I have been on this planet for 30.674 years and in that time I have learned alot. But I have also been quite ignorant of a few things as well. Have you ever figured out that you have been saying words or phrases completely wrong your entire life until you read it in a book and then it dawns on you that you are indeed completely retarded explaining why people just sigh openly in your presence? Happens on a daily basis for me. That is why I have an alias as an extraterrestrial and eat bananas with the peel on. Here are a few of my blond moments. Sorry Pam and SH, I’m not suggesting blonds are dumb. It’s just a saying. 🙂
Words and Phrases:
“One fail swoop”– Yep, I have been wrong this whole time but really, I think my version is much better. I have always said “one fowl swoop”. The correct phrase makes no sense what so ever! At least you can visualize mine as a fowl (duck), swooping down and picking something up in one said motion. The notion of a fail swoop? Whatever. You fail!
“Conniption fit”– I will admit I sound like an idiot on this one. Even though I am sure I have posted this little faux pa on here before I have to share this again. I have been saying, up until a few months ago, “canipshit”. A friend of mine finally stopped the madness and corrected me but too little too late. There are currently at least a thousand people walking around this great country of ours with full knowledge that there is a guy with the last name of Webster who has the loosest interpretation of the English language. I think canipshit sounds like a great name for cat litter.
“For all intents and purposes”– I’m one of those who have said “for all intensive purposes”. I know, you can hate me but I have cured it. I have also dropped the ‘s’ from “anyways”. There is a cure for those little annoying slips. Much like a rubber band snap on the wrist for cursing, I take a cap full shot of Drain-o. Broke that habit in a day!
“I would just assume”– You know you say “I would just as soon” too. I can’t be the only one? Or maybe I can.
Chest of drawers– Are you sure it’s not Chester Drawers? I thought he invented those?
People and Places:
Whaaaaaaaat? What do you mean Brent Muscant from Faster Pussycats is a guy? I have always tipped my hat to the Pussycats for having a hot chick guitarist to break the mold of the all guy hair band in the late eighties. Now I just feel dirty. Especially since I thought that this cover was a weird Asian boob shot as a kid. Well Hell. Next you are going to tell me that the bassist of 4 Non Blondes is a girl.
Well slap my butt and call me Booberella! The bassist is Christina Hillhouse. I feel kind of bad about that but if it’s any consolation, she is one hell of a base player. Even if she looks like Justin Timberlake with a better nose. What are you going to tell me next? That Cabo Wabo isn’t a city in Mexico and Sammy Hagar isn’t the mayor either?
No wonder my letters to Mayor Hagar requesting political asylum have gone unanswered! Cabo Wabo is a bar and Sammy Hagar is just the owner. I have had daydreams about getting the key to Cabo Wabo from Sammy for rocking the greatest Karaoke likeness to his song ‘Heavy Metal’. “Heavy Metal Noiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!”
Dumb Misspellings:
I am the king of funny spellings. I am sure you have witnessed some real humdingers here on VeggieMacabre and actually, I wear that badge of stupidity with pride. Why you ask? Well, my Dad is near super genius and he spells much like a dyslexic four year old transcribing a lecture on micro biology. Here are words that no matter what I do, I will always misspell them.
Brilliant and genius- Irony! I always add an ‘ou’ or an ‘e’ to these.
Friends- ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’, you big dum-dum.
Surprise- Nope! No ‘Z’!
Accidentally- I write like I speak and I speak like a slack-jaw yokle at times. That’s why I spell this accidently.
Banana- Bananna? Bananah? Bannana? Banananananaaanah? Banannannannannannaaannaa? Banannannnanaaananannaa…oops, just pooped a little. 😐
I hope I haven’t painted the picture that I am in need of a helmet and a harness. I just want to make it known that even though you may think that I am perfect, I am really less of a God, but still more of a man. now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. It’s not everyday you get to be the keynote speaker at Big Heads Anonymous.
Casserole of Disaster 
WARNING: GRAMMAR SNOB ALERT! (from a BLONDE, no less…)
Ok, *laughing*….the phrase “One fail swoop”? “One FELL swoop” is more like it. Shakespeare’s Macbeth brought that little idiom into action back in the day.
As for “I would just as soon…”, well that one IS valid when used in a manner similar to the following: “I would just as soon cut off both of my ears than listen to THAT music again!” or “I would just as soon work from home than battle traffic every morning.” So you get a free pass on that one.
I thought it was “fail”! I fail. Stupid urban dictionary.
An blond is spelled that was on the spell check. Blonde is underlined in red.
Hee…and this is why Microsoft Word will SCREW YOU OVER every time. Stupid Bill Gates, ruining young brilliant minds everywhere.
*By the way, totally didn’t even notice your spelling of “blond”. Technically both are right. I was just placing emphasis on the fact that I, a blonde, could be anything other than stupid. 🙂
Ooh, essaytch you beat me to it! I was feeling all smart because I noticed ‘one fell swoop’ too. But you get extra points for knowing about Macbeth. Shakespeare is awesome, did you know he totally made up a bunch of words that we still use today? And clearly, some phrases too!
And this is why I KILL at Jeopardy, Sco. 😉
BTW, how bitchy was my comment before? Holy hell…this cold medicine has DESTROYED my communication skills.
To clarify, Bill does NOT think blondes are stupid. My point (if I wasn’t under the influence of hard core over the counter drugs) is that given the stereotype, I find it ironic that a blonde could also be a grammar snob…self-proclaimed, or not.
I am currently beating myself in the face with a copy of Taming of the Shrew. Don’t worry, it’s paperback.
At least it’s not Shakespeare’s ENTIRE anthology….because that bitch only comes in hard cover. I’m just sayin’…
Besides, it would take the paramedics at least an HOUR to make it out to your house. By that time, Kootanee will likely have eaten you. Or at least shit on your head.
That damn dog….
For the life of me I can’t spell tomorrow correctly (I actually just had to look it up). I always want to spell it tomarrow or tommorow. And until I was 14 I thought all of the members of Poison were chicks. Who knew back then?
There are a couple misconceptions in this article I have been saying too that you posted about. Won’t tell you which ones though that’s a secret lol!! I say I would just as soon sometimes my best friend does too so I am glad to hear that isn’t stricken from the record. I have a love hate relationship with the spell checker in firefox. It’s handy, but there are some words that it doesn’t have. Let alone the times that I accidentally add a misspelled word to it by accidentally clicking on the add to dictionary instead of the word I wanted to replace it with. One word that isn’t in there that I have to look up from time to time is nostalgia. See I just looked it up. Also words that I misspell but it’s like I don’t misspell it in the right way for it to know what the word is that I am trying to type.
The English language is a mother fucker to learn Bill. Other countries spell words phonetically more then we do. It is pronounced how it is spelled. Us? We have silent letters all over the place. I wish Firefox had a grammar checker too. Like in Microsoft Word. You know that little green squiggly line. I have tried looking for an add on to download but have failed.
And buddy, if girls that look like guys make you uncomfortable then I don’t know how comfortable you would be around me. I understand what you meant by your comments completely I am just sayin.
I always leave out the first “r” in surprise. What’s also weird was that the exact moment that I saw your “4 Non Blondes” revelation, what just happened to be on my TV?
Why the music vid to 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up.” Freaky-deaky.
Also, I’m quite jealous that your blog gets more comments than both of mine combined…:(
I just came to say great display of the doho button.
Forget the litter, Conipshit is a good name for a cat! And I thought it was ‘one fell swoop’…shit!
holy shit Em, I thought it was “one fell swoop” too! Or maybe it is in Canada…let’s go with that so we can both still be right 😉
PS: I’m so sorry you pooped a little as you were writing this Bill! I too have had my share of pooping incidents, so I can totally relate! 😦
My friends always send me texts saying “Deifnately”. How have they not learned to spell ‘definitely’ by now?! I just ignore it. 😛
It is “one fell swoop”.
I am a major stickler for correct grammar and spelling, and normally it drives me completely insane to read incorrectly spelled or phrased writing. Your blog is so funny that I stopped caring a while ago, and really, that’s a giant compliment. I know I sound like a huge snob but I was raised by an English professor so it’s not really my fault…
“Blonde” is a noun. “Blond” is an adjective. I’m pretty sure about that one, but not 100%.
Crisitunity–I’m right there with ya! If it was anyone else’s blog, I would care…but Bill’s just so damn funny that he gets a pass!
I believe you’re right on the “blonde” vs. “blond” thing. Some dictionaries also make the distinction that “blonde” is reserved specifically to describe females, whereas “blond” is a more generic gender description. Go figure.
I’m not a real blond.
I just noticed the button there. I need to be more attentive. I’d say more but a moth is trying to eat me.