Triscuit

There few things more disconcerting than eating your favorite snack and about 3/4’s of the way though figure out that something has been snacking with you. That happened to be my realization last night while I was elbow deep in a box of Triscuits. It’s no secret that my vice in life is reduced fat Triscuits much to the dismay of anyone watching TV with me or sharing an office. It’s not as harmful as smoking and not as fattening as beer but I have accidentally inhaled a shredded wheat fiber which caused me to choke while driving. From then on I only eat Triscuits from the safety of my armchair.

Back to my point. So I was mouing down the crackers when I found this!

It is a cracker with a perfect bite in it. Not what you want to find after consuming about 30 of them. So I sat there staring at the Triscuit, expressionless. Many things ran through my head as I held the cracker to the light. Then I placed it on the table and dumped out the remaining, scavenging for a clue to what could have possibly taken this bite and praying that a mouse didn’t fall on the table as well. After a minute or two I came up with these possibilities.

Not cool, man! I would die if I was sharing a snack with a mouse. But then I asked myself why would a mouse jump into a box of Triscuits and only take one bite of a cracker? I don’t think they stop at one. I certainly can not. Regardless, I doubt a mouse was the culprit because they generally chew their own doors open. Don’t they?

A confused termite, perhaps? I have seen a few termites around the area and wouldn’t you know it? These assholes bite and fly! I am more scarred of a termite than a bee. At least bees pollen-ate and make honey. Termites eat your home and then have the audacity to try and eat you. I am drifting again…back to the point. I am leaning against a termite. Even though Triscuits are as close to wood as a snack can get, it’s freezing outside and I just don’t believe one survived only to take up residence in my box of crackers.

Maybe a very young Seth Green. You’ll have to watch this clip from Tales From the Dark Side to see why that popped in my head. Seth turned out to be a normal looking guy but back in the day I remember him having one mega tooth. He could definitely open a few cans of Juicy Juice concentrate, I tell you. If it wasn’t for that whole time/space theory he may be a suspect into the matching one-tooth bite from my Triscuit. (it’s a good thing I am not a detective by trade)

So, I was left with only one possibility. I crossed my arms, leaned back in the chair and sighed. Why didn’t I think of this before? Looking at the pile of Triscuits I became aware that the culprit had been there the entire time, just staring at me from the kitchen window. They didn’t eat Triscuits, they just liked to mess with me and it worked. I think I may leave the sprinkler on over night. Then we will see who is laughing.

Stupid Gnomes.

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