I need to feel grossed out. Especially when one of the characters turns into a demon and pusses out in a bathroom stall. There are no happy thoughts that can wipe that image away.

Spookies

1986 was the year for bad, really bad, horror flicks. Thank God for 1986! This is one of the worst by far but as a kid, I was petrified of it. I want to thank my Uncle Nat for renting this when the VCR was very much like the Wii of today. Nat was probably about 20 at the time and he was kind enough to hang out with an 8 year old but clearly, he didn’t understand what would scar a kid for life. Even today he’ll call me on my birthday just to say, “happy birthday Billlllyyyyy”.  I’m surprised I don’t remember the farting zombies. You would think that would stand out. Perhaps that escaped my attention from hiding behind the couch.

Braindead

Let me see, what can I say about this film? Nope, there are no words. There are only involuntary bodily functions that can sum up my feelings on this. Braindead covered all the bases of what would scare a kid and make them feel dirty for weeks on end. Babies in a blender to an old lady decomposing in her cream soup. Barf!!! The only thing I can do is show you this as an apology for the trailer.

There. Feel better? Good.

The Sentinel (1977)

Now this movie scared me so bad my feet went to sleep. That happens from time to time and it is a clear indication that the movie is really terrifying. If you haven’t seen this before and you like the horror genre, check it out. It will make you think twice about renting an apartment in the city. This video is pretty scary so proceed with caution. I give an A to whoever paired Bach with the scenes. Ultra creepy. I would give this an A plus but I just found out that the keyboard on my computer has two minuses and no pluses. What the fuck?

Don’t watch this at work!

I think this just knocked the moral compass of this blog down about a hundred steps but I want you to imagine this. Can you picture the puppeteers and the people doing the sex voices behind the scenes? Oh to be a fly on the wall at that studio!

Well, that is a wrap on the movies that make you want to decontaminate yourself. I know there are a thousand more but these are the ones that stuck out in my head. I hope you walked away with something but then again, it might be better if you didn’t. I’m going to post more of these type of blogs. That is what I started out doing and now that it is the spooky time of the year, why not?

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