Easter In Review

I have always had a tough time completely understanding the link between Jesus Christ dying on the cross for our sins and chocolate bunnies. I’m a Catholic by birth and even though I sometimes find my faith in question I never forget that Easter is the one day you had better not miss church. I can blow off every other Sunday and watch football or something equally pointless but on Easter, God is taking role call. That’s where my Easter confusion comes to a head. When did bunnies and chicks start sharing the spotlight with my sins being forgiven? Look at this orgy of dysfunction.

I’m fairly certain that if the day of Easter had the ability to, it shit on this guys front yard. Just driving by it causes people to veer of the road in utter disbelief over the hundreds of inflatable bunnies and chicks. There is so much pastels on this property it looks like BearForce One was skydiving and had a catastrophic accident all over the yard.

Do you think that most of these inflatable rabbits and eggs are filled with exhaled bong hits? I do. I think in order to pull off this Easter horror house one has to be high or incredibly disturbed. I’m not talking triple coupon day at Michaels disturbed but Ed Gein disturbed. I bet everything inside the house is inflatable too. And that is enough to make me drive faster when passing this place.

An inflatable Peep for fuck-sake! Do you order these? Where would one buy such disturbing yard ornaments? Ask too many questions, I do. And that is a dangerous thing with people who have 4 foot bunnies hanging by their necks from both sides of the front door.

Sorry Jesus. I don’t know where we strayed but thanks for taking it in stride.

In other news I found Corey Taylor’s (front man for Slipknot) mother’s mask at Macy’s. It turns out she is the lead vocal for the home band in Iowa with the other mom’s of Slipknot. They call themselves Stitchknit. I kid, I kid.

You have to look sideways because I am weeetauted.

21 thoughts on “Easter In Review

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  1. “Orgy of Dysfunction”–love it! That kinda sums it up right there. I hear ya on the Easter Roll Call…I can hear Jesus now:

    JESUS (reading from the Book of Life): Essaytch? Essaytch?
    BILLY: Uh, she wasn’t really feeling well this morning, Lord.
    JESUS: Good God in Heaven…I DIED ON THE CROSS! How’s that for not feeling well? I’ll bet she wasn’t too sick for the EASTER BUNNY!
    BILLY: Um, can I have her wafer and wine?
    JESUS: Sure, why not. You’re extra saved today.

  2. Did you take those pictures from your car or did you find them somewhere? That’s really disturbing, I don’t get the whole blow up thing. Seriously? Okay, you’re excited about Easter, or Christmas, or Halloween, but do you really need to put all that shit in your front yard?

    On another front, I thought you might find this funny. What could be better?


  3. Mmmmm super tastey! Unless you get one of the ones that taste like black licorice. Then I’d be gagging at the altar…”Someone give me something to wash this filth down with….’Body of Christ’ my behind!”
    I kid…I love you, Jesus. We cool? 🙂

  4. Oh no. From the car. I risked all to take those pictures. That house is on the Coleman road. If you know where that is?

  5. Meh pops went into this whole diatribe yesterday about why easter is always bouncing around and I was amazed that he stashed that fact in his head! It becomes TOTALLy apparent that the holiday was usurped from the pagans.
    Meh Pops says that Easter alwasy falls on the first sunday after the full moon after the Vernal Equinox. If that doesn’t scream Pagan, I don’t know what does.
    Anyway. Yea, the Pastel fuckfest on those lawns makes you wonder how menatlly healthy the tenants are. I would avoid those homes on halloween…

  6. Yeah I once kicked a guy in the balls at church then I converted to wicca. The girls from my pagan group decided we’d all just celebrate Ostara by having a drunk and crazy girl’s night on Friday. You can imagine. Then Sunday was dinner with the family, and my brothers turned Karate Kid on the TV so it was all good.

  7. Wow, I am pretty much mad at you for posting that video, it’s…so…odd.
    Nice find on that house. I have never really seen an easter decorated house before.

  8. Bonus points for the cogent Ed Gein reference.

    And that house? Did the fucking Paas egg dye people take a John Goodman sized dump on that yard? Jeez.

    Glad you’re alive and kuh-kuh-kicking.

    Call me soon. Let’s talk about people who don’t write or think like us.

    Laurie Kendrick–Exclusionist

  9. I think I might be able to clear this up for you. When Easter was first started they actually handed out chocolate Jesus Christ on the crucifixes. The problem was that kids were poking their eyes out on the pointy top of the T and they were using bitter real chocolate instead of milk chocolate which wasn’t invented yet. In a panic the FDA suggested Easter find a softer shape to make their chocolate into. Easter just went with the first soft and cuddly thing they could think of and what could be more soft and cuddly than a bunny?

    The problem once executed was that bitter chocolate isn’t soft regardless of its shape and now these bunnies had TWO pointy ends on top. Kids were losing both their eyes, left and right, left and right. In the wreck of the carnage, there were so many bloodshot toddler eye balls all over the place that people were confusing them for animal eggs and eating them.

    Eventually someone invinted milk chocolate, I think it was George Washington Carver and they started hollowing out Easter Bunnies. This made their ears softer to the eyes when poked, usually they’d just break. To this day kid’s still go on Easter egg hunts once a year, each egg they find representing a lost eye of the brave children of the Bible years.

  10. Doho, whether that is true or not, it will be my explanation for Easter from now on. Thanks for the enlightenment. 🙂

  11. Ok, I revisited this after shanfu’s comment…I realized I hadn’t watched the video. So what is worse: that I actually sat through the entire thing or that, once it was over, I watched the Bearforce1 christmas video too?

  12. That video was supposed to be funny but it has turned to distrubing now. I’m curious about how the name Bearforce 1 came about. But I think it would be gay of me to inquire further.
    Hoo Haa Ho Ha!

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