Almost 30

Here I am, at the twilight of my 20’s. Within a few months I will be thirty and I am not taking this as well as I predicted at 25. I guess there is a realization that no longer will it be acceptable to drink 10 beers, stand on my bar stool yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” I can no longer show up at the office and have my Cheap Trick t-shirt show through my white Brooks Bro. shirt. And soon I will need to break the habit of getting up early, making the hung over stroll to the bathroom and getting into the shower only to find out I still have my socks on. Hrm… but who am I kidding? I will probably be doing all of these things well past retirement. There are, however, a lot of tell tale signs that I am getting older which I can not help. Let me count the ways…

Drinking tea doesn’t define one as “older”. My English chum in grade school drank tea while I downed Kool-Aid after countless hours building Lego towns. That is why I never associated tea with age or being refine. Now that I am older I have to have a cup before I retire for the night. It’s more of a sleep aid and something to sip while catching the end of a hockey game but one thing is for sure, I need it.

A month ago I was visiting my Dad and I noticed he only had Earl Grey which has a considerable amount of caffeine in it. Knowing that there is a good chance of tossing and turning later that night I decided to go to the store and get my tea with the sleepy bear on it. Before I left I yelled upstairs to my father, “Dad, I’m going to make a tea run, you want anything?”

“Tea-run?” When did beer-run turn into tea-run?

As I was driving to the store I really began to ponder at what time in my life did tea replace beer? I shrugged it off but that was the beginning of me becoming acutely aware to the fact that I am or have grown up. I bought the tea, bananas, 1/2 a gallon of milk, sour apple Bubble Yum and the DVD, Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke for $5.99. Take that maturity.

I really spend less and less time in front of the boob-tube but in comparison with normal people it is still a considerable amount of time. I can’t help the fact that I like TV because really, I was raised on it. The shows, however, have changed and now I find myself flipping through the channels with extreme prejudice because the last thing I want to have happen to me in my own house is feel bad, become ignorant and have sexual innuendo and political crap forced down my throat. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Here is a list of some of the changes in TV watching I have made for no other reason than the fact I am getting older.

  • Family Guy- I don’t know if it is me or that the writers are really reaching for material lately but I can barely last fifteen minutes into an episode without changing the channel. I guess it is because of the condescending tone of the program. It’s very partisan and they hide behind the cleverness of random flashes that rip on obscure 80’s sitcoms and pop culture. So all in all, the show has about 10 minutes worth of material and if you are don’t vote democrat than you are an idiot. Got it. Now I’m bored.
  • South Park- Loved it in 1997 and love it now. This show gets better every time I see it and you know why? Because no one is safe. They attack everyone and the episode that used anthropomorphic hilarity on Oprah’s vagina literally made me hug the TV. I bet she never imagined that her vagina to be in a parity of Al Pacino’s , Dog Day Afternoon. It’s a smart program and for that and that alone, I appreciate it.
  • MTV- I blame 9/11 on MTV because even I hate America after watching just a little bit of that crap. And that is coming from a guy who recites the Pledge Of Allegiance every time he brushes his teeth.
  • Little People Big World- Love the show, love the people and little people who play soccer is still funny. But I don’t feel bad for laughing because that show makes me appreciate all people no matter what because I think diversity is grand. I wish I had a little person as a friend.
  • The news- I watch Fox in the morning, CNN Headline on XM on the way to work and come home and watch PBS McNeil Lehrer News Hour at night. Why? Because I am old enough not to trust anything the media says and I need to take the average of three sources. Fox for the right, CNN for the left and PBS for the way the world outside the US sees it.
  • Golf- Holy shit I am getting older. I like to watch golf on TV and this is strange because I hate to play it. I think it is because of the last two times I was out with my Dad we had some complications. The first one was when my Mom became angry that someone the group behind us accidentally hit into us. I must say that his drive cleared 300+ yards and was pretty amazing so i didn’t think much of it. Mom, on the other hand, walked up to his ball and made an equally incredible hit right back at him. This breach in golf etiquette led to a quick gallop off the course and into the car. The second one I’ll save for another blog. It will have me, Dad, a fat guy in boxers, dented french doors, a nine iron and cops. All leading up to me swearing off golf forever.

That was really off topic and a little bit of a tangent. Sorry about that.

I pick fat free or reduces fat over anything regular at the grocery store. I don’t know when I started doing this but if it says it’s lower in cholesterol I will probably pick it over something that says “yummy” or “taste-plosion”. Am i concerned over my weight or blood pressure? Not really but I think we all have this built in health alarm that kicks in when our metabolism slows. Much like how babies instinctively know not to breath underwater, guys at 29 know that Cheetoes are acceptable only when baked. And also we stop wiping the cheese powder on the non exposed side of the couch.

Many of my friends have kids going to school now and that freaks me out. I can handle my buddies getting married, buying a house and even having a baby. However, the thought of my drinking buddies helping their offspring with homework while the biggest concern in my day is whether I want to have take out or just grab a salad and beer at Wild Wings freaks me out. Why it freaks me out is because I am a little jealous. But first thing is first and I should start with a dog. If i don’t over feed him and the neighborhood dogs don’t pick on him then I’ll move on to a kid.

Well, I need to get ready for another business trip. This has been a pretty lame post so I apologize. I will go to 30 with dignity but for now I am go to enjoy my twenties the best way I know how. Beer, boobs and blogs.

13 thoughts on “Almost 30

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  1. heyman, great entry.
    This post hit home in so many ways.

    The Kid part is the biggest one for me.
    I have Cash, who’s a great dog. But he’s easy.
    My Brother-in-law asked me if we could watch his 3 kids for the weekend in 2 weeks and I actually turned to Rudy and said-
    “Dude… can we DO that?”
    Like… am I even qualified? Just becuase I’m old enough to know when to stop drinking so I can drive home sober, that doesn’t mean I am capable of watching children for more than a few hours!
    I mean- they have a 6-MONTH-OLD!
    I can barely control MY childlike urges to break glass and run recklessly in the streets- how can I take care of a 7 year old, a 5 year old and a 6 month old baby!?

    I think we said yes.
    This will be interesting.

  2. Good post, Billy,. Age is relative. And that would be exactly what you;d tell me if I admitted I was having issues with being 48…I mean 36.

    I realized that age was becoming the nebulus reality that it was when I turned 28. Overnight, it seemed, my hangovers were becoming increasingly more painful. I stopped bouncing back as quickly as I had years before.

    It’s strange William. I was talking to one of my oldest friends just this afternoon. She’s a grandmother. I never spat out any kids. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. I too had a thing for wire hangers. That;s a coat hanger as in the fabled Joan Crawford line…NOT a euphemism for abortion!!!

    You’ll be fine. You’re smart and funny and an acerbic writer, With age comes a very defined 20/20 wisdom.

    Revel in the gray pube when you find it, Billy and trust me, you will. You’ve earned it!!


  3. Tee hee! I’m 28 and I’m starting to know what you’re going through. I really felt “my age” when I recently visited my old college campus. Since when did college kids look like high-schoolers, and high-schoolers look like infants? And since when do they get to call me “Ma’am”? My roomate definately knows how you feel too…she was carded in a bar the other night, and after the waiter looked at her ID he exclaimed, “Damn! You’re old!” If looks could kill…..

  4. even I hate America after watching just a little bit of that crap. —HA!

    For whatever reason there are odd little things I do that you do and vice versa. Another of those things is the sleepy time tea…might I bond with your aging-ness and suggest the sleepytime extra with Valerian root.

  5. The main thing that I worry about when I get older is if I’m going to be 50 for example and be in the same position and not have any progress in my life. I think about that around my birthday and I feel so much older then a 18 year old for example and I feel like I am about the same as far as progress. Sorry if that’s depressing 😦

  6. I feel the same way about turning 30. I’m pushing 29 over here so have an extra year to think about it. I know what you mean about looking ahead at 25 and wondering what everyone fussed about. Now that it looms ever closer, I’m beginning to understand.

    I wonder when I stopped buying Cosmopolitan and started buying House and Home magazine. I wonder when cooking a nice meal and a glass of wine started exciting me as much as going out for a dozen beers?

    I love that video of the little boys dancing.

  7. I guess I’m lucky I have two years left in my 20’s. The hangovers hurt a little more and last a little longer. But I still feel like i’m in my early twenties outside of that. I still get carded for pretty much everything and I don’t complain. I have an almost three year old son and a 22yr. old soon to be ex-wife. I’m utterly terrified of the idea of having to date again. Not so much from the love aspect, I just don’t know what to say anymore. The filter between my brain and my mouth has eroded almost completely so I see a lot of hand to face action in my future. That’s going to be fun to write about. Back to you, Billy, I eat healthy as often as possible. My metabolism hasn’t slowed, but I’m priming myself for the inevitable. I don’t know about the tea business. I take three aziprams (bp meds) and a few light beers before I go to bed and that seems to work great. I avoid white, creamy sauces and condiments. I tend to avoid fried foods when I can, I like fresh produce. Salad, I’ll see you every now and then, but for the most part, I eat any animal that gets within a three foot radius. Ask my son, he misses our last chihuahua. As far as parenting goes, it can be a bitch. But no one really knows what they’re doing to begin with, so I am sure you will do well when you make that jump. Start with a plant, then an animal. Like a gold fish. Work your way up. And try not to eat the fish without deboning it first. Remember, everything works its way out your end.

  8. I am sharing your shoes, I will be thirty in two months and I know that I am getting old because I feel sorry for and downright pity the kids today. They missed the greatest time to grow up. They might have the new millennium equivalent but you tell me if the kids today have anything that can compare to…

    GI Joe/ Transformer Saturday Mornings
    Being able to run around your neighborhood until dark playing with neighborhood kids
    Playing Galaga at the arcade when it still only cost 25cents
    Being able to be hyper without getting pumped full of drugs by doctors
    The day you got a Nintendo and Super Mario Brothers
    For the television afficionado there was A-Team, MacGyver, Cheers, Star Trek
    And what about your first CD player

    Some things I don’t think my kids will ever appreciate the way we did when we were kids.

Speak to me, Egor.

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