Random Misconceptions In My Life

I have been on this planet for 30.674 years and in that time I have learned alot. But I have also been quite ignorant of a few things as well. Have you ever figured out that you have been saying words or phrases completely wrong your entire life until you read it in a book and then it dawns on you that you are indeed completely retarded explaining why people just sigh openly in your presence?  Happens on a daily basis for me. That is why I have an alias as an extraterrestrial and eat bananas with the peel on. Here are a few of my blond moments. Sorry Pam and SH,  I’m not suggesting blonds are dumb. It’s just a saying. 🙂

Words and Phrases:

“One fail swoop”– Yep, I have been wrong this whole time but really, I think my version is much better. I have always said “one fowl swoop”. The correct phrase makes no sense what so ever! At least you can visualize mine as a fowl (duck), swooping down and picking something up in one said motion. The notion of a fail swoop? Whatever. You fail!

“Conniption fit”– I will admit I sound like an idiot on this one. Even though I am sure I have posted this little faux pa on here before I have to share this again. I have been saying, up until a few months ago, “canipshit”. A friend of mine finally stopped the madness and corrected me but too little too late. There are currently at least a thousand people walking around this great country of ours with full knowledge that there is a guy with the last name of Webster who has the loosest interpretation of the English language. I think canipshit sounds like a great name for cat litter.

“For all intents and purposes”– I’m one of those who have said “for all intensive purposes”. I know, you can hate me but I have cured it. I have also dropped the ‘s’ from “anyways”. There is a cure for those little annoying slips. Much like a rubber band snap on the wrist for cursing, I take a cap full shot of Drain-o. Broke that habit in a day!

“I would just assume”– You know you say “I would just as soon” too. I can’t be the only one? Or maybe I can.

Chest of drawers– Are you sure it’s not Chester Drawers? I thought he invented those?

People and Places:

Whaaaaaaaat? What do you mean Brent Muscant from Faster Pussycats is a guy? I have always tipped my hat to the Pussycats for having a hot chick guitarist to break the mold of the all guy hair band in the late eighties. Now I just feel dirty. Especially since I thought that this cover was a weird Asian boob shot as a kid. Well Hell. Next you are going to tell me that the bassist of 4 Non Blondes is a girl.

Well slap my butt and call me Booberella! The bassist is Christina Hillhouse. I feel kind of bad about that but if it’s any consolation, she is one hell of a base player. Even if she looks like Justin Timberlake with a better nose. What are you going to tell me next? That Cabo Wabo isn’t a city in Mexico and Sammy Hagar isn’t the mayor either?

No wonder my letters to Mayor Hagar requesting political asylum have gone unanswered! Cabo Wabo is a bar and Sammy Hagar is just the owner. I have had daydreams about getting the key to Cabo Wabo from Sammy for rocking the greatest Karaoke likeness to his song ‘Heavy Metal’. “Heavy Metal Noiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!”

Dumb Misspellings:

I am the king of funny spellings. I am sure you have witnessed some real humdingers here on VeggieMacabre and actually, I wear that badge of stupidity with pride. Why you ask? Well, my Dad is near super genius and he spells much like a dyslexic four year old transcribing a lecture on micro biology. Here are words that no matter what I do, I will always misspell them.

Brilliant and genius- Irony! I always add an ‘ou’ or an ‘e’ to these.

Friends- ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’, you big dum-dum.

Surprise- Nope! No ‘Z’!

Accidentally- I write like I speak and I speak like a slack-jaw yokle at times. That’s why I spell this accidently.

Banana- Bananna? Bananah? Bannana? Banananananaaanah? Banannannannannannaaannaa? Banannannnanaaananannaa…oops, just pooped a little. 😐

I hope I haven’t painted the picture that I am in need of a helmet and a harness. I just want to make it known that even though you may think that I am perfect, I am really less of a God, but still more of a man. now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. It’s not everyday you get to be the keynote speaker at Big Heads Anonymous.

Movies That Make You Shower

Have you ever seen a movie and felt so disturbed that you feel like brushing your teeth and taking a shower? God I have and for some strange reason, I love it. Almost to the point that if I don’t walk away with that dark, creepy feeling, I am somehow let down. I need help, I know. Here are a few of the movies that have stuck with me over the years and resulted in my carbon footprint being much larger thanks to the amount of lights left on over night. Now that it is almost October I feel a little less weird posting this.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

This is the king of all movies disturbing and macabre. I can never quite get through the whole dinner scene without taking a break and reminding myself that it’s just a movie. I guess the real reason this movie is so scary is the fact it is not supernatural at all. It is a realistic account of sick, cannibalistic killers that torment a poor girl to the point of making her completely insane. Another creepy factor is the fact a majority of the movie happens in the daytime and that plays on the mind. But the good thing about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is you can take away some good points to live by. Never pick up hitchhikers, never buy BBQ from a gas station, skip driving through central Texas and above all else, before you watch this movie be sure to have plenty of soap in the shower. You’ll need it.

Basket Case III

They sure don’t make movies like this anymore. I saw it when I was a young teen, flipping back and forth between this and the original HeadBanger’s Ball. The movie itself is very campy but the freaks and Grammy Ruth chilled me to the bone. Today’s feature flicks leave out the latex special effects and that is too bad. Kids of today might not get to experience a complete appetite killer like this B rated dump in a box which proves what I have been saying for years: we are raising little wussy kids. Here is the trailer and please, if you are eating something, you might want to put it down for a minute.


I bet you have seen this flick and you are asking, “why is this on the ‘need to take a shower’ list?”. Well, to be perfectly honest, I saw this when I was 8 and it was the frickin’ singing mushroom, man. And it was a good mushroom too! I can’t quite explain it but the fact there was singing fungus made me cringe. It’s funny what bugs a kid. I also hated Falcor the Luck Dragon’s back in The Never Ending Story. I thought it looked like white corn on the cob.

See? I was a weird kid.

The Stuff

Thanks to this cinematic gem I wasn’t able to eat yogurt, sour cream, mayonnaise, cream cheese, cottage cheese, vanilla pudding, marshmallow, the center of an Oreo, mozzarella, ricotta, or whipped butter. My kid cholesterol level was happy but it made dinner preparation for mom a little difficult. I never got over my mayo hate but luckily time heals all wounds and The Stuff faded from my mind over the years. I can once again scrape the white Oreo center with my front teeth.

The Gate

Oh The Gate! This was on HBO at least 30 times a day back in the mid eighties. I told myself not to watch it but every time, I found myself on the recliner with Cheese Puffs out of the can in hand, preparing to not sleep for a week. Its not that the movie is scary by any means, it just has a few gross parts and some disturbing claymation. And really, that’s all I need to feel grossed out. Especially when one of the characters turns into a demon and pusses out in a bathroom stall. There are no happy thoughts that can wipe that image away.


1986 was the year for bad, really bad, horror flicks. Thank God for 1986! This is one of the worst by far but as a kid, I was petrified of it. I want to thank my Uncle Nat for renting this when the VCR was very much like the Wii of today. Nat was probably about 20 at the time and he was kind enough to hang out with an 8 year old but clearly, he didn’t understand what would scar a kid for life. Even today he’ll call me on my birthday just to say, “happy birthday Billlllyyyyy”.  I’m surprised I don’t remember the farting zombies. You would think that would stand out. Perhaps that escaped my attention from hiding behind the couch.


Let me see, what can I say about this film? Nope, there are no words. There are only involuntary bodily functions that can sum up my feelings on this. Braindead covered all the bases of what would scare a kid and make them feel dirty for weeks on end. Babies in a blender to an old lady decomposing in her cream soup. Barf!!! The only thing I can do is show you this as an apology for the trailer.

There. Feel better? Good.

The Sentinel (1977)

Now this movie scared me so bad my feet went to sleep. That happens from time to time and it is a clear indication that the movie is really terrifying. If you haven’t seen this before and you like the horror genre, check it out. It will make you think twice about renting an apartment in the city. This video is pretty scary so proceed with caution. I give an A to whoever paired Bach with the scenes. Ultra creepy. I would give this an A plus but I just found out that the keyboard on my computer has two minuses and no pluses. What the fuck?

Don’t watch this at work!

I think this just knocked the moral compass of this blog down about a hundred steps but I want you to imagine this. Can you picture the puppeteers and the people doing the sex voices behind the scenes? Oh to be a fly on the wall at that studio!

Well, that is a wrap on the movies that make you want to decontaminate yourself. I know there are a thousand more but these are the ones that stuck out in my head. I hope you walked away with something but then again, it might be better if you didn’t. I’m going to post more of these type of blogs. That is what I started out doing and now that it is the spooky time of the year, why not?

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