Viva Las Vegas And Most Of The West

So, I am back. I probably lost the last couple years of my life but what does that matter? Those are the diaper years anyway. No, this trip was…let’s say…interesting. I’ll recap it for you but not too much. It is my luck the boss will Google Noah Hathaway and find this.

Well, on Saturday the boss came in and asked if I had anything going on this weekend. I should have taken Winston Zeddmore’s advice when he said, “if your boss comes in and asks if you have anything going on this weekend you say YES!”.  I didn’t. I said I had nothing going on and that’s why I am working on the weekend.

That’s how I got roped into driving, literally from Canada to Mexico and back with a hell-ish stay in Vegas in just three days. Here is a time line.

3:00- Left Spokane with the boss in a GMC Denali towing a trailer to pick up a car in Los Angeles.

8:00- Found out my boss won his auction on eBay for a jetski in Sacramento.

4:30am- Met the guy who was selling the Jetski at a McDonalds in Elk Grove and loaded it in under 30 minutes.

7:00- Stopped at a Flying J truckstop so the boss could shower. I brushed my teeth and applied deodorant.

12:30pm- Arrived in LA and met the guy who was selling the car and loaded it on the trailer with the jetski. When I saw it there was definitely a “WTF” moment.It was a shell of a crap car.

2:00- Finally left LA and headed east to Las Vegas. Still no sleep.

6:00- Arrived in Las Vegas and checked into the Casino/hotel.

6:05- Agreed that we would eat dinner, have a couple of beers and maybe play a quick game of black jack and call it a night.

6:45- Boss has two drinks in him and decides that Vegas needs to be blown out and proceeds to drink heavy.

8:00- I am in search of the ultimate Chinese food and the boss is with two girls and telling them about his two cabins and many cars.

11:ish- Get a frantic call from the boss telling me to come to the lobby.

11:ish- Get to the lobby and found him sitting between two security bike cops. Got arrested for having sex in the parkinglot. Gives me his wallet and I bail him out.

2:20- Made bail and I went back to the room.

3:00-7:00- Boss went back to the casino. He won $10,000 in less than two hours, took a prostitute back to the room and had sex with her while I was asleep.

8:00-11:30- Just hung around the hotel until the boss woke up.

11:45- Boss realized the prostitute stole $5,000 while we were asleep.

11:45 and 10 seconds later- I excused myself and ran outside to laugh my ass off.

12:30-1:30- Waited in the car for the boss to buy a new iPhone because she took that too. He thinks…

2:00- On the road and I drove the whole way back while he slept.

2:00am- Swear I saw a unicorn and Orville Redenbacher.

10:00am- Pulled into the office parking lot. I passed out on my desk and miracled my way home to bed.

That’s exactly how it went. Pretty epic but I am grateful to see some beautiful country. Just wish the company was better.

This past weekend I ran a 30k X-Terra relay in Walla Walla, Washington in 100 degree heat. Still not back to normal from that one. More on that later.

17 thoughts on “Viva Las Vegas And Most Of The West

Add yours

  1. OH. MY. GOD.

    That is one of the most epically hilarious things I’ve ever read in my life.

    Thank you. Thank you so fucking much!

    1. You’re welcome buddy.

      Oh! This is one of my current favorites and I thought of you for some reason. Kind of dark and cool. Just like your music lists. Interpol always sits well with me.

  2. You know, I didn’t find any good Chinese food. Sad panda.

    I think we should definitely combine forces for cards and screenplays. I have actually had someone buy my special olympic post for some book on blogging. Between the two of us I say the possibilities are endless. 😉

  3. Nice choice, there. Interpol can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. I got to see them open up for The Cure a few years ago and it was one of the best live shows I’ve ever seen. Speaking of which, here’s something that you might get a kick out of. It kind of makes me think of a certain mountain dwelling fire fighter who has an affinity for shirts with wolves on them and ironically hip t-shirts found at thrift stores…

  4. Wow you had a full weekend for sure! I am glad that if I ever get arrested during a trip with you you can bail me out. If I make sure to give you my wallet first. I live so close to Walla Walla it’s not even funny 😦

  5. Yikes. This makes me tired and it also makes me think maybe my boss isn’t so bad. I’m glad you made back and relatively unharmed.

    ps: that unicorn was me

  6. This is hilarious! I’m sitting here a little dumbstruck, not sure what to say exactly. Well, except I’m so glad my road trip didn’t turn out like that.

  7. yah no kidding. WHAT THE FUCK?!

    Sounds like they made The Hangover out of this experience, and punched it up a touch.

    and… well. Hookers.
    That’s all.

  8. You are fabulous.
    I hope you get Danger-Money on top of your salary.

    and yes Kitty Mao (above) The Hangover II is in the works, based on this blogpost, and VeggieMacabre is spending the Option cheque on a big vegas weekend..

Speak to me, Egor.

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