Category: Holiday

Halloween……really?

Don’t get me wrong, I like Rob Zombie. I liked him in White Zombie back in the nineties and as a painter when he redecorated the Headbangers Ball’s studio with B horror art. But now he has the artistic license and money to take on films as a visionary director. I saw House of 1000 Corpses and believe it or not I really liked it for what it was. He has a knack for reviving the old drive-in horror for it’s intended purpose. Now, however, he has taken the project of remaking the classic, Halloween. Please don’t put a bad name on this great movie. They shot the original in 21 days with a budget even I could afford and made an immortal mark on US cinema. Good luck Rob!

I hope the new Halloween starts out like this. I doubt it will but there is always hope. I remember when I saw this movie and much like Jaws, the beginning musical score really set the tone. When ever I hear it I actually smell pumpkin innards. It will be hard to follow what Clive Barker wrote by just messing around on his piano. Rob might be tempted to go quite a bit further.

What a classic introduction to a sequel! With the creepy “Mr. Sandman” song everyone is quickly brought up to speed on how Haddonfield, Illinois is still not done with their Halloween night. I saw Halloween II before the original so I was one of the many who appreciated it. Believe it or not, this was my first horror movie. When I saw that chick boiled in a rehab bath I knew my relationship with Micheal Myers would be special. He’s my pal.

Even the young Myers is a drastic change. One looks pretty scary and the other one looks like the drummer from Hanson. I truly got the creeps from the first Mike. His blank stares give an open ended question to how a little kid could be so sadistic. The surfer to the right is just trying too hard. Now that I think of it, I am pretty sure this kid flicked me off while I was in Star-buck’s. Fuck you little Hanson.

That’s why I am worried that Rob Zombie will put too much of a character behind the mask. The whole reason that Mike Myers was scary to begin with was that there was no reason. I heard that the new movie will delve deep into Micheal Myers psyche and give reason for his psycho behavior. I just want to leave it that he was that Boogieman. For once there has to be a bad guy that is just evil for no reason! Don’t let me identify with the killer! That’s not scary!

Well, good luck in remaking this timeless classic, Rob. Don’t fuck it up. Samhain is watching.

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Getting Ready For Fall: Beer Review

Well, as most of you know I have recently left South Florida and now I can finally have the seasons back. It has been two years and I know I am wishing them too soon but I can’t help it. As August draws to a close, Fall has begun to creep in the retail, grocery and drug stores. This means only one thing. Drinking beer with a celebratory purpose! Tonight I have purchased the J.W. Dundee’s Beer Pack because J.W. is directly responsible for me being intoxicated many Halloweens in a row. I consider Honey Brown the poor man’s snooty beer that you can find at Kroger for $10 or less. For that, I love J.W.

There she is! The box of hopes, dreams, loss of virginity, and many nights roaming around fields, talking to myself at 4 in the morning, pissed that Balky Bartakomas never returned to his homeland of Meepose. This box made me what I am socially and now I can pay tribute to the cheap lager that separated me from the rednecks at the party.

Ah, look what we have to choose from! Four glorious beers of different taste and alcohol percentage. By the time one beer was downed the chance of the other three getting their fair shake was iffy at best. So tonight, now that I am 29 with a seasoned liver, the other three will get their time in the spot light.

The cell phone camera doesn’t do it justice but the fine print says “perfectly balanced.” True that, because that is the first thing I will say to a cop when asked to perform a sobriety test. “Officer, there is no way I can fail. I drank 9 perfectly balanced beers and if I falter, I am suing.” People don’t drink health drinks to be sick!

I actually have a normal looking hand but I can’t figure out the dimensions of the picture enough to care. “I am not deformed.” (That is for you Kneg) Pale Bock is the beer you drink at the Hayride Drink-Tank to show how festive you are. Unfortunately this beer can also screw you over because it is too heavy to mix well with Jell-O shots and if you drink this to look sophisticated, you may have your card pulled by yarfing on the girlfriend’s overalls while making out in the pumpkin patch. Not that I know.

This beer, Pale Ale, had to be tasted with a careful balance of Birthday cake ice cream. Sophisticated beer calls for sophisticated ice cream. I drank this while finishing my degree from University of Maryland and believe it or not, people respected my choice of beverage. They form opinions about foreign policy, politics, engineering projects and national policy but they are still impressed by the mere fact I did not drink Bud lite for $1.50 but choose to drink a $3.50 Pale Ale. Did that make me rich in personality or wealthy in appearance? Who knows, but that is the loudest voice of nonconformity and they judged me on what I drank.

Ah….the oldie but goody! This beer symbolizes the end of summer and the beginning of fall. This is the beer that I drank in graveyards at night and behind football stadiums after the varsity game. The best times of my life have been forever linked to this beverage. This beer symbolizes old friends reunited and new friends met. I think that is what the fall season is as a whole. You know what? I am going to pay tribute to Honey Brown and the J.W. pack tonight. I know it is August but what the fuck? What can I carve?

Why not? Jack-o-Lanterns where able to scare away evil spirits so why not peppers? I think I will make a tribute to my favorite Fall time beverage from J.W. Dundee the way I want to. I am going to make the most sincere Pep-O-Lantern (Kristiane) anyone has ever seen and try not to cut off my finger. I am carving under the influence!

It is not the greatest but it makes me happy. Shit, that is all that matters anyway. Thank you for the memories J.W. Dundee. I am a better man because of you and I know, here in August, to not let Autumn go by unnoticed. It will be hard to not notice with Matt’s X-Entertainment.com Halloween countdown anyway. We are lucky to be living right here, right now.

I am going to leave you with that. A pepper that can ward off evil spirits. Do you think I am drunk yet?

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Here is a look at the upcoming Halloween Season

Today we went to an old haunt to get a sneak peek at the up coming Halloween season at “Fat Man’s” gift and holiday store. I know it is way too early to get wrapped up in Halloween madness but I have been here in late August only to find remnants of what was cool and all that is shit left over. So I went to Fat Man’s with the attitude to just document and ward off any autumn yearning because I know myself. The fall bug will bite and before I know it, everything Halloween will be burnt out by October 12th. I hate myself for that. So putting all emotions aside, we entered in to find that , yes it is true. The Halloween season is just around the corner because every available worker was busy with a half unpacked box beside their feet and an inventory sheet in hand. Feeling like a spy, I walked through the aisle whistling with camera phone in hand. There was an overwhelming feeling that I was unwelcome to take pictures, I can’t imagine why, so I snuck in a few when no one was around. I guess it it looked weird to see a guy in a KISS shirt walking around fake flowers and Department 56 stuff. Hrm…

I can see why grandmas shit when they walk into a store like this. Anything you find at grandma’s house can be found here. At every turn there was a wreath for any occasion, fake flowers of every genre, bears with aprons, and so much paisley with pastels, it looked as if a clown blew up all over the store. But I didn’t come here for cards with dogs in hats or rabbits feet, I came for what was upstairs; Uncle Fat’s Halloween attic.

Up the stairs and to the right, you could smell the undeniable rubber smell that could only be the commercialization of the day of the dead, Halloween. Enter the world of latex and glue; Fat’s Attic. I’ll be honest with you, it was tough to not feel a tinge of excitement, but I could all ways remind myself that it was still at melting point outside. It is true that memory is linked to smell because once that smell of latex hits you, you are back to being 12, sweating in a mask. I love Halloween. It’s more of a season than a day but it’s times like this that bring back the feeling of a sack full of Dum-Dums and mini-Snikers hitting my leg as I cut through the yard, trick or treating, ignoring the polite use of driveways.

Just like I remember, aisles filled with masks, adult costumes, fake machetes, Kruger gloves, fake blood and over the top hats. It looks like Halloween will come again this year. Walking around, one can not help themselves to put on a hokey mask and browse the new line of plastic killing tools. It really makes you wonder what the Chinese sweat-shop worker thinks about us as he packages up 6,000 blood stained plastic kitchen knives. Oh those wacky Americans and their bizarre holidays.

Here are the serious masks. By serious I mean over $20. There some of the same ol’ same ol’ but this year I have noticed definite stand outs. With the ever increasing horror remakes you can be sure that kids of this generation will want to be Leatherface just as their parents were 20 years earlier. But the difference is in the almost scary realism in the latex masks. I was Leatherface many years ago and I swear I was mistaken for Bob Dole at least 100 times. This year there will be no mistaken identity for a five foot , meat stained apron wearing, plastic chainsaw toting Leatherface begging for Blowpops. Lucky punks.

I mean look at this! Teeth and all! I wish I kept my mask to compare but oh well. Back then I had a Mike Myers mask too and he was barely recognizable. There are no mistaking these guys. They are just aces.

It’s nice to see that now a days you have a choice to not only be a realistic Jason Vorhees but you can also be Jason from different Friday the 13th movies. I like the reassurance that you can go to a Halloween party, be one of many Jasons and kick someone straight in the balls for questioning you originality.

Me? I think this year I am going as Jason from Sunday the 15th; Jason in Church Dress. If you are unfamiliar, don’t worry. It suffered the same fate that many Disney sequels did and went straight to DVD. I Kid, I kid! I do like the hat.

I love browsing among rows of corpses and severed limbs, sneaking photos here and there. This is when I was caught by a lady who was out of view. We made eye contact and then quickly faked the camera noise as my ringer and pretended to answer the phone. Wouldn’t you know it, within seconds of my fake conversation I had a real call and the phone began to ring in my ear. So I did what anyone would do. I left in a hurry. To that lady, I was probably the most bizarre person she has seen yet. Then again she was the person stacking rubber rats on a shelf, so who is the bizarre person?

Well, shit. I did what I told myself I would not and got myself stoked for the Halloween season. I always do this. But what can you do? If you are ever Augusta Georgia you should stop in an see Fat Man’s for yourself. I covered about 10% of all the goodness they had to offer thanks to my cell phone debacle, so check them out. Hey, it’s cool in there.

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