Month: August 2008

Moving

Sorry it has been a while. That’s pretty presumptuous of me to apologize as if anyone was really waiting, huh? Well, anyway, it is for good reason. As of Monday I have resigned (even though I still went in yesterday) because I am changing careers and moving 2300 miles North West to Idaho. So, this coming Monday I will make the long trek across this great country and hopefully blog about it on the way. It’s a little scary, especially because the town I am moving to does business via fax only still. No shit, here is the conversation I had with a leasing agent about an apartment I a renting.

Me: Hello, I am moving to Coeur D’ Alene this next week and I saw from the classified ad that you have an open apartment for rent and I was hoping I could go ahead and get an application.

Lady: Oh Neat! Sure thing. Do you have a fax?

Me: I do but would it be possible if you could just put it in an email attachment since I will be putting personal information on it?

Lady: Oh, I am sorry. We don’t have the application on the Internets.

Me: *shit my own brain*

See why I might be a little nervous? I think the lady actually believes that the internet is a series of nets. Beside the fact I have no idea of what the apartment looks like. I bet she would mail me Polaroids if I was to ask. A leap of faith, my friends.

So that is my lack of posting excuse. I think that’s a good one. Now I have to get back to packing the essentials and buy a coat because I hear north Idaho can get cold, especially to a dude who lived the past couple of years in a subtropic climate. And for that very reason I may just grow a beard.

Oh, before I go I need you guys to take a survey. I have a buddy here who is just one of the greatest guys but I truly believe he is a hybrid.  It has always been up for debate who he looks like more. I will leave it up to you. Here he is below:

Here is another angle…

So study D’s features and tell me A) B) or C), who you think he looks like the most. I’m not being mean, I ask him this all the time. He always picks C.

A) Mick Jagger

B) David Johaneson

C) Ed from Iron Maiden

Choose carefully. Now I really have to go because there is a lady that just sat behind me and she is eating a plum like it’s her job. I can’t tell if she is eating the plum or the plum is eating her face.  Watch your fingers, lady!

32

T minus 5 Days…

…until I get all the legal mumbo-jumbo out of the way and launch the new fitness site sponsored by Big Peach Running Company, Northface, Inov-8 Running and Function Drink. It will be pretty cool because I am just the administrator rather than the site designer. That’s because I am a retard on roller skates when it comes to CSS and HTML. So, with much money and a creative drive I will have little control over the look but a lot with the content.

But it will not be with out the help of friends. I lucked out to have support from those on my blogroll. If you haven’t been to the blog Macabre Fitness then check it out. It’s currently a shell for the actual site but the articles that people have contributed are amazing. I know this because the stat counts triple what I post. Here is one Pam sent me and it is exactly what I am looking for. It gives great insight to the world of the sports bra. Something I could never know anything about. The only thing I can say is boobs; I like them and they should be protected. Thanks you so much Pammy. I am even going to throw it on Veggie because it is that good.

So send me your funny stories, tips and tricks about physical fitness. I am working on free stuff to send you guys from the sponsors. No good deed goes unrewarded. Here is Pam on sports bras. Enjoy!

SPORTS BRAS!

Looking Out For #1 and #2: An Intimate Guide to Sports Bra Shopping

Those women who not only have washboard abs but also a washboard chest don’t have the same concerns as I do when it comes to athletic wear. Unless you have a rather ample bosom, you couldn’t possibly understand the pain and injuries that can occur if you’re not properly outfitted. Running, jumping, boxing or anything that requires you to move quickly in an up and down fashion is likely to be painful unless you smash your boobs. Working out is definitely not the time to enhance them. Goal number one when sports bra shopping: make your boobs as flat as possible as the correct bra will inhibit breast movement.

Therefore, the first thing to look for in a sports bra is support. So what constitutes support? That would be the back and you should choose either a full or racer back which allows your shoulder blades free movement. If made well, the thicker the back the sturdier the bra. You don’t want hooks or zippers as sweat makes metal slippery or sticky and both are cause for embarrassing moments – trust me.

Next you should look at straps, which must always be thick. Anything that resembles a spaghetti strap is going to offer about as much support as a wet noodle. Your boobs shouldn’t be hanging low when exercising but that’s exactly what will happen if you choose a thin-strappy tank top sports bra, with or without a shelf. Rule of thumb: if it’s more of a tank top that you’d wear to the beach over your swimsuit, then it’s not the right bra to work out in. Thick straps will always stay in place and you will never pop out of one – no adjustments necessary no matter how intense your workout.

BAD GOOD

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Style and liner. I dislike the uni-boob look that short sports bras will give you, which is why I always choose the tank top sports bras. But not just any tank, one that has a double liner. Nike usually wins in this category with a tight and durable outer layer and an underlying cross-shaped bra liner with thick elastic underneath. This double bra action gives an extra layer of support and ensures no flopping around.

Material. Get something that breathes or you could suffer from chaffing or zits in weird places. I’ve discovered that anything Under Armor makes is basically mana from heaven. I don’t feel wet or sticky and sweat never rolls down my back when I wear it. You want a material that absorbs as much sweat as possible without making you feel like an old shower towel. Also, never go with any bra that is made entirely of spandex as it absorbs about as much as duck feathers in a rain storm.

<!–[if gte vml 1]> <![endif]–><!–[if !vml]–><!–[endif]–> <!–[if gte vml 1]> <![endif]–><!–[if !vml]–><!–[endif]–>

Finally, purchase a bra that’s a little too small for you. Not so small that it inhibits breathing or creates cleavage in your throat, but small enough that it keeps everything in place and doesn’t allow for free movement. If you wear a 36D and purchase a Large sports bra, chances are there will be material gaps on the sides of your breasts – so get a Medium instead.

For those of you who might be basically breastless, this doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to go braless as ALL women should protect their goods.

Be tasteful, tactful, and true to yourself.

-Pam Shep: Hey There, It’s Pammy-Girl

12

I Have Questions

  • In the show All In The Family, why is Edith always running? I have seen every episode and I have never seen her walk.
  • If you have a lisp, can you even say the word ‘lisp’?
  • Dogs hate it when you blow on their face but they stick there heads out car windows?
  • Why do I always touch the plate at a Mexican restaurant when the waiter clearly says “hot plate”?
  • I love San Fransisco but I just read an article that the city is looking to regulate all restaurants to ban all trans fats, add a 3% charge to all hotels and dining for the city’s socialized medicine, and make selling bottled water illegal. I can’t understand how a city that prides itself on diversity and individual choice can do the exact opposite? I am wondering when the former Soviet Union will declare San Fran their new home?
  • I get very uncomfortable when people are singing while making eye contact with me. I wonder why that is?
  • I am sure I can Google this but I would rather ask it to you; can you please explain to me why Hawaii has interstates again?
  • Math

Anyone have any answers? Or did I add to your list of questions?

14

Snake In The Garage

I feel pretty fortunate to live relatively close to my parents for the time being. After I turned 18 I pretty much left for 7 years straight except for the occasional holiday and I believe that took a toll on the family because I am the only one they had. I guess youthful indiscretion can be at times better worded as selfishness. But now that I am older I recognize the importance of spending family time even when this happens.

So I am at work, knee deep in superficial issues and figuring out other peoples dilemmas when I get a cellphone call from my Mom. I make a point to not answer personal calls at work but then she called again before the voice mail alert beeped. Maybe it is the fact that there are elderly people in my family and I am extremely paranoid over the well being of my parents, because I broke my cardinal rule and picked up.

“Bill, you need to come home right now”, Mom said in a shaky voice. My heart stopped.

I asked what happened as I frantically made my way to the elevator. There was a long pause and then she quickly said she would call me right back and hung up. As soon as I reached the bottom floor I made my way to the parking deck, my mind racing on every conceivable emergency. Did something happen to my Dad? Did my final Grandparent pass? Did one of my little cousins get ill? What could it be?

Now, I love my Mom but I know that she exaggerates the severity of issues. It’s not her fault, it was just how she was raised. We all have someone in the family that takes a situation and adds a touch of irrational thought and a pinch of panic. That’s her. So as I was driving out the garage I figured unless someone was dead I needed to subtract at least 20% from whatever I was about to be told. And then the phone rang.

I quickly demanded to know what was going on and then Mom said in a voice of pure excitement, “There’s a snake in the garage!”

Yep, there was a snake in the garage and I left every pending issue of corporate importance to drive 30 miles and due battle with a snake. I have to tell you that was a relief. I instructed her to call animal control and I would be there as soon as possible and not to shoo it out herself. If you think Mom would get excited to see a snake I couldn’t even comprehend the story if she was bit. Epic scale my friends.

So she informed me she already called 911. God I wish I could have heard that conversation. I imagine it would have gone like this:

911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Mom: There is a huge snake in the garage!

911: Ma’am, can you describe what the snake looks like?

Mom: I don’t know, but it’s walking around on it’s hind legs! Come quick!

So I finally got there after I spent time on the phone consoling my very bothered Mom. I walked into the garage and saw no sign of a snake but I have seen Animal Planet. I know these thing coil in the furthest corners. So I peered over the first place that I would go if I were a snake and I found him. And it was exactly what I feared. A copperhead snake and it was poisonous. Fuck.

I have very bad luck when it comes to handling dangerous or any non-domesticated animals. I am always the one to walk away from a petting zoo with the handlers saying, “So sorry Billy, Danny the Deer has never ran down and bitten someone like that before.” So my chances of getting said snake from the opposite corner of the garage to it’s natural environment without getting bitten was not good. So I did what any guy in a suit with zero training would do. I took two golf irons and picked it up. (don’t do this)

Surprisingly, everything was going smooth. The snake wasn’t flipping out, I didn’t trip, Mom didn’t faint. Nope, 90% of the journey was smooth as silk. Right up to the point I gently put him/her down on the driveway. Then the little bugger did the unexpected.

Every nature show I have seen on TV paints the picture that snakes, when caught and then let go, take off into the wilderness because “it is more scared of you than you are of it”. Bullshit. That little bastard was on the ground for about ten seconds after I laid it down, sticking it’s tongue out with it’s head raised. Then right before I felt a sense of accomplishment it turned and made a beeline right for my leg. (shakes)

I don’t remember how I got to the end of the driveway. I think I miracled myself there. Regardless, that little bastard took approximately 30 dignity points away from me and fused my heart to the base of my throat. Jeff Corwin, suck it.

So we waited until animal control came and it took the guy about an hour to check the entire garage and came up empty. So now the next time I visit the folks I have to be worried about a very pissy foot long snake that wants to bite me. Winter can not come soon enough.

As for Mom, she may never use the garage again. I feel bad that I botched that up but she still made me a sandwich and lemonade. It’s funny that moms have a way of fixing issues through food.

20

We Are Still On It!

You said it, dog! I have been slipping on Macabre Fitness but it looks like the final website will be finished by the next week. I just didn’t want people to think I have forgotten. Apparently if you have corporate sponsors for races and shoe retail companies advertising, they have more say in what goes on than I originally thought. But, whatever. The blog still belongs to me.

Speaking of the blog, I just posted a new one about music that should be in your MP3 player when rocking out a workout. Take a look and share your own music. I need some more tunes.

Macabre Fitness

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