Death Of A Snowman


 I think there is nothing sadder than a snowman in Georgia. Okay, there are things that are far sadder but really when it snows in Atlanta, people feel compelled to erect a homosapian in frozen precipitation as soon as possible. Even if it is full of dirt, pine needles and grass.

Yesterday I took a drive around the block and paid my respects to the final stage of life these snowmen where in since last Saturday’s snow storm. To be honest, I was surprised to see them last this long. I guess the thrill is gone for the kids who made them and you will see why. *warning* If you are sensitive to snow people you may not want to continue reading.

This guy doesn’t look too worse for ware but as you can see he is in a sea of brown Bermuda grass which is a certain sign this guy is circling the drain. I apologize for the blur but it was a drive by shot. I figure the poor bastard has another day and a half.

Oh God, what happened here? To the untrained eye it looks like someone dropped their scarf in a pile of snow but upon closer inspection we clearly see the guy is face-down and ass-up.  Maybe his base was to weak or maybe his will to live was too weak but what ever the reason, I think that scarf needs to go to the cleaners. Moving on….

Here we have a full torso snowman that is still recognizable. With one orange left in the eye socket and a carrot nose till in place it looks like he isn’t giving up the ghost without a fight.  But who is he fooling? Out of frame I saw two rabbits patiently waiting for his nose and if I know rabbits, their patience wains easy. This guy better give his soul to Jesus because his ass belongs to Roger.

Oh goodness. It looks as if this guy threw himself from a tree sometime in the night but if you look close you can make out bicycle tracks in the guts. I’m no detective but if I was, I would call it homicide. This guy didn’t have a chance. At least he escaped the inevitable unlike this poor family you are about to see. Weak stomachs may need to turn your head away from the keyboard.

ACK! I don’t even know what to say here! I have seen better cases of smallpox. It’s tough enough to see solo snowmen succumb to the drastic fluctuations the weather in Atlanta can have, but a whole family? I couldn’t stand to see the children suffer, so like any Christian I took nature into my own hands. I put the car in park, walked to the snow family in despair and put them out of misery with my bare hands and shoed feet. I apologize that God had brought them into this cruel world and soon they would be in peace. Yelling and striking with completely improvised karate moves there was nothing left but snow, pine needles and articles of clothing.

The children who brought this dying family into the world last Saturday could only stand and watch in horror. After I was finished I gathered the hats and scarves from the mound of dead snow people. My hands and feet still covered in snowy guts, I walked up to the kids and gave them back the clothing as something to remember them by. I said, “you are not God, but at least we can have satisfaction that they are free from their misery. They are free…..free.”

I returned to my car after I stomped off the remaining snow from my shoes. Even though there kid’s mother was screaming, “I’ve already called the police”, I know in my stomach what had to be done. As I drove away I stopped next to the kids, still holding the hats and scarves, still mouths agape and teary eyed. I said, “I hope you kids know that playing God comes with great responsibility.  Never forget that.”

7 thoughts on “Death Of A Snowman

  1. We never got it down this way, the snow that is. It was predicted, so of course all stores were void of bread and milk…crazy….

    Remind me where in GA you are again…I’m in the Columbus area, and you’re obviously up ‘north’…

  2. Um….uh…I’m speechless. Do you go around smashing people’s pumpkins after Halloween, too? I’ve always been tempted to do that, with every splat sending up my evil laugh towards the moon: “Mwa-ah-ah-ah-ah!”

Speak to me, Egor.

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