Some Things I Just Won’t Do: Part 1

I consider myself to be a pretty liberal kind of guy. I will try anything once as long as I am 60% sure I will not die and 100% sure it will not hurt others. This summer my buddy and I are planning a trip to run with the bulls in Spain so really there isn’t much I won’t do. I’ve even eaten sushi in Augusta, Georgia for crying out loud! But like anything else there are exceptions and there are some things in life I will never do. Here’s my list.

Hang out at a nursing home. I think my folks can rest assured that their elderly years will be safe from being tucked away in an old person home. Nothing gives me the willies ore than the sounds of dementia and smell of pee. My grandfather spent his last year in an elderly home because my grandmother could not give him the intensive care he needed and every trip there gave me resolve to do well enough in life so my parents would not suffer the same fate. We have to do better for our aging population. I’ll never go back to one of those again and it starts by taking care of my own family.

Lead The National Anthem. I love this country and I love our anthem but I will be the first to admit I don’t know all the words on command. I think it would be less patriotic to have a catastrophic meltdown at Turner Field rather than politely say “fuck that, man!” when asked to sing it. Just listen to this dude!

Go on Jeopardy. Do you really want to advertise to the world in 30 minutes that you are retarded? I don’t. I think Alex Tribeck would probably say something like this: “For the first time in Jeopardy history we have someone on contestant row that actually owes the show money. Bill from Atlanta….will that be cash or check?”

Sing or Dance at a half time show. No fucking way! I know this kind of ties in withe the National Anthem but it I felt that this deserved it’s own line. Can you imagine being force to sing and dance with a group of “touched” kids at an German soccer game? I have and even had a nightmare about it. Pay attention to the kid in the white shirt. He’s gots the moves, mang!

Window Washing. I don’t know why but for some strange reason I can look down from heights but I get total vertigo when I look up. I remember working in an office building that was 25 stories and when I was going in I noticed hanging ropes dangling next to the entrance. I followed the ropes with my eyes all the way to see two guys suspended over 300 feet and before I knew it I feel on my butt. How embarrassing! One lady screamed, ” I think he’s seizing!” Nope, just a tool, ma’am. Just a tool.

There are a few more but I will have to think of them. These are just the ones that are on my all time “no way” list. No amount of money can buy your dignity and no amount of booze will make you forget so I am a true believer that every person should have their limitations. Stay tuned for part duex! Is that how you spell that?

Oh yeah, what are yours?

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