I have been on this planet for 30.674 years and in that time I have learned alot. But I have also been quite ignorant of a few things as well. Have you ever figured out that you have been saying words or phrases completely wrong your entire life until you read it in a book and then it dawns on you that you are indeed completely retarded explaining why people just sigh openly in your presence? Happens on a daily basis for me. That is why I have an alias as an extraterrestrial and eat bananas with the peel on. Here are a few of my blond moments. Sorry Pam and SH, I’m not suggesting blonds are dumb. It’s just a saying. 🙂
Words and Phrases:
“One fail swoop”– Yep, I have been wrong this whole time but really, I think my version is much better. I have always said “one fowl swoop”. The correct phrase makes no sense what so ever! At least you can visualize mine as a fowl (duck), swooping down and picking something up in one said motion. The notion of a fail swoop? Whatever. You fail!
“Conniption fit”– I will admit I sound like an idiot on this one. Even though I am sure I have posted this little faux pa on here before I have to share this again. I have been saying, up until a few months ago, “canipshit”. A friend of mine finally stopped the madness and corrected me but too little too late. There are currently at least a thousand people walking around this great country of ours with full knowledge that there is a guy with the last name of Webster who has the loosest interpretation of the English language. I think canipshit sounds like a great name for cat litter.
“For all intents and purposes”– I’m one of those who have said “for all intensive purposes”. I know, you can hate me but I have cured it. I have also dropped the ‘s’ from “anyways”. There is a cure for those little annoying slips. Much like a rubber band snap on the wrist for cursing, I take a cap full shot of Drain-o. Broke that habit in a day!
“I would just assume”– You know you say “I would just as soon” too. I can’t be the only one? Or maybe I can.
Chest of drawers– Are you sure it’s not Chester Drawers? I thought he invented those?
People and Places:
Whaaaaaaaat? What do you mean Brent Muscant from Faster Pussycats is a guy? I have always tipped my hat to the Pussycats for having a hot chick guitarist to break the mold of the all guy hair band in the late eighties. Now I just feel dirty. Especially since I thought that this cover was a weird Asian boob shot as a kid. Well Hell. Next you are going to tell me that the bassist of 4 Non Blondes is a girl.
Well slap my butt and call me Booberella! The bassist is Christina Hillhouse. I feel kind of bad about that but if it’s any consolation, she is one hell of a base player. Even if she looks like Justin Timberlake with a better nose. What are you going to tell me next? That Cabo Wabo isn’t a city in Mexico and Sammy Hagar isn’t the mayor either?
No wonder my letters to Mayor Hagar requesting political asylum have gone unanswered! Cabo Wabo is a bar and Sammy Hagar is just the owner. I have had daydreams about getting the key to Cabo Wabo from Sammy for rocking the greatest Karaoke likeness to his song ‘Heavy Metal’. “Heavy Metal Noiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!”
I am the king of funny spellings. I am sure you have witnessed some real humdingers here on VeggieMacabre and actually, I wear that badge of stupidity with pride. Why you ask? Well, my Dad is near super genius and he spells much like a dyslexic four year old transcribing a lecture on micro biology. Here are words that no matter what I do, I will always misspell them.
Brilliant and genius- Irony! I always add an ‘ou’ or an ‘e’ to these.
Friends- ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’, you big dum-dum.
Surprise- Nope! No ‘Z’!
Accidentally- I write like I speak and I speak like a slack-jaw yokle at times. That’s why I spell this accidently.
Banana- Bananna? Bananah? Bannana? Banananananaaanah? Banannannannannannaaannaa? Banannannnanaaananannaa…oops, just pooped a little. 😐
I hope I haven’t painted the picture that I am in need of a helmet and a harness. I just want to make it known that even though you may think that I am perfect, I am really less of a God, but still more of a man. now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. It’s not everyday you get to be the keynote speaker at Big Heads Anonymous.