Sausages!

I have to admit, I have become pretty desensitized to what is funny in our current state of pop culture. Maybe it is the fact that the last season of The Office was a little drab. Or perhaps I am still holding a very bitter animosity towards Fox for canceling Arrested Development. What ever the case is, I very rarely have laugh out loud moments when it comes to television. To be fair I rarely watch enough of it to be a critic but still, the few shows I see that are prime time get little more than a smirk. That is why I focus on commercials because they can hit a home run when TV can barely get a base hit.

Bud Light commercials have to be the greatest dead space filler since Billy Mays made his infomercial debut. The cleaver campaign has touched the hearts of many 22 to 35 year old guys and can make even the most pedantic and culture asshole chuckle. I would love to see the think-tank at the corporate advertisement office. I imagine it is a room full of Nerf hoops, air hockey tables and dart boards with a kegerator in the corner and the ad execs ranged from 24 to 30 year old dudes. The dress code would be little more than no jean shorts and if you wore a polo, the collar had to be down. An environment like that would be perfect to give us a gem like this.

It’s nice to see that laundry detergents and stain removal products are not only targeting women. It’s true that most all the guys I know, including myself, do their own laundry. I even use dryer sheets and (gasp) iron from time to time. I still have a hard time figuring out how to get some stains out and normally I would just turn to the black magic of the local Korean dry cleaners but thanks to Tide’s stain stick I have some magic of my own. To be perfectly honest, it was this commercial that made me stop in the aisle at the grocery store. To this day I still have this in my head when I see someone with a stain.

I am old enough to remember the day when Snickers candy bars were target to be a quick alternative to lunch. It was the “pick me up” of the mid eighties but then that damn FDA gave us the food pyramid that didn’t include nugget, chocolate or caramel. So it was left to the kids and the commercials became drab. That is until recently when someone finally was in charge of the marketing that had a sense of humor. Maybe it is the weird, quirky characters but I laugh harder every time I see this. I have a thing with poorly played horns.

This one really spoke to me. I think I have been to Quizno’s collectively five times in my life but those five times were when the Quizo rats or chinchillas or maybe gerbils were the spokes….things. For the life of me I can not figure out why they got rid of them. The singing was perfect, the South Park like animation was aces and to this day I still say “They got a pepper barrrrr“. Now that has to say something to the marketing department when I still sing that four years later. We need to start a petition to bring the Mexican rat things back. “We love the subsssss!'”

Man, this was a stretch for a post. I have some long ones that I have been working on for a while and they should be up by Friday. Hope you like them.

By the way, where the fuck is spell check in the new WordPress? If there is one thing I can’t live without, it is spell check.

April 9, 2008 12

Another Proud Moment

This hasn’t happened to me for a while but the other day I was cruising around a very quirky gift store and had the scare of a life time. If you have read my previous posts it is clear that have issues with muppets/puppets that lack a sense of humor. Well, right when I walked in I heard a rattling sound and right to my right hand side stood this…

Jumpin‘ Jesus, what is that?!?! I leaped right out of my shoes and headed for the door making some noise that made me question my manhood. By the time I got to the door I looked back to see if the old lady had a hold on my collar. Then the brain kicked in and I began to realize it was not a satanic Grandma but a robotic, vibrating mannequin. The worker at the novelty shop came around the corner (amused, I’m sure) and gave warning that her husband is also in the store. With my heart in my throat I thanked her for the heads up and walked cautiously through the over stocked shop.

I was on guard and I must had looked like I was on patrol in Vietnam. There is one thing I hate and that is life size muppet-looking mannequins that move. I had to find this guy before he found me because shitting myself as a 30 year old guy in a chick store is a great way to kill any self esteem I had left.

Found him. It still made my heart jump but there he was. I can rest a little easier that there was no more surprise encounters with robo grandpa and grandma. I did feel a little silly inching up to take a closer picture by stepping one foot at a time while remaining at the ready to sprint in the opposite direction should he make any sudden movements. But seriously, look at this guy.

Why? Why would anyone need this? A six and a half foot, moving butler? If I was little and I came to this particular store I would still be awake today. There is nothing funny or cute about this and I tip my hat to the girl who locks up at night.

I was still keyed up and even this dog caught me off guard. I didn’t make girl noises but he made me ball a fist in defense. I guess this type of stuff is just wasted on me. There must be some repressed memory that elicits such an irrational response. I know that these things are rubber and metal but it doesn’t lessen the fact that being trapped in a small place with one would definitely make me squeeze my hamburger.

April 7, 2008 11

Band Names

Believe it or not there was a time in my high school career I was certain that I would be in a multi-platinum record selling, hard rock band. There wasn’t a question of if I would make it, but when. My days where filled with Led Zeppelin 3, Metallica’s “Kill’ em All”, Nirvana, The Animals, Pink Floyd, and Cream. To me, I was a visionary and so was my band. We were the only ones who saw the world this way and the only ones who knew that soon arenas around the states would be filled with thousands screaming our name,”Aerial Bullfrog”.

Now that I look back, that name doesn’t scream “Feed Africa” or “Stop AIDs”. Now it sounds like, at best, the opener for the band “Midlife Crisis ” thats only claim to fame is the keyboard player who did a track with The Georgia Satellites in 1993. No, Aerial Bullfrog sucked. Both the name and I’m sure the band if memory serves me correctly. I wish I could go back and give us a better name. Maybe my life as a rock star would have happened if only the name was cooler. Here’s some of the names I would toss around.

Pumpernipple
DickDrip and the Hand Cramps
Giant Ape Juice (Had to take that Matt.)
Midnight Running Scared Past A Pentecostal Sanctuary Under Cloudy Knight Sky (MRS PAP SUCKS) *she did
Drink More Ovaltine
Chewmama!
Puker
The Poo’s
Taco Taco
Go Meat!
Tipping Scooters
Apple Sounds (start every song by biting into an apple. Risk getting beer bottles thrown at you)
Veggie Macabre (Can’t help that one)

I have more. Need to think a little harder though. What are some of yours? I know you have them!

April 4, 2008 10

PSA’s That Taught Me Nothing

About a month ago my buddy Matt over at X-Entertainment wrote a great post about an old 80’s PSA add that warned kids of the hazards that drinking and driving poses. Of course to the little kids that we were when that particular add came out, the lesson was missed all together. Instead we were taunted not by the message but by the shock value that was burned into our brains. So now that I think back, there are a few PSA’s from my childhood that really taught me nothing more than a catchy tunes or sleepless nights thinking of evil puppets.

Ah shit, the old CBS intro. You know, the computer bleeps at the beginning? When I was searching for Woodsy the Owl adds I found this gem and that little tune brought me right back to the time when using the toilet was an option. I can not say I was a fan of Woodsy but I will say I met the owl in real life. I was a Tiger Scout and some poor bastard in an owl costume had to spend an afternoon at camp with us. I can still hear his muffled voice say, “give a hoot, don’t pollute!” Then he had to take his head off to keep from having heatstroke. Nothing like a giant dose of reality to 30 six year olds.

I was always confused why rolled up socks were singing to me. Then I payed closer attention only to realize that these were not socks at all but pills. That cleared a lot of questions up for me like, “why would people confuse socks with candy” and “Why would you call poison control if you eat a sock? You should call a shrink.”. To this day I still can’t believe Busta Rhymes stole this song for “Dangerous”. Now that is funny.

Should I touch this one? Oh I have to. First off the puppets are pretty scary and really belong at Six Flags, “Monster Plantation”. Second, if I ever have kids I don’t want them singing this. Maybe it’s the fact that I watch too much “To Catch A Predator” and I believe everyone is inherently evil and out to get children. Whatever the case, I have to believe the writers for this song are out of touch with the perverts of society. Or are they? Now I have the creeps.

Vince and Larry, the Crash Test Dummies never drove home the message that wearing your safety belt in a car would keep me from dying. No, I was too perplexed by the fact Larry had the same voice as Garfield. It really bugged me for some strange reason. I think Peter Venkman on The Real Ghostbusters also shared Garfield’s voice. I have issues.

I guess this as good of time as any to tip my hat to the voice of Garfield, Lorenzo Music. I was really upset when he passed in 2001 because his voice was one of the greats. Recognized by millions, he could read an obituary and somehow make you feel good about it. Wish he was still here but luckily for us he is immortalized by a fat cat that is 30 years old.

This commercial used to turn me on my fucking ear! I felt pretty bad for this kid when and I didn’t know why he took it the way he did. I used to put myself in his position and think, “If I was him I would ask her to dance and if she said no I would say, I’m sorry, you misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants.” Yeah. Then I would stare off into space smiling about how quick witted I was in an adolescent daydream.