Cry Havoc And Let Slip…

…The Dogs of ‘Ween.

That is right folks. It is that time of year again and I know it is not too early because I don’t shoot my mouth off until Matt over at X-Entertainment does. The Fall season has begun and all seasonal stuff is now un-tabooed so that means I am free to blog about anything and everything macabre without fear of people thinking that I am weird. But who am I kidding? People think that regardless.

I am going to be doing a lot of reviews this year. To me, my opinion matters and I live in a fantasy world where everyone else believes that too. I read and watch many review sites and more times than not, I trust what they say. So, I figured why not and to kick off the season I will be doing so with the 3rd Annual Fall Beer Review. Of course that will include drunken carving.

Oh the movies we will watch! I think if you have been on here long enough you get the point that I lurve old school horror as much as I do beer. And given the choice between the two, I am positive my head would turn inside out and explode from the fuse blowing conundrum in my brain. I think this week we will start off with an oldie but a goody, House On Haunted Hill. The old version, not the crap from today. Vincent Price was a genius and anyone would want to argue that, I will meet you with pistol on the hill at midnight. You can see this version on Hulu.com. Each week I will highlight a new favorite and try to keep it to those shown on either Hulu or YouTube so everyone can play. Hopefully Canadians can too because Sulya told me Hulu and Disney joined together to eradicate kittens or something and she can’t watch much. Nazis.

I ask, no, demand, that you follow along with the Halloween Countdown over at X-Entertainment.com. Matt has been doing this for years (weird to say that) and when it comes to the king of the season, I think he has held the crown for sometime. Trust me, you’ll get hooked all the way through January 1st. It is a great way to enjoy the seasons with other adults who don’t see Halloween as a time to dress as sluts at parties or burn poop on the neighbor’s doorstep. Okay, so we do that too. But still, it’s a nostalgic good time for all. Click the picture above to go there. I command you.

I told you before I want to bake something and I need your recipes. Allison gave me a good one and I am sure she is good for more. Nothing too complicated because, well, I am a guy. I can put out fires but in my own kitchen, I would rather not. I will post a step by step success or failure and test them on my neighbors. If they croak you’re going under the bus. Just kidding. I would just bury them in a pet semetary on an old Indian burial ground. Like they would comeback…

torrancefamily — Borrowed this from Finalgirl. Chech her out. Very good writer!

There might be a vlog. I haven’t decided that fully but I have been leaning that way. Hand gestures just prove to be too important not to use. Recently I have incorporated a bird and a dog into my hand gesturing conversations. You just have to see it. I have not decided this yet because I still like to imagine that you read this in a Robert Goulet voice. You know I hate to disappoint.

September and October are not really about gearing up for the day of Halloween. To be quite honest, by the time Halloween roles around I am pretty burned out and looking forward to Turkey day when all is right with the world with food, beer, football and the Macy’s Day Parade. But I really enjoy the little things about this time of year like the retail market focusing on bats and skulls, silly horror movies on UPN, the bizarre Kraft food Halloween ideas on the back of cheese packs, the change in weather and hunting for the ultimate pumpkin in the most sincere pumpkin patch. It is nice to focus on life that goes by so quickly and enjoy just a piece of what most busy people never notice. Call me silly but a slice of Heaven is sitting on the back porch with a crisp evening Fall breeze blowing, drinking an Octoberfest beer, watching a candle flicker in a proudly carved pumpkin while Friday the 13th part III plays as background noise. I hope you will join me over the next few weeks. Trust me, they fly.

September 10, 2009 16

Is This Seat Taken On The…

That’s rights folks, I am back on the short bus going straight to Hardee’s, er, Hades with a front row seat reserved. I guess it is just a perfect end to an amazingly shitty-ass week. I mean, this week was a humdinger. Let’s recount this for posterity sake, shall we?

I have been having tire trouble with my right front for a while. Every so often it loses pressure and though I have had it checked, there was no indication that a hole was in it. So, I concluded that gremlins sneak air out of it in transit because any other explanation could only lead to ridicule from the Les Shwab tire dolts.

Well, I came back from a trip to find it completely flat in the parking lot. Mother fucker. At that point I knew I had to call it quits with the mystery tire and just change it. So I proceeded to get to work. The only issue was that I had a hell of a time trying to get the jack off (haha) the tire mount resulting in a great gash up the wrist. No biggie, I have had worse.

Long story short I managed to get the car jacked up and took the flat tire off. But before I could put the spare on I noticed a strange creaking sound. While I was trying to pinpoint the odd sound there was a terrific POW and the car came crashing down on an empty wheel rotor-thing, nearly severing my flip flopped wearing foot. The jack completely buckled and busted.

Holy shit I nearly shit a shoe! I kid you not that was more nerve racking than getting into a moving accident. Not only did I almost cut/crush my foot in half but now my car was crippled on pavement with a bent brake and tire mount. I have never heard of a jack completely failing like that. Have you? It’s nice to know that 28K car has a $5 jack in it. Someone is getting a letter!

So, yay for triple A. Car is in recovery and I am in credit card debt.

I like to say that I am a professional firefighter but in the spring, hours and shifts became hard to get so I was forced back into corporate America as an office solution consultant. This week the “said” boss from Vegas took off for his cabin and left me with the glorious responsibility of firing two people. And anyone who knows me, knows that if I, so much as bump into your shopping buggy at the grocery store, I feel like I should load your car, so one can imagine how much I have been looking forward to canning people who look at me as the “wiffleball tony” of the office. (wiffleball Tony is the guy at the picnic that everyone loves and is the one to start the wiffleball game)

One of the guys I really didn’t mind letting go because, to be honest, he sucked. I have about as much use for him as I do a 4 foot novelty monkey wrench and while that sounds harsh, it really is not. He told a client her breasts didn’t look real while fixing her copier. I fired him with extreme prejudice.

The other, it was difficult and when ever I am in a position of awkward difficulty, I get the giggles. Yup. It’s awful and I am definitley bus-bound to the 7th circle. But even though I handled that like a roller skating party for the Nealy School of the Mentally Challenged, I managed to find him possible employment from a competitor. Don’t ask. People owe me favors I suppose.

To cap it all off, yesterday sealed it for me that this week ranks high on the one out of 52 to forget. I was walking downtown and past a large window front of a small office space. On the window were pictures and at first glance I thought they were employees showing off how much fun it is to work there. I then stopped and focused in on a particularly funny photo that look much like this one:

I couldn’t help myself. I let out a thunderous laugh that scared birds from trees. It was one of those contagious laughs you see and while you don’t know what is funny, you find yourself laughing to share their joy. But soon my joy was replaced with a cold sweat of embarrassment and shame as I browsed the other photos and looked past the pictures to see people staring back at me with a look of disgust.

Remember how I mentioned earlier about the Nealy School for the Mentally Challenged? Yeah, I was standing infront of their school. When the realization hit me of what I looked like laughing at these pictures I would have rather been in these ten other places at that particular time.

Driving a Baptist Bus around Baghdad
Having a “meet in the middle” banana eating party with 62 year old Russian prostitute.
Farting in a yoga class full of girls
Setting up a PETA booth at the Idaho State Fair
Having a moped accident on live TV
Watching Boogie Nights with my Mom
Getting a job as a stage hand for the Hannah Montana Tour
Cursed with permanent sand grain in mouth
Teaching T Pain grammar lessons
Eating this laptop

I swear on all that is holy I did not know they were retarded. I really thought the guy was just caught in a bad picture. That didn’t seem to matter and any other week I would apologize and make amends but this week proved to be too much. So I ran. I ran hard and fast with tie flapping in the wind. I think karma owes me an IOU for this week.

Think less of me?

September 4, 2009 21

Where Did You Go? Part 11

Here we are, turned all the way up to eleven. Tell me where that line comes from and I will give you 400 gorka gabbas. If you don’t know what those are they are my own currency that I plan on flooding into the economy. So you will be ahead of the game! What was I talking about?

We will start off with the bread winner for the Tanner family in one of my favorite shows of the 80’s, ALF. Max Wright played Willie Tanner, a meek social worker that is constantly pushed to the edge by an ADD alien named ALF. I always tuned in on Monday nights, sitting in my GI Joe’s (themed PJs) nervously waiting the moment when Willie snapped and back-handed Kate or hammer punch Benji in the nose. Of course it never happened and Willie kept his cool, even when Alf dug a pool in the backyard garden.

Max hasn’t been in the TV or film circuit in the past 10 years. Partly because of his diagnosis with lymphoma and his run in with a few mailboxes resulting in a DUI arrest. On the lymphoma he has been in remission but the duey, I’m afraid Max plead guilty. Dag, yo. He has been in many TV episodes throughout the 80’s like Tales From The Darkside, WKRP in Cincinnati, MASH, and even was in the first couple episodes of Friends as the Central Perk’s manager. But ALF was his only real main role for TV. As far as his other acting roles he has been in such movies as Soul Man, Grumpier Old Men and The Sting II. His live theater acts like Broadway actually led to a Tony for IVANHO. Who knew Willie would win a Tony?

Max currently resides in California with his wife, Linda and their two kids Ben and Daisy. I suppose he is doing well and waiting, like the rest of us, for an ALF comeback. But that can’t happen until ALF puts down the pipe and sticks with his rehab.

You think that cookie looks like Anne Ramsey? Fuck’n eh, it does! But really, I think it looks more like this below from Big Trouble In Little China. Either way, you can’t eat something that cool.

So yeah, Anne Ramsey was an icon in the film industry. At least the film industry that interests me. Her most memorable roles to me were The Goonies, Mamma Fratelli and Throw Mamma From The Train. Can you believe she was nominated for an Oscar for that? Too bad she past away from throat cancer before the nominations were rewarded. Regardless her list of roles were plenty and in all reality she didn’t start her film career until late in life.

I remember being a little scared of her as a kid. I think it was the gruff appearance and her “after stroke” way of talking. To this day my friends and I quote “Quiet, you lashey poop!”. That was from Throw Mamma From The Train.

She was married to the actor Logan Ramsey but her career really took off after his death. She has been in a number of great films like Scrooged, Any Which Way You Can and National Lampoon’s Class Reunion to name a few. But to me her most memorable role and sadly her last was a cranky old lady in ALF. Strange how that ties in. RIP Anne.

Alison Parker. Who is Alison Parker, you ask? That is a good question because unless you have seen the 1977 movie, The Sentinel, you wouldn’t have a clue. I have researched quiet a bit and came up with very little. And I find that strange because her only role is a staring one and she shares it with many famous actors and actresses like Christopher Walken, Chris Sarandon, Ava Gardner, Eli Wallach, Tom Berenger, Jeff Goldblum, Richard Dryfuss, and many more. Where did she go? But I guess that’s my job to know, huh?

I think I need to keep these next two in character. Above is Ben Gardner in the movie Jaws. Actually he is a real fisherman that inspired Shaw’s character Quint, but that’s neither here nor there. Ben has an on going role in the movie but is rarely seen. Known as the local fisherman he pokes fun of the visiting frenzy of fisherman stating “…they’ll wish their mothers had never met their fathers when they start slamming into those rocks…” and other such witty jaunts. But there is one thing that puzzles me. How did he die?

See? Did Jaws just eat one eye? Did he trip and stick it on something sharp? Did Jaws spit his head back in the boat? Who knows? I smell fowl play.

Much like Ben “Headintheboat” Gardner, Ben Trammer of Halloween one and two has an ongoing but rarely seen role too. In the first Halloween Ben and Laurie had a thing. Well, as much as two shy nerds do, anyway. But poor Ben made the mistake of being a William Shatner fan much like Mike Myers was and dressed just like him on that night. What are the odds? To good in my mind. In any case, Ben is seen above fleeing Loomis who is having an episode only to be hit, crushed, exploded and burned to death by….a deputy of the law.

2hhji55 — Laurie was right. Ben is kind of hot. Ohhhhhh....

I didn’t really have a question about Ben but I do find it very uncreative of the screen writers to dress Ben up as a blond Michael Myers. I mean, did Ben off a tow truck driver too? Meh, I am thinking too hard about this again. S knows what I mean.

Real nice, Loomis. Real nice.

August 31, 2009 23

Autumn Is Creeping

I can not believe that Fall is coming so soon. Next Tuesday is September the first and the death rattle of summer has already begun here in the Northwest. Before I know it all the trees will be bare and my flops will be flipped for boots. But we ain’t there yet. I am going to make a promise this year. I am going to enjoy this Autumn and embrace the coming holidays, unlike my last couple of years. This time I am really going to do it right because I love this season. You know it’s magic when it’s magical and that my friends, is a statement to live by.

The List

Annual Fall beer review (haven’t decided which one yet. Suggestions?)
Probably a puppetry art blog with more candy
Going to bake something. (send recipies)
Octoberfest review in Levenworth, WA
The half Marathon in Levenworth (See Macabre Fitness for that one)
Tribute to Halloween 3
VHS Horror Night (brought to you by the local VHS rental store)
Annual carving of something
Jones Soda review
Memories of Holiday-past blog (for sure)

I always cheat my way out. Corn should have had thorns.

I will be adding to this list but I think I can at least come through on these. I have a new and much larger place with a neat little office to work from so my creativity has no excuse to go tits-up like I have been doing these past months. I find writing has been all about atmosphere as of late and now that I can look at my Tom Atkin’s picture for creative inspiration, I know that good things are to come.

I have finally finished my “Where did You Go?” post but before I post I want to check some conflicting facts. A while ago I recieved an email from a star (?) with a correction. I am not sure if it is legit but regardless, I want to be truthful and not hurt anyones feelings.

August 27, 2009 14

Movies That Don’t Hold Their Tunes

You know what? I have not done a post like this in some time. I guess I forgot my roots or maybe it’s the fact that Matt from X-E hasn’t updated his site very much. Or at all. I will save that heartache for another day. But for now, someone has to pick up the flag and charge it ahead screaming, “I want people to read my opinions over shit that makes no difference!”. So today as I sit in my office, taking an earned brake from the stresses that stress others but not me, I will write about….movie themes that are scarier than the movie.

“Laurie’s Theme” from the movie Halloween:

I love this theme in the movie Halloween. It had a way of creeping you out in sense that even though it was day, there was a sense of impending doom after nightfall. Well, that’s how I felt when I saw it on Channel 46, mid-October, one Saturday afternoon many years ago. Since then this little piano tune that John Carpenter created has brought many memories of hayride smells, cider, pumpkins and latex masks. The entire mood of autumn is in these few notes. That and the intro to The Great Pumpkin.

2. The Shining

I think I am in the majority that claims the movie The Shining was not as terrifying in the way it has been portrayed. You can ask almost anyone that hates horror movies and they will tell you The Shining is the exception. And it’s the exception because it is smart and tolerable to many cinematric-snobbies. (made both those words up)

The musical score, however, is bone chilling. Perhaps it is the foreboding, heavy brass that paints this picture that a small nuclear family is going face to face with a giant in the form of isolation, impassable roads, unlivable temperatures and a hotel with dark secrets. Or maybe it’s just the damn creepy wailing between the brakes in music. Regardless, it is hard to listen to alone at night and as far as I am concerned, way creepier than the film itself.

3. JAWS

Ok, I have an artistic license to contradict myself here and say that in this case, the music is not a scary as the movie was. But still, I think John Williams deserves an honorable mention for trying because no matter where I am; pool, lake, ocean, tub, sprinkler; this score is playing in my head.This has always been a theme for something or someone that is inevitably about to be devoured. Whether it is shark vs. man, lion vs. zebra, or me vs. broccoli, I owe John Williams kudos for giving predators the ultimate theme song.

And it’s PG?!?!?! We were a lot tougher back in the day, huh?

4. Amittyville Horror

The more I watch this movie the more I realize that this could have been made to be far more frightening. They tried to remake it a few years ago but I won’t even try to trash it because it’s not worth the efforts of my fingers. That being said I will give a standing ovation supported by a golf clap for the theme music. Very disturbing and like the theme to Steven Spielberg’s (Tobe Hooper, really) Poltergeist, kids singing “laa laa laa” is always unnerving. Especially when you have an overactive imagination like mine and you assume those are dead kids singing from your backyard at night.

By the way, the sequel is way more scary. It has possession, Catholic guilt, evil, incest, family violence and murder all wrapped into one hour and forty five minutes. Hooray for boobies. I don’t know…

Well, this was short and sweet but I felt that I needed to get something up and keep it in theme to what I love: all nonsense. And how annoying is it that YouTube redirects you to YouTube when you want to watch a video? Why can’t everything be how I want it?

Oh! And now I am in Moscow. Moscow, Idaho that is. Look it up because it might be the source for more “ripping on Idaho” posts. So far I like it a hell of a lot more that where I was but the other night I was almost accosted by interpretive dancers. No shit.

August 12, 2009 12

Category: nothing in general

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