It’s German For Noisy Ghost

 I watched this again while digging through old VHS tapes. Every time it comes on TV I can’t help but watch it. So, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, here you go. I don’t do it justice but I still feel like writing a quick little overview. You are welcome. That’s when you come in with the thank you, by the way. I kid.

Today’s pick is a movie that made me fear spoons, closets, clowns, trees and empty swimmming pools.  This movie is responsible for a hike in the electric bill from leaving the hall light on and sleepless nights counting the seconds between the lightning and thunder. By now most can guess what movie I am talking about but if not, I believe it is one of the best  classics Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper could have accomplished. It’s Poltergeist.

Yep, this movie really didn’t convince people they were possessed or caused miscarriages like The Exorcist did but damn did it pop in the head around 10:00 at night.  Set in the early eighties in a perfect suburban neighborhood, (just like the one in E.T) the Freelings were the envy of any family striving for the American dream;  three kids, hot wife, huge house and a wood-panel station wagon.  The only strange thing is their three year old daughter talks to the TV when it is tuned to UPN. Oh yeah, and the dog barks at the wall, the silverware bends, glasses break, funiture stacks by itself on the kitchen table and there is a 6.5 rickter scale earthquake that only effects their bedroom. Besides that everything is ship-shape. All I have to say is if I saw bent forks and spoons and my child was playing 20 questions with TV static I would move. No shit. I would move. Well they didn’t and of course things went from whimsical to pure evil.

That’s right! While Diane and Steven Freeling were smoking pot and practicing the three meter board jumps from the bed, Robby is eaten by a tree, Carolann is eaten by the closet and the oldest, Kristiane is eating…..and screaming. Actually she eats and screams through out the whole movie. When Steven and Diane’s mellows were harshed they sprung into action to wrestle Robby from the mouth of the evil tree and tornado. I know…tornado.
Can you imagine reading this screen play? Earthquake in the bedroom, tornado in the backyard, trees swallowing kids! I think if this movie was in production today it would be doomed to be a TNT original. But thanks to Speilbergs touch and Tobe Hooper’s macabre twist it’s a winner.
Were was I? Oh yeah, so they are coming to grips that they have a paranormal something or other happening in their house and they need to get help because their youngest daughter, Carolann has been sucked into the closet and is now only audible on TV.  Try explaining that to Bill O’Rielly. So Steven goes to the local University, looking pretty rough, and invites paranormal investigators to help out. I enjoyed this part the best. Their professional demeanor was so cocky until they saw the kid’s bedroom. I would imagine most egos of that profession would deflate when you see he-man riding a horse, the bed flipping and a flying record being played by a compass. Or was that a protractor? Anyway… You can almost hear the old lady shit herself. Great scene.
With out telling the whole movie word for word, the situation proves to be too much for this team to handle after the the nerdy white guy, Marty gets bit by something after the dumbass trys to go into the the kids room, they find out there is a port hole to the next demention, 10,000 ghosts walk downstairs and through the den and poor Marty gets fucked with again after a great Chee-tos advertismentand, halucinates eating maggots and tearing his face off. Long sentence. By the way…..why would you tear your own face off?

So in final desperation they bring out the big guns and hire a medium-pshycic-cleanser-dwarf to bring Carolann back from the clutches of dead people and clean the house. I must say that whoever cast this lady did a bang up job. Steven Freeling is sceptical of her abilities but she soon proves her talent by putting him in his place. I wonder if she is someone’s grandmother? That would fuck you up. “All children…come in for supper…alllll are welcome.” sheesh…
So now it is time for battle and armed with tennis balls, rope and a bath tub full of water they go to the closet of “by location” to grab Carol Anne from the clutches of the pissed off dead. With coaching from the midget/cleanser, Dianne and Steven “rock, paper scissors” to see who would eneter the closet and Stevens rock smashes Diane’s scissors, so in she goes. While supported by rope held by her husband the midget pulls a 180 and starts to chant for all to enter the light. Without suprise, Steve-o flips out thinking the phycic is fucking up and starts to pull too early. And he reeled in a paper-matche head. I guess it was a skullish demon, but to me it was art class circa 1987. It was ok because Diane made a winning grab and with Carol Ann in arms, fell out of the portal covred in pink after-birth. For a moment there is tention because because the two were unresponsive and worst yet not breathing. So into the tub and wouldn’t you know it? That was the trick! With a gasp of air the family was reunited and the midget cleanser had to declare, “this house is clean.”

You remember when President Bush declared victory in Iraq a few years ago? Yeah, same thing here. The house was far from clean. Like all great horror movies, the Freelings seem to be back to normal. No need for intense psycho therapy. In fact they deside to spend one more night in the house that less then a few days ago tried to kill them.  It seems like the normal thing to do but E.Buz the dog knew, don’t take a bath or sleep without the closet light on in a house that has a history of haunting.  And for God sake, don’t have a freaking clown doll that everyone knows will come to life.  Well, the shit hit the fan and the ghosts really gave it their all. Diane was strapped to the cieling, the closet became a suck hole again, the toy clown tried to eat Robby, caskets jumped from the ground and Steven is at the bar telling his “no shit, there i was” stories while the bar tender cut him off. Steve comes home to shit twice and scream while kicking his boss repetedly in the balls yelling, “you moved the head stones but you didn’t move the bodies!”
Well, they escape. Sorry to ruin the movie but they drive away just as the house crumbles into an erie sustained light while all the gossiping neighbors come out to watch. The Freelings find shelter at the local Holiday Inn. Without possessions they retire to the room only to end the last scene with Steve pushing out the TV and shutting the door.  Que the credits.

I’m not saying that this is the best movie in the world but when I first saw it I was seven and it stuck with me since. Actually I saw it during a church retreat. Only the Catholics can host a weekend full of churchy stuff then flush it all away on “scary movie night.” It was this or Gondi. I got more out of “Poltergeist.”
I’m tired. That’s all I have to say about this. I think i am going to jabber about Chevy Chase’s “Vacation” but for tonight I am done. I will leave you with me drinking tea.

6 thoughts on “It’s German For Noisy Ghost

Add yours

  1. You look like a little kid with your cup O’ Tea 🙂 If only it was one of those sippy cups with the two handles. That would of been ador-freakin-able.

    Why did you want me to read this? Not to be rude, but you did insist. One of my sisters videotaped off of network tv (local fox affiliate I believe) one of the Poltergeist movies. I don’t remember which one you probably will know which one when i tell you. The little old lady with the creepy voice was in this one with an indian and they were calling the spirits with a campfire that turned blue (I thought that was cool at the time) and there was one part the dad was drinking tequila straight out of the bottle and ate the worm and it festered into a creature in his stomach and then shot out of it. Bizzare shit. And I wonder why now I am so screwed up I watched that before i was 10 years old! Probably still have that tape someplace i would love to get my hands on it. We watched that and other things that were recorded over and over again.

    I appreciate the effort though Bill nice article 🙂

  2. I was looking through the article and the pictures again real quick again and I just was reminded of something I thought you would think would be hilarious so I am double posting.

    The bent spoon picture reminds me of when my cousins and I would use a normal spoon instead of an ice cream scoop to scoop frozen solid ice cream and it would bent the spoon. We would push it on the table to bend it back but it pissed off my Grandparents so much because they were always at least a little bent. They always told us to use the ice cream scoop! We had one of those solid metal ones that you squeezed the parts together and it would be like two windshield wipers and push it out in a way. (I think I just figured out why you want to push me on my own blog LOL) Well the ice cream scoop broke so we didn’t have the fancy feature of it and it kinda made it less than. We finally got two others that my Grandparents still have and the favorite one is the thick white plastic handled one with a green knob on the end. It just does the job well. Ice cream is serious business isn’t it Bill? It surely is.

  3. I installed and set up an AIM account like you at gunpoint forced me to 🙂

    my login name is (drum roll please) Goobian

    I don’t care who knows, that is why I put it here, come on Bill let’s party you know you want to. I have the perfect punch bowl to put the car keys into 🙂

  4. You know, I thought it was German. You learn something new every day. That movie gave me the creeps. I was intensely afraid of tv static afterwards. Then more recently they came out with that White Noise movie. OMG. I had to throw out my baby monitors. I started hearing all sorts of crazy shit in them!

Speak to me, Egor.

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