Category: Humor

Well, It Could Be Worse

I am starting to dread Wednesday meetings and it’s not because they are drab or boring. They are but there is a dedicated hour that I have to show my account predictions and compare them to last week’s using only Microsoft Project. That means there are no fancy hand gestures or Wookie defense talk that can save me from the blank expressions after I clearly tell them in numbers whether I had a good week or a bad one. So today I sat there, wrestling with the projector, thinking that there are far worse places to be. Believe it or not, the meeting went over well, even though I showed the room I am a retard with a rubix cube when it comes to a certain account. It’s all about perspective, my friends. Let’s take a look at some examples.

One could always be in here. I try to make it a goal to only be in a port o potty in emergency senerios but when I am, this is never too far from my mind.

Great Whites are by far my favorite animal in the animal kingdom. It’s ironic, but they are the last thing I want to see at the beach. I think the comedian Kevin James summed it up best when he said, “I have the same reaction in the ocean when something touches me foot, whether it’s seaweed or a great white shark.”

I don’t know what would be worse here, wearing a Speedo in public, having a Euro-mullet or getting a face full of ass.

I took a course in Crew Resource Management for pilots and a good portion of it was listening to the black box recordings of the final moments before a crash. I guess it was to analyze the decision making and crew management but I walked away very disturbed. All I thought about were the passengers and how out of touch they were of the dire situation that was unfolding in the cockpit. It’s kind of like my love/hate of the great white. I love flying but I’m nervous as a passenger.

Shot by a monkey. It could happen! They have thumbs you know. I’m just kidding. I do think getting attacked by a primate would really ruin your day. I watched a program on Animal Planet and they had a guy with half a face testify to how bad it sucks to be attacked by a monkey. He also lost his testicles. That solidified it. I can never trust a monkey again.

I’m glad this little guy learned not to chew on pens at an early age. I had to learn it in college during Public Speaking 101.

I have no idea how people get themselves in positions like this but it’s a given that I would rather be in a meeting than having this X-Ray taken.

So you see? It’s all about perspective in life and that alone will power me through a two hour meeting. Tonight I will go to an equally dull dinner so I am thinking I would much rather do that than cut off my lower lip with a rusty pair of scissors. Wow, now I can’t wait to go!

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Practical Joke Day!

I think I need to be a little more productive at work. It’s not that I am bored or lazy, it’s just that the days seem to drag on a bit longer than I remember. So today I couldn’t help myself and regressed to a 16 year teenager. I pulled a practical joke on a co-worker and I must say, I am pretty proud of myself. It wasn’t a Jim Halpurt “calculator in Jello” maneuver but it was on the same level.

To defend myself the person on the receiving end deserved it. He’s a good guy but one, he plays competitive handball. That’s disturbing. And two, he asked me if I ever have a serious side. Well pal, here is your answer.

Here is how it went down:

  • Conducted inner office reconnaissance from 8-10am
  • Observed that the subject left his cubicle to the printer station at least 5 times in an hour.
  • When he was at the printer station I pulled up a YouTube clip and paused it
  • Turned his processor backwards toward the wall and turned his speakers all the way up.
  • Before unplugging the mouse I pressed play and turned off his monitor.
  • Crawled on my hands and knees all the way to my office without anyone noticing
  • Watched all the gofers pop their heads from the top of the cubicles
  • Saw said person come unglued
  • Then went back to work worried that I took it too far.

Here is the video. Imagine it’s in a quiet office and this is way loud.

I shouldn’t be in corporate America.

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Where Did You Go? Part…4?

I think I am going to keep up with my inquiry into obscure actors and actresses that mean a lot to me. It’s fun to poke around the internet and find out that the co-star of a long lost great sitcom now owns a chain of TCBY’s around Delaware. Then again the same search can reveal the actor died from an asphyxiation fetish while jerking off in a Motel 6 off International Blv. in Orlando. Regardless it makes for interesting reading.

Tom Atkins has always been the symbol of masculinity for mid range budget 70’s and 80’s horror movies like The Fog, The Creepshow, Night Of The Creeps and of course the cinematic equivalent to a dump in a jar, Halloween III. He wears a tough exterior as the hero who is never far from the vices that bind him. I don’t think i have seen him in a movie without a drink in one hand and a cowboy killer in the other. If there is ever a reason to drop everything I have worked for in life, grow a mustache, move to Hollywood and pursue a career in acting it’s because of Tom Atkins. It’s Miller time!

Tom is still pretty busy these days. He has a list of movies that are still in post and pre production and has made quite a few TV appearances to include Walker Texas Ranger, The Fall Guy and Xena: Warrior Princess. He still resides in his home state of Pennsylvania and I really hope he’ll make an appearance at Screamfest 2008 in Florida because the chance of meeting him is the only real reason I am going.

This has always puzzled me. What did Jennifer ever see in Cousin Larry? She was way out of his league, don’t you think? Well, regardless the actress who played Jennifer is Melanie Wilson and she cranked my tractor, even when I was only eight. She had a long ride with the show “Perfect Strangers” and was also in a couple of other great shows from the eighties like “Simon And Simon”, “The A-Team” and the spin off “Family Matters”. I think she has been behind the scenes in a few other Hollywood projects but nothing after 2001. Little known fact, she is the daughter of the late “Mr. Whipple” from the old Charmin toilet paper commercials. Sorry for your recent loss, Melanie. Mr. Wilson was one of the greats.

Alice Drummond will always have a place close to my heart from that fateful scene in the beginning of Ghostbusters when she was the New York librarian who encountered that full torso, free floating, non vaporous apparition that made me shit my pants as a child. I still love her interview with Bill Murray which gave us the famous line, “Back off man. I’m a scientist.” She has been in many films and TV shows in her career and is still cranking them out today. It’s kind of funny that she is of grandmother age and shot an episode of “Boston Legal” called Ass Fat Jungle. Oh to be on set when the grip tells her, “scene 4, Boston Legal, Ass Fat Jungle take 2…..action!”

I feel a little bad about this, but until recently I have always known Alex Karras as Webster’s father, George Papadopolis and the dumb guy that punched out a horse in Blazing Saddles. It turns out he was also an All American college football great, an NFL legend for the Detroit Lions, a Monday Night NFL commentator and a professional wrestle. Hrm, who knew? I bet over half the population of America knows Karras as the NFL great and not George. That’s why I write this stuff!

On another point, don’t you find the character names strange in the show “Webster”? George Papadopolis, Katherine Calder-Young Papadopolis, Webster Long, and poor Heather O’Rourke didn’t even have a last name. Just Melanie. I am curious how those names came to be.

This was a pretty lame post, but I couldn’t leave the site on such a sad sack note.

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100!

Today marks the 100th post on Veggie Macabre. It’s not that big of a deal but I have been known to throw parties for triple coupon day at Target. So today will be no different in the fact that I will walk around the office with a false sense of accomplishment. People will ask me how I am and I will say, “pretty fucking great, pissface” and high five them. During the Monday morning mandatory meeting (MMMM…) I will make a motion that every Friday will be “Hawaiian shirt day” or at least “short sleeve button down with tie day”. After work I will go to the running track and try and race every jogger I see and at the end I’ll dump water on my head and repeat, “I just never stopped believing…i never stopped.” Later in the evening I will go to the bar, alone, and order one bourbon, one scotch and one beer and start a discussion that George Thorougood looks goofy in comparison to how he sounds. Big teeth. And before I go to bed, I will read over the past eleven months on Veggie Macabre and reflect how life has changed, both for the good as well as the bad and be thankful for all I have.

So for this 100th post I think I’ll keep to the same theme of no theme. He are some pictures I took on my camera phone from the past couple of weeks. I know a few are of poor quality but then again, it’s a camera phone. So here you are, a look into my world.

I have passed this guy a few times on the commute to work. It’s no doubt he’s a little special but hey, he can ride a bike. Notice the ballistic sand/snow goggles, the Styrofoam helmet and the fingerless gloves? God bless him, he makes my day. Especially when I see him going up a hill. Old boy really works that bike.

For F’ sake, Pizza World finally went under. It’s a sad day when mom and pop restaurants like this get gobbled up by corporate crapheads. There are never enough places like Pizza World, Sandwich Planet or Rocket Burger. I guess it’s the space theme I really enjoy. R.I.P. Pizza World.

This is a real house. No shit, it’s a real house and two elderly people live there. The rumor is back in the 60’s, when this town had a population under 500, the guy promised his wife she would one day live in a castle. He made good on his word and he built this. I don’t think she was expecting a putt-putt castle, though. It even has a mote and gnomes that guard the entrance. It’s funny but most people are awaiting the day the owners open the doors for an open house, much like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

At least there is one guy that isn’t European still holding on to the Zoo Pants. I caught this at the grocery store and it took me at least five pictures to get this one. He was on a mission to buy vitamins I suppose. Regardless, most of the store was aware of my picture taking and I immediately had to fake a phone call. You know you have too.

People who decorate the rear widow of their car with stuffed animals give me the heebs. I don’t know why people feel this is a good idea. I bet you the person driving this car is sporting an airbrushed t-shirt from their 1998 vacation to Panama City, Florida. Ooooo, I’m a shit.

Played some golf with clients last week and it turns out I really need more practice. Ever since I hit a dudes house a few years ago that erupted into a violent altercation, I have been anti-golf. But, you have to go where the money is and it turned out to be pretty lucrative, Even though most of my shots looked like this.

Every so often I go out to trendy night spots. This one was my favorite. It’s small, quaint, artsy and the people don’t get puke drunk and fall into you, causing beer to get on a new sports jacket. Not that has happened. I find myself repulsed by bars that require bouncers. Another bonus, the TV’s have Dr. Seuss cartoons on all the time. Weird.

I didn’t know having to take a piss was a privilage, privalage, pri-vo-lege, privilege. (whew) I haven’t lost that right since the Army. This was taken at a fortune 500 company building in Atlanta of all places. It’s a clear example of someone who has some leadership power and no idea how to handle it. Of course I wrote “O’Doyle Rules” on the wall.

So, in keeping with my random theme of Veggie Macabre, that is what is on my phone. The quality is never the best but I love having the ability to capture a moment in time to share or force on people. The 100th post isn’t that huge of a mile mark but I think I have at least 100 more. So cheers, tomorrow is 101.

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Voices Kerry?

Every so often I find out that I have been wrong about a particular saying, name, word, ect. Today it was a song. I have been singing this in the car for years only to be corrected when I muttered the words under my breath. The girl in the office asked, “what are you singing?” Immediately I became self conscious as I slowly muttered what I sang. Of course hysterical laughter followed suit as I asked what the real lyrics were. I was way off.

The song was “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday. It has always been a great song in my mind but I have been consistently wrong about the lyrics and what the song was about. I haven’t even watched the video until today. Not only did I have it wrong years ago but I self corrected the lyrics and made it worse.

The line “Hush hush, keep it down, Voices carry” never sounded that way to me. I originally thought it was “Hello Josh. You came downtown. This is Kerry”. As if the boyfriend or who ever, came late to downtown to meet his girl who is introducing him to her friend Kerry. I even had a scene in my head about how the interaction would go. Well, that was wrong and the more I thought about it the sillier it seemed. So I changed it.

Now it was “Oh Josh, keep it down now, you’re so scary.” That was the line I shot out this morning. It seemed to be more conducive with the tone of the song but alas, this too was wrong. So I get to be taunted for the next week or too with ‘Voices Carry” and I’m too stubborn to sing it correctly. Josh is scary.

EDIT!

I feel it is my duty to do this. I am now going to ruin Celine Dion’s song from the movie Titanic, “My heart Will Go On.” When she sings “..I believe that the heart does goes on” replace it with “the hot dogs go on”. I swear, you’ll never listen to it the same way again.

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