Today I was at a work lunch with a few clients and the subject of Halloween came up. Of course, the one person at the office who knows I have an alter ego for all things like Halloween was there too. It took her 0.0067 seconds to erupt into a high squeal, “WILL LOVES HALLOWEEN AND EVEN HAS A SITE ALL ABOUT IT!”
I smiled and tried to quickly change the topic but it was too late. Before I knew it I had all sorts of non-work related questions about movies, sexy Jason costumes and where to buy the best candy. I hate letting my personal and nerd-o life get out in the open in a work environment but the black Halloween cat was out of the bag now so I had to go with it. It was fun and a nice break from the financial speak.
I don’t know how it evolved but the discussion soon turned to the bargain store, Ollie’s. I have a love/hate relationship with Ollie’s. I love that it is a huge discount store where you can buy inflatable yard ornaments, a shirt and an entire reference guidebook to Middle Earth under one roof but I hate whenever I go into the store there is always some person who ruins my day. It doesn’t matter when, it always happens. Last time, there was a lady who tried to shoplift and was tackled in the pavement by another woman leading to a lot were cops. The time before that, some really obese girl pulled her pants down in one of the aisles.
So, I refuse to go back. Sorry, Ollie, but whenever I drive past your store all I can think about is screaming rednecks and the biggest ass I’ve ever seen. I’m just not ready yet but I had an idea.
On the drive back to the office we made a detour to Ollie’s. I gave my work mate $20 and asked her to buy that amount in Halloween junk to review while I stayed in the car. If you spill my hobby in front of clients, you have to be apart of it. It’s only fair. She picked four items and now I will review them in realtime without adding another scarring event to my life.
These are her choices.
Okay, first up in is the “Eight Is Too Much” wig from Rubie’s Character Wigs™ for $9.99. Researching the “Eight Is Too Much” points to a late seventies TV drama about a news anchor with eight kids. That’s a pretty obscure reference for a wig but we are talking about finds at Ollie’s so I will give it a pass.
I am not sure the name “Eight Is Too Much” wig is the right one. This looks more like a “May I See The Manager” wig or “White Zinfandel Tonight?” wig.
Hrm. I am not sure I pulled this one off. I feel like it’s either a Flock Of Seagulls wig or something else. I just can’t put my finger on it. It was someone on TLC who was part responsible for turning a channel about discovery and dinosaurs into total garbage and self loathing. OH!
NAILED IT! It’s that total bitch from John And Kate Plus Eight! You remember the show, the couple who ruined their lives and damaged their kids for fame and money? Man, I guess we cracked the code for the name, “Eight Is Too Much”. Eight was too much.
I give this find 8 out of 10 severed Freddy fingers. Eight is a theme here.
Gummy Boo Bands for $2.49! I have seen these around and didn’t notice they were edible. Kids these days are into all sorts of incredibly stupid shit. But, to be fair, all kids are stupid to me. With all the awareness wristbands out there I didn’t know there was finally one you can eat. That would be a great one to raise awareness for hunger! (I’m a dick)
GROSS! SICK! This thing feels like actual He-Man slime right out of the can. I know it is an orange gummy but my mind goes to the smell of Mattel slime. Plus, and waaaay worse, it gets your wrist sticky. I can stand a lot of discomforts in life but one that I can’t stand in the least is being sticky. It makes me want to cry and I am an ugly crier.
I give Boo Bands 3 out of 10 dead chicks.
Let’s see what else is in this bag-o-crap from Ollie’s. I am beginning to think I am missing a lot from my Ollie’s boycott. That is a Review the World stomping ground for sure! I might have to go back and risk seeing a human grand canyon if there are more great finds in this bag.
Ho Ho Hee Hee, it’s Juicy Oozer Gummy Vampires and Gummy Werewolves from Black Forrest® for $2.29! I love Black Forrest gummy candy. Some people are Haribo gummy fans and others are Black Forrest. The best way to compare this divide is to compare those who prefer Red Vines to Twizzlers. It’s not a huge difference to most but to a few it is like Communism vs Capitalism. Then there are the Swizzler fuckers. No one likes them.
I can’t say enough about these. They have great shapes, you can recognize flavors, the vampires have tangy blood and the packaging is unreal. The fonts and art would make Madd Matt do the Charleston on Poe’s grave. This hits on all Halloween cylinders so please, go get thirty bags. They will be worth thousands in future currency once Samhain arrives and vanquishes all those who put out Christmas stuff during October.
10 out of 10 Jason Voorhees head lumps.
Last but not least! I hope.
Um…I don’t know what this girl was thinking and I don’t know if I want to go down this road. I have been running VeggieMacabre since the summer of 2007 and kept this as close to PG as possible. I know there has been a few times when my language hasn’t been perfect. Okay, more than a few but I still keep it clean. I just don’t know if this will translate so lets just approach this as the mature adults we are. It’s a Halloween costume prop.
Well…isn’t that special? It’s an “Open Wound Sleeve” from those sick assholes a Paper Magic Group™ for $3.29. I guess this is supposed to be a wound that you put on your arm but my mind keeps going elsewhere. Remember that scene in The Gate when the lead protagonist had an eyeball form on his hand? I guess it could be the same principle.
Oh Hell. I guess if you squint you eyes from afar it would look like a wound or a gash… GOODNIGHT FOLKS!
0.003 out of 10 Michael Myers Eye Brows
Ollie’s gets a better grade from me than I would usually give it and that is probably because I stayed in my car. I love the concept of bargain shopping because I am the type of guy who would buy a tub of ten thousand cheese puffs when looking for motor oil and a place like Ollie’s would certainly allow me to do that.
Great scores if you exclude the gyno-sleave! I need to keep that girl away from me at the office. (Just kidding!)
I am off to shoot a very special “Beers with Movie Sauce” for the Spook Show so stick around! I am all ramped up and ready for the fun so thanks for hanging with me. See you tonight!