Category: 1

Where did You Go? Part 7

I think I am going to start making this a Friday event. I will not go as far as to make it official because I have a way of jinxing myself and next Friday I might get hit by a bus full of gunpowder leaving everyone here saying, “that son of a bitch is completely unreliable”. So I will try the best I can because I have generated a list of people that need to be brought back to the limelight. Unless they are dead. Then I will bring them back posthumously. It’s the least i can do. And away we go!

*snort snort…Weeeyuuuuu*

Holy crap it’s Roy Stalin in one of the greatest movies of the Cusack 80’s genre, Better Off Dead! His real name is Aaron Dozier and man did he play the guy that every dude loved to hate. I must admit I was a little envious of the ski teams matching jackets. I have a sleeping bag that looks just like that. Regardless, Aaron nailed the role as the perfect high school prick jock and he even took his defeat in the end like the poor sport he was. “Get Lost!”

You’ll never believe what Aaron Dozier is doing today, or at least a few years ago. He is the head coach for the Boston College ACC ski team! I guess life does imitate art after all! I wish I had an updated picture. I wonder if he can still handle the K12…..on one ski?

Remember Mr. Mom? I barely do and that is probably because I was the same age as the two kids in the tub when it came out. But I got an email asking whether or not a recent fiber commercial on TV stared one of the kids and it turns out he did. It is Alex, the kid circled, who is really Frederick Koehler. I remember this kid more than the other because he wasn’t bitching about his wubby as much. It commanded my respect, even though I was guilty at that time for peeing my pants at recess playing “Red light, Green Light.”

Fred has been working his ass off since childhood and has been in everything from TV shows like Full House and ER to movies like Pearl Harbor and Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (poop in pants 😦 ) He was even in a great made for TV movie called The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom. But recently I keep seeing him in commercials like the said fiber commercial as a downtrodden employee. He does have that melancholy look, eh? But I bet anything this guy is the life of the party. Keep it real Fred!

Whatever happened to the UZI? Did weaponry in Hollywood go to the way of Colt? I remember when every bad guy rocked an UZI back in the day. How many guys where blown in the air, flipping and throwing their UZI’s on the show, The A-Team? I myself, had countless UZI water guns because it was the gun of choice. I wanted to be the Colombian drug runner in the neighborhood! Oh well, maybe the UZI can comeback one day. The Israelis really know how to make something cool, you know?

Who doesn’t love this guy, Brain Backer (Mark “Rat” Ratner) from the great 80’s movie Fast Times At Ridgemont High ? I always had a connection with his character in that movie. He was a self conscious dork that relied on his suave but selfish friend for tips on how to land a date with a crush. Even though his friend was a jerk, I did agree that on a date you should always play Led Zeppelin, “Physical Graffiti”. Works for me!

Brian Backer was in some really great 1980’s films like, of course, Fast Times’ as well as The Money Pit, Meatballs and Moving Violations but in 1987 his agent sold him out to Police Academy 4 and he was forever cast the way of TV sitcoms. Actually to be fair, Brian won a Tony for his performance as Woody ALLEN on Broadway. I guess that is an achievement. Oh well, you will forever be known as “Rat” who got sloppy seconds from your pal at Ridgemont. And for that, we love you Brian.

Last for today, but certainly not least it’s Keith Gordon, one of my all time favorite actor/director/writers ever. This guy bleeds talent and has been a true backbone for Hollywood cinema. Most people recognize Keith for his role as Jason Melon in Back To School or as Arnie Cunningham in Stephen King’s Christine but I know Keith Gordon as Doug Fetterman in Jaws II. That movie made me never want to go sailing again and his role as the nerdy bookworm let me know that even the smart guys can be eaten. That was a weak statement, I know.

You won’t find Keith in front of the camera anymore and that’s a real shame. And it’s not because he lost his hair. No, he is writing and directing now and does a damn fine job of it too. His political and antiwar themes rub people the wrong way at times but it does provoke thought. And really at the end of the day, isn’t that what we want? I watched A Midnight Clear and was really impressed how he made such a powerful film that not only captured everything Kurt Vonnegut had written but it inspired me to be a Vonnegut fan. Now that’s a movie when it inspires reading!

Go to Macabre Fitness right now! I want you to see a movie! Serious cat says so!

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Manscaping

Ok, back to the basics of what makes VeggieMacabre what it is. A lot of random shtuff that ties in only if you live on the farthest moon of planet B’pleebip. But today’s post is actually inspired from Pammy Shep’s very intuitive observation of men in Speedos. That being said it was only a matter of a few comments before the topic shifted to the art of manscaping. For those of you who are not aware of what ‘manscaping’ is let me be an informative source for you.

Manscaping is a guy’s answer to removing unsightly body hair. And by body hair I don’t mean removing the back hair, chest hair, arm/leg hair or anything else just above the belly button. No no, I also mean from the “happy trail” to the…..uh…shit, this is harder than I thought. (that’s what she said) Well anyway, you know where I am going with this so bear with me.

When I was in the seventh grade I spent a summer in San Fransisco with my Aunt, her boyfriend and her 7 cats. While I was there I read a lot of books because her beatnik boyfriend didn’t believe in television and they both worked during the day. That being said I snooped around their bookshelves at least twice a day and on one fateful day I was introduced to the classic 1972 book, The Joy Of Sex. It forever changed me and not because of the naked pictures or the sex faces. It was the hair. Even then at age 14, a full four years before I would even see a girl naked, I knew this wasn’t right. I prayed that I wouldn’t grow up to be a bearded bush man. I also looked at my Aunt and her over educated boyfriend a little differently. I wanted to go home.

So let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Why should a guy manscape? Well, that is a question that can only be answered by you and your partner. I can tell you that I do because I have pubeaphobia and I am uber-hygienic. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I fit in the metro-sexual category because I will never iron my jeans and if there is a bar that frowns on my Iron Maiden shirt, I won’t go in. But I have incorporated the manscaping routine in the shower and that is the way it is.

I am not saying that this is for everyone. Many women prefer their guy a little more on the natural side. There is nothing wrong with that. I have heard the case that many women feel manscaping isn’t manly at all and it detracts from the rustic, animalistic (made that word up) sense that I suppose only extreme private over growth can amplify. Hey, whatever sinks your canoe ladies. But to most, and I am only talking about the very few I know, they prefer guys to take the same amount of time that they are expected to when it comes to body hygiene.

For guys that feel this is a sissy practice all I have to say is, it’s not like you are shaving your legs and putting on a dress. It’s merely an extension of shaving surface area. I am not going to get into the details about how much needs to be trimmed but you’ll know. If you look in the mirror and see Buffalo Bill, you will know you went overboard. Start modest and go from there. I would suggest the Remington BT500A body hair trimmer. It’s waterproof and it eliminates razor burn, which is good. Very good actually. I also recommend Sensa Shave for the ol’ straight razor. It’s the guy’s equivalent to Coochy Cream.

So there you have it. I have stated my case for the practice of manscaping. I probably knocked my blog down a few pegs from entertaining to TMI but I felt it needed to be said. I think tomorrow I will write about ALF or cartoons. Something safe for work.

ALSO! Check out Allison’s hilarious mishap at the gym over at Macabrefitness. I was laughing so hard I popped something. Hopefully it wasn’t something important.

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Things I Have Lurnded In A Weekend

Foof! I rocked David Bowie Day a little too much on Friday, the 18th day of 2008. (hee) I convinced an entire bar that it was officially David Bowie Day and the manager obliged my request and played all my Bowie cds. It was great fun and I wish you were all there. It’s nice to leave and get “Happy David Bowie Day” from 30 people you don’t even know. I wonder if they will be pissed when they find out that it’s not completely official. And by ‘completely official’ I mean outside of my own head and the select few who read VeggieM. Meh, who cares?

So this weekend I took note of a few things. Everyday is an epiphany for me.

  • I’m never going to use the term, “Doggie Bag” at a restaurant again. I’m not sure what I would be taking home.
  • If you hit someone’s house with a golf ball, they get pissed. Even though the stupid assholes bought a house right on a course where people hit hard white balls with clubs and have the accuracy of Stevy Wonder with a dart.
  • Patron tastes better with an orange slice. I can’t explain it but it does.
  • I gave blood on Saturday and the nurse(?) told me that the stick would feel like a little bee sting. If that is supposed to calm me down, why do people go bat-shit crazy when bees are around?
  • On the same topic of giving blood, when the ears start popping, you have about twenty seconds before you take an involuntary nap.
  • Smelling salts hurt the nostrils.
  • An older black woman said I was “Fly”. I don’t know what that means, but I like it.
  • David Bowie’s character in the movie Labyrinth isn’t Jarrod. His name is Jareth. Dude still has funny pants.

That’s pretty much it. My weekend was uneventful by many people’s standards. How was yours?

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Friends From A Distance

So, I stopped over at a friend’s house after work to grab a few beers with him. I am not great friends with him and his wife but I have had a few delightful conversations over the course of the past few months and I finally took them up on a long standing invitation. And that is when I learned that some friendships should stay at the place they were formed. At the bar.

Don’t get me wrong, these people are really sweet but I guess there are just people in life that are meant to be friends from a distance. You think I’m a dick, don’t you? Well, just hear me out and then you can be the judge. I am sure there are a number of people in the world that wouldn’t want to come over to my house too. I’m not perfect. Okay, let us begin.

Right when I got there I knew this night was shaping up to be interesting. I wasn’t in the driveway yet and my gut was telling me to just go home. I guess it was from their yard with grass 4 feet high. But like usual I ignore my instinct and went with my retardo-sense. That always proves to be deadly. So I pulled in, barely missing 6 bigwheels, a bike, a pork roasting barbecue barrel thing and what looked to be a chewed up Lazy-Boy recliner. I got out of the car, walked up to their door, rang the doorbell and out jumped my buddy’s wife who gave me a really long and uncomfortable hug. It was clear that they had a six hour drinking head start on me.

I walked into their house and was met by a half a dozen other people, all very drunk. Now that doesn’t bother me but when you are dead sober and the people at the house are the type that will arm wrestle you for your girlfriend, it is strange. On top of that all the guys there played high school football together and now in their 40’s, they still act like they just walked off the homecoming field. I treated that night as a twisted sociology project, trying to use really big words out of context, just to see if someone will correct me.

Well, I began to drink very fast. So fast that I was drawing the attention of the said football team and before I new it we were shotgunning PBR’s. I really thought those days were behind me but it seems that they are not. So, about four beers later I had to pee like no other. I walked into there bathroom and right above the toilet was this.

What the fuck is that? Who buys art like this? I was completely transfixed and could not pee for the life of me. I am in no way a snob art connoisseur because, let’s face it, I collect horror movie posters as art pieces, but come on. Upon closer inspection I also found this.

Why is that frog blowing chunks? There is no theory to explain this. I have never seen a picture that caused me to have a bladder block before. There were four 16oz PBR’s begging to be set free and the pissing boy/frog yarf painting sucked out my will to relieve myself. Then my friend’s wife knocked on the door to make sure I was ok.

What the hell is with that anyway? Are there people who disappear in bathrooms around the country and I am the last to know? Why do people feel the need to knock on the bathroom door to check the status of whoever is in there? Next time I will ask them to come in and give me a back rub. That should keep them from asking anymore questions.

Well, I finally gained composure and finished what I started. I walked out and found my buddy, drunkenly gazing at his neighbor’s boobs and telling her about the new schooling zones that Alpharetta is starting. I walked up to him and inquired where they got that painting. It went like this.

Me- Fred, I have to know…where did you get that painting in the bathroom?

Fred- You like it? (hick-up)

Me- Ho..uh…where would one find something like that?

Fred- HEY NANCY! WILL LIKES YOUR PICTURE IN THE CAN!

Nancy- Oh you do! Our niece painted that for us! Isn’t it cute?

Me- Well, it kept me from peein’.

Nancy- That’s so nice! I’ll tell her that when she comes over again.

I so wanted to tell them fire wouldn’t even touch that but I didn’t have the heart. No, I am caddy but I am not a dick.

So, I drank my limit and went home. It wasn’t a bad night by any means but I prefer them in a neutral setting, without seeing them set up plans to swap partners, being obvious about having coke upstairs or being being asked who I am voting for when I am sure it is the opposite of everyone there and could ignite a fight. No, I like those two at the bar where I can enjoy the company free of vomit frogs. They are good people.

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El What?

It sucks to get behind a truck moving 45 mph on a crowded highway with no hope of merging. It’s even worse when you are already late for work. To compound it, when you finally do get there, you swing into the meeting and apologize by saying you were stuck behind El Juereno. Really shoots your credibility to shit.

Ooo! Ooo! Make sure to swing by Macabre Fitness to read Romi’s hilarious story. Muy worth it.

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