At exactly 11:34pm on the 8th of March, 2010, I finally became totally self-aware. I believe it to be like a dog who figured out that his shock collar finally ran out of batteries and he is free to roam around and roll in anything he wants to. And it only took an incredible amount of pain, misunderstandings, drunken forgetfulness, white lies for fear of being labeled something totally opposite of what is and anger. None of this is me. I was never raised to be this. But with this new found awareness comes the responsibility to be more proactive than reactive.
To be more proactive than reactive has not reached complete consciousness with me but I know I have switched gears by my subconscious actions. It’s a feeling and one I am familiar with. Much like the same as when I stopped being panicked when shot at but slow and methodical with calm and a weird peace. I wish there was a word for it. Back then I used to say it was “divine stupidity; commonly mistaken as courage”. No, I think a real switching of gears happen without control and without objective knowledge. It just does.
So, with that being said, I am now going to tell you about my TA in the class Neuroscience: Clinical and Behavioral Study. He has a neurological tick that causes him to make high pitch chirps every few seconds. It is mostly like a mild case of Tourette’s. And I find it funny. Boy, I wish I didn’t. There has been so many times we would be studying his certain neuro disorder and he is in the back of the classroom trying to muffle his “YIP!” every few seconds. I do feel for the guy but irony is my kind of humor. I am now self-aware enough to know I am an incredible asshole.
So, I needed to get that off my chest. I always let you know what is on the noggin. Sometimes I feel the people who don’t know me at all, know me the best. Talk about irony! Waa ha ha ha!
The other day I was talking with someone and the conversation morphed into a “what’s your favorite/what’s your least” type of a discussion. And since then I have been thinking about what a strongly opinionated prick I am. Man, I have been going through my whole life thinking I am a laid back, anything goes, I don’t care kind of guy when really, I have very strong feelings about a lot of shit most wouldn’t even think about. Here are a few of my love-hates in life and I hope you don’t judge me too strongly.
Best Movie Period:
I am going to have to go with Jaws. It is just an all around great film. I actually think it is a perfect movie and if anyone wants to argue, I will challenge them to duel with paintball guns filled with Gobstoppers. It had an amazing cast, a realistic setting, a priceless musical score and above all else, a great white shark that taps into our most primal fear; being eaten alive. A good movie will stay with you for life. And that’s why I still believe I am going to be eaten in a swimming pool by a shark.
Worst Movie:
Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows is the worst piece of shit movie ever, hands down. I can’t state that any harder. I would rather watch a marathon of Gerard Butler films for a week straight than to ever see this piece of bat crap again. It was so bad I actually can’t tell you anything about it. Can you believe my brain deleted it from my head because it sucked that hard? I know I watched it because I remember being pissed but as far as the characters, plot and setting? I got nothing. I do remember later that night going home and watching something with Sinbad in it and thinking it was really good. Blair Witch 2 destroyed any standards I had.
Best Food:
If you think I am a person of fancy discerning taste, this is going to wreck your opinion. I grew up in Marietta, Georgia and our Friday night restaurant was always the local Mexican joint called El Toro. I am sure you can find the exact restaurant anywhere across the country but for me, nothing beats El Toro. And it’s funny because I always got the #10 (two tacos rice and beans) so I am not sure if anything else would that be good. Actually, I don’t even know if I like Mexican food because I always get the same. Hmm.
Worst Food:
Every restaurant in Eastern Europe. There is nothing like eating uncooked pork, dried salted anchovies and pizza made with ketchup and corn. I drank my way across those countries.
Best Song:
When it comes to music I change on a constant basis. One week I am in the AC/DC mode and the next I am all about The Smiths. You never know. Shit, I never know! So for right now, I will say “Cutter” by Echo and the Bunnymen.
Worst Song:
God, there are so many. I guess if I had to pick one that makes me want to hit my face I would go with Michael McDonald’s “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. I hate that song, him, his mustache and every keyboard that he touches. If I was an ultimate fighter, this would be my introduction song because it turns me into an angry chimp that freaks out on the owners friend and eats her face. Too soon?
Best Video Game:
I am not really into “gaming” and I don’t even own a console so I have to judge on past memories that go back to the time of Mario and Duck Hunt. I think my favorite would have to be Super Mario Brother 2. And I can’t really tell you why. I guess it was just my age that I associate it with. Life was pretty simple in the 6th grade.
Worst Video Game:
Absolutely Top Gun. No question. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t wanted to kill something over that game. I really believe I would have a better chance of survival flying a real F-14. Just watch this guy. Genius.
Best Childhood Toy:
I can’t really narrow it down without the feeling that I am betraying other great toys that fill my childhood memories. But if you are putting a gun to my head I guess it would be the infamous Millenium Falcon. It was like a dollhouse for boys. Funny thing though, every time I hear the theme song to the Andy Griffith show I think about that toy. Don’t ask me why.
Worst Toy:
I got this piece of shit from my great aunt who had dementia. I was eight.
Best TV Show:
This is a tough one because what was popular in 1989 is like watching cartoons by today’s standard. Gone are the days of moral lessons. But I will stand by my pick and say ALF. I never said my ‘bests’ were everyone else’s. That show still cracks me up and it will always make me comfortable. It’s like popping in the dvd and receiving a visual snuggie.
Worst TV Show:
I hate Nip Tuck. It is so silly to me. It is as if the writers try to out do the last show and it is just ridiculous. The shocking scenes are just not shocking. And to top it off, Mario Lopez is in it. That’s like giving it the seal of shit.
Best Drink:
I can’t handle hard liquor. I just don’t enjoy it. So now, I will say my favorite beverage is 7Up. Look out! It’s a party with this guy!
Worst Drink:
I hate tequila. It really does me no good and the mere thought of drinking it makes me heave. Last year we bought jello shots at this bar. Now in my mind, these are always made with vodka. Always. Nope, these were made with tequila and I promptly puked on my shirt. Never had a boomerang shot like that.
Boy, these posts are really stretching. I need to have a more exciting life.
I don’t think that means anything but it’s my new “boy wonder” exclamation. I say it when you will least expect it so stay on your toes. So today I am going to give you a “catch up shot” or ‘ketchup shot” if you prefer. You’re gross.
Changing the VM header so I have been playing with images and old photos when Wicket and I locked eyes. My God, he has dead eyes. No soul. I still believe that Ewoks must have smelled like 20 year old moldy shag carpet. Those matted hairy butt bears.
The VSA went out on my Element the other day. My friend was with me when the warning light came on and I asked her what she thought it meant. She said it was my car telling me to “fix the Vehicle Shit, Asshole”. To which I left her at the bus stop.
Went to see Megadeth on Monday. Amazing. Probably one of the better shows that I have seen in the past few years and I really went all out. I moshed, spit beer, think I broke my jaw, sang every song, got a nod from Dave Mustaine as I crowd surfed in my work clothes. But I was upstaged by a guy crowd surfing in a wheelchair. What a dick.
It has been so mild this winter I can not believe it. It has actually snowed more in Atlanta than it has here in the Northwest. Not that I am complaining but it is such my luck that I move on a mountain the year Idaho has the worst winter and to a low altitude plain during it’s mildest. Karma! Fuck you! Wait. I take that back. Nice karma.
I have been consistent in my weight lifting over the past couple of months and I have almost regained everything I lost this past year. That scares me because lifting 250 this quickly means an injury is just around the corner. But I am too obsessive to stop. Maybe when I can flex out of a shirt I will stop.
Last night I made pork chops and cataclysmic colossus of clout. Told ya to stay on your toes! Just when you least expect it.
I can’t stay silent anymore. I will never again sit back and act passive when someone wants to watch The Kardashians, Brothers And Sisters, that show after Entertainment Tonight and any other show in that category. They are so stupid and idiotic. That’s right I said it. I know why people hate Americans and it is because we watch insane shit like this. Who can actually be taken seriously when you decide to give up an hour, a minute, a second that you can never have back again watching spoiled and shallow people have life altering problems like throwing a party and not finding the DJ they want or talking gossip about people they don’t even know. F that.
Broke my second iPhone right after I spent $40 on a “protective” case. You are welcome Steve Jobs.
I am beginning to think that honesty is over rated. I was in a neuroscience class today and my professor has been on a workout kick involving only jumproping. He came in class today and said that he has been sluggish from being under the weather and hasn’t been jumproping. He claimed that jumproping with diarrhea was not the best idea he has had. Wouldn’t you know it, I was the only one to laugh. What am I, five? To make it worse, he asked if I was okay. I told him not really.
I have a park across the street from my apartment and occasionally I will take a stroll or walk to the university the long way just to enjoy it. Last week there was a tennis ball left by one of the random dogs that play there. Without thinking, I picked it up and aimlessly threw it without looking…right at two joggers that were jogging towards me. It was more than just awkward. Actually, I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I am the worst person.
Saw Phantasm for the first time. I loved everything about it. Kind of wish I had someone who enjoys campy horror as much as I do to have seen it with.
Going to Vegas, San Diego and LA for business and I am happy about that. Hopefully it will be filled with cool people and fun times but I have a feeling it will be filled with meetings and takeout. Wish I had an R2D2 unit to give my sales spew in hologram form. ‘Buy from us, Teledyne, Inc. You are our only hope.”
I have been such a bad blogger I ought to be dragged out in the streets and floggered. Was that a stretch? Well, if it was, all I can say is that you are right. And to get back in the real swing of 2010, I need all the help I can get. So here we go! This is one of my many posts of what I know to be true.
I watch violence on TV with much trepidation. When did this happen? I keep asking myself questions like “what is that poor guys mother going to do?”. I need to not take things so seriously.
I don’t believe in the moon. I just think it is the back of the sun. (scrubs) I agree.
I Tweet. Fuck. I Tweet. Three verbs and one is expressive. Take your pick.
At almost 32, I still believe there is a chance that God can turn off the gravity at any minute. I hang out near trees.
My iPhone sucks. I’m always connected to everything. Remember when life was simple and no one knew what anyone else was doing?
I think I am in love with the Nurse Ratchet’s assistant from One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest.
I have a cat. A cute one actually. But I travel a lot and I think getting a buddy for her would be fair. I have images of her meowing at the wall for hours out of boredom. Sometimes I leave the Animal Planet on just because I think she watches it. So I have decide to buy another kitten. Now I will be the guy who has two cats. shit.
Sandwiches make me way too happy. I mean really, way too happy. Did a dance the other day that I call the “Turkey Pastrami Slide”. I kind of wish it was in private though.
This commercial makes me want to scream at an elderly man. I hate eating sounds in food commercials. It’s like a Hulk reaction. I will split a shirt and steal a tricycle from a 3 year old when I see this. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
10. I get so excited for Christmas but when it gets here, I hate it. This year, Christmas will be prepped way ahead of time. No more last-minute travel or last-minute gifts. To be honest, my Amex and Visa card took a few thousand dollars worth of hits that should have been better thought out. And Delta? Fuck you too!
11. I tried it again. I am not a gin man. Actually, hard alcohol as a whole I think will end starting today. It just doesn’t do it.
12. I listen to The Cure and think of KB. I listen to… actually that is my next post.
13. I prefer the old Devil in The Simpsons to the Flander’s Devil in the newer ones.
14. I have Netfilx steaming to my TV and I gave the series Weeds a chance. It failed miserably. So miserably it made me finally realize that Kevin Nealon is an ass-hat of staggering scale and should have hard fruits thrown at him in all public venues. I envision a pineapple.
15. I had a meeting with the owner of a restaurant chain called Taco Time for work last week. I told him his chain made me laugh when I first heard the name. He, however, did not find my humor funny.
16. I want the sax to come back. The Night Court theme makes me pretty overjoyed.
17. Don’t Google Image search your own name.
18. Have you ever heard of the 80’s toy call “Beeoples”? Just curious.
19. I had a dream that I was shoplifting old Halloween candy from a dollar store and was caught. For some reason, this is really bothering me.
20. I think I will smile like this for everything. No matter how small.
I admit it. When I was a kid I had bears. Not many but I had a few and even though I pride myself on being a “Tom Sawyer” type of kid who built tree houses, played “guns” in the woods and pledge allegiance to GI Joe and the defenders of freedom, I could not brave the night without a bear in the bed. Their non-blinking black eyes stood watch against C.H.U.D., Freddy and Jason who I knew lived across the hall in the guest bedroom. A skinny boy can rest easy knowing that furry warriors will stay up all night. You know they sleep when I was at school.
There was particular bear, however, that made question the comforts of the snuggly softness and cute demeanor. That was Axlon’s AG Bear; the bear who talked to you in robotic bear talk. If you know what I am talking about, consider yourself the minority because I have met no one who has a clue what I am talking about.
AG (Almost Grown) Bear is the brain child from the makers of Atari and the animatronics geniuses that made Chuck E. Cheese shows come to life. You would think that no matter what, this would be a hit with any kid. But no, kids were smarter than that. They new “WTF” when they saw it. Check it out below!
The only way I can describe AG Bear is by taking Anthony Daniels, putting him back into C3PO’s suit, bashing him in the head to the point of brain damage, cupping his robot mouth and making him repeat the ABC’s. Then we might be able to recreate AG’s voice.
The technology behind AG is a three-second delayed recording and playback so when you say something, AG merely repeats what you say but in a bear voice. It sounds cute in theory but in reality, it sounds as if Aunt Beatrix’s tracheotomy mic is low on batteries. Also, when you sleep and role over, expect to get a “WRAA RAA RA WAAA” so a kid has to sleep in the position of attention.
Here is an actual conversation from my first week back to school after the Winter break. AG bear was a new toy and I relied on him as an interactive friend. That’s what it said on the box!
ME– Hey AG!
AG– MRAA RA RA
ME– How are you today?
AG– WRA RA ROO RORAY?
ME– Ha! Ha! Glad to hear it.
AG- RA! RA! WROA OO RWAA AR
ME– I had a rough day, AG.
AG- WA RA WROUW RA
ME– Well, it all started when this kid who is in the fifth grade said I had a funny fa-
AG– WRA, A RAA RARAOW WROO ARROOO RA WRAAA ROO WROOAAAR WROA RAA
ME– Excuse me AG, I was in the middle of te-
AG– RAROOO RA RARA WO WRA ROOOROA RWRAOW
ME- WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU STUPI-
AG– WRAAA RAA RWWOOO RA WROOAR WRO RWAOAR ROO
ME– Not only are you rude but are you mocking me?
AG -RA RAAO ROOOROO RA ROAWR WRA ROO RARA?
ME– I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE TEETH WITH MY FRICK-
AG– WRA A ROAWRA AO ROOOROOO RWAOR WO WRA RAORW RAOA
Casserole of Disaster 