Every year I look forward to Halloween and I really don’t know why. I get geared up way too early, burn out around mid October and on the actual day all I really want to do is start the Christmas season. But this year I planned to combat the poorly timed holiday spirit by actually having something to do on Halloween day. This year we threw a party.
So the night before Halloween I finally carved this years pumpkin. Every year I do the same face. It’s more like a retro design but I like it. It reminds me of the back of Charlie Browns head when that bitch Lucy and her even bitchier friend fool him into modeling for their jack-o-lantern. Next year will be same and there is comfort in that. Martha Stewart can F’ing hang.
Here I am. I didn’t intend to be Jason this year. Actually I really wanted to be Angus Young but because I am me, I waited until Halloween afternoon to find all 20 accessories necessary to pull off the rocking outfit. So, I used a flight suit from my prior military career and dropped $6.99 on a hockey mask at exactly 4:30 that afternoon. That’s a plus for the costume but it’s tough to drink 10 beers through a hockey mask. I almost cut a hole in the mouth region but there is a thin line between beer drinking genius and a weird S&M mistaken identity.
Well the decorations were up, the costumes were on and the food was out. Now all we needed were the people to show up and complete the circuit. I will admit that last night I had a few awkward moments very reminiscent of junior high and high school. The party began at 7pm and soon it was 7:30 and we sat on the couch staring out the window while X-Entertainment’s Halloween Jukebox blared Alice Cooper. Just Jason Voorhees and a cowgirl staring pathetically staring out the window. That’s a site from the street.
Then there was a knock! It was the guests and everyone hit a home run on the costumes. Now I was four beers ahead so my friendliness was amplified because everyone received a hug from the slasher of Friday the13th. That was a high point of the night but like all hosts experience, parties have peaks and valleys. Enter the babies.
Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. I think they are cute in small doses and on TV but after a while I’m done. I’m sure that will change if I ever have one of my own but I don’t and I relish in the freedom to leave the scene and change the channel. But they were there and I felt it was necessary to put away the hockey mask and explain all night that I am not a top Gun pilot, damn it.
Ninety five percent of the guests were Tara’s work friends. She is a news anchor so everyone in the news world was at the apartment. So right when the babies and new parents arrived so did my friend Johnathan. He was a priest with a Raggedy Andy doll pinned to his crotch. I thought it was spot on. Spot on, man.
There was definitely a lull taking place about half way through the party. None of the people at the news station were really making an effort to talk with my friends and I was busy making sure no one was cutting through the bedrooms because the babies were sleeping and making sure that people tried the dip. Then one of the quests showed up with Guitar Hero for the Playstation and it was a home run. I don’t go ape shit over video games but that one was pretty cool and it was sort of a bridge that made people mingle. I even rocked Dio’s “Holy Diver” and damn near kicked the TV over with excitement.
This is the point when the festivities are now driven by the alcohol consumption. My friends felt a little neglected and jumped ship before midnight. That sucked for me because the news people talk about one thing and that is work. They also throw people who aren’t present under the bus and that is a real sore spot with me. I’m sure i do it too but i definitely don’t do it in public. That’s really the death rattle of the party when everyone is in the kitchen talking shop and me and the one girl who works in Atlanta watch Nightmare On Elm Street 3. I’m sure she didn’t like it but it was that or do that awkward, stand in the corner and fake laugh thing. It was even weird for me to go to the fridge to get my 16th beer. I felt like the car that disturbed the street hockey game. I could have sworn I heard “game on” when I walked back to the couch.
All parties, good or bad, come to an end and this one did too. I said my good byes and I was pretty proud I didn’t make an ass out of myself. I didn’t fall off the roof or throw up in my hockey mask so I was a head of the game. Right up to the point when the new parents were walking out the door with their sleeping baby. Then I tried to make a funny and it went over like a fart in church. “Thanks for coming and thanks for bringing the little guy. I must admit that I was a little disappointed we couldn’t eat him……ahem….right?” At least they faked a laugh.
You didn’t think I could let Halloween go without me making a little slip did you?
Casserole of Disaster 
wo dood, sorry about the kids and the “too cool” newsies. I hope the people YOU invited had a good time.
Next year you’re invited out to my place for our Halloween party- we didn’t have one this year and we regretted it.
I’m sure Jason would have washed over well at our place!
It looks like Jason is wearing glasses in that picture.
Now you made me want to watch Wayne’s World! Thank you!!
I would of went to your party if it was physically possible but I know I would of felt awkward. Oh well better then sitting here alone by myself with my laptop and my tv another night. It would of been worth the trip just to try a sample of your party snackin’. A bread bowl with the middle dug out filled with spinach dip, chips with store bought nacho cheese in a fondue pot and salsa, a sampler platter of all sorts of chips, sliced up meat, and cheese, perhaps a sub sandwich party tray, 2 or 3 huge orange and black bowls of candy and away you go!
On the Today show yesterday morning this woman was showing how to make (and was making) what she called a graveyard pie. She was talking about what to put on top of the pie (it wasn’t really a pie at all it was just sliced up pound cake with milk, and cool whip covering that, I am not kidding you) she suggested black and orange m&m’s to put on top. And this guy was like you can buy black m&m’s now?!?! WoWZA! I just rolled my eyes at the tv. I can’t believe there was one guy before yesterday that didn’t know they sell that shit this time of the year. Can’t believe that. You could of also had an unusual shaped clear bowl or vase or something on your kitchen table with black and orange M&M’s with gummy worms mixed in or something. Also gummy body parts go good too mixed in. I am too much of a fan of tht stuff I think. Catch you later Billy.
Ha! Billy eats babies. Glad you had fun…now onward to Christmas! Or yeah, at least to Thanksgiving.
They could have at least let you nibble on a toe or something. Trick or Treat, right? Sounds like it could have been worse. Actually, it could have and I have a wonderful tale to tell about my adventures as Willy Wonka and the silliness that ensued. Another time.