Category: Random

Movies That Make You Shower

Have you ever seen a movie and felt so disturbed that you feel like brushing your teeth and taking a shower? God I have and for some strange reason, I love it. Almost to the point that if I don’t walk away with that dark, creepy feeling, I am somehow let down. I need help, I know. Here are a few of the movies that have stuck with me over the years and resulted in my carbon footprint being much larger thanks to the amount of lights left on over night. Now that it is almost October I feel a little less weird posting this.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

This is the king of all movies disturbing and macabre. I can never quite get through the whole dinner scene without taking a break and reminding myself that it’s just a movie. I guess the real reason this movie is so scary is the fact it is not supernatural at all. It is a realistic account of sick, cannibalistic killers that torment a poor girl to the point of making her completely insane. Another creepy factor is the fact a majority of the movie happens in the daytime and that plays on the mind. But the good thing about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is you can take away some good points to live by. Never pick up hitchhikers, never buy BBQ from a gas station, skip driving through central Texas and above all else, before you watch this movie be sure to have plenty of soap in the shower. You’ll need it.

Basket Case III

They sure don’t make movies like this anymore. I saw it when I was a young teen, flipping back and forth between this and the original HeadBanger’s Ball. The movie itself is very campy but the freaks and Grammy Ruth chilled me to the bone. Today’s feature flicks leave out the latex special effects and that is too bad. Kids of today might not get to experience a complete appetite killer like this B rated dump in a box which proves what I have been saying for years: we are raising little wussy kids. Here is the trailer and please, if you are eating something, you might want to put it down for a minute.

Troll

I bet you have seen this flick and you are asking, “why is this on the ‘need to take a shower’ list?”. Well, to be perfectly honest, I saw this when I was 8 and it was the frickin’ singing mushroom, man. And it was a good mushroom too! I can’t quite explain it but the fact there was singing fungus made me cringe. It’s funny what bugs a kid. I also hated Falcor the Luck Dragon’s back in The Never Ending Story. I thought it looked like white corn on the cob.

See? I was a weird kid.

The Stuff

Thanks to this cinematic gem I wasn’t able to eat yogurt, sour cream, mayonnaise, cream cheese, cottage cheese, vanilla pudding, marshmallow, the center of an Oreo, mozzarella, ricotta, or whipped butter. My kid cholesterol level was happy but it made dinner preparation for mom a little difficult. I never got over my mayo hate but luckily time heals all wounds and The Stuff faded from my mind over the years. I can once again scrape the white Oreo center with my front teeth.

The Gate

Oh The Gate! This was on HBO at least 30 times a day back in the mid eighties. I told myself not to watch it but every time, I found myself on the recliner with Cheese Puffs out of the can in hand, preparing to not sleep for a week. Its not that the movie is scary by any means, it just has a few gross parts and some disturbing claymation. And really, that’s all I need to feel grossed out. Especially when one of the characters turns into a demon and pusses out in a bathroom stall. There are no happy thoughts that can wipe that image away.

Spookies

1986 was the year for bad, really bad, horror flicks. Thank God for 1986! This is one of the worst by far but as a kid, I was petrified of it. I want to thank my Uncle Nat for renting this when the VCR was very much like the Wii of today. Nat was probably about 20 at the time and he was kind enough to hang out with an 8 year old but clearly, he didn’t understand what would scar a kid for life. Even today he’ll call me on my birthday just to say, “happy birthday Billlllyyyyy”.  I’m surprised I don’t remember the farting zombies. You would think that would stand out. Perhaps that escaped my attention from hiding behind the couch.

Braindead

Let me see, what can I say about this film? Nope, there are no words. There are only involuntary bodily functions that can sum up my feelings on this. Braindead covered all the bases of what would scare a kid and make them feel dirty for weeks on end. Babies in a blender to an old lady decomposing in her cream soup. Barf!!! The only thing I can do is show you this as an apology for the trailer.

There. Feel better? Good.

The Sentinel (1977)

Now this movie scared me so bad my feet went to sleep. That happens from time to time and it is a clear indication that the movie is really terrifying. If you haven’t seen this before and you like the horror genre, check it out. It will make you think twice about renting an apartment in the city. This video is pretty scary so proceed with caution. I give an A to whoever paired Bach with the scenes. Ultra creepy. I would give this an A plus but I just found out that the keyboard on my computer has two minuses and no pluses. What the fuck?

Don’t watch this at work!

I think this just knocked the moral compass of this blog down about a hundred steps but I want you to imagine this. Can you picture the puppeteers and the people doing the sex voices behind the scenes? Oh to be a fly on the wall at that studio!

Well, that is a wrap on the movies that make you want to decontaminate yourself. I know there are a thousand more but these are the ones that stuck out in my head. I hope you walked away with something but then again, it might be better if you didn’t. I’m going to post more of these type of blogs. That is what I started out doing and now that it is the spooky time of the year, why not?

11

Kootanee Hates Me

I consider myself a friend to the animal kingdom. There has never been a monetary donation I have not made when asked, either for shelters or endangered species fundraisers. I have had pets and just because I don’t currently reside with one does not mean I don’t want one. In all fairness to them I can not bring myself to have one based on my busy schedule. That is why I was so excited when I got this place and found out there was a dog already living here. His name is Kootanee, after the county we live in.

Isn’t he cute? Well wait, Kootanee and I have a love hate relationship: I love him and he hates me. In my entire life I have never had a dog who didn’t like me. It is starting to give me a complex! I even bought a bag of Beggin’ Strips and made a trail from his side of the house to my front door but all for not. I did, however, feed a few raccoons.

The guy who rents this place and Kootanee’s owner thinks that a delivery guy must have hit or pepper sprayed him as a puppy leaving him skiddish towards any male figures. Not even my high pitch “HEY BIG GUY” voice broke the ice. I have even left “cookies” outside of my door in hopes he would use me for food, but he eats and scampers off.

I was a little bummed at the beginning. There were thoughts of us hanging out on the front porch. I would sing Warren Zevon’s ‘Werewolves Of London” and Kootanee would be back up with an “Aroooooo” before the werewolves part. I would carve a pumpkin for Halloween and he would eat the innards. You know, common best buddy stuff. But not anymore.

I left for the weekend to visit Seattle and a mystery person on my blogroll, which you will soon find out next post. I accidentally left my running shoes on the front steps but I wasn’t concerned. Hell, I don’t even lock the door. But when I came home, guess what I found?

The dog shit on my shoes!!! Are you serious? Have you ever heard of such a thing? After all the treats and fairy talk, that furry asshole took a dump on my running shoes! This was not an accidental poop. My shoes were on steps so he had to actually back his ass up, up the steps, to shit on them. I’m dumbfounded! There have been plenty of times dog shit was under my shoes but never on top.

I sure hope that this winter isn’t so harsh that cabin fever sets in. Because I call first dibs on eating the dog.

13

The 2008 Fall Beer Review

Well, I guess it is that time of the year again. The weather has changed from warm and humid to cool and crisp. The sweaters are pulled from the Tupperware containers under the bed and the leaves on the trees begin to show off bright reds and oranges as a sign of their yearly demise. Kids are back at school, college football has begun and the Fall prime time shows are in full swing giving the perfect excuse to dip out of a lame date.  But most importantly, the Autumn beers are out so lets go drink some beer!!!

This is the 2nd Annual Beer Review for Veggiemacabre and I think I will continue it from now on. I have fun doing it and oddly enough it is one of the bigger Google hits on the stat counter. Tonight I am going to start with two beers that I am familiar with. Unlike last year I think I will review a few more but for my liver’s sake and your ability to understand what I am writing sake, I will start with two. So let’s begin.

So here are the first two beers of the season. On the left we have the ol’ standby Harvest Moon from the infamous Blue Moon Co. and on the right we have Broken Rake from the Pyramid Brewing Co. When I saw these at the Wal-Mart in Spokane (*shudders*) they were sitting on a pallet far removed from the open cooler. I am pretty sure these two six packs were meant for display but no matter. They went in the basket and and I tore out of there like I was stealing diapers and baby formula. I think I’ll begin with Harvest Moon. And yes, I am writing in real time.

I love Blue Moon and really, as far as “heavy” beers go, this is as heavy as I drink at a restaurant. It is a great summer time beer and the fact that an orange slice compliments it so well you just have to love it. Nothing in the world will make me more disappointed than a bartender who neglects the orange. It’s as big of a faux pas as forgetting the lime in a Dos X. We are lucky to live in such a forgiving country because a forgetful mistake anywhere else could result in cane lashings or an amputated pinky.

The Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale selection is very different than the summery Blue Moon in many ways. The body is much heavier and the taste is more along the line of an IPA. For those not familiar with an IPA it has a little bit of a bitter bite to it. (say that three times fast) Just a swig and my palate transports me to corn mazes and pumpkin patches. I think it might be the cinnamon which is really noticeable. Unlike the Blue Moon, there isn’t a fruit in mind that will compliment this so you can be free of the snide comments in public about drinking a ‘fruity’ beer. I give this a ‘B minus’ only because I have ruined my beer taste on Michelob Ultra and I have no right to even write a beer review. I speak the truth.

Damn I have some E.T. looking fingers in that picture. “Ooooooouuuuch.”

Anyway, this was a pleasant surprise. I wasn’t expecting much since I am unfamiliar to Northwestern beer companies but man, this was awesome. Broken Rake’s Amber Ale far exceeded my expectations and in comparison to the Harvest Moon, it kicked them in the balls. The amber was same in color and body to the Moon but the taste was sweeter and oddly enough lighter in body. A plus! This calls for a celebration in happy beer surprise. (insert Chinese accent there) Let’s carve something!

I tell you what, if you are in a Wal-Mart and you are buying two six packs of beer, a pound of pretzels and a whole pineapple, you are going to get looks. Whatever, I had a mission to accomplish. Originally I was going to carve a potato thanks to the suggestion of Mystie but seeing how I would be drinking and playing with knives, I needed to keep the target a little larger. So this is what I will be hacking up.

I don’t know why a pumpkin has always been the autumn tradition for carving? I have to be honest, pineapples are much easier to carve, you can eat the insides right away and above all else, it doesn’t smell like an old folks home. Yes, I have been to an old folks home that smelled like an inside of a pumpkin. Anyway, I think this will ward off evil spirits just as well and it provides a healthy amount of vitamin C while you are carving.

Awesome! Ruthless Toothless Paul the Pineapple in all his glory. Perhaps I should find this sad that it is a weekend and I am drinking alone while carving fruit. Nah, what else would I be doing? I think I have given these two beers a fair shake and I have to say that I recommend them to anyone who wants to put some buzz into the season. I guess I should put a disclaimer that states not to drink and drive or operate knives and stabbing weapons like I just did. So there you go. Next week I will be reviewing two more and these are my favorites so stay tuned. But for now I will go throw pineapple out in the woods for the wild turkeys or Bigfoot and sit in front of the fire as I finish off the rest of the Broken Rakes.

35

Karaoke, Beer and Bowling

I have to admit that even though I rip on the culture here in Idaho it has really increased my desire to write about some of the absurdities as if I was Crusoe keeping a journal. My phone is full of various pictures and notes that have to be seen to be believed. I actually sat next to an older couple the other night and the lady took out her teeth to smoke a cigarette. She told the bartender that she just soaked them before they came out and she wanted to keep them white. Fuck a duck! To be honest, they did look pretty white on a bevnap sitting on the bar. Had I been drinking more I probably would have put them in her ashtray when no one was looking because, well, I’m an asshole like that.

I know the picture above is blurry but this is where I was on Wednesday night. It was karaoke night at the bowling alley and more importantly it was “no smoking night” so I could give my jeans and shirts a break from having to practically burn them when I get home from the wreak of smoke. Notice that it is a David Allen Coe song? Yep, that little ditty was played no more than 30 times. And no one appreciated KISS’s “Strutter” either.

All in all there are some pretty good singers here in Idaho. HA! I can’t even type that with a straight face. The whole night sounded like a third grade trumpet recital. If I didn’t no better I would believe a gaggle of geese where circling over head confused on whether to fly south or mate on the cars in the parking lot. The real funny part is watching all the people support one another as each person butchered the song of their choice. I witnessed a few standing ovations and some “I just want to thank my Mama” speeches.

I really wished there was a Milo there.

By the way, what do you think he has in his pockets? My theory is Milo is packing dinner rolls from the “Singles Potluck/Karaoke Night”. It is plausible.

Anyway, did you know that zucchini grows larger here too? The bartender showed me her award winning zucchini and I have to tell you, i now feel a little inadequate.

Make sure you come back because this weekend I am doing my 2nd annual Fall Beer Review. It’s a great excuse to get loaded, carve something and possibly go to the emergency room. I’ll be back tomorrow. Me with 10 toes and 9 fingers.

13

The X-E Halloween Countdown

I am so sorry things have been so nuts here in Idaho and I haven’t really posted very much. There I go again, apologizing about something no one probably even notices. But anyway, I think most of my friends and family have become resolve to the fact I have been eaten by something by indigenous to the Idaho forests since I haven’t been able to talk on a regular basis. Soooooo, hello. I am still alive.

(I actually found this picture. No, I didn’t make this. In case you are wondering)

That being said I wanted to take a quick second to tell all my blog pals about the 6th annual Halloween Countdown at X-Entertainment.com that Matt Caracappa puts on. It is very entertaining (hence the name) and he is the only one I know who can write 3,000 words about wax vampire lips and teeth and make you generally excited about it. He posts everyday from now until October 31st so please stop by and say hello. I can’t imagine the fall without it.

11

Up ↑