I really have been ultra busy. It’s amazing how such a lull in life can precede such a tsunami of craziness. Let me try and catch you up on why I have neglected to both write and visit you. I really am sorry about that. 😐 So here are a few key points in my life as of late.
Almost kept a puppy! I was driving to the hospital a few weeks ago and this little guy ran out in front of me. I stopped, got out, fully expecting him to run away, and tied to see if I could read his tag. Instead of timid little guy he jumped straight into my arms. Of course he didn’t have a tag so I was forced to knock on all the neighboring houses looking for the possible owners. No luck so I put him in the car and took off to attend a course that I was already ten minutes late for.
Oddly enough he didn’t chew up or pee in the car. I spent an hour in the class nervously drumming my fingers, expecting the worse but when I came out he was propped up on the steering wheel, head cocked but tail wagging.
I really didn’t know what to do with him since finding the owners was a feat in and of itself. So, enlisted the help of friends and we did what anyone else would do. We kept him for the weekend and had a blast. He was a great dog. Almost like a stuffed animal that can move and poop.
Well, I contacted the local fire department where I found him since I have “connections” there and sure enough the chief knew the pup and the owners. It turns out the owners let him out for an hour each morning when the go to their horse field and clean the stalls. So, I pretty much kidnapped their dog for a weekend. I returned him to the fire chief anonymously and it was a little heartbreaking to hear him whine when I turned to get back in the car. I still have his chew toy on my floor board.
I came real close to buying the big box condo last Friday during a structure fire. Apparently, when I was on a single hose line a high voltage wire snapped from the heat of the fire and landed on the ground next to me causing a huge electrical arch that chard the ground around me, fried the hose and created a big blue light over top of me. I was oblivious to this until I heard screaming over my radio from the incident commander that I was on a live wire and to drop the hose. I did so and was stuck in one spot until the electric company could come out and turn off the electricity. Since then I have been a luck charm for the company and other stations. But I still have the creeps since everyone including the electrician kept repeating that there is no reason that I should have survived that. So technically, I shouldn’t be here writing you.
The fire departments have been consolidating and that means my hours have been cut pretty dramatically. So, I have been forced to dust off the ol’ resume’ and now I find myself back in corporate America until they finish the rezoning of the fire agencies. It’s cool I guess. I work as a consultant for a company that streamlines large businesses as far as their digital postage, copy, office supply and equipment. The first day on the job everyone called me Jim Halpurt. Great.
So, this is what I see instead of fire trucks and catastrophic scenery. I still can’t believe I am a suit again but at least I can still work rescue part time. Actually, it’s everything I can do not to stab myself in the leg with a pen. Shit, I’m lucky to have a job though. Listen to me! I’m bitching about having a job and take little regard for the fact I was almost a post-toasty last week. I’m sorry.
Last week it was 68 and beautiful. For the first time I was able to leave the confines of the shack that had been buried in snow to cruise the logging trails on a warm afternoon run. It was glorious! I had not felt this good in months and to see the snow gone and the lake completely free of ice made me want to…to…do everything! I wanted swim, no, run a marathon or ride bikes or play guitar by a campfire. Shit, there isn’t enough time. And there wasn’t. Today I got up and looked out my window to see this. Shit I did.
In defiance, I went running anyway. In shorts and a t-shirt none the less. I know it looks pretty but it’s almost May and I need this crap to go. Please mother nature. Take pity on this boy from the south east. He knows not what he’s done.
So, that is pretty much March and April. I trust Easter went well for everyone? I had a pretty good one. The highlight was watching my friend’s dog, Ruger, and his habitual face press against the sliding glass door. I love dogs.
Holy shit this is a great movie! Sure the more sophisticated summer movie connoisseur would pick Caddy Shack if given the choice of Bill Murray movies but there is something about camp that gets me in the summer mood. It kind of sucks that I am too old even to be a counselor but it brings back so many great memories. Memories like late night practical jokes on other cabins, the nervous tension of being forced to spend a week bunking with kids you don’t know, the sadness of the last campfire, and how we all thought the counselors were so cool and the subject of camp rumors and gossip. I still remember thinking that a blow job was something done to an ear. I want that innocence back.
Rumor has it this kid was in mid-stream when this picture was taken. That’s a lie, but it kind of looks that way, huh? Anyway, I grew up in a neighborhood that didn’t have a community pool so we were forced to jump through the sprinklers or breakout what my Dad called the “yard killer”; the kiddie pool. I remember these plastic pools from K-Mart to be as much fun as they look above. Even for an only child who had an imagination that could keep him entertained for an eternity during Catholic mass, this pool, with floating pine needles and drowned yellow jackets, really sucked. Especially when you have a friend over and the suck is multiplied by two. Ugh! I can still smell the hose water and see the pool toys that were just fancy McDonald Happy Meal boxes in the shape of boats.
The next step up is being invited to the friend’s neighborhood pool. That’s an exciting summer day.
Wow…sharks and minos, underwater tea parties, chicken, handstands, cannonballs, jackknives, and of course my famous 1/3 flip off the diving board. That’s always good for a laugh. I also remember the packed lunch and how Hi-C, peanut butter sandwiches, Doritos and Sunkist Fun Fruits never tasted so good. I tried it the other day and it just isn’t the same without chlorine and uncontrollable shivering.
First off, it’s a place I generally drink beer and read. Those are the two things I didn’t do when I was a kid. Also I rarely go into the water because it is usually occupied by 12 year olds and that age group really pisses me off in recreational environments. It’s just a great time to catch up with a good book, drink a dozen beers and sweat them out while working on a one-sided tan because I hate laying on my stomach. I can never get comfortable. Are you suppose to stick your face between the chair straps?
Anything that comes in one of these is great. If it is served by this guy it will be a minor explosion of amazing.
Pasta salad is the must at all outdoor activities that includes food. If I am present at a picnic and the is no pasta salad expect me to remove the picnic blanket and use it as a cape as I run around and step on the rest of the food. Expect it.
Couple of dogs and a beer. It’s hard to imagine lips, assholes and yeast to be a summer must but it is. Especially at a weekday 1pm Cubbies game when you skip work to go. “Heyyy batta batta, sawingg batta!! He can’t hit he Can’t hit he can’t hit…”
Quarter sliced watermelon that is wrapped in Reynold’s Wrap. Don’t know why but this is summer to me. But every time I eat watermelon I get a dull pain in my tongue from a watermelon eating race gone bad back in 1985. I remember I bit my tongue and lost the race. As I sat there in failure, holding ice wrapped in a paper towel on my tongue, I was awarded a “nice try” gift. It was bubbles. Insult!
Do I really need to expand on this one? It’s part of the reason the Earth tilts on it’s axis, you know. But remember, if you see Megadeth this summer, leave the laser pointer at home. See below. I’m pretty sure the guy in the audience is no longer with us.
Created by a very funny guy over at Revelation XIII, the character Baron Mind, played and written by Mike Revenaugh and filmed/edited by
My whole life I have moved at least every few years but this house you see above has remained a constant when I was growing up. I was here as an infant, every Christmas was spent here, more Nerf boomerangs have been eaten by the roof and more light saber battles have been waged in this backyard than Lucas could ever imagine. It’s hard to believe that there are over 30 years of personal memories here.
To get in the house we will go around back to the covered porch. The only people who come through the front door are deliveries and company. You’re with me so we will go this way. See that cooler over there? It’s always full of beer. There is nothing better than sitting on the porch with the space heater blaring, drinking Yeungling and reading my Grandmothers Parade magazine. I’m not joking. Just looking at this picture I smell the stale cigarette smoke and electric heating coils. *sniffffff……ahhhhhhhh*
From the back porch we get to the kitchen. This is where my love for instant coffee was forged. But this picture is bitter sweet because as I look at the chairs my mind drifts to the days when I was forced to finish my cooked carrots, no matter how long it took. You see, my grandparents grew up during the depression and not finishing your food was as insulting as telling them the Pope is a bag of dicks. So I would sit there and endure a child’s equivalent to water boarding as I would choke down cooked carrots, dry heaving and tearing. I do, however, have a great memory of my Uncle Mark coming to my rescue and scarfing down my carrots when my Grandmother left the room, giving me a wink and a shush finger as he headed out for his night on the town. I love that guy.
Leaving the kitchen we come to the dining room. It’s funny, but this room elicits a little bit of anger from me and it comes from a silly pet peeve. I hate eating in a quiet place and listening to eating noises. This side of the family eats….well…like a G-damn horse. They never have the TV on so all yo hear is crunching, smacking and nose-whistling. I always show up to the table with two forks; one to eat with and one to stab into my leg out of anger.
The living room! This is where we gather to watch TV and I swear, the local news is on at least half the time. To this day, coming home to Grandma’s is not official until I hear the channel 6 theme song, 
My Grandfather passed away a few years ago. Every time I am alone in this house I tend to stare at the old pictures and remember him. He really was the product of the greatest generation. He served in the Navy in WW2, came home, started right to work at GE making rotatory rocket engines for ICBMs, got married and had kids. I constantly think about his work ethic. Every year he worked like a dog to provide for the family and only had the one week vacation at the shore to look forward to. He never complained though and he never quit to find greener pastures. He was tough, selfless and had a heart the size of Gibraltar. But cancer came and took him from us in 2003. God I do miss him.
We are now upstairs. You are looking at the only bathroom in the house. If you look closely at the frame on the right you will notice that it has a slight curve to it. When the weather changes the wood swells and this leads to the door sticking. I can not take a shower without locking the door so that means the door has to be flush with the frame. So, I spend 15 to 20 minutes in the bathroom and 30 minutes prying the door open. Two years ago I pulled the knob straight off.
We are going to skip the other two rooms up here and go right to Uncle Mark’s room. This is where I usually sleep when I visit. Notice the folded cot on the right? Yeah, sleeping in here is a challenge to say the least. I try to beat Uncle Mark to bed because if he falls asleep first, it’s like sleeping in the trombone section of an orchestra. There is nothing worse, besides eating sounds, than trying to fall asleep over super sonic snoring and four-note sleep farts. Try to find your happy place during that!
GAAAA! Don’t forget who sleeps in the next room.
Now we are in the basement and this is the best room in the house. My Uncle Mark has occupied the basement ever since I could form memories. This was the place where I spent most of my time and I know that was a little selfish because I should have spent more time hanging out with my elderly great aunts and eating their blue mints. But seriously though, how could a kid resist cable TV, a bag full of candy next to the recliner, a computer with Duke Nuke ‘Em, and every cool gadget known to man. I mean, I didn’t grow up with cable so HBO and old school Nickelodeon was something you had to take advantage of. I swear I saw the movie The Explores and the show 
The hat collection. This is actually willed to me. I’d like to say I can’t wait but that means somebody has to die. I’ll wait for the hat collect.
Here we are! The vacation fund and it’s full….of dimes…..and there is a lock on it. 
Uncle Mark’s ex-girlfriend was a graphic artist an she designed screen savers. This is one of them. I really hope this was the reason he dumped her because, WTF?!?!
I’ll post my failed pick tomorrow.
I have officially declared snow and ice to be the worst part of Mother Nature. Snow rhymes with blow and ice rhymes with shitty-fuckfuck.
The man, the legend. Bernie Mac is definition of cool for me. God, I still can’t believe he is not here with us. But I have faith I will be able to shake his hand someday. And you know what? This is one dude I don’t mind hogging the Holy Jukebox.
I know I am not alone on this one. Who wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with George Carlin? Who? I bet it would be a one sided conversation because I wouldn’t even know where to begin. He seemed like the type that could carry on without much of topic. I doubt he would get old but I could see myself wondering, “I wonder if Gallagher is dead?”
Casserole of Disaster 
