Month: August 2007

Traitor Pants

Today’s brought to you by the letters S,H,I and T and the number 4. It’s not that it is a bad day but it reinforces the fact that if there is a possibility of shit happening, it will most likely happen to me. I was in Kinkos today running off training manuals because that is what I do for fun when the unthinkable happened. Let me paint you a picture. I have a pair of pants that are my favorite pair in the whole world and if they are ever lost I may swear off articles of clothing from my lower extremedy all together. The only problem with them is that the fly is made of Velcro and after 7 years of ware, let’s just say I am aware of it’s position at all times. But today they betrayed me. I was in a rush to get these training manuals copied and threw on these pants after a shower. (I was commando, so what?) Well, let this be a lesson to all those who disregard the common law that boxers should always be worn under old velcroed pants. I managed to let my guard down and accidentally exposed myself to the staff of Kinkos. I don’t know if I feel embarrassed yet. It will take some time to let the full scope of my ordeal. I will say that I will never forget the large woman saying, “I think someone is trying to say hello.” I want to die.

Traitor!

16

A Tribute To Stephen Gammell

Sure there is a lot of attention to the author of the Scary Stories books, Alvin Schwartz, but I think the illustrator Stephen Gammell deserves his time in the light too. I have spent countless hours staring at his visions of the macabre. I mean they are really disturbing when you look at the way they are drawn!

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There have been countless hours spent just staring at the bizarre world Steve Gammell has created for Schwartz. His expressive and haunting strokes give me the creeps, even 17 years later. I have tried many times to pass these books off for book reporting material but to no avail. It doesn’t matter because I am sure the report would just be filled with pointless statements like “This dead chick looks scary on page 57.”

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Jesus! See what I mean? How scary looking is that? It’s for kids too! I don’t know what goes on in Gammell’s head but he needs to hang out with Rob Zombie. Can you imagine having a beer with this dude? I can. I would ask him what is his motivation for drawing such macabre images. I think Gammell should also work in a tattoo parlor. I’d get another if he designed it.

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What do you think….head in a jar? That is what I think. There is one thing for sure. Gammell’s art really put a dent in my reading level because I have no idea what the stories are about. I do know that my imagination stirs after spending an hour staring at these pictures. I begin to think of them later on at night. I wonder if I have the gift to draw nightmares?

Nope! That’s my head in a jar and the only thing that is confirms is that I suck. I doubt Alvin Schwartz will be calling me for an artistic touch to his scary tales. Oh well.

Oh my God! What the hell is that? I can guarantee you that The Ring was less scary to me because freaky chicks have been burned in my brain since the day I saw this. Thanks Stephen. Taken off guard while flipping pages, this made me choke on forbidden candy during mandatory reading time in homeroom many years ago. I didn’t die but I received a demerit for eating candy in class. Insult to injury.

I don’t mean to “paint the picture” that all Stephen Gammell’s art work is dead chicks and clowns. He illustrates other books like the poem book, The Burger and the Hot Dog. I love this book. I know, I’m 29 and a 29 year old dude shouldn’t like such things but here is a line and you’ll see what I am talking about.

A burger and a hot dog
One day had a nasty spat.
The burger got insulted
‘Cause the hot dog called him flat…

Priceless.

Well, thank you Mr. Gammell. Thanks for sharing your talent and for giving me the creeps, even at school. I can’t believe it has been almost 20 years and believe it or not, I don’t think I have even read a single story from Scary Stories 1, 2, or 35. Sorry Alvin. But mission accomplished Stephen! I will leave you all with this. Good night. Try not to read these in the dark.

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Second Verse….

To all my Villanova MBA pals, I have finished my Six Sigma term paper and it only took the better part of 2 months to do it. I know that is far less than others and for that, I am sorry. But, I am going to crack open a beer and think of you who are not finished.

I’m back on flight status this coming Thursday so if anyone needs some help with Six Sigma email me at wewjr@aol.com. Thanks for reading my nonsense!

4

Commercials That Make You Open A Savings Account

It is truly amazing what people buy. I will admit that I have blown my money on utter shit before but spending last evening watching TV with a particular attention to advertisements it is clear that there is a market for idiots. I must have stayed up until 3 am just listening to an elderly lady make small talk about a poodle cookie jar. I believe someone called in to buy it just to shut the old lady up and move on to the next dump in a jar. Somewhere in the United States there is a poodle cookie jar being bubble wrapped and shipped to some poor soul’s door mat.


Before I rail on internet dating I would like to make it clear that I don’t look down on it. I know it must be hard to be a professional and have the time to meet people of the opposite sex but the commercial for eHarmony really creeps me out. That old guy just looks like he is secretly getting off on people’s profiles. I actually heard that people have been rejected from this service too! How’s that possible? There is a 29 point compatibility questionnaire sheet! Watch the commercial to see. They have this guy LJ, who you might remember on the commercial say, “I don’t have to put on a false front.” Remember him? He sounds like an absolute moron. He must have put all C’s for his 29 point compatibility because somehow, someway, he found a normal looking chick. At least she looks normal. LJ may wake up to find his man hood cut off and made into a door-stop. I hope not LJ.

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This commercial cracks me up. It is an ad for, what I believe it is, the birth control Yasmine. I can’t believe I am blogging about birth control but this commercial was to painful to ignore. It is set at a hip, outdoor club with three late 20’s girls talking about their birth control methods. The snotty brunette takes center stage and give a 7 paragraph rant with arrows, x’s and o’s all about how wonderful Yasmine is. To top it off she boasts, “I didn’t go to medical school for nothing.” Lady, you went to medical school after you flunked acting school. Don’t say it was for nothing. Every time this commercial comes on I have to buy a new remote because I break the old one over my head in disgust.

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Billy Mays, the man without an indoor voice! I watch his infomercials and all I can think of is how this guy must be at dinner in a fine restaurant. It must go some like this:

Waiter: What will you have, sir?

Billy: KA BOOM! I’LL HAVE THE FLANK THTEAK for $19.95.

Waiter: Very good sir, please keep your voice down.

Billy: IF I ORDER NOW CAN YOU THROW IN A BAKE POTATO FOR NO CHARGE?

Waiter: Sir, could you please lower your voice. We have other patrons.

Billy: DID YOU KNOW BEETHS AND DOGS CAN THMELL FEAR?

Waiter: Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Billy: BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

His poor wife must have a hearing complex. But they must have one hell of a clean bathroom!

I am absolutely positive that the only parents who buy their kids video games from from TV infomercials are the same ones who home school their kids. This proves my point further that even if they try and socialize their kids they can’t because anyone who comes over to play will be forced to play Math Frogger, Spelling Donkey Kong or wost yet, Bible Knock Out. I would like to believe this is a form of child abuse.

On topic of bad toys that people add to their credit card bills because of momentary stupidity while innocently watching TV, Blow Pens take art to a new level of wrong. Don’t add oral fixations to a creative output.

18

Halloween……really?

Don’t get me wrong, I like Rob Zombie. I liked him in White Zombie back in the nineties and as a painter when he redecorated the Headbangers Ball’s studio with B horror art. But now he has the artistic license and money to take on films as a visionary director. I saw House of 1000 Corpses and believe it or not I really liked it for what it was. He has a knack for reviving the old drive-in horror for it’s intended purpose. Now, however, he has taken the project of remaking the classic, Halloween. Please don’t put a bad name on this great movie. They shot the original in 21 days with a budget even I could afford and made an immortal mark on US cinema. Good luck Rob!

I hope the new Halloween starts out like this. I doubt it will but there is always hope. I remember when I saw this movie and much like Jaws, the beginning musical score really set the tone. When ever I hear it I actually smell pumpkin innards. It will be hard to follow what Clive Barker wrote by just messing around on his piano. Rob might be tempted to go quite a bit further.

What a classic introduction to a sequel! With the creepy “Mr. Sandman” song everyone is quickly brought up to speed on how Haddonfield, Illinois is still not done with their Halloween night. I saw Halloween II before the original so I was one of the many who appreciated it. Believe it or not, this was my first horror movie. When I saw that chick boiled in a rehab bath I knew my relationship with Micheal Myers would be special. He’s my pal.

Even the young Myers is a drastic change. One looks pretty scary and the other one looks like the drummer from Hanson. I truly got the creeps from the first Mike. His blank stares give an open ended question to how a little kid could be so sadistic. The surfer to the right is just trying too hard. Now that I think of it, I am pretty sure this kid flicked me off while I was in Star-buck’s. Fuck you little Hanson.

That’s why I am worried that Rob Zombie will put too much of a character behind the mask. The whole reason that Mike Myers was scary to begin with was that there was no reason. I heard that the new movie will delve deep into Micheal Myers psyche and give reason for his psycho behavior. I just want to leave it that he was that Boogieman. For once there has to be a bad guy that is just evil for no reason! Don’t let me identify with the killer! That’s not scary!

Well, good luck in remaking this timeless classic, Rob. Don’t fuck it up. Samhain is watching.

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