How A Guy Makes A Christmas Sweater

It’s that time of year again! Time to roll out the holly, deck the halls, drink the eggnog and buy your dad English Leather. But this year I am adding a new tradition. I am going to make my own Christmas sweater and attend at least one holiday ugly sweater party. Lucky for me I was invited to one and I don’t have to crash a complete stranger’s shindig.

So now is the question of how does a guy go about making a Christmas sweater, anyway? Well, I need a sweater. That’s the first step.  TO VALUE VILLAGE!

img_0365There it is! The canvas for my Christmas expression! And it was only $6 so I can’t feel too bad if I butcher it with gaudy crap. It’s not like I went to the mall and picked up a Kashmir sweater. I just pray that no one died in it.

What you are about to see in the next few pictures was inspired by a lost bid on eBay and even as I write this I am still stewing over that loss. I take the most stupid shit personally sometimes. Anyway, I lost and now I am stealing the concept and doing it myself. I hope who ever bought that sweater online is happy they paid $210. Maybe it’ll give them a rash.

I am starting with the back of the sweater because the front is 3D. You know where I am going with this.

img_0377Yes. I went to Hancock Fabrics. Wanna fight about it? Ok, well I decided that on the back of the sweater I needed a reindeer’s ass. This was not on the said lost sweater. This is my invention. So you can see the antlers that I cut off a novelty headband and fabric to cut out the body from. I am the type of person that will always get the carpenter’s rule of thumb, “measure twice, cut once”, backwards. I just jumped in with a permanent marker and scissors and went to town.

img_0378img_0379Reindeer are males, right? It’s hard to imagine Donner and Blitzen as girls and if I am not mistaken, wasn’t Donner Rudolf’s father? Did I just make all that up? Oh well, he needs testicles so there will be no confusion. Christmas balls!

img_0383img_0385You can’t buy shit like this, folks! Seriously, where would you find this? Now for the front. This is where I have “borrowed” the idea from eBay. But that was sewn and I am gluing. I feel confident that the glue will hold because Billy May’s said it would. He has an outside voice.

img_0370Isn’t he cute? Well don’t get too attached because his head is coming off and I am gluing it to my sweater.

Oh, and there is Kootanee. We are best buddies now.

img_0372img_0373It’s kind of funny but Kootanee actually watches TV. About a second after I took the picture above a bear came on the television and Kootanee ran into the bathroom and it took me about a half an hour to get him to come out. Poor guy. I gave him the headless bodies.

img_0374Now that I safely decapped the snowmen it is now time for gluing. But first I had to measure the position they were to be in. This takes both precision and a degree of shamelessness. You’ll see why.

img_0380I have no shame. Who do I think I am? My Mom would be so disappointed in me. I apologize, I really do. Me and my naked feet.

img_0381As you can see I am going for the Madonna style with the carrot noses. They are not as big as I would like but they’ll do. Why should I complain, though? I have bigger issues like the fact am a 30 year old guy making a Christmas sweater.

img_0392img_0393I’m not going to lie to you, I am pretty proud of the way this turned out. Making crafts has never been my bag. I went on a date a long time ago to paint pottery and drink wine. It’s a quirky Atlanta thing. Anyway, I finished it, brought it home and it leaked. True, I didn’t make the bowl, but that was a sign that all things creative should not come from my kidneys. (points to forehead)

img_04031And it fits! That’s really all that matters anyway, right? Happy Holidays.

Found A Value In The Village

So, I have been gone for a while. So much has happened I don’t really no where to start. Actually, nothing exciting but between work, traveling and course study, there hasn’t been very much time for yacking on the blog. And I am sorry. BUT, I did manage to find some winning apparel that only you would appreciate. I found it at the Value Village.

img_0320A blog friend of mine made me aware of the infamous Value Village but I believed it only to be of myth. However, on a hunt to find the perfect tacky Christmas sweater for an upcoming party I drove by the sign and it really does exist! I made an illegal u-turn and only killed one person. It’s cool, she was old.

Value Village was everything I had imagined and more. Like any discount clothing stores, the presentation is not the important part. I find that the 3rd grade organization is both endearing and, well, easy for me. I hit my head a few years ago and ever since then I have been a fan of straight forward signage like “Pants” or “Shirts”. Don’t tell me name brands, just tell me what they are. Corn. Unicorn. Unicorn on the cob.

Unfortunately, I didn’t find a sweater worthy enough to rock the Christmas party. The tacky level must be at least a 10 out 10 on the “Nice sweater; Who shot the couch?” scale. But check out the loot I did find!

img_0323T-shirts! Oh I am a sucker for odd t-shirts and I found the mother load! Here is the first one. It’s a peanut. Like I have to explain…

img_0324Looking closer we see this particular peanut is from Spokane. I live about 25 miles from Spokane so I feel I should represent. Plus, the peanut has “nut” tattooed on both arms. If I ever get the balls to have a sleeve done, I will include “nut” somewhere in the mix.

img_03261I guess it’s pretty chick to exploit Jesus for comedic relief nowadays, and to me it gets pretty old. Even if you don’t have a religion, the guy wasn’t that bad. He cured people’s diseases, preached peace and tolerance and oh yeah, he was tortured to death for mankind’s salvation. The jokes on him fall a little short with me. UNLESS, it is done by the religious right themselves. Here we see Jesus Christ advertised like Coke. Really, this shirt makes no sense but it doesn’t have to. It’s Jesus.

img_0327-1I don’t know how I feel about wearing K. Kraut’s shirt but for $0.99, why not?

img_0325I don’t think you can find a shirt like this on purpose. You would probably have to go to a print shop and face the embarrassment of saying you want a shirt reading “it’s all good”. Luckily for me, there is Value Village.

I am a little nervous to wear this. My life is full of ironic events and I am pretty sure that if a die in a catostrophic way like a plane crash or explosion, it will be in a shirt like this. Moving on…

img_0330Holy Hell! A tribute to Dimebag Darrell, the late guitarist from Pantera! Who would ever part ways with such a shirt? Who ever they are, may they get a rash every time “Cowboys From Hell” is on the radio. Regardless, I own it and I am a little saddened that I already met Phil and Rex a few weeks ago and missed the opportunity to rub Darrell in their face. Kittymao knows what I am talking about.

img_0329I had to get this one. One of my best friends is named Vicki. There is no stronger gesture of affection that says you care like wearing your friends name around.

img_03311Yeah, I know it’s tacky but I appreciate the humor. I think I may wear this to work for, you know, the irony of it all. That’s a stretch.

img_0321Yes I bought a Garth Brooks shirt. And yes, I made small talk with the cashier and claimed that I own everyone of his albums. I even turned the bullshit nob up one notch by saying we went fishing ’93. I gave her some made up FYI stuff like he only drinks warm beer and smokes cloves. She was mesmerized.

img_0322It has a back too! The question is where would one wear this? I know I live in North Idaho and I could walk into a grocery and people would compliment me but I make statements. Perhaps I should wear this and no pants? It’s not like I am trying to make Garth Brooks fan friends. Look at this guy! Awkward…

Now here is my favorite shirt. It speaks volumes of what Idaho is to me.

img_0332Animal art shirt! I don’t think there are words to express my feeling when I found this. I think I blurted out a word that infused fuck, God, Oreo, dolphin, and bike. Regardless, I scared a lady in a wheelchair and she made a skid mark trying to clear the aisle. I love this shirt and tonight I wasted no time in donning it. Is it as cool as I think it is?

img_0335Oh yeah. That’s where it’s at.

Thanks For Thanksgiving

Things might get a little crazy between now and Thanksgiving so just in case I don’t get a chance to post then, I will post this now. This is what I am thankful for.

  • The state of Idaho. Because not many are thankful for it. It’s a handsome state when looked at from a map at least.
  • The movie The ‘Burbs. “I let go of the goddamn brownies…”
  • Finally being able (at 30) to grow a full beard.
  • img_0196Being comfortable with myself even though I look like a melvin. (Picture shown above.)
  • The men and women in uniform that keep this country safe and free.
  • Micro Brews with cool labels.
  • Empire Strikes Back. My first memory of the movies and we went the Thanksgiving weekend of 1982.
  • The Creepshow. That was the trailer before The Empire Strikes Back and to this day, I still am “creeped” out by that movie. God bless it.
  • REI
  • My place in the mountains. Especially my work desk view.
  • back-yardOh hell, I’ll just say it. Cheese.
  • The New York Times. It’s a Sunday must.
  • Kids with odd first names like “Lake” or “Apple” or “Valley”. It makes me feel better about my initials “WEW”.  Woooooo!
  • Home Improvement 1991-1994
  • XM/Sirus radio. The drive from GA to ID would have sucked real bad without that.
  • My job
  • X-Entertainment. No other place can one go to see their childhood archived.
  • My rock star shoes. They are on their last legs. So to speak.
  • img_0283Triscuits. Both reduced fat and Olive oil and Rosemary.
  • Maybe the one guy who can regain international trust, racial healing, national pride and all that is great with America will be the President. (don’t Fuck Up!)
  • The F-14 Tomcat. Even though it is retired.
  • Everyone on my blog role. I love sharing memories with them and I love how they share them with me. I imagine that we are all camping and exchanging tales of bike accidents and office blunders as we chortle our way to slumber. I have a very special place in my heart for each and every one on the Veggiemacabre blogroll.
  • All my ex girlfriends. I know that sounds odd but it is true. Each person has left an indelible print on who I am today. Even though most want me dead, they made me better. And for that I am thankful.
  • Little kids high on Juicy-Juice and cookies. (2:07…..it’s worth the wait. “ooooo!”) The little guy is breaking a sweat!
  • La Sportiva running shoes
  • My gift of gab
  • My parents. As the late, great actor John Candy’s character, Dell in Planes Trains and Automobiles said, “Love. That’s not a big enough word.”
  • Being in better shape at 30 than I was at 21. Or even 18. That is important to me.
  • Being able to put down the bottle and walk away. Always had a tough time with that. Especially last year.
  • Fitness Macabre is still in the works and the sponsors are letting me run with in after the 1st of the year. I don’t know if I am thankful for that yet but I’ll throw it up here.
  • The freedom to move around. Last year I thought 92 degrees was a cooler day and today I think 42 degrees is a warmer day. I love experiencing that broad shift of environments.
  • The Food Network. Especially Good Eats and 30 Minute Meals.
  • My close friends. The ones who put up with my snoring, know that when we eat out I may order in a foreign accent, will pontificate at random and tell long stories and often lose the point half way through. Thanks for taking it all in stride.
  • That my friend found the love of his life and married her. I wish I could have been there but this year I needed some serious “head’ time. I will always regret that.
  • Great White Sharks are making a comeback from being endangered.
  • And above all else, good health

So that is my 2008 list of thanks. I wish everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Try to reflect and let the people who mean the most know how important they are to you. You never know when you may get another chance. Think of those less fortunate and if you can, share. Try to keep an open mind and forgive those who you don’t get along with. At least for Thanksgiving. Letting go and loving is so much easier than holding on and hating.

So, thanks.

Seriously?

img_0245Why is it when you step in dog shit, you become aware of it after you have walked in the house? Really? Seriously?

Anyway, sorry I have been absent. This past week has been crazy to say the least. But, it has been an amazing one. So I am taking this weekend to post a couple of my archived blogs from months ago. For some reason I haven’t gotten around to finish them and tonight while I am snowed and fogged in, I will attempt to wrap them up. I bet you are excited.

Ok, lie to me at least.

Where Did You Go? Part 8…Halloween

It has been a while since I have done one of these. But since we are less than a week away from Halloween I figured this would be a good time to add a new one. This time it will be all about October 31st. You see, Halloween is all about the scary movies for me. I can take or leave the candy, costumes and parties but when it comes to normal cable TV dedicating 24 hours to ghosts, ghouls and vampires, I come very close to taking off my pants and doing the Twist. Don’t worry, I watch them alone most of the time. So let us start off with one of my favorites.

“Oh! You’re so cool, Brewster!” Yeah, Charley was quite the hero in Fright Night 1 and 2. Even though he was a little high strung and his choice in a girlfriend was a little questionable. But still, his vigilance as a nosy neighbor payed off and call girls are free of death by vampire. Fear of STD’s, rape, murder, kidnapping and incarceration maybe, but vampires…no. Thanks to the heroics of Charley!

Charley Brewster was played by the great William Ragsdale and unfortunately, after Fright Night his career as the main character in film never took off. Sure he was in The Reaping and Big Momma’s House but William’s main bread and butter is TV. He has been in a number of episodes from different television dramas like “Judging Amy”, “Without A Trace” and “Medium”. I’m still holding out for a Charley comeback in a Fright Night 3 but I maybe alone. Here he is today. Actually, he hasn’t aged too badly. Oh Brewster!

The next star spotlight is a great one. There are plenty of films that have obscure actors who get the opportunity to be involved in the most memorable scenes of the movie. In Steven Spielberg’s film, Poltergeist, about a young family that is tormented by ghosts after they inadvertently moved into a house above a cemetery, one of the paranormal investigators is targeted, bitten by something and he had a delusion about ripping off his own face. You know the scene. And that is why we all love Marty.

“You got bit?!?!? Wow!” I have always had a soft spot in my heart for poor Marty. But think about it. In the famous “face tearing” scene, Marty leaves the safety of the den to go, alone, into the kitchen. And what is he about to do? He is going to cook a steak. Really? In the middle of the night he was going to fry up a steak? Make a sandwich, man, I like to imagine the ghosts that were messing with him because they didn’t feel like smelling fried steak all night. Well, poor Marty got the message.

Marty Casella was played by, coincidentally enough, by Martin Casella. That is him to the right and it is kind of funny that I always assume actors with small parts are beginning artists. Not true about Martin. When Poltergeist was being cast, Spielberg himself recruited Martin Casella. At that particular time Martin was teaching drama at a Santa Monic high school so I would say he knew a thing or two about acting.

Since Poltergeist, Martin has only been in a few films like Robocop 2 and Turner And Hooch. He had small roles in each but that isn’t where he excelled. Martin is a celebrated screen and play write and has been in a number of Broadway shows. The one thing that I loved about Martin is that of all the films he has been in, his character has always been his own name. It’s good to have a quirk.

Little Known Fact: In the famous “face tearing” scene, Martin isn’t doing the tearing. Those are Spielberg’s hands. Funny, eh?

I would like to take a moment to thank Ronnie Scribner who played little vampire Glick boy in the made for TV series of 1979, Salem’s Lot. Because of the three minute scene where he floats to the window and bites his brother, I have missed many nights of sleep. Even today at age 30, when I hear a weird noise outside I immediatley think of his evil little smile. God.

Ronnie had quite a career as a child star from 1978 to ’82 but nothing after. It’s funny to read about his ABC morning specials. Do you remember those? They were the hour long shows that aired about 11pm after all the cartoons were over. I think the last time I saw one was when “The Land Of The Lost” was still on the air. Anyway, Ronnie stopped acting and I can only venture to guess that it was because he either grew out of his cuteness or his parents didn’t want him to have a Hollywood life. Regardless, he now lives in Pasadena with a wife and kids. He is a mortgage broker. A mortgage broker that is still in my nightmares.

“Braaaaiiiiinssss” And this is Tarman. When I first saw Return Of The Living Dead I was about 12 years old. Too young to appreciate the campy humor of the film but old enough to appreciate the choreographed walk of the Tarman. I was both disturbed but mesmerized by his skeletal stride. Was it really a human behind all that gore? I will let you be the judge. Watch and see…

It’s hard to imagine that a person was behind all that in our age of CGI but I will remind you that this was back in 1985. Back when movies were fun.

Well, the guy behind Tarman is the great puppeteer, Allan Trautman. He has been in many films but more notably he has been behind the scenes in such great Henson productions like “Muppets Tonight” and the famous early 90’s sitcom, “Dinosaurs”. He received his BA in both Drama and physics and I say that makes for the right character to portray the Tarman.

“Hey creep, speed kills.” You didn’t think I was going to write a “where did you go” Halloween article without including Halloween, did you? of course not! I think I am going to give a little nod and hat tip to Nancy Kyes (aka. Nancy Loomis) who played the cute and sarcastic character, Annie Brackett. And she did an amazing job proving the smart girls were susceptible to death in  horror movies and that girls in the 70’s never wore a bra.

I think Nancy had a close friendship to John Carpenter because she was in Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween 1-3, The Fog, and The Twilight Zone. All Carpenter’s work. I guess her real life sarcasm got her far with him but after 1992 she stopped working on the silver screen. I always wonder why people make the decision to leave from such a full career but I guess everyone has their reasons. She has a family and resides in LA as a sculpture. I think she is still smoking.

“Dude, you getting a Dell!” Remember this guy? It’s Steve, the boy next door that is always trying to talk his parents into buying him a Dell computer. Actually it is Ben Curtis and his small spot as the main face of Dell lasted right up until he was arrested for possession of marijuana. And that sucks too because if you are going to trash your career, go out with crack.

Ben ended up on top anyway ( so to speak). He came out of the closet and is in a very successful Broadway play. It’s gay play call Joy and it had rave reviews. He graduated from NY University and is now the front man to the band WHALE. I’d say getting canned for smoking weed was the best thing to happen to the dude from Dell.

*I don’t know why I included Ben in the Halloween post.*

Well, that is all I want to write. I think this Halloween edition was a little light but I still learned a little. And I hope you did too. Happy Halloween, deary.

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