Category: funny

Movies That Don’t Hold Their Tunes

You know what? I have not done a post like this in some time. I guess I forgot my roots or maybe it’s the fact that Matt from X-E hasn’t updated his site very much. Or at all. I will save that heartache for another day. But for now, someone has to pick up the flag and charge it ahead screaming, “I want people to read my opinions over shit that makes no difference!”. So today as I sit in my office, taking an earned brake from the stresses that stress others but not me, I will write about….movie themes that are scarier than the movie.

  1. “Laurie’s Theme” from the movie Halloween:

I love this theme in the movie Halloween. It had a way of creeping you out in sense that even though it was day, there was a sense of impending doom after nightfall. Well, that’s how I felt when I saw it on Channel 46, mid-October, one Saturday afternoon many years ago. Since then this little piano tune that John Carpenter created has brought many memories of hayride smells, cider, pumpkins and latex masks. The entire mood of autumn is in these few notes. That and the intro to The Great Pumpkin.

2. The Shining

I think I am in the majority that claims the movie The Shining was not as terrifying in the way it has been portrayed. You can ask almost anyone that hates horror movies and they will tell you The Shining is the exception. And it’s the exception because it is smart and tolerable to many cinematric-snobbies. (made both those words up)

The musical score, however, is bone chilling. Perhaps it is the foreboding, heavy brass that paints this picture that a small nuclear family is going face to face with a giant in the form of isolation, impassable roads, unlivable temperatures and a hotel with dark secrets. Or maybe it’s just the damn creepy wailing between the brakes in music. Regardless, it is hard to listen to alone at night and as far as I am concerned, way creepier than the film itself.

3. JAWS

Ok, I have an artistic license to contradict myself here and say that in this case, the music is not a scary as the movie was. But still, I think John Williams deserves an honorable mention for trying because no matter where I am; pool, lake, ocean, tub, sprinkler; this score is playing in my head.This has always been a theme for something or someone that is inevitably about to be devoured. Whether it is shark vs. man, lion vs. zebra, or me vs. broccoli, I owe John Williams kudos for giving predators the ultimate theme song.

And it’s PG?!?!?! We were a lot tougher back in the day, huh?

4. Amittyville Horror

The more I watch this movie the more I realize that this could have been made to be far more frightening. They tried to remake it a few years ago but I won’t even try to trash it because it’s not worth the efforts of my fingers. That being said I will give a standing ovation supported by a golf clap for the theme music. Very disturbing and like the theme to Steven Spielberg’s (Tobe Hooper, really) Poltergeist, kids singing “laa laa laa” is always unnerving. Especially when you have an overactive imagination like mine and you assume those are dead kids singing from your backyard at night.

By the way, the sequel is way more scary. It has possession, Catholic guilt, evil, incest, family violence and murder all wrapped into one hour and forty five minutes. Hooray for boobies. I don’t know…

Well, this was short and sweet but I felt that I needed to get something up and keep it in theme to what I love: all nonsense. And how annoying is it that YouTube redirects you to YouTube when you want to watch a video? Why can’t everything be how I want it?

Oh! And now I am in Moscow. Moscow, Idaho that is. Look it up because it might be the source for more “ripping on Idaho” posts. So far I like it a hell of a lot more that where I was but the other night I was almost accosted by interpretive dancers. No shit.

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Comments That Rock

I love it when people share their opinions or memories on this blog. It has always been a special part for me and when strangers from around the world reach out and say “hey, I remember that and this is what it meant to me”, I get pretty jazzed. But every so often there is one comment that takes the cake. Enter Jessica.

On the post “Peeing Your Pants Is The Coolest” , I wrote the trials and tribulation about growing up as a dork. Especially when social gatherings involved roller skating. Jessica needed to express here love for a certain roller-rink that brought her joy and me…terror.

florida08-andrew-skates

Jessica- “i am thirteen and i just wanted to say i love sparkles roller rink, and it shares a whole lot of fun and spirit!!! plus, i just broke my arm a sparkles for being a daredevil,(don’t try this ever!!! ) I skated on one foot for 6 seconds, but sparkles staff helped me!!! gosh they are so generous!!!! i have been going to sparkles forever since i was 2 weeks old!!! ya gotta love sparkles!!! i will be going to sparkles a whole lot now, so look for me i’ll say hey, just dont stalk me. love you guys!!!
p.s. my cast is purple!!! lol”

Thanks Jessica. That was pure awesomeness and please come back and share more with us. But I don’t think you will see me at a Sparkles. Not unless the polarities of the Earth shift causing opposite day to take place. In that case, keep your eye out for a guy in a blue jumper and a bicycle helmet.

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Today Veggie Turns Two

It’s true. This blog is now two and oddly enough this is the 200th post. Weird, huh?

I just wanted to thank everyone that has shared this with me. Some have come and gone and some have come and stayed but I will be honest, I never imagined that I would meet such amazing people on this www dot  journey. I am so blessed to be able to share my life and be able to share some of yours even though we may never meet. It’s weird wild world and this trip would be so less without all of you.

The funny thing is I misspelled “macabre” in the video. Of all things, you know? And I am not sure why Dire Straits is the anthem but it seems to fit the flow. Regardless, if you have been around over the past couple of years you may recognize many of these pictures.

Thank you again. I love ya from the bottom of the heart and I ain’t afraid to say it.

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Viva Las Vegas And Most Of The West

So, I am back. I probably lost the last couple years of my life but what does that matter? Those are the diaper years anyway. No, this trip was…let’s say…interesting. I’ll recap it for you but not too much. It is my luck the boss will Google Noah Hathaway and find this.

Well, on Saturday the boss came in and asked if I had anything going on this weekend. I should have taken Winston Zeddmore’s advice when he said, “if your boss comes in and asks if you have anything going on this weekend you say YES!”.  I didn’t. I said I had nothing going on and that’s why I am working on the weekend.

That’s how I got roped into driving, literally from Canada to Mexico and back with a hell-ish stay in Vegas in just three days. Here is a time line.

3:00- Left Spokane with the boss in a GMC Denali towing a trailer to pick up a car in Los Angeles.

8:00- Found out my boss won his auction on eBay for a jetski in Sacramento.

4:30am- Met the guy who was selling the Jetski at a McDonalds in Elk Grove and loaded it in under 30 minutes.

7:00- Stopped at a Flying J truckstop so the boss could shower. I brushed my teeth and applied deodorant.

12:30pm- Arrived in LA and met the guy who was selling the car and loaded it on the trailer with the jetski. When I saw it there was definitely a “WTF” moment.It was a shell of a crap car.

2:00- Finally left LA and headed east to Las Vegas. Still no sleep.

6:00- Arrived in Las Vegas and checked into the Casino/hotel.

6:05- Agreed that we would eat dinner, have a couple of beers and maybe play a quick game of black jack and call it a night.

6:45- Boss has two drinks in him and decides that Vegas needs to be blown out and proceeds to drink heavy.

8:00- I am in search of the ultimate Chinese food and the boss is with two girls and telling them about his two cabins and many cars.

11:ish- Get a frantic call from the boss telling me to come to the lobby.

11:ish- Get to the lobby and found him sitting between two security bike cops. Got arrested for having sex in the parkinglot. Gives me his wallet and I bail him out.

2:20- Made bail and I went back to the room.

3:00-7:00- Boss went back to the casino. He won $10,000 in less than two hours, took a prostitute back to the room and had sex with her while I was asleep.

8:00-11:30- Just hung around the hotel until the boss woke up.

11:45- Boss realized the prostitute stole $5,000 while we were asleep.

11:45 and 10 seconds later- I excused myself and ran outside to laugh my ass off.

12:30-1:30- Waited in the car for the boss to buy a new iPhone because she took that too. He thinks…

2:00- On the road and I drove the whole way back while he slept.

2:00am- Swear I saw a unicorn and Orville Redenbacher.

10:00am- Pulled into the office parking lot. I passed out on my desk and miracled my way home to bed.

That’s exactly how it went. Pretty epic but I am grateful to see some beautiful country. Just wish the company was better.

This past weekend I ran a 30k X-Terra relay in Walla Walla, Washington in 100 degree heat. Still not back to normal from that one. More on that later.

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Ode To The Elementary School Art Ashtray

This post may be a little dated to some readers but to many of us we have fond memories of the lovely clay art projects in elementary school circa 1980. It was a different time and what flew then would sure to crash hard today. I kind of miss that naivate’. Simple.

Around the beginning of December the art teacher’s project for the kids was always geared toward Christmas presents for the folks. I am not sure if they do that now with the whole “Christmas is offensive” campaign that seems to exponentially increase each year. But back in my day, parents always knew their tax dollars would yield intelligent kids and some sort of ornament each Christmas. The real bonus would be a clay thing. I say clay thing because many parents got just that; a thing.

Ball Art Room

I remember these projects would always give me delusions of grandeur and at the end of it I would be the envy of every kid as I brought home the most beautiful clay thing my parents had ever seen. Of course being a no talent ass clown grounded me within the first few minutes of art class. Clay was not the medium for me.

modelingclay-main_FullI really can’t remember how long this project lasted but I believe it was a couple of weeks. Each day we would retrieve our work in progress that was wrapped in cheese cloth from the fridge and start on destroying what we had done the previous day. There were not many guidelines for what the final product would be. If you had an artistic inkling then perhaps the folks would receive a pot for a plant or a nice plate with a hand print in it. If you were like me and struggled to form any sort of shape they got an ashtray.

pottery1It was a cool time when a kid could express his or her love through artistic expression resulting in a carcinogenic ash receptacle. There is no way that shit would fly today. Under that dump-in-a-jar plan for zero tolerance I am sure a kid who made an ashtray would be suspended and child services would be called ensuring a debate on Foxnews’ Kelley’s Court. (That woman sucks) No, kids don’t make them like they used to.

Well, the process would draw to a close soon enough. Once the shape was made it would bake. Then you painted it and glazed it and that usually sealed the deal for me. It wasn’t just shit but colored shit after that. But by that time I was just happy to be done with it. Of course the teacher had to grade it. No matter what I got the elementary equivalent of a B which was VG for “very good”.

img_1773Don’t be fooled, the picture above was not done by me. Actually this one is pretty fucking good. It is far less bumpy and minus the fingerprints. The only way to to tell the difference between my ashtray and petrified orangutan shit was the fact it had a convenient dent in the middle; perfect for putting out a cowboy killer.

On Christmas morning I would give them the ashtray with a little trepidation because even a little kid knows the difference between art and deification. But my parents always looked at it as if I gave them gold. Today I really look back at that and know how much they love me. They didn’t even smoke.

A few years ago I found my ashtray. It was in the table top Nativity set and baby Jesus was sleeping in it. I kid you not. But don’t tell him, he doesn’t need to know it’s an ashtray.

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