2009 Fall Beer Review: Part 2

Goodness, it’s almost the middle of October already? That is insane and really the only reason it hit me today is the fact that my face is numb from walking downtown tonight. That hasn’t happened since April here. And you know what that means? Fuckin’ snow is just around the corner and I will be bitching and moaning. Just letting you know that ahead of time.

But before I switch gears to winter wonderland I am still full throttle in the celebration of Samhain. So onto a new beer review focusing on one great brew company and a smaller micro. I just love tasting pumpkins, hay rides, campfires, Reese’s Pieces, ghosts and Charlie Brown in an alcoholic beverage. Perhaps I think of this too much.

This evening I am going to start off with a very popular beer company from the country that made Oktoberfest what it is. The Munich, Germany company, Spatan, has been rocking great beer since (get this) 1397. Holy shit, now that is worth bragging rites. They were making beer when the Spanish Inquisition was going on. You know, no one is prepared for the Inquisition.

I figured a backdrop of peanut butter M&Ms would suit this nicely. (That’s for you Lacey) To be honest, if this beer didn’t have Oktoberfest on the label, I would never imagine this to be a Fall beer. It has more of a Summer/Spring taste to be honest. The light body and very little aftertaste leaves one wondering, why Oktoberfest? This should be “Spring-enzi Deutch” if I was to name it. Actually, I kind of like that. No one steal that, okay?

I know I hammered on Spatan about it’s lighter body for an Oktoberfest beer but I really like the taste. You can imagine eating bratwurst with this, I am sure. But if you were sitting outside with a lit Jack-o-Lantern, wrapped in a Snuggie and passing out KitKats, this beer wouldn’t hold Halloween weight. I think I may risk skunking the beer and save a few 6 packs for next year’s boat parties. Hotdogs and watermelon would be a treat with this Spatan special.

Whoa! Hoptober comes at you with both fists! Let me start out by saying, I love IPA (Indian Pale Ales). There are fireworks and fairy dust that fly every time I take a sip of a great bitter IPA. Hoptober Golden Ale does that like no other. This is the beer you want on chilly evenings listening to Edgar Allen Poe-etry around a campfire.

The company that makes Hoptober (amazing name) is Belgium Brewing Company out of Fort Collins, Colorado. To be honest, as a very novus beer connoisseur, I am not familiar with them. I will say that the label drew attention immediately. See? I’m a novus. Really, I can only speculate that the painting is of a bunch of crazed circus freaks dancing in the nude around a campfire during broad daylight. That’s weird, macabre and strange; all three things I find next to godliness. Extra points, Hoptober!

I believe you have to be an IPA fan to really enjoy this beer. It has a bite, a little bitter and an aftertaste that will require either a cigarette or licking the face of Fran Drescher to alleviate the palate. So Zima drinkers beware, you may be in for a disappointment. But really, if you are a Zima drinker you probably have a life of disappointments anyway. Do they even make that shit anymore?

Sorry if you are a Zima drinker. I’m not one to judge and that was a pretty mean comment. Seriously though, expand your horizons. 🙂 Where was I? Oh yeah, Hoptober Golden Ale is the winner in my book. If you are fortunate to find this, buy it and drink it while carving something. The season of the dead emanates from the bottle and it inspires…almost anything!

CARVING RANDOM SHIT 2009!!!

If you know me or have been a follower on my blog, Veggiemacabre, then you know I have this weird addiction to Reduced Fat Triscuits. It has become such a staple in my diet that I believe if I were on death row, my last meal probably would include these crackers. Call me crazy but I love these woven wheat crackers so much, I really came close to naming my cat Triscuit. Looks like my first born will have the pleasure of the name instead.

It turns out these boxes are a pretty good canvas for Jack-o-lantern faces. Way better than the oval and circular objects of the past. The problem is the hollow box can be less protective of the crotch when you are jamming a knife into the flimsy cardboard. Most people would have known that.

So one close call to Rupert and the Diablo Twins and a lap full of cardboard shreds, this is what I have created.

Notice the action-shot fear in my cat’s face when she saw the demonic Triscuit box? Bet she’ll never sit on my laptop keyboard again. Well, actually I am sure she will. Training her is like telling plate tectonics to stop.

Spatan Oktoberfest: B-

I really liked the taste but to me, it does not qualify as a Fall beer. I know these guys have been brewing beer when Columbus’ great grandfather was born and the Surfs were surfing but I just can’t stop thinking of beach balls and cookouts when I drink it. They get a B for their 1397 age and a minus for the Oktober.

Hoptober Golden Ale: A

A solid A for the hoppy IPA that has a little sweetness. The sweetness reminds me of the spices of Fall. I dig that. Plus, the cover art makes my mind go to dark places. And really, isn’t that what where we want our mind to go on the day of the dead?

I kind of regret telling everyone what I named my manhood. Happy Halloween!

Correction Comment:

“Just a comment to correct a few inaccuracies. There is no such thing as an “Oktoberfest” beer as Oktoberfest is not a celebration of beer, but rather a celebration of Bavarian culture. Bavarian beer is traditionally very light. I will also add, since almost no one seems to know this, Oktoberfest takes place at the end of September, running until very early October.

The beer is called Spaten, not Spatan. It takes it’s name from the Spaten-Franziskaner-Bräu, which makes the excellent hefeweizen bier Franziskaner.

Anyways, just a comment from a German who does not like fallacies about their culture.”

Thanks for setting me straight. I will do a Polka Dance of Apology.

October 13, 2009 39

I’m In A Mood

Most of my life I have been in a pretty good mood. I always try to see the bright side of life and even in times of strife, there is usually a tinge of happiness to be found. Call it optimism or call it stupidity, I call it a survival mechanism. But even us “glass half full of beer” people can have moments of “fuck my life”. (That’s my new exclamation. Like it?) Here are some resent MRAAHHH’s!

I love NPR. For those who don’t know what NPR is, it stands for News…ahem…National Public Radio and most liberal arts universities have a relay for it on their campus. I particularly enjoy the evening program, “All Things Considered” which along with news, they have stories on topics rarely discussed in the crap we call news on TV. You can be driving in the most desolate areas of the country but in mind, you are in a hospital far off in the Congo or a kitchen in south Bronx listening to a 15 year old girl who raises all her siblings in the midst of gang violence. This program allows us to understand what many choose not to.

But there is a segment that makes me want to jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment. It is when they allow authors and poets to read their own work. People who write shouldn’t be allowed to read their stuff, especially those who All Things Consider’s, well, consider. You wouldn’t want Stephen King narrating his stories, would you? He’s as close to a human beaver as it comes.

A particular poet/reader had me fidgeting like a day three meth-trip. She spoke so softly I had the radio volume turned all the way up as she over enunciates every single word. I could only liken this to a woman trying to teach a deaf person to read lips by repeating “EGG! MC! MUF FFFF FFF IN!” This made my patients dip so low I took a huge swig of my boiling coffee, completely forgetting I just bought it and still, as I type, I taste only cardboard. Oh! I forgot, you could hear her nose whistle come through loud and clear. Fuck my life!

I know this is petty but still, given the choice between listen to a smug poet read her work from the next room of a recording booth or having a fat guy eat an apple out of anger over a megaphone in a small bathroom, I would choose the latter.

Text messaging is a great invention. Those of you who read this and actually know me in “real life” know that I abuse texting. To me, it is to the point and it leaves out opportunities to be stuck in a conversation about how someone’s dog ate blueberries from the kitchen table and shit a Jackson Pollock on the living room carpet. But there also is a time and place.

Recently I went out to dinner with a friend. She’s a good person but she is also one of those people who have little regard for other people. I guess everything has come easy to her and it doesn’t occur to her that there are other people on the planet. I tolerate her.

Well, about halfway through dinner she gets into a texting battle that lasts the rest of the meal. My phone went off at least six times but I would never think of that disruption at dinner. She just didn’t get that when two people are at dinner and one is on the phone, that makes the other feel bad. And look bad. By the time she was done I had drunk two shots, had three beers and spelled “suck my ass” in peas upside down on my plate of Pad Tai. Like I said, she can’t help being who she is. That’s why I tolerate her.

Nonverbal facial gestures with eyebrows from someone I don’t know makes me want to reply with nonverbal hand gestures with my middle fingers. I was next in line at the bagel shop and when it was my turn the tattooed, pierced, blue haired dude gave me an eyebrow gesture as if to say, “You are next retard”. I didn’t thank him after the transaction. Showed him. Wait a minute…he didn’t thank me!

Got my car totally fixed! But in the waiting room I had to watch “The View” on their TV. Don’t even get me started and don’t get me wrong, I am all about women and 100% equality but this show actually removed very important brain cells. When the mechanic was finished he asked for a form of payment and I responded, “Yes. Have some.”

If this makes some people angry, I am sorry. I just lied to you. I’m not and I don’t care. Whoopie needed to stay in the 1980’s. I am still disappointed in Ted Danson because that’s gross, man. That officially killed Cheers.

It just hit me that I am a 31 year old guy, living by myself with a cat in Idaho. I am Jon Arbuckle. Fuck my life.

*Back on track with the Fall theme tomorrow folks! I’ll be in a better mood by then. ;)*

September 23, 2009 35

The 2009 Fall Beer Review: Part 1

And here we are! It is mid September and this Indian summer is finally fading into a crisp fall here in the Northwest. I must admit that this is one of my favorite times of year. You can just feel the change happen; spookiness with a need for sweaters and I love it.

This also is a time for the 3rd Annual Fall Beer Review! You’re damn right I am making this an annual thing and it is a great excuse for me to combine brews with my favorite season. If you can’t trick or treat, this is the next best thing. But this year I am having two. A private micro brew is sending me theirs so I have to wait but until then I have wanted to review a larger Fall beer that is one of my favorites.

Enter Michelob’s Jack’s Pumpkin Spice Ale. This is a beer that should be named something like, “Son of a Bitch This Is Awesome!” because it hits on every Autumn tinge that makes this a seasonal beer. And above all else, it is lighter to accomodate those who are not true hardcore beer fanatics. Some people don’t like to heave after every sip.

Before I get to the taste, I need to point out that the look of this bottle/package is just too great not to jump around and howl at the moon for. From the orange fade-to-brown color scheme to the mascot, “Jack”, it lets the drinker know that they are drinking a season in a bottle. It almost reminds me of a throw back to the early eighties when jack-o-lanterns and scarecrows still ruled the decor for Halloween. At least that is the perception from me as a child. If they included a black cat on here then I probably would have thrown the six pack on the ground in the grocery and break danced in the froth and glass in a celebratory fashion. Luckily for Jack, the grocery store, aisle 5 and me, there are no cats on the label art.

NUTMEG, CINNAMON, GINGER and CLOVES. These are the primary ingredients in this potion. My heart pitters over the balance of not only the spices but the words. It is like a witch’s concoction that casts a spell to buy paper skeletons and watch Halloween until the VCR finally spits it out in protest. And the blend? Pure September/October because remember, Halloween is not a day but a season.

This is one of those beers that can not be faulted when the air is cool, college football is on and leaves are falling. If it is 90 and you are sitting by the pool you may feel like you are drinking a spent Hallmark seasonal candle. Luckily we are in the time frame to enjoy this one and I think it is beyond aces. But the past couple of years you have only heard my take. I’m going to go ask my neighbors to weigh in.

I will leave you with these because, really…I am drunk now. Seriously, I have downed a few of these and I just think anymore of me rambling will lead to embarrassment. But I did ask Matt at X-E.com and he said persevere. Will do sir. Next review I will carve something and that is a promise. So, here are my friends and their take.

Cearsar:“ It doesn’t taste like the normal seasonal brews. It’s not a “bitch” beer but it’s definitely not a beer you would think. It is smooth and goes down easy and I got used to the taste and that causes one to start drinking more quickly. Not a good thing.”

Giggles: “Tasty up front and I also like the after taste. It tastes like pumpkin pie but not too strong. The best thing I like is the lower carbonation and lighter body. It doesn’t leave you feeling full and bloated.”

Hairy Wookie: “Free beer? Where?” Actually this is the beer to drink around a campfire. It is something to keep you warm at night but not too full to keep you down in the morning.”

September 17, 2009 20

Painting With Satan!

You know I am a sucker for bizarre art. Much to the chagrin of my previous roomies because they had to stare a Dante’s Inferno while brushing their teeth. There is just something so captivating when you see the dreary imagination poured out on canvas as if to say, “that’s what’s in my head“.

But really, I think there is a special kind of madness in the old school metal album covers and movie posters. I remember them so fondly as a child and by fondly I mean, they terrified me to the core. So many times did I venture into my Dad’s kid brother’s room and stare at his Iron Maiden posters or wander into the horror section of the video rental store only to be tortured later on at night with visions of the Creep of The Creepshow. Who knew I would grow up to be an Maiden fan and watch Nightmare on Elm street like most people watch National Lampoon’s Vacation? These images haunted me but they also intrigued me. After all, what we don’t understand frightens us the most and we, by nature, almost certainly quest to find out more.

The Album Art:

Black Sabbath! This is an album that Mom and Dad probably won’t be buying you for Christmas. No, there is no mistaking this album cover for anything other than pure evil. Just to bring this into mom’s home meant I was risking a church intervention if caught. It had to be kept at my buddy’s house who’s parents didn’t mind such “racket”. I remember looking at this and almost hearing “join usssss. Join usssss”. I tell you what, I would have loved to be in that meeting when the album art was introduced. I bet the Devil himself was there.

“Put them in the iron maiden.

Iron Maiden? Excellent!

Execute them.

Bogus.”

Toning down but not by much we have one of my all time favorite bands and albums. My uncle loved Iron Maiden and I remember Eddie, the mascot shown above manipulating Satan, terrified me to no extent. And in reality he did his job because my Uncle posted him on his door to keep a certain 7 year old out. Man, I wouldn’t even walk down the hall. But we are cool now, he and me.

Cannibal Corpse

Just kidding. Seriously, they are beyond sick when it comes to album art. I don’t know who draws that stuff and I am sure I could look it up but really, it is so gross I don’t want to. But be my guest. This is a family show here. 😉

Mcculley, Lookout behind you! There’s a ….really big…you…there.

I am not a huge fan of Korn but man I remember when this album came out. There is something so creepy about images like this. They are hard to explain and can only be related to a bizarre dream. You know the ones. Like everyone is a female Tim Curry and your fridge is filled with boxes of Stoffer’s Stovetop Stuffing. All you can do is shrug it off and decide not to eat cheese puff before bedtime.

Movie Posters

Fuckin’ shit that is funny! Excuse my language but come on. I have never seen Beeker’s legs before. That warrants a swear or two. In this case two.

The Shining was a good movie. Hardly a scare but more a psycho thriller, Stanely Kubric does a brilliant job of sensory overload with sounds and light. This poster is a fine example of the creepiness Stanley could relay. This is one of my all time favorite poster art because for some reason, it chills me. And I love that.

I think many know my feelings about the trailer to The Creepshowbut the poster also has a resounding affect too. It seemed to be everywhere in the early eighties and it tortured a young puss of a kid like myself. Even today when I see it I am a little nervous not to stare too long. It reminds me of a dead old woman and to me, that is scary. End of story.

Zombie was always in the VHS rental store growing up. I mean, no one ever checked it out! It just sat there on the shelf, looking at me as if to say, “I know you are here to rent Space Camp but before you do, I want you to have nightmares of me all night long”. It is an Italian masterpiece, that I know today but back then I really hated this video. Little did I know it has a scene where a zombie and a shark actually eat one another. Holy crap!

Jesus Christ! Run!

September 12, 2009 32

Autumn Is Creeping

I can not believe that Fall is coming so soon. Next Tuesday is September the first and the death rattle of summer has already begun here in the Northwest. Before I know it all the trees will be bare and my flops will be flipped for boots. But we ain’t there yet. I am going to make a promise this year. I am going to enjoy this Autumn and embrace the coming holidays, unlike my last couple of years. This time I am really going to do it right because I love this season. You know it’s magic when it’s magical and that my friends, is a statement to live by.

The List

Annual Fall beer review (haven’t decided which one yet. Suggestions?)
Probably a puppetry art blog with more candy
Going to bake something. (send recipies)
Octoberfest review in Levenworth, WA
The half Marathon in Levenworth (See Macabre Fitness for that one)
Tribute to Halloween 3
VHS Horror Night (brought to you by the local VHS rental store)
Annual carving of something
Jones Soda review
Memories of Holiday-past blog (for sure)

I always cheat my way out. Corn should have had thorns.

I will be adding to this list but I think I can at least come through on these. I have a new and much larger place with a neat little office to work from so my creativity has no excuse to go tits-up like I have been doing these past months. I find writing has been all about atmosphere as of late and now that I can look at my Tom Atkin’s picture for creative inspiration, I know that good things are to come.

I have finally finished my “Where did You Go?” post but before I post I want to check some conflicting facts. A while ago I recieved an email from a star (?) with a correction. I am not sure if it is legit but regardless, I want to be truthful and not hurt anyones feelings.

August 27, 2009 14

Category: Art

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