Eating Sounds

  I don’t know if I am being overly prickish about this but there is one thing that turns my blood cold and that is the sounds people make when eating certain foods. I probably do the same but I am usually preoccupied with not choking or dropping food from mouth to shirt. Either way, like an asshole, I am only annoyed when other people do this. Please don’t judge me for being this way because deep down, I know you feel the same too.

  Apples. I personally believe God made the apple the forbidden fruit bacause he could not stand to hear the crunching and sucking sound Adam and Eve would surely make. Satan on the other hand loves that sound because in Hell, apple eating sounds would be blasted from loud speakers 24/7.  You can’t find this in the New Testament but the Billy New New Testament, it is there in bold print.

 I recently spent a weekend with my Dad and he loves apples. After dinner I watched him eat an apple with such intensity, it was remenisant of Day of the Dead. With every bite I felt the need to shout, “Watch your fingers!” I had to remove myself from the situation and take a walk in the rain.

  Cereal Milk. I can’t really explain why this grosses me out but it does. A few years ago I was over at a friend’s house and their kids where at the kitchen table eating cereal. Now I love kids and it takes a lot for me to be cross with them. They could shit in the ball pool at Chuck E. Cheese and I would think it is cute. But watching these kids blow bubbles in their old cereal milk with straws and slurp it up made me vurp. I prayed that these kids could just finish before I slam my face into the macaronni art covered fridge.

 Movie Popcorn. I rarely go to the movies but a year ago I had the pleasure of sitting in front of a dude that ate popcorn like a dog eats a 15 piece whad of gum. I swear that every other minute I checking the back of my head for A.B.C. popcorn. I know I could have moved but I also hate making people feel bad because it would have been obvious that I was annoyed. So I sat there, catching half of Flags Of Our Fathers, and I think I took my aggression out on Clint Eastwood because I walked away thinking that the film was average at best.

  Commercials. This goes out to advertisement execs. If you really want me to change the channel, air a commercial with people eating loudly. There is a advertisement that gives a first person view of a chick siting in a lake gnawing  on a granola bar. Why do we have to suffer through that? There are two things certain about granola bars; they will keep you from shitting for a month and they are hard as plywood. Do they need to drive that point home with inside the skull crunching?

 How many licks does it take to get to the inside of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? “That’s not a lick you dick-hole owl!” That’s what I would say if I was that kid.

 I know I have been crabby about this subject but I am about to tackle six straight hours on MBA online work and it’s my way of venting before I have to do this. Thanks for hearing me out. I am really not this big of a dick. Unless you chew your ice. Then I may kill you.

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