A Weird Christmas Toy Tribute


I admit it. When I was a kid I had bears. Not many but I had a few and even though I pride myself on being a “Tom Sawyer” type of kid who built tree houses, played “guns” in the woods and pledge allegiance to GI Joe and the defenders of freedom, I could not brave the night without a bear in the bed. Their non-blinking black eyes stood watch against C.H.U.D., Freddy and Jason who I knew lived across the hall in the guest bedroom. A skinny boy can rest easy knowing that furry warriors will stay up all night. You know they sleep when I was at school.

There was particular bear, however, that made question the comforts of the snuggly softness and cute demeanor. That was Axlon’s AG Bear; the bear who talked to you in robotic bear talk. If you know what I am talking about, consider yourself the minority because I have met no one who has a clue what I am talking about.

AG (Almost Grown) Bear is the brain child from the makers of Atari and the animatronics geniuses that made Chuck E. Cheese shows come to life. You would think that no matter what, this would be a hit with any kid. But no, kids were smarter than that. They new “WTF” when they saw it. Check it out below!

The only way I can describe AG Bear is by taking Anthony Daniels, putting him back into C3PO’s suit, bashing him in the head to the point of brain damage, cupping his robot mouth and making him repeat the ABC’s. Then we might be able to recreate AG’s voice.

The technology behind AG is a three-second delayed recording and playback so when you say something, AG merely repeats what you say but in a bear voice. It sounds cute in theory but in reality, it sounds as if Aunt Beatrix’s tracheotomy mic is low on batteries. Also, when you sleep and role over, expect to get a “WRAA RAA RA WAAA” so a kid has to sleep in the position of attention.

Here is an actual conversation from my first week back to school after the Winter break. AG bear was a new toy and I relied on him as an interactive friend. That’s what it said on the box!

ME– Hey AG!

AG– MRAA RA RA

ME– How are you today?

AG– WRA RA ROO RORAY?

ME– Ha! Ha! Glad to hear it.

AG- RA! RA! WROA OO RWAA AR

ME– I had a rough day, AG.

AG- WA RA WROUW RA

ME– Well, it all started when this kid who is in the fifth grade said I had a funny fa-

AG– WRA, A RAA RARAOW WROO ARROOO RA WRAAA ROO WROOAAAR WROA RAA

ME– Excuse me AG, I was in the middle of te-

AG– RAROOO RA RARA WO WRA ROOOROA RWRAOW

ME- WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU STUPI-

AG– WRAAA RAA RWWOOO RA WROOAR WRO RWAOAR ROO

ME– Not only are you rude but are you mocking me?

AG -RA RAAO ROOOROO RA ROAWR WRA ROO RARA?

ME– I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE TEETH WITH MY FRICK-

AG– WRA A ROAWRA AO ROOOROOO RWAOR WO WRA RAORW RAOA

ME– YOU’RE GOING TO DIE BEAR!

AG– MWROA RAHA!#$%**%!  rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrweeeeeeeeeee

ME– (out of breath and rocking) hmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmm

AT least I didn’t have a My Buddy.

9 thoughts on “A Weird Christmas Toy Tribute

  1. Ha!

    Hilarious post, Will. (Untill you got to the part about the “My Buddy”, which, I unfortunately did have…)

    Speaking of My Buddy, I just did a Google image searh for it (just to make sure that I did, in fact have one), and look what showed up-

    Like seriously, what the what??

  2. Never had one of those bears. Found them creepy when I first saw them on TV… Perhaps my early introduction to sci-fi meant that I was suspicious of its intentions and its vaguely threatening soul-less eyes…

    And way to try to sneak in the “Better Off Dead” header, by the way! Love that movie. Was talking just the other day about John Cusack’s early career and how he always played these guys who went overboard nutso to try to score the wrong woman when the right one was right under his nose… He usually wound up able to take his pick and chose the better gal in the end but, frankly, there isn’t a woman I know who didn’t fall hook, line and sinker for him in Say Anything because Lloyd Dobler went all-out for the socially awkward, super smart girl right out of the gate… Knew what he wanted, went for it. He had some mad despair technique when things weren’t going well, for sure, but he also knew when to swallow pride and step up… Sexy, hard to resist stuff I tell ya’.

    Not as sexy as an aardvark costume though.
    Nothing is quite as sexy as an aardvark costume.

  3. I have a friend that does videos with a couple of the bears in this line this is one of the videos

    I think bears are appropriate for boys. I don’t think that is sissy, it’s perfectly fine. So don’t worry about it. Cause I say for you not to 🙂

  4. I never had one of those bears. To be honest, never heard of them until right now. And from I saw in the commercial, they pretty muched sucked. Did the company really think kids would fall for that shit?

Speak to me, Egor.

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