My Last Halloween In Idaho…

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I was the Cookie Monster.

Sorry for the off center scan but you get the point. Notice the coat and the obvious rosy cheeks? I have a memory of my mom yelling at my dad for Trick-or-Treating me to the point of frostbite. I also remember falling and spilling my candy all over the snow covered front yard and a cockerspaniel eating some of it. Other than that, I only remember sweating in my plastic mask.

Happy Halloween!

Happy :) Sad :( Meme

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Happy: Food that comes in a bowl. Besides soup.

Sad: Food that doesn’t come in anything. Like the chick that works at the PitaPit that handed me a pita sandwich. When I repeated “to go” in the form of a question she said the PitaPit stopped bagging to be more green. I dropped turkey and sprouts on my lap in the name of the environment.

Happy: Having a beer in the shower after a long run.

Sad: Having a beer before a long run. It’s more like a short, limping walk with a possibility of puking. I am not as tough as I used to be.

Happy: Gourmet spicy mustard.

Sad: Honey dijion mustard. I used to like it but one time I swallowed it down the wrong tube and coughed up honey dijion for the rest of the day. Now I fart in it’s general direction.

Happy: My iPhone. It is pretty cool.

Sad: It’s really hard to text and drive at the same time. I usually try not to but the other day I accidentally responded to this girl, “Can I come on you?” Stupid auto-text.

Happy: Chinese food

Sad: Chinese food in a town with a population under 2,000 people. And no Chinese people. It’s funny to think that John and Bethany McMillan named their own restaurant, “Happy Lucky Dragon”.

Happy: Falling asleep to Nick at Nite

Sad: Waking up to Nickelodeon. Especially when Dora The Explorer invades the dream.

Happy: Dropping a line from your favorite movie in an applicable situation.

Sad: Dropping a line from your favorite movie in an applicable situation….and no one has seen it. It’s too bad my favorite movie is the The Burbs’. Only the keepers get those lines.

Happy: Bud Lite commercials. Genius.

Sad: Those mother fucking CreditReport.com commercials. Every time they are on (400x a day) I scream at the TV. I screamed so loud on Saturday that I scared the dog causing him to sprint to the end of the driveway on his hind legs. I don’t know what I dislike more; those commercials or Al Qaeda?

Happy: My morning routine. I get up, put on coffee and turn to the news. Then I go into the bathroom and put a towel in the dryer and get in the shower. After the shower I reach out and can pull the warm towel out of the dryer. Then I dry off and walk over to the fire place and stay warm while I drink coffee and watch the news. Great start.

Sad: It all happens at 5am and it’s 20 degrees outside.

Happy: Everything about Randy Quaid.

Sad: Everything about Diane Keaton.

Happy:

Sad:

Is this a new thing? Do shitheads like this really post videos of themselves watching videos? We have reached a new low in entertainment, folks. And this chick looks about as much fun as wet underwear.

Happy:

Who’s the moosiest moose we know?
Marty Moose!
Who’s the star of our favorite show?
Marty Moose!
M is for Merry, we’re merry you see;
O is for Oh gosh, Oh golly, Oh gee;
S is for Super Swell family glee;
E is for Everything you want to be.
M – A – R – T – Y;
M – O – O – S – E.
What’s that spell?
Marty Moose!
Marty Moose!
Marty Moose!
(Hyuk), that’s me!

Sad: Chevy Chase’s career after 1995.

Happy: Having elbows and knees that bend.

Sad: I’m too tired to make sense now.

Where Did You Go? Part 8…Halloween

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It has been a while since I have done one of these. But since we are less than a week away from Halloween I figured this would be a good time to add a new one. This time it will be all about October 31st. You see, Halloween is all about the scary movies for me. I can take or leave the candy, costumes and parties but when it comes to normal cable TV dedicating 24 hours to ghosts, ghouls and vampires, I come very close to taking off my pants and doing the Twist. Don’t worry, I watch them alone most of the time. So let us start off with one of my favorites.

“Oh! You’re so cool, Brewster!” Yeah, Charley was quite the hero in Fright Night 1 and 2. Even though he was a little high strung and his choice in a girlfriend was a little questionable. But still, his vigilance as a nosy neighbor payed off and call girls are free of death by vampire. Fear of STD’s, rape, murder, kidnapping and incarceration maybe, but vampires…no. Thanks to the heroics of Charley!

Charley Brewster was played by the great William Ragsdale and unfortunately, after Fright Night his career as the main character in film never took off. Sure he was in The Reaping and Big Momma’s House but William’s main bread and butter is TV. He has been in a number of episodes from different television dramas like “Judging Amy”, “Without A Trace” and “Medium”. I’m still holding out for a Charley comeback in a Fright Night 3 but I maybe alone. Here he is today. Actually, he hasn’t aged too badly. Oh Brewster!

The next star spotlight is a great one. There are plenty of films that have obscure actors who get the opportunity to be involved in the most memorable scenes of the movie. In Steven Spielberg’s film, Poltergeist, about a young family that is tormented by ghosts after they inadvertently moved into a house above a cemetery, one of the paranormal investigators is targeted, bitten by something and he had a delusion about ripping off his own face. You know the scene. And that is why we all love Marty.

“You got bit?!?!? Wow!” I have always had a soft spot in my heart for poor Marty. But think about it. In the famous “face tearing” scene, Marty leaves the safety of the den to go, alone, into the kitchen. And what is he about to do? He is going to cook a steak. Really? In the middle of the night he was going to fry up a steak? Make a sandwich, man, I like to imagine the ghosts that were messing with him because they didn’t feel like smelling fried steak all night. Well, poor Marty got the message.

Marty Casella was played by, coincidentally enough, by Martin Casella. That is him to the right and it is kind of funny that I always assume actors with small parts are beginning artists. Not true about Martin. When Poltergeist was being cast, Spielberg himself recruited Martin Casella. At that particular time Martin was teaching drama at a Santa Monic high school so I would say he knew a thing or two about acting.

Since Poltergeist, Martin has only been in a few films like Robocop 2 and Turner And Hooch. He had small roles in each but that isn’t where he excelled. Martin is a celebrated screen and play write and has been in a number of Broadway shows. The one thing that I loved about Martin is that of all the films he has been in, his character has always been his own name. It’s good to have a quirk.

Little Known Fact: In the famous “face tearing” scene, Martin isn’t doing the tearing. Those are Spielberg’s hands. Funny, eh?

I would like to take a moment to thank Ronnie Scribner who played little vampire Glick boy in the made for TV series of 1979, Salem’s Lot. Because of the three minute scene where he floats to the window and bites his brother, I have missed many nights of sleep. Even today at age 30, when I hear a weird noise outside I immediatley think of his evil little smile. God.

Ronnie had quite a career as a child star from 1978 to ’82 but nothing after. It’s funny to read about his ABC morning specials. Do you remember those? They were the hour long shows that aired about 11pm after all the cartoons were over. I think the last time I saw one was when “The Land Of The Lost” was still on the air. Anyway, Ronnie stopped acting and I can only venture to guess that it was because he either grew out of his cuteness or his parents didn’t want him to have a Hollywood life. Regardless, he now lives in Pasadena with a wife and kids. He is a mortgage broker. A mortgage broker that is still in my nightmares.

“Braaaaiiiiinssss” And this is Tarman. When I first saw Return Of The Living Dead I was about 12 years old. Too young to appreciate the campy humor of the film but old enough to appreciate the choreographed walk of the Tarman. I was both disturbed but mesmerized by his skeletal stride. Was it really a human behind all that gore? I will let you be the judge. Watch and see…

It’s hard to imagine that a person was behind all that in our age of CGI but I will remind you that this was back in 1985. Back when movies were fun.

Well, the guy behind Tarman is the great puppeteer, Allan Trautman. He has been in many films but more notably he has been behind the scenes in such great Henson productions like “Muppets Tonight” and the famous early 90’s sitcom, “Dinosaurs”. He received his BA in both Drama and physics and I say that makes for the right character to portray the Tarman.

“Hey creep, speed kills.” You didn’t think I was going to write a “where did you go” Halloween article without including Halloween, did you? of course not! I think I am going to give a little nod and hat tip to Nancy Kyes (aka. Nancy Loomis) who played the cute and sarcastic character, Annie Brackett. And she did an amazing job proving the smart girls were susceptible to death in  horror movies and that girls in the 70’s never wore a bra.

I think Nancy had a close friendship to John Carpenter because she was in Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween 1-3, The Fog, and The Twilight Zone. All Carpenter’s work. I guess her real life sarcasm got her far with him but after 1992 she stopped working on the silver screen. I always wonder why people make the decision to leave from such a full career but I guess everyone has their reasons. She has a family and resides in LA as a sculpture. I think she is still smoking.

“Dude, you getting a Dell!” Remember this guy? It’s Steve, the boy next door that is always trying to talk his parents into buying him a Dell computer. Actually it is Ben Curtis and his small spot as the main face of Dell lasted right up until he was arrested for possession of marijuana. And that sucks too because if you are going to trash your career, go out with crack.

Ben ended up on top anyway ( so to speak). He came out of the closet and is in a very successful Broadway play. It’s gay play call Joy and it had rave reviews. He graduated from NY University and is now the front man to the band WHALE. I’d say getting canned for smoking weed was the best thing to happen to the dude from Dell.

*I don’t know why I included Ben in the Halloween post.*

Well, that is all I want to write. I think this Halloween edition was a little light but I still learned a little. And I hope you did too. Happy Halloween, deary.

Treats That Will Get You Tricked

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You know, now that we are getting close to Halloween, I feel it is my duty this year to shed some light on what is not the appropriate candy/treats to hand out. Reading Pam’s blog from today inspired this and hopefully I may save someone from a November first morning of pulling toilet paper off the branches of the trees. I am not saying I am the know all of candy or what is acceptable to the average ten year old, but I have many years of getting my pillow case weighed down by sugary shit and alternative treats. And being the little prick I was, the poor souls found out the hard way that their disconnect from Halloween led to mayhem in their front yard.

Stop right there! No! No! Bad treat giver! If you even think about giving out blue mints or sugar free hard candies you need to choke yourself. Think about this general rule: if you can find it at the bottom of your great Edna’s purse, you shouldn’t have it in the trick or treat bowl. No kid needs these. Not even the diabetic kid. Brach’s never intended these candies to be used as treats and this should be apparent since I have yet to see bats and pumpkins on the bags. No, Brach intended these to be after “early bird special” mints. So, if you hand these out the result might be this:

See? See what can happen? All because they gave out grandma-treats.

Oh Ho! Yep, people still do this. I have memories of getting five pennies scotch tapped together and wanting to say, “no, no…you keep it. I’ll only throw it through your garage window when you shut the door.” I still don’t understand the thought process behind this. These people actually taped five pennies together which, if i did my elementary math correct, meant they probably blew the same amount of money pissing off the neighborhood kids that could have been spent on Snickers. Plus, a handful of pennies can do this if thrown hard enough.

Well, maybe if Randy Johnson threw them. But you get the point.

The next treat is a no brainer. So let me break it down for you.

Eaten by these:

Looks like they were shit by these:

And primarily given out for Halloween by these:

You guessed it! It’s one of the worst tricks that poses as a treat.The mother fuckin’ raisin.

Now how does this box of death find it’s way into the treat bag? I can only venture to guess that it is the underground society of Dietitians Against M & M’s (D.A.M.M.). I mean really, there is nothing good about dried fruit and various forms of fiber supplements when there are thousands of better choices available. And cheaper! So grandma, I know you want to fight the system but your efforts will be futile. And if you still don’t get it, it’s your funeral! See?

This will ruin your Stride Rites! So take heed, and resist the temptation to hand out nutritious boxes of bullshit. Or deer shit. Whatever.

I am on the fence about giving out coupons for Halloween. Sure I still have a few retro McDonald’s coupons from the 80’s and as an adult they are neat to remember but when I was a kid I thought, “I bet this will stay on the fridge way passed the expiration date”. And I was right. Growing up, my folks only stopped at fast food restaurants on cross country road trips. So in order to utilize a coupon that meant a special effort had to be made. And it never happened. So I guess this treat is really a trick on the parents. You maybe safe from reprisals but like I said, I was a little dick and this could happen:

“That there is a felony offense…” Kids can be just awful, you know? So why tempt fate?

Oh don’t do this. Don’t make your own Halloween candy! I remember after a long night of trick or treating the first order of business was to get the “ok” from Dad to eat the candy. The “ok” was only granted after he visually inspected all the candy for anything that looked suspicious and the first thing in the garbage was the homemade treats. So keep that in mind before you make 300 vampires on a stick. And god forbid a kid gets sick.

There are worse things than getting the house egged. I know this looks extreme but we live in the age where neighbors sue neighbors over barking dogs. Just wait to see what happens when little Johnny Snot Face pukes on the family sofa after eating a gourmet chocolate mummy you made with a touch of love.

“Oh how cool! Candy in the shape of toothbrushes! Talk about irony. Wait a minute…..these aren’t candy at all. These are fucking real toothbrushes! What the….?”

That is a conversation I had at age 11. For the life of me I could not wrap my head around the fact that someone could hand out hygiene products in place of sugar. Are they being funny? Are they transplants from Indonesia and missed the point of Halloween? Or is it something more sinister? I went with that.

See what can happen when you mess with tradition? When you buck the system, the system can buck back. There is meaning behind “trick or treat”. If by “treat” you think toothbrush then by “trick” kids mean burn your damn house to the ground. That’s how we do things in America.

I hope I was able to shed some light on what are acceptable treats for Halloween. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward after a childhood of being mischievous. Karma has a way of kicking you in the nuts if you don’t and believe me, I have a lot to pay forward. So this year, keep it Wonka. That way you can avoid waking up and finding the mob has “taken care” of your jack-o-lantern.

Bar Fun In Idaho

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Last week I pulled a late one at the bar. You would probably know this from my drunk post. Every so often you need to let the hair down a little and have a mid week blow out. I’m not as young as I used to be and this late night cost me plenty. And by cost me plenty I mean I got sick (flu-ish) and felt 80 for a week. Take a look.

It’s nice to have a good buddy who is a bartender. Buuuuut, I don’t drink and drive so at 1am, this guy passes out the shots like a Jehovah’s Witness passes out pamphlets. Any other place this would be welcome but I live on a mountain guarded by deer and bigfeet. The last thing I want to do is wake up to find I ran over the missing link in the great Northwest.

If you are with a group of your friends, especially these guys, don’t be the first one to pass out at the bar. Well, it’s never good to fall asleep at the bar to begin with but work hard, play hard and all these guys are firefighters. It’s a long day and after 1am, I suppose a nap maybe needed. But nap at your own risk because….

….you may become a sundae. I kind of feel bad about this one. Who am I kidding? This is hilarious. And believe it or not, the cherry stayed on for over an hour. I had 5 dollars on 20 minutes. Poor Ted. He was really tired and after he woke up, he wasn’t even mad about the whipped cream in his hair. He was too busy puking in the urinal.

That’s two! It’s not everyday you can witness two people nappinating at the bar. And now I can’t decide which is weirder; the fact two guys passed out within minutes of each other or the fact I took pictures. But I only had three beers under my belt and a clear head to archive this just for you. And if you like that, you’ll love the next place we went called The Slab. A real honky-tonk club.

Shut up!!! We walked in and it was straight out the movies. A smokey bar, eight foot ceilings, the band was playing a Dwight Yoakam cover, we were the only ones without a cowboy hat and they only served Budweiser and Budlight. Last year I was in South Beach, paying $7 for a Michultra in a club that required at least a $200 minimum cover on the credit card. This year I am paying $1.50 in a bar full of cowboys, smoke jumpers and truckers and it is cash only. I prefer the latter.

I don’t have any words for this. All I can say is…….perfection. If only this came in a t-shirt. Because this would be the Christmas present for everyone. And you would have to wear it whenever you are with me.

Thank you all for the well wishes. Mom did great and is recovering. They expect her to be home before the week ends so all is good. You people are the greatest. 😉