Category: work

I Wish…

  • That Monday night’s NBC line up was still Alf at 8:00 followed by Amazing Stories.
  • That I could still pick prizes out of the treasure chest in the dentist’s office.
  • My Honda wasn’t referred to as a mini van last week. It’s an Element fuck-o.
  • I could stop dropping my phone. It only has a few drops left in it.
  • I could run like I did when I was 7 rather than this frothing, gasping run I do now.
  • They would have changed the name asthma to something without the word “ass” in it. I had it when I was a kid and always felt a little embarrassed by that.
  • That there was something other than golf we could do for meetings. I am all about bumped boats or flip cup.
  • They would make a Jaws 5. One that makes up for 3 and 4.
  • I was in a huge field with one of these.
  • imagesThat I lived in a state that had people who could spell salad correctly.
  • IMG_0678I could eat my weight in Thai food and be better for it. And smarter.
  • I was spending Father’s Day with my Dad.
  • I had more time to read books.
  • I didn’t tear up during the movie, UP. There is no way that a 31 year old male can live that down. My “allergy” didn’t fool anyone.
  • Beer gave me the super power of flight.

That’s all.

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Cleaning Out The Cellphone Camera

I guess it is that time again. Time to clean out the pictures from the ol’ iPhone and share a little bit of those “no shit, there I was” stories with you. This is always good for a stretch when I am in a material slump.

This past Christmas I was flying to New York for a little vacation and very relieved to be leaving 7 feet of snow. Really, there was 7 feet.  Anyway, during a layover in Minneapolis I was witness to a random caroler attack. It was a little awkward to stand there while everyone in the terminal ignored their performance. It went like this…

IMG_0417“Tis the season to be jolly…”

IMG_0418 *cough cough*

IMG_0417“Falla la la la la la la laaa”

IMG_0419“Last boarding call for Delta flight 663…”

All of my Friends know that when it comes to moving, I am the one who will always lend a hand. The only thing I ask for is beer and Led Zeppelin 3 on the stereo. But I will admit, sometimes the beer can complicate things.

IMG_0578“This couch will totally fit down these stairs. Just let me finish this last sip of wonderful PBR.”

IMG_0576“You’re good, you’re good, you’re good…”

IMG_0577“Oh dude, I am so, so sorry. Let’s have another beer and drag the fridge down here.”

IMG_0664Well, they almost got me back for that little accident by packing all the knives in a box. Almost got me.

IMG_0623Cracker please!

Image023This is actually from my work phone. Didn’t notice it had a flash until I was trying to learn the features.

You know you are in a cool bar when it is decorated with old Hasbro Star Wars’ toys. I still want an AT-AT.

Image110IMG_0663

This proves that I am still rocking the Wolf shirt. Actually, I don’t even notice it as a satirical jest towards the Idahoians. Maybe I am one now. uhhhhh….

So that was a pretty pathetic post but I am at work so it’s the best I can do. I will be reading you blogs today so sweep the floors, put stuff under the bed and fire up the tea kettle. You’re having company.

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Oh Wow

The is something to be said for being stupid. I think in Northern Idaho/Eastern Washington it runs rampant. Everywhere I turn I see or hear something that hurts my ass. My ass hurts! Living most of my life in the southeast I have had my fair share of crazy rebel rhetoric and it wasn’t until I moved here did I actually meet people who believe the South shall rise again. They do know they are a football toss away from Canada, don’t they?

Anyway, let me show you another fine example of creativity gone the way of the Dodo.

IMG_0652No fucking way! How on earth did these people do this? I mean, in order to open a bar there are a few people that need to be involved like the bank, the state, contractors, staff, restaurant supply sales, ect. And with all those involved you mean to tell me there wasn’t one who spoke up and said, “ejaculation is in the name of your bar”.

IMG_0653Even Budweiser was none the wiser. I hope the sign printing shop double checked. Well, I don’t think they did because they are missing an “N”.

You see what I mean? I don’t mean to be dick but come on, would things like this fly where you are? I didn’t think so.

IMG_0651At least I can buy maggots if I need some.

I’ve been working on some other posts. Much less bitchy.

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Excuses

I know, I’m a bad blogger but I have an excuse. Actually I don’t. Life has just been crazy here and it seems every time I look around to see what is happening another month has gone by. What is now, May? To me it is like March 83rd. So I will take this time to bitch about Idaho and Spokane and know you can’t wait to here about it.

DSCN0458I took the long way to work this morning and drove around the scenic part of my mountain. That’s right, it’s my mountain now. No one else is aware that they are living on Mt. Will but they are. Anyway, I nearly drove off the side when I passed this sign. Why would you advertise something for free and insult it? Curiosity is killing me and if I wasn’t absolutely positive that these people would kill and eat me in the name of Zworn the Overlord, I would bite. I’m really thinking of submitting this to Failblog.org.

DSCN0459I went for a loooooong hike the other day and just when I thought I was far from the reaches of humanity, I found this. Are you serious? There is no way for me to wrap my head around seeing a graffiti-ed rock miles away from any home or road. And Bart Simpson? So that means the artist had to hike at least 5 miles into the woods with spray paint. What a rebel. But then again it could be a Shawshank like clue to buried money. “Follow due north until you get to Bart Simpson. He’ll tell you what to do from there.”

DSCN0437I will admit that living in the Northwest during the Spring time is beautiful. It’s too bad my photography skills aren’t worthy enough to do it justice. This is West Glacier in Montana and I am still blown away that I can say, “I’m going to Montana for the day”. Or Canada for that matter! Here are some shots I took.

DSCN0423IMG_0563Meh, you get the gist. It was kind of funny but 90% of the park is still under many feet of snow. In order to get any hiking trails you have to walk on a paved road for almost 3 miles with dense forest on either side. It’s hard to explain but it had a real sense of purgatory. No scenery and a straight road. I have to admit it was very eerie after about a mile with no sounds, no people and only trees, road and sky in any direction. Perfect time for a bear.

So, I will be posting another post today. This time more on the VeggieMacabre style like I used to write. You know, shit like this…

psychoduckdl3Well I thought it was funny.


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Dag-Nabbit!

I think that’s the phrase of the last couple of weeks. Lately I have been taking great strides towards not using the Almighty’s name in vein so “dag-nabbit” seems to do fine.  Here are a few examples.

  • “I have had four cups of coffee and I’m still sleepy. You would think that for the $35 I spent on this coffee for a charity, it would be better than Starbucks.”

2982910480_30defe7297 “Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “I love shitzus! They are like little people and they have such a great disposition. Can I pet him?”

Image028“Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “Whew! Thank goodness I found a restroom after that 32oz Powerade.

……where are the urinals?”

190786603_2ded604006“Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “Thanks for the messages, Erica. I’ll make sure to call this client right now.”

“Hello, this is Will from DMM. May I please speak to Matt…

IMG_0528“Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “Why are there so many people laughing at me at stop lights? Is my car that dirty? I have to pull over and see what is so funny.”

IMG_0504“Dag-Fuckin’-Nabbit!”

You see? This has been one hell of a May so far. There is no way that the second half can go this way without my head spinning off it’s axis. At least it’s the 15th and a Friday.

God Damn it.

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